Dessert Love.

Once again, I'm doing this late in the evening.

We spent most of our day out in McMinnville celebrating my mother-in-law's birthday and we ended up staying late to watch an evening football game. I had thought about bringing my computer so I could possibly write while I was there but figured I'd just do it later. I also thought about typing out a post from my phone, but ain't no one got patience for that.

It's not really hard to think of things to write about, but it's hard to think of interesting things to write about. I know this challenge is not supposed to be about writing something really amazing, but I just always wish I could :)

Anyway, I am sitting here eating some peanut butter-filled pretzel bites and thought maybe I would write about some of my favorite foods.

I'm a dessert girl. I joke that I have a 2nd stomach just for desserts, and my mom and many others who know me well can testify. My husband discovered early on that I have almost no limit of the amount of dessert I can eat. I also have a special happy look that I get when I think of delectable foods... I just can't help it!

We had only been married two weeks when we were getting ready to be in the wedding of our best friends. We were through with the rehearsal and were having a wonderful time at dinner when dessert came around. It was this incredible chocolate mousse, served in a chocolate cup and I devoured mine in about one minute. Mark could only eat about half of his... so I finished it off for him, just to be a good wife. Then, another one of our best friends also could not eat all of his.... and you know what comes next. I ate his too.

Did I feel sick? No. Was I full? Not quite. Did I have any regrets? Well, I only weighted about 100 pounds back then, so no.

Mark was shocked. He had never seen that side of me, and I've proved it still exists over and over again. Although, now that I cannot just eat 3000 calories in a day without turning into a fat blob, I try to limit my dessert intake. I can't wait for desserts in heaven - they must be amazing, and calorie free!

My favorite desserts these days come from a local place called Papa Haydn's. Not only do they have amazing food on their dinner menu, but their dessert options are fantastic. They have a huge menu, a giant case full of gorgeous cakes and treats, and I've loved almost every single thing I've had. Which is actually quite a lot, since we used to live 1 mile away and spent many a date-night consuming calories while the kids slept at home with mom and dad keeping an ear out.

If you are in Portland, you MUST go eat there sometime. They have their regular dessert menu, which is seriously FULL of amazing items to choose from, but then they always have some seasonal items too. Here are a few of my favorites:

- Chocolate Truffle Cake
- Passion
- Raspberry Gateau
- Marