The Greatest Delight.

During our church's sermon last week, I took note of what portion of scripture we'd be covering the next week. In some ways, I love Matthew 16:24-28 and I was excited to get to it. But in my heart, I was also a little nervous to dive in.

"Then Jesus told his disciples, 'If anyone should come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul? For the Son of Man is going to come with his angels in the glory of his Father, and then he will repay each person according to what he has done. Truly I say to you, there are some standing here who will not taste death until they see the Son of Man coming in his kingdom.'"

That last verse is odd, and our pastor addressed some of what Jesus might have meant by it, but I'm not going to talk about that part today (sorry). 

What I really want to talk about is losing our lives. 

It is not a surprise to many of you that I've been struggling a bit since we moved. Nothing serious, but just learning to cope better with the daily grind after having such a chaotic, unpredictable summer that ended with a bit of disappointment. In one sense, our family was not disappointed with how our move ended up, but it would be a lie to say we weren't frustrated to not have found a home to purchase. We really do strive to love whatever life God has for us, but notice the word I used: strive. Our goal is not always achieved, not something we always feel like doing, but we honestly desire to be content with God's plans over our own. 

I have certainly been wrestling with contentment. I have searched for peace in my circumstances, sought out solutions to my problems, and even tried to change how I do things all in order to achieve a greater sense of happiness with the way my life is right now. I often feel like I am failing, or maybe that I am incapable (without medication) of being that content. Then I struggle with feeling extremely guilty over my lack of joy when almost every need I have is met. It often feels like a problem I have no right to complain about. 

During our time of worship this past Sunday morning, a few phrases from a song stuck with me and got the wheels turning in my head. Psalm 62 says things like "for God alone my soul waits in silence" and "pour out your heart upon him" and I instantly knew that this Psalm does not describe my own heart or my own actions. In the song we sing at church (which is a variation of Psalm 62) the chorus says "O praise Him, Hallelujah, my delight and my reward" and again, I was struck by how true this ought to be in my life and yet how false it has been. 

What is my heart set on? What joy am I pursuing? Is it death to self and life in Christ? Is it really to know God and make Him known? 

It has become obvious that I have been trying to pursue a lifestyle of sacrifice but I have been unwilling to let go of my personal desires. I hang on to the idea that I can sacrifice for my kids without actually giving up certain things I want. I strive to merge this self-sacrificing task of homeschooling with still having all my personal needs met, and it just isn't working. 

Jesus said that I cannot pursue self and pursue Him. 

Ouch.

I see what I'm pursuing, and it's really hard to give it up. None of it seems bad, or wrong, but I cannot love the world or the things in the world and still serve God with all of my heart. I have to follow Him with no strings attached, with no personal agenda. Only God can revive in my soul the joy and faith needed to pursue the glory of Christ above my personal gain. No self-help book (no matter how religious) can accomplish this, no amount of meditation nor medication can deny the extent of my selfishness, and no noble endeavor can compensate for putting my goals for self above my love for Jesus' kingdom. 

Our pastor said some very helpful things today about how we can move forward when we see our lives headed in a direction that opposes losing our lives for Jesus. He said number one, repent. Admit your pursuit of self is wrong. Note here, that most of the world will tell you it's fine, healthy, and needed for our sanity. Come back for that can of worms later. Second, he said, we need to trust God to change our hearts. There's no way around that. You have to love God more than self in order to be willing to endure handing your dearest hopes over to Him. You can't grow to love Him on your own but He wants you to love Him. When you ask Him for help and He stirs that love up in your heart, your selfish ambition will seem juvenile, pointless, maybe even silly. He does not disappoint.

This month I have been wresting against my own soul but have been unable to put it all into words. Now that I can see my folly clearly, I am actually relieved. My own ambitions make me miserable. God knows my heart better than I do, and I can trust that giving up my ideas of success will result in greater joy and fulfillment, even if it results in less money or prestige. The world will oppose the thought of giving up what you love in order to serve, sacrifice, or share. Certainly, you can serve Christ and still have good things, but you cannot serve Christ and set your hope on your own fulfillment and desire. 

