On Writing Honestly.

To write, or not to write. That is the question.

This is always the question for me it seems. Struck with an idea, thinking about something powerful, listening to a song that gives me goosebumps... do I try to explain it? Do I attempt to transform my intense emotions into words? I feel a desperate pull to make you understand.

But for what? Why do you need to understand? The first reason that comes to my head is because it has changed me. Whatever thought, emotion, or inspirational idea I just had gave me hope, helped me endure, caused me to move into action, pointed me to God's truth, or blessed me with peace.

This is important to me lately because I am seeing how what I believe about myself does not line up with what others believe about me or what God says about me. I live with the lie that who I am, what I have to offer, might not matter. I fear no one wants it.

It's hard to even write that. Part of me feels almost arrogant to say it. Silly, yes? What is arrogant in admitting you believe something dreadful about yourself? Maybe I still question if it is true or not. Maybe admitting it frightens me because I am finally willing to admit I cannot keep living that way. Maybe it's scary to start believing the truth more than just occasionally.

This all comes out now from a number of experiences. One being my friend Astrid's 30 day writing challenge. Her willingness to write every day, whatever she feels like writing, without editing, encouraged me to attempt the same, at least today. Another reason I sat to write this is from the lessons Lysa Terkeurst taught this past weekend on rejection and how to get your very best idea out of your soul. She says that we often believe a story about ourselves that isn't true and that our best idea is often born out of our struggles.

The last reason I am putting this out there is actually about 50 reasons, 50 people to be exact. Well, not exact, as I have lost count of the women to spoke into my life this weekend. But all of them seemed to see something in me I cannot. The way they listened with enthusiasm, the way they asked me questions about my life, the way they all said they were excited to see what God will make out of this very unsure month or two of my life recently... it's got me questioning how and why I question myself.

So, I sat down to write. Ever so briefly, but honestly. To try and really put my mind into these little keys and see what happened. To practice stating my honest thoughts and perhaps come up with reasons, inspiration, and encouragement to keep trying it over and over again. I won't lie, I hope it moves you the way it's changing me. And I do hope something beautiful comes from all of it.

What a Weekend!

SheSpeaks.

I miss all my new friends so much already. It’s unbelievable what a bond I feel with those women. 

Usually after very social events I get a little weird. I actually thought a lot about it before I came here, expecting that I would need to figure out how to cope. I also pre-decided (a Lysa T. term) that I would write about exactly what I felt and try to put it into words as it was happening. But you know what? God’s peace is so heavy upon me. I could cry just sitting right here in the Charlotte Airport. 

Maybe I’ll feel weird tomorrow, but today I feel more alive that I have in quite some time. No uncertainty about what the other women thought of me. No fear that I said the wrong things or did something offensive. No worry over how I am going to implement all the truth I soaked up this weekend. This is how I should live all the time. 

This morning I was wide awake at 4:30am. It’s not the time difference, since it was actually only 1:30am in Portland, but I was really anxious again. My stomach hurt and I tried desperately to sleep it off. To no avail, I twisted and turned while my stomach twisted and churned until about 5:30am when I finally decided to get on with my day. After hearing my new friend Lee Anne give her devotional yesterday, I decided to take her advice about how to fight worry. 

1- Praise God.

I won’t tell you all of her steps yet, as it is her story, her insight. But this first step was perfect. Actively telling God how grateful I was, how He is good no matter what I am worried about, that He knows where I will be in 30 days, that He is in total control, and that He loves me. 

Then, I downloaded the First 5 app from Proverbs 31 ministries and watched the video for today. 

Holy freaking moly. 

I met those ladies the last two days! Whitney and Leah… I got to listen to their wisdom in person! When I got a chance each day, I tracked them down and told them thank you. They were so sweet, so gracious, and almost shocked to see that God’s working through them was working in me. I feel like they are my friends already and I was so glad to glean even more of their biblical wisdom and insight again this morning. 

I may still feel weird later today, but I’m not worried about if that happens. I’m SO looking forward to seeing my sister soon & exploring Boston for the first time. I am so undeserving of these good gifts, of this incredible peace. God has blown me away once again, more that ever and I am going to revel in it for as long as I can.

SheSpeaks.

It's almost here!

On Thursday I'm flying solo across the country to attend a Speaking & Writing conference! Ummm, that's a little crazy, considering how much of an amateur I am, or at least feel like I am. I haven't really been nervous yet, but over the weekend my mom was asking me more questions about it and the gravity of this expedition is sinking in. Lately I've actually been more nervous thinking about all the clothes I need to pack and figuring out if all my outfits (highly planned and coordinated) will actually fit in a carry-on. But overall, I feel really calm compared to my usual self.