It is good to consider what your delights and your rewards really are. What do you ultimately want? If you could gain peace today, what would that look like? In my mind recently, delight has been clouded with uncertainty and frustration as I could not name a single thing that would make me feel at peace. But now it has become clear why. My idea of delight revolves around feeling a certain way, which is silly, because feelings are fuzzy, unpredictable, and often totally out of whack. What a comfort it was to be reminded that taking delight off of myself and onto what Christ promises is the only way to life. 

The practical reminder that following Christ is a road of self-denial is actually a great comfort. You are not responsible to find great delight in your life. Any good you can comprehend is from God and found in God. He contains immeasurable amounts of peace, delight, freedom, fulfillment, and more. While here on earth we will be denying our own ambitions and serving those around us, but the delight we find in His presence is more than worth the trade-off. If you believe the gospel, you will find only frustration and regret in a life of selfish pursuits. But by setting your desires aside and trusting in God's beautiful redemptive plans, your soul will be saved. The peace and delight you will find along the way will cause your soul to thank you. 

*I want you to know, dear friend who takes depression medication, that this post is not intended to address your needs. If you need to analyze whether you are following self or Christ, by all means, do so. But this post is not in regards to the medical needs of those struggling with clinical depression. 

My Favorite Things!

After so many posts about spiritual issues and the like, I thought it was time for a lighter topic :)

As a semi-organized, artistic homeschooler, I have problems with wanting too many cute, colorful, helpful household items. Journals, cards, pens, clips, drawers, baskets - you name it, I'd love to have it. I pick up stuff from pretty much anywhere - Amazon, The Container Store, Papyrus, Target (I mean, who doesn't?), Office Max, Etsy, and Barnes & Noble. So here are some items I have recently purchased and simply adore! Some are organizational items, others are things people in our family enjoy, and of course, some are books that I have fallen in love with. Many of these are affiliate links, so you can help endorse my purchasing habit. Thanks!

First off, I use these cool Sharpie Brush-tip Markers a lot more than I thought I would. Many people use them for special hand-lettering projects, but they can be used for pretty much anything you would use a regular Sharpie for. They are great to use when you ship a package to add a beautiful little message or doodle on the outside. I actually used them a bit on our boxes when we moved too, just to add something cute to all the piles of boxes and junk we hauled around.

Next up, we've gone through a few iPad cases since the boys are using it so much for their Khan Academy many days of each week. After failing to find a case I liked in stores, I found this one on Amazon and totally love it. It's durable, comes in awesome colors, super lightweight, and it's also a great deal!

Speaking of cases, I also bought these iPhone 6 cases off Amazon. Again, great price, durable, and there are several colors for whatever mood you are in that day :) They have lots of other great color options too!

I love to write real letters. I don't do it as often as I'd like, but I bought a bunch of stationary back in the spring with the intention of writing letters each and every week. I probably write once a month, so my purchase is justified, right? Anyway, Amazon is actually a great place to find cute stationary if you don't feel like leaving your house. Here's one pack I bought and love.

When we moved, we lost a lot of space in our kitchen. What was once in the junk drawer doesn't even have a drawer anymore. Things like pens, scissors, rubber bands, and chip clips were all being stored in the laundry room and it was driving me crazy. I went to The Container Store with a plan to buy something that could sit on our counter, that looks lovely, and would store all my helpful junk. I lucked out and found this adorable Bisley drawer locker on sale, in turquoise! It's been perfect. 

I never feel like I have all the books I need. I could probably list 20 books I've added to my wish list this month (while I struggle to get through several others I've been reading for over a month). Here are a few of my recent recommendations: 

Extra Yarn - I posted about this on my Instagram account. Love it!

I've already raved a bit about Madeleine L'engle, but I borrowed her book A Circle of Quiet from the library, then immediately purchased a copy for myself. As a writer, her perspective and "me too" is such an encouragement. 

I recently went to a Noonday Collection party at a friend's house and she had this amazing book! I went home an promptly purchased it, knowing it would benefit our homeschooling tremendously. Well, I'm sure it will serve many educational purposes, but it has definitely satisfied the part of me that loves to learn and loves to look at beautiful things. And this is $15 less than you'd find in most bookstores! It's big, hardcover, lovely, and filled with rich history and information on each location inside. 

I know I've talked to several friends and family members in person about this book, The Accidental Creative. Once I finished it, my husband breezed through it in just two days. It was a big eye-opener for why we both often feel frustrated with work and life. The way creative work is done and the way we are expected to produce creative work are vastly different. Before you dismiss yourself as "uncreative", consider that a creative person is anyone who thinks for a living, and practicing good habits of how to schedule thinking time, production time, and enrichment time make a huge difference in what creative solutions or endeavors come out of you. I recommend it to pretty much anyone! Especially if you create anything or manage projects for a living, you really need to read this book.

I have so many more things I could share, but I'll just tell you about one last thing. I had used regular old plastic pencil boxes for storing all our pencils and crayons the last several years. They were fine, but I saw something on pinterest that gave me another idea. I found these tins at Target for only $1 and bought some... mostly black, but a few other colors too. I use them all around the house for storing pencils, pens, scissors, and crayons... pretty much anything longer than it is wide :) They have been a great solution! Plus, they look much cuter than my dingy pencil boxes. Add a strip of Washi tape around the top rim (another addiction to talk about another day) to make them more original. 

Well, I hope this post has been fun! Now you know what I spend my time doing on my computer... pretty much looking at stuff on Amazon. Ah well. 

I have been trying to think more about would so I can write up a beautiful, well-thought-out blog about not using excuses, but I am terrible at living that way. It has been SO hard to wrap my mind around it. So, this post is kind of a distraction from that, but I hope you've benefited from it anyway. Fingers crossed and prayers said that my brain can function well enough for more schooling next week and that I can make some progress on that last post about would. It might not be all I am hoping it will be, but I trust that God works in all things, big and small, awesome and decent. And really, God working through my blog and my writing is the goal, not some vague idea of what qualifies as "worthwhile". If I applied that concept to the rest of my life, I'd have far fewer emotional breakdowns! Haha! 

Have a fabulous week, and tell me if you love any of the great items in this post. 

Obeying With Doubt.

I cry in every Disney animated movie. Literally, every single one I've watched. Often, I even sit there for the saddest five minutes while my kids watch because I am so intrigued by whatever sad event is happening. I got excited one day saying "Oh! I don't cry during Kung Fu Panda! Shoot, never mind, that's Dreamworks." But really, I have this odd attraction to sad stuff, and the waterworks cannot be withheld.

I've learned to curb this emotional part of me when I need to. For instance, so much of the news and my Facebook feed is littered with depressing stories with no redeeming value in sight. Children kidnapped, infants neglected, moms dying of cancer, and the list goes on. I cannot look at too much of this before I find myself in a full-blown funk, unable to think about the practical duties of my day.

My most recent encounter with sad movies (not even Disney this time) happened when my kids were watching Prince of Egypt, the inspired story of Moses. Right at the beginning, the movie shows slavery, abuse, and then Moses' mother leaving him in a basket in the river. I cannot fathom a world where you have to choose between known slaughter and unknown drowning for your tiny baby boy. This was it for her. She'd exhausted the option of hiding him and now she had to make her choice.

I've seen this part of the movie quite a few times, and still the tears arrive. This time however, while my eyes still welled up a little bit, I saw something different. I saw a woman who decided to trust God by doing something crazy. I don't know what the likelihood of survival for a baby in a woven, tar-coated basket was on the Nile in 3000 B.C. or what possessed her to take action initially, but the only way a woman could do something that sensational was if she had no better options. Instead of succumbing to fear, abusive authority, or despair, she turned to a sliver of hope.

She must have had a substantial amount of bravery. She chose to put her child in a river and probably feared the worst. Exodus 2 doesn't say anything about Moses' mother except what she noted about her baby and what she did for him. But really, can you imagine doing such a thing? I can't stop thinking about this story and wondering what Moses' mother was really like. Stay with me, because here's where my mind really gets going.