I can't tell if I am just incredibly relaxed and happily content, or if I am totally deceiving myself and will be a basket-case in a couple days. I am definitely excited, a tiny bit nervous, and trying to figure out what books and notebooks I should bring. I'm also preparing a five-minute devotional I will give with a small group of women I've already met via email. God totally provided an interesting topic through so many different avenues there was no possible way for me to ignore it. Don't worry, I'll write it all up to post on the blog soon, possibly mid-flight.

I've been blessed by how many of my friends and family have expressed their excitement for me. Some of them seem more excited than I am! I've spent a lot of my time bouncing between two drastically different hypothetical situations. I keep feeling scared that the women there might be shallow, speaking only in cliches and vague ideas about being a "good Christian" or fearing that all of them will be light-years beyond me in knowledge, experience and ability, causing me to feel like this was a giant waste of time and money. I'm sure it will be somewhere between those two different imaginary happenings and I look forward to all the thinking, observing, and then attempting to put everything in my head into real, comprehendible language.

I have no idea what I will come away with, but I am especially excited for the session about presenting yourself as a professional speaker, and for the special lunch session for Compel members with Lysa Terkeurst. There are also some other homeschool moms I am hoping to meet up with the first morning - I'm praying at least a couple of them will be women I can connect with more long-term.

Overall, I'm most nervous about who I will sit with and the possibility of people not talking to me. I definitely feel more extroverted when I am without my children, so I am guessing neither of those things will be a major problem. Even if I sit alone a good portion of the time, I'm sure I will still be gleaning so much from all the speakers that I won't have time to dwell on it. And really, maybe it's silly to be nervous about such a minor thing, but it's a deep insecurity I have, and something I am trying to overcome by trusting in God's goodness and love for me.

How can you pray for me? Oh, thanks for asking ;) Pray for my husband home alone with the kids! Then, pray I feel God's presence there. I truly want to know Him more and get better at sharing His love and power to those around me. If that means pursuing writing and speaking more purposefully, then I want to go for it! But if I need to keep working diligently at becoming a better writer here on my blog and only pursuing the speaking stuff here-and-there as opportunities arrive, then I want to be content with that too. Either way, I want to get better at being purposeful with my time and intentional with my words, whether they are spoken or written, here on my blog, or in my text conversations, or in person with loved ones day-to-day.

Thanks for all your encouragement and excitement for this week of my life! I will write again soon and fill you in on all our house stuff too. Praying you see God's love and care in your life today.

Pondering Home.

Good news, we sold our house!

This has been both a celebration and a source of stress. As I’m doing my best to trust God’s plans and stay a little distracted, I’ve found myself dissecting my thoughts. I keep wondering why this feels so hard. Is it just because it’s change? Or because we are unsure what city we’ll actually be moving to? I think there’s an eternal current under all of this, which can be a powerful reminder of hope and stability if I can keep it in mind. 

As I stood in my kitchen one morning, looking at my lovely countertops, I felt sad that I would no longer be standing right there, fixing coffee or cereal or smoothies in the mornings. Someone else will be there, with their decor, their stuff, their routines. I’m not typically very sentimental about physical objects or places, so I just kept on thinking, trying to figure out where these intense feelings of loss were coming from.

While looking at 20+ houses over the last few weeks, while in homes that we liked (or even loved) I envisioned myself there, saw what my kids would be doing, or planned out what kinds of parties and events we would be having there. It was easy, and I didn’t think twice about not being in our current home. The sadness was dissipated, replaced by my excitement, adding a little anxiety about my to-do list, and awakening a hope for new memories and adventures.

You see, when there is some sort of “next”, we can at least guess about what will happen, and when we can rely on at least parts of it being good, we can leave despair behind and move forward with less fear. Without a “next”, we can only look on what was, leaving too much room for a giant hole of nothingness, impossible to fill with any real situation. Some of us are better at daydreaming that others, but sooner or later that daydream is shattered and we will be left looking for a place to rest where there is only a question mark.

In case you haven't tried it, resting in a question mark is impossible. Apart from trusting in God, you either cannot do it or you fool yourself and are actually trusting in something else. It’s like standing. You either stand somewhere or you don’t. If you are not standing, you are sitting, lying down, or moving in some sort of direction. So when your house sells, and you have not one single idea where you will be in 45 days, it’s like standing, but with no floor. The same feeling of falling will sometimes flutter in my chest as I think about how unknown all of this is, but that’s where God’s promises have kept me from despair, from questioning more than I should, or worrying when I should be sleeping.