Maybe she was brave, confident, even demanding about what God would do, should do for her baby. But perhaps she was actually fearful, upset, or despairing. In either scenario, God came through. God saved Moses, gave him a place of privilege, saved his life, brought Moses close to Himself, and used him as a preview for what Jesus would do for us. Moses' mother was a part of God's great plan, regardless of how she handled her situation, regardless of how much faith she had in the outcome of her choice.

This gives me peace and courage. Peace because I can trust that even when I am despairing, freaking out, and totally unsure about how God will come through, it doesn't affect God's faithfulness. I also gain courage from this example. I see how worry does not ensure any particular outcome, and that God fulfills promises to all people, not just the spiritually mature. I might as well be brave, confident, and toss my worries into the wind if the outcome does not rely on my emotional stability.

In the movie, Moses' mother asks for deliverance, for Moses to find a life of freedom somewhere else. She seems sad, but poised, perhaps trusting God to do something better for her baby. But even if she went home completely losing her mind and shocked at her own actions, she still followed through. She still took action, hoping in God's ability, not her own.

Our pastor pointed out a similar example from a sermon by D. A. Carson. In his sermon, Carson gives the example of two different men waiting for God's spirit to pass over the Hebrews who obeyed Moses in Egypt. One man prepared the lamb and spread the blood over the doorway exactly as told, but he was scared, sleepless, and hoping beyond all hope that what Moses promised would come true. The other man did all he was told with unshakeable peace, fully confident in God's willingness and faithfulness to save his family. Which one saw God's promise fulfilled? Both.

Amazing, right? Whether you follow through with God's commands scared stiff or full of peace, He fulfills His promise. Don't fret over whether you are trusting God as fully as you should, or as filled with peace as the next person. I do think God often rewards our trust in Him, but we cannot take credit for His promises based on our actions or our faith. As Jesus tells Peter in Matthew, the Spirit reveals God to us, and our faith is a gift from Him.

If there's one thing I've learned this summer that has really stuck with me, it's that obedience is important. God wants you to obey in faith, but mostly, He wants you to obey. Obeying scared or doubtful is better than not obeying! Your fear is never going to be a good enough reason to not obey the voice of God, no matter how big or small your decision is. He is a fortress, a place you can run to for protection, and wandering out in disobedience is asking for an ambush.

I cannot count the times God has spared me from my own destruction simply because I chose to do the right thing. It's not always easy, and I often do it begrudgingly, but I have never regretted it. I've regretted my own poor choices 1000 times over, but never following God's commands over my own desires. So whether you are debating following His instruction, or just dealing with fear from following with very little faith, simply take action. Scared or confident, God desires your obedience, and your faith will grow from either timid or bold steps. Both are forward motion, both are covered by His loving kindness toward you, and both still count as trust.

Ultimately, obeying God is trusting God, and there's no reward or punishment given for obeying scared versus obeying in boldness. My hope is to obey with complete confidence and tons of courage, but if all I can muster is timid obedience, I will still take it. I truly believe the more I obey when I am still unsure of the outcome, the less unsure I will be the next time I am called to obey. It's a growing process, and we might as well start now instead of waiting on our feelings to cooperate. We can't possibly know what role our obedience in little things plays in the larger events happening in the world, and I would always rather have said yes to obeying, whether I was doubtful or confident, than waiting for the right amount of courage to participate in God's plans.

Let That Be Enough.

It's been a weird few weeks in my head. Moving has taken a greater toll on my disposition than I expected; that and getting thrown into the boys' sports routines, starting up schooling again, and still trying to unpack while staying on top of laundry... the list never ends, and mouths are always hungry, or so it seems.

I've been trying to nail down exactly why I am so out of sorts. I know new adventures can throw a kink in life, and leaving places I love has been difficult too, but over the last several weeks I've felt this internal grasping for something I can't quite put into words. The biggest problem is always that I don't quite trust God with my life the way I know is right and good. I'm only human, but I'm learning and growing in this, and I am sure I always will be. But there seemed to be other things I couldn't wrap my mind around.

While I have not suffered much personal loss in my life so far, I have quite a few friends who are enduring tremendous loss right now or are coming upon it quickly. Miscarriages, loss of children, and cancer seem to be wreaking havoc in too many people's lives. My mind is constantly whirling back to these friends - some are my best friends, and some are more like acquaintances, but all are on my mind every hour. I find myself entertaining all kinds of questions and scenarios on their behalf for quite some time before I remember to pray.

My prayer life is undisciplined to say the least, and while I talk to God frequently, I rarely set aside time specifically for this. When I do talk to Him, my requests are sort of scattered, not entirely specific, or even very inquisitive. As I been more intentional and detailed with what I ask and hope for, I am finding more fulfillment in my soul, along with greater confidence in God's plans.

However, praying for others and feeling a small portion of their pain is only part of what has been troubling me.

On my way back from CrossFit this morning, I heard a song that not only expressed my emotions perfectly, but also offered a way to pray about it.

I wish I had what I needed

To be on my own

'Cause I feel so defeated

And I'm feeling alone

And it all seems so helpless

And I have no plans

I'm a plane in the sunset

With nowhere to land

And all I see 

It could never make me happy

And all my sand castles

Spend their time collapsing

Let me know that you hear me

Let me feel your touch

Let me know that you love me

And let that be enough

These are the lyrics to the song Let That Be Enough by Switchfoot from their 2nd album. I listened to this quite a bit about 12 years ago, and I've always loved this song, but today is truck me differently. 

I realized that I feel torn almost all the time. I want something, but I know it won't fulfill me. I want to be on my own and independent much of the time, but then I often feel sad and lonely. I want to do big things, but I don't have any solid plans. I want to go somewhere else, but I don't know where that is. And it's true, nothing I can think up will make me happy. There's no "problem" there to find and fix. Life is hard, bad things happen, and my emotions leave me questioning the best of situations. 

But God, He is the one I can rely on, and it all seems so easy, and so obvious now. I am longing for the things in this song. I want to know He hears me, that He's close to me, that He loves me. And what I really needs is for all these things to be enough to soothe this raw and tender soul of mine.

I know it's hard to ask for a change of heart, for a spirit of contentment, or for peace in relentlessly stressful situation. It's far easier to ask for a change in circumstance, for the things we think we need to be content, or for more control in bad situations. But the more I do this, the more I search for fixes outside of my heart, the more despair builds inside. The more I commit to changing the outside in an effort to fix my insides, the longer my insides are neglected and the more they shrivel. 

My heart needs God, and my soul needs to find peace and contentment in Him. I need His love to be enough. I need to see that all the solutions to my problems are pointless without Him. And on days when everything feels overwhelming and yet not enough, I can ask Him to make Himself enough for my weary heart. These are the things I am longing for all my hurting friends to know as well. It is my hope and prayer that God's love will be enough for them during their darkest hours.

God, make yourself enough in our hearts. Let all You have for us be the perfect medicine for our broken souls. 

Dying from Could.

If should is the master of obligation, could is the master of potential. I don't mean potential in a good way, like when a coach or a teacher looks you in the eye and promises great things if you just stay persistent and keep trying. The potential in could is a harassment about poor choices, guilt over where you are, and a cruel voice insisting you will never get farther in life than where you are now.

Ever heard could being condescending? I have. I do almost every day, but I'm trying desperately to fight back instead of just plugging my ears or tuning out.

So what is the deal with could? The tricky part I'm seeing is that could reaches into our past, present, and future with the biggest insecurities we attempt to conceal and makes us question not just our choices, but the deepest parts of who we are. Could makes us question our existence and purpose in a way should and would don't quite manage. What makes it worse is the vagueness in which could often operates.

I could have done something really amazing with my life.

I could be doing so many more important things right now.

I could become someone great, if only I could change.