I may not know what happens next, but I know what happens last. Someday, I will never have to worry about where I will live. Actually, I don’t even have to worry now, but it’s hard to stop thinking about everything that is going on in my life today. When I really consider the promise of having my eternity taken care of, my sin not holding me back, and my circumstances never being insurmountable or frightening, my breathing becomes slow, deep, and full of peace. My cares about the size of the kitchen, the state of the bathroom sink, or how much painting I will be doing seem more like exciting gifts and less like reasons to be crabby.

Ultimately, it doesn’t really matter where I will be in 45 days or 45 years. Many people look only to what they will gain during their life on earth, but ignoring impending death does not ensure life. It scares me to see how many friends of mine think life just ends, or if they don’t really believe that, they don’t think or talk about what will happen the day they die.

Just like I’m not disappearing from my house into nothing, your soul does not just disappear into nothing. I am going somewhere else. Your soul is going somewhere else. Do you know where? Do you care? Do you want to be sure?

It’s difficult for me not to obsess and cry and despair over these thoughts, about the loss of life that will occur at the end of your flesh, at the end of so many people’s time on earth. It is the promise of my soul going somewhere more delightful than my favorite daydream, more perfect than my best day, that enables me to function in all the unknown. I can sell my house and know that even in the worst-case-scenario, I’ll still be fine. Not because of my resilience, or my circumstance, or any kind of special blessing, but because Jesus has taken care of everything for me. He did it before I knew I would need it, before I was willing to admit I needed it. And He gives me glimpses every day of the fulfilling joy I will obtain when every earthly fear is shattered forever.

So there you have it, part of my brain on paper, I mean, computer ;) And now you know my struggle these days. Looking, hoping, being tempted to despair and being reminded again of God’s promise for me: a place with Him in eternity. If that is not glorious to us, the problem lies in our hearts, not in the value of Him. And if you don’t know what will happen when you die, I beg you to start thinking. Please don’t despair, but don’t be fooled into thinking a good life on earth is all there is to hope for. I may seem busy and in the midst of moving, but I am not too busy to talk about eternity… I could do that forever. So think away, ask away, and start searching for eternal peace instead of temporary happiness.

Stroganoff!!!

I know this is a "homeschooling blog", but homeschooling moms need to make dinner, and I am convinced this recipe will add some loveliness to your evening.

I am not even joking, this recipe is a MUST-HAVE in your regular routine. My husband actually found this recipe last summer when I was speaking at Practicum. When I got home and tasted his concoction I was floored. I don't think I've cooked many dishes this good, and if I ever open a restaurant (which is less likely than me becoming a model), this would make the cut. Take a look, then come back and read my alterations, because there are many.

First off, I just use ground beef. I cook one pound, then set it aside in a bowl.

I don't use shallots. Not for any particular reason, I just never seem to remember to buy any. I usually chop up half of a white onion.

Half the time, I forget to buy mushrooms! The recipe works fine without them, you just cook the onion (or shallots if you remember) and then hop straight to adding the broth. This time, I had a small package of white mushrooms hanging out in the fridge, so I just chopped them up and it still turned out stupendous.

Sometimes I don't have a can of beef broth, so I just make two cups of broth using the cubed bullion and water from my insta-hot and try to pour in about 14oz.

I never have cognac in my cupboard, in fact, I have never had cognac in my cupboard. I have no idea what it tastes like, though I have probably had it in one of those delicious fancy drinks I love to get on date nights. I just use red wine, because I almost always have a bottle in the wings or currently opened (then I usually poor myself a glass to drink off until dinner time). I like 13 Hands' Cabernet Sauvignon - so divine!

I have never even tasted creme fraîche, but my French-grown husband says it is amazing. I've used either half n half (though less of it), heavy whipping cream, or last night I used sour cream with a couple teaspoons of sugar on top.

Now that I have confessed how I don't actually follow over half the recipe, I will also confess that I have never eaten or served this recipe over noodles. Mark made it with mashed potatoes the first time and it was so amazing that I have just stuck with it. I don't regret it one bit!

I also do not follow a recipe for said mashed potatoes. I just peel four to six potatoes, slice them into sixths, boil starting with cold, salted water, and let them stay at boiling for about 15-17 minutes. Once strained, I add potatoes, about five Tbsp of butter, maybe 1/3 milk or half n half, a bunch of salt, pepper, onion powder and garlic powder into a bowl, then voila! Beat, serve, die from deliciousness.

Usually, I make roasted brussel sprouts with bacon for this meal, but it is super difficult to get the timing down for all the components. Broccoli was easier and everyone still enjoyed it. Every time I make this, I eat until I cannot eat another single bite. It's a little bit of work (especially if you do mashed potatoes instead of noodles) but it is worth the effort.

Let me know if you try it! I know I never regret making a mess of my kitchen with this meal. Bonus: the kids love it too!

Summer Hiatus, Sort Of.

Hello there! Been a while, right?

We've had a few interesting weeks around here. I will update you on all the news and let you know how the summer will look for my blog.

I have had a rough couple of weeks in my own mind. I hate to even say "I struggle with depression" because what happens in my mind is not what I imagined depression to be like, but I'm starting to see that I do struggle with some sort of depression. It isn't completely debilitating, but I get sad, and a little too into my own head, making it hard to function sometimes. I over-think, I feel tired and exhausted, frustrated at things in my life and things not pertaining to my life, then I get mad about my thoughts feeling so heavy and crippling. It's a weird cycle, and it's really hard to break.

I'm not on any medication, and I don't know if I will ever be. Whenever I feel myself spiraling I start thinking about the question of finding help medically. Is it bad? Not necessarily. Do I need it? Again, not necessarily. Would it be helpful? Maybe. So when do I decide to take action? How bad do I need to feel in order to seek out help? Is there honor in struggling through when there is no real danger? How much does my family need to see me struggle and fight to find joy in the life God has given me? Or would they benefit from just having me be more "happy" on a regular basis? Then I keep asking myself these questions over and over again.

I've always been a bit melancholic, so all the questioning and deep thinking has been the norm for me since I can remember. I hope by writing about this struggle, you can see an example of what depression might look like, that you might give me grace when my writing gets a little "heady" or pessimistic, and that you would pray for me when you my words are few and sparse.

Another reason I have been a little absent the last few weeks is that we have decided to sell our house!

Last summer, we put the house on the market for 30 days thinking if it sold we would move, but if not, we'd stick around for another year. It didn't sell, so we stuck around. Early this April my husband and I said we'd still stick around for another year, and possibly buy-out my in-laws if they were ready to get out of the city. After a month of praying and talking together, we decided we weren't ready to take on such a big financial burden to stay in a place we don't love, and Mark's parents are pretty well done with city life too. So here we go, listing the house and waiting for it to sell.

We had open houses this past weekend, and I'm really hopeful this hot market will give us a quick, painless sale. The last three weeks I've been packing and cleaning like a mad-woman. It's so good we finished our schoolwork early, and that I am not speaking at practicum this summer. I will still be attending practicum for CC next week, as I'll be a tutor in Milwaukie again next year, so June is kind of a crazy month.

I am doing something super awesome in July though, and I am SO excited! I am going to a Speaking/Writing conference called SheSpeaks where I will be getting my heart, soul, and mind filled with all sorts of wisdom, advice and practical help with fulfilling my dream of writing and speaking. It's in North Carolina, and since my husband is amazing (and since it was only $100 difference) I'm flying over to Boston for a few days afterwards to visit my big sister! I've never seen the Atlantic Ocean before, or really any of the states or historic sites on the East Coast, so to say I'm really looking forward to it is a giant understatement.

I hope to write and tell you all about SheSpeaks and my trip to Boston both during my time there and shortly after, but no promises on that timeline ;) I might be packing and viewing houses like a crazy person. But I do hope to spend a good chunk of time this summer plotting and planning some more for this blog. I'd love your input too! Do you want me to talk more directly about homeschooling? Or do you prefer more general topics about life, parenting and learning overall? Any certain subjects you want to see my brain tackle? I have a bunch of my own ideas, but I really want to be able to share and write about topics that interest you!

So there you have it. That's my life right now. If you want to see pictures and other updates, follow me on instagram @jojococamo

Hope you are having a fabulous summer!

Turning Failure into Faith.

Growing up I was naturally athletic, fairly artistic, and overly ambitious. These traits have been part of me as long as I can remember. In school this meant I was often the "teacher's pet" and I did fairly well in most subjects and activities. In my late teens however, I started to see a problem crop up more and more: I was nearly incapable at handling the frustrations of being bad at something.

I took a beginner's piano course in college. I had played the trumpet in Elementary school and for a while in Jr. High, then I had done choir for six years afterwards, so I figured adding piano to my list of accomplishments would be a fairly easy task. Nope. It definitely wasn't.