These types of vague phrases can follow, haunt, and paralyze you unless you take them captive and shove them into the truth. I'm actually a terrible example of this, but it's something I'm working hard to conquer. When Paul talks about "taking every thought captive" in 2 Corinthians, he is not talking about simply thinking positive thoughts to make your life better, or to be a happier version of yourself. He is talking about the battle we are in, the war in the spiritual realm we find ourselves fighting by simply being aligned with Christ. He's talking about taking our thoughts and surrendering them to Christ, to be willing to listen to the truth instead of lies.

You see, this battle with could is not just a battle to control your thoughts. The struggle to get could to pipe down is actually the struggle against the sinful state of your flesh and of this world. When you claim allegiance to Christ and give up being a slave to sin, you keep the evil in this world from influencing your decisions and actions. Your flesh will keep you stuck, cause you to feel hopeless, and paralyze you by the shame of your past choices. But when you shut the doors on could, you shut the doors on Satan's voice in your head and the stronghold of sin in your thoughts.

The first thing to know about could is that it is not real. Literally, could doesn't exist. What you could have been is a myth - never happened, never will happen. What you could be doing right now is only true if you actually do it. Who you could be, or what you could accomplish, only exists if you take steps toward it and see it come to life. You have to get brave and be ready to totally throw could out the window.

Right now, the only place I'm going to address how to conquer could is in the present tense, to change could to can. Since you can't change the past, and you can't control the future, you have to completely wipe out and forget about could in the past and the future, and change could when you encounter it in the present. Still with me? Good :)

Like I said before, I am pretty terrible at this. If I don't have a plan for my day, I get overwhelmed really fast, especially if my kids are asking and begging to do something specific that wasn't already on my radar. I see all the ways my day could go and start trying to figure out how to fit all the necessary things in. I'm not sure why, but some days the list seems so long and the kids seem so uncooperative, that instead of jumping in and making progress, I move like a slug and start to feel depressed. We can all guess what that results in. Lots of nothing, at least nothing good.

What I find works best, and what I usually forget to do, is to just get started. I have to stop thinking of what I could do, what could happen, or how the day could go, and simply choose something. On days where I have a huge amount of computer work or writing to accomplish, it doesn't do me any good to be thinking about what I could do to make it happen, or how I could arrange my desk to make things more accessible. It's no help at all to think about what I could accomplish if I paid a regular babysitter, or what I could post on Instagram to help with my social platform. I just have to start. I have to get going.

There are times for thinking about the best way to do things or to plan how to deal with your responsibilities, but at some point we all have to make a decision. Google indecision and you will find hundreds of quotes about how indecision really is a decision, and I see it wreak havoc in my life every week. When I don't make a decision about dinner, I end up spending more money, eating junk, or wasting food. When I don't make a decision about a volunteer opportunity, I miss out completely, and I often make myself look bad by not responding either way. You see how this works?

Time comes to pass no matter what we do, and our days fill up no matter what decisions we make. Even worse, when our days fill up with activities resulting from indecision, we then have to struggle with the regret of not having done what we actually wanted to do. If we aren't careful and intentional, we end up with days or weeks heaping with regret, a bundle full of coulds, and a to-do list that will put you into the fetal position, guaranteed.

So how can we stop saying could? As you look at your options for what you could do today, or what you could be doing right now, or even what you could plan to do next week, try to minimize the importance of your choices. I am overly fearful about the impact one decision will have on my day, or even my life, but we have to recognize God's control over all these things. In our culture, and especially in mom-circles, we emphasize how our little actions and small decisions can make a large impact, but we don't always notice how this can paralyze us when making a bunch of these seemingly small decisions throughout our day.

You have to remember, God controls the outcome of your decisions, not you.

Sometimes you make a decision to go to the store with all the kids in the morning, then you are so exhausted later and struggle to accomplish anything. It feels like you made the wrong choice. Or what if you put off grocery shopping, then your husband doesn't get home until after dinner, forcing you to take the kids out shopping later in the evening? That's not good either. You look at what could happen and are fearful of a lousy outcome. But the truth is, lousy outcomes can happen regardless of how good your decision is. Don't let this haunt you, instead use it to remember who is actually in control. What we see as a lousy outcome, or a day filled with struggle, is often a sharpening type of day, where we can see God working in us if only we can step back and calm our minds for just a little bit.

You can't mess up God's plans. If he wants you to be tired in the afternoon, there is probably something you can gain from it. If he wants you to be on-task at home during the morning and then you have to succumb to a 2nd-rate dinner, there must be some goodness to be found there. He already knows, He already has a plan figured out, and His love isn't confined to good decisions only.

Remember, there is no could. I mean, there kind of is, but you really can just throw it out the window. You will find greater peace in your struggle with could and all of your decisions when you hold them a little more lightly. Look at your options objectively, choose one, then trust God with the outcome. It feels too simple, a little trite even, but sometimes we need to shut down our brain and just get to living. Don't follow outcomes to their end, or assume one choice will always determine a specific outcome, but make your decisions knowing God will have His outcome, no matter how badly you mess it up. His plans are often different from ours, but they are always best.

If you want to read more about making decisions, I highly recommend the book Just Do Something by Kevin DeYoung. It's a fabulous, Christ-centered, empowering book. And just so you know, this is an affiliate link, just like all the books I post about :)

Thanks for taking the time to hear a few of my thoughts on could. I'll be back in a week or two with some ideas on would, and hopefully, you will be empowered to take some control over your mind, live more fully in God's plans, and be more at peace with your decisions.

I Wish I Could...

I really wanted my could post to be ready for you today. I have several drafts started plus another separate outline on my iPhone in the hopes of effectively communicating what a battle it is to fight the could-monster.

But I just cannot get it right. Not today at least, and apparently, not last week either.

I'm okay with that, at least, I'm trying to be. I've been trying desperately to be alright with a lot of aspects of my life lately. Alright with diving into a new CC community, alright with homeschooling, alright with all the concessions I make to be able to CrossFit several early (very early!) mornings a week, alright with the demands of my husband's job... just trying, and trying, and praying, and attempting to convince myself of all the good that can come from all these different scenarios. But I'm not always very good at it.

Recently, it came to my attention that many of you, especially those I don't see very often, think I am "doing it all". I laughed so hard when I first heard a few of these comments, several coming from different people, from different groups of friends. I don't want to go around explaining my behavior, or forcing you to know me, but I also want to share a little more about myself. I want to be transparent and help you know where I am coming from. My hope in all this is that you don't think I have it all together, or have life completely figured out, but that my strengths and weaknesses would be an encouragement to you.

It took me a long time to not be offended every time a friend on Social Media would post common-knowledge tips about parenting. I kept thinking "Duh, I know this. Does she think I don't know this?" I'm pretty sure she wasn't posting just for me, but I still kept wondering if maybe she thought I was one of those people who needed to know about how to buckle my child or what to feed my babies. My mind insisted on obsessing about if I was really doing my best and if other people thought so too.

Mind you, I've come a long way in my perfectionism, but personality tests constantly reveal that I am several things many of you might not be, and much of my writing comes from this passionate place within my bones to be the best, to always be doing my very best, and to constantly achieve whatever goal I can. I know I have to tame these a bit, because following God is no competition, and only He really knows best, but the fire within me keeps on burning. And truly, it does not match up with my physical limits, my mental weaknesses, or my bad habits.

In college I was in a Freshman group where we read and worked through Now, Discover Your Strengths by Marcus Buckingham and Donald O. Clifton (affiliate link). It was incredibly eye-opening and emphasized working to use your strengths to reach your goals instead of always trying to rid of your weaknesses. I don't know what happened to my old copy of the book, but I do remember my strengths, and maybe they will help you read my blog and understand where I come from a little bit better.

- Activator - likes to get started, immediately jumps when new opportunities or plans arise.
- Achiever - I'm pretty sure you know what this means ;)
- Competitor - uh huh, I'm one of those.
- Learner - this makes me great with homeschooling, I love learning almost anything!
- WOO - Win Others Over. Frequently known as People Pleaser.