I wasn't terrible, but I knew I'd never be considered gifted or excellent. I started slacking when it came to practicing and skipping a few classes here and there. By the end of the semester I was horribly behind on my hours and the fear of failing this class threatened me daily. The last two weeks I spent an absurd number of frustrating hours in the piano lab, attempting to log enough practice hours to earn a C. It worked, just barely. Never again, I thought, No more piano.

I didn't think about it much at the time, but I definitely avoided activities with potential for failure after my piano experience. I called it "Sticking with what I'm good at". A year or so later, my husband called it "avoiding what you're bad at".

Playing tennis brought out these same frustrations. I was naturally athletic, and probably pretty good for a beginner, but I knew I could never commit myself to becoming excellent at Tennis. It killed me! I hated it. I hated losing, I hated practicing knowing I was still going to stink, and I hated the irrational feelings that followed my attempts at playing.

Somehow, I had equated being excellent at an activity with being a worthwhile person, with being liked by others, or valued by leaders. In all my learning years, I was generally valued for my talents, accomplishments, or good behavior. Coaches were thrilled to have an ambitious, talented athlete on their team. Teachers loved my eagerness to learn and do what is right. Leaders at church appreciated my attentiveness and desire to know God better. But very few of them showed their appreciation for me in just being myself, uniquely created by God.

I know it's natural for adults to notice those who are excelling, to see and encourage those who have potential and desire success, but for me, this perpetuated my deep need to be excellent at everything I do. My personal bent in this area continues to create a lot of insecurity, striving, and anxiety in my daily life. It is partially how I am wired, but our culture also supports the idea that we create value in ourselves by being particularly excellent at something interesting and important. I have to intentionally undo this desire to be known for my achievements by focusing on God's excellent desires. None of us will find lasting fulfillment in accomplishment and success alone. God has something much bigger and much better for us.

He wants to show His love for me and move me to freely give His love to others. Through Jesus He has declared me righteous and He wants me to point others toward His glorious gift. He gives me peace in all circumstances and wants me to offer peace to all I encounter.

The list goes on: obedience, kindness, mercy, sacrifice, praise, patience. There are endless ways we experience and show the love of God, and enjoying the excellent achievements He gives us is only one of the ways we encounter Him. When I despair in my failed attempts, I act like God's goodness is unavailable in places where I am not perfect. When I do my best then wallow in worry over the outcome, I treat God's plans as untrustworthy. When I lack confidence in my talents for fear of what others will think, I treat God's intentional design of my life like a careless toss of the dice.

God is the farthest thing from unavailable, untrustworthy or careless. He has better plans for us after this life than anything we can achieve during our life on earth. And we have opportunity to participate in God's plans here on earth every day, in simple, easy ways.

When we love people despite their weakness, we give them God's love. When we recognize others' patience, we are evidence to them that God sees their efforts. When we encourage a person during a time of failure, we prove to them God's ability to meet them where they are. When we notice a small, special part of someone, we give them evidence of God's creative spark in their soul.

There are endless ways to give God to others, and to see Him in our lives. Like I said earlier, being excellent at something impressive is just one thing, only one way to see Him working in our lives. Being a dependable friend or persisting in doing good are tangible ways to be excellent at showing God to world around us. Being kind to your children and finding the good in hard situations are beautiful gifts to those around us. Bringing peace to your family and providing for tangible needs of those around you are enduring, fruit-bearing sacrifices.

Do not despise the little things. Do not strive after only big things. Do not let being excellent at one thing define your worth. Do not be discouraged with failure and closed doors. Put aside your desire for obtaining a great name, and desire instead to obtain fulfillment in Christ. Don't set your heart on finding fulfillment in what you can achieve in this life. Set your heart on God's plans for you to live a life of praising Him rather than seeking praise for yourself. Treasure the ways God is preparing you for eternal joy. Hope in what comes after this life is done. Only then will your failures feel small and insignificant. See what God sees in you, and search for what only He can reveal.

"Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Matthew 6:19-20

If all of this makes sense, but you cannot get your heart to agree, you are not alone. I am right there with you. It is still good for you to set your mind to the task. It's a wonderful opportunity to practice humility and admit you cannot do it yourself. Wait for God to change your heart and be willing to take the step forward, obeying even if your heart is not enthusiastic. He is good to us, and He will pull you in. He will not leave you in despair forever. Your ability to excitedly chase after God may come and go, but it does not make the prize any less wonderful. Go for it anyway. Walking, running, crawling, or inching, it's all still forward motion.