That is a pretty intense combination, yes? Add to these things my near-constant fatigue and poor cleaning habits (ask my husband) and you have a recipe for someone who is doing a lot of hyped-up, inspirational, self-talk. Then, add that I love to write and enjoy telling others what I am learning, and you get a person who cannot shut up about what great things lie ahead for those who have vision and motivation. No, you've never read those types of things on this blog ;)

I often look at these strengths and want to cry. I hate being misunderstood, and I want all of you to know that I don't preach living with ambition because you are all unambitious or because I have got this life figured out, but because it's the natural output of my heart. It's God-wired, and spurred on by my other strengths. I sometimes despair because all of these strengths exhaust my mind and body. I need more sleep than most, but I also have more ambition than most, and how I can I fit both of these together? I want to share all the wonderful things I learn, but I also want all of you to love me like your best friend and hate to sound like a know-it-all. I want to give up on striving so hard to always do what is absolutely best, but doing so often feels like settling, losing, or letting others win at life while I curl up in a ball and sleep.

If I have learned anything though, it's that all of these strengths combined force me to turn over my future, even the one hour away future, to God. I constantly have no clue how I will cross off the items on my to-do list, so I have to move forward, trusting God with the outcome, trying to convince myself that He will give me energy and discernment for the things that have to be done, even if many items on my list are left undone at 10:30pm. I have to strive to find my value as His created person, not in what others think of me. I have to let many ambitions and goals lay silent while I strive to serve my family with a willing heart, instead of taking up my creative endeavors and looking for fulfillment in my accomplishments. I have to come to peace with the fact that my busy mind needs down-time, and not to feel guilty for resting instead of achieving.

Often, being wired this way feels like a burden, and it feels worse when I consider how some of you might see me as having it all together. I do strive to put my best foot forward, to put my best images up on the internet, not because I desire to hide the ugly, but because I love things that are excellent. And being the achiever I am, if I can do something better, I'm going to work to make it happen.

It's a stretch for me to even put this up on the internet. I really wanted to have my could post done, but this post is going to have to be good enough. I will admit though, it still includes a bit of that striving for achievement. After all, it will allow me to cross off my mental "blog once per week" goal.  I can't help myself. I want to make great stuff happen! This post might not be incredible, or life-altering, but it's really how I feel about myself and my life. My strengths make me really great for some tasks, and not so great at others. My weaknesses will try to hold me back, and my strengths will continue to push me forward.

Much of life is learning how to balance, which is what I am going for here with this post. I'm settling for "not what I wanted" but still working toward my goals. Can you relate? Are the things holding you back causing you to despair or give up? Or will you press forward, taking any ground you can gain in having peace with your circumstances? This is what I really want, to feel at peace about my decisions, my progress, my life.

All these things rest in God's plans for us, and I think He really does want us to be mindful about our impact and our growth while we move ahead. I see a lot of growth in my life, and while most things are not how I envisioned, or what I would have aimed for, I still desire to see His plan in all of it, to be content with who He is making me to be. It will be very different from who He is making you to be, but we can all still find the good in each other and celebrate it without guilt, comparison, assumptions, or shame. And that is a really good goal, to be fully yourself, the best you can be, but not rest your hope on what that will look like or base it off what other people's lives look like. So here I am, not really blogging about could the way I wanted to, but hoping that you, like me, can take your eyes of what could be and are able to enjoy what is. In your life and in yourself.

Winner!

Congratulations to Megan on winning a copy of Give Your Child the World! Thanks so much for reading my blog and commenting on my book review. I hope this book brings your family many adventures, including learning about lovely Canada :)

For all you other readers, I will be giving away many books this year... some pertaining to homeschooling, most not. I just love a good book, and any excuse to write more about books and buy more books is good for me! I'm willing to go great lengths to find time to read and review for anyone who is willing to hear me out (as you can tell from my photo of my unkept toes). If you really want to know about any of the particular books I've been reading, comment here and let me know what book you hope to win.

Thanks again for the support and participation. Until next time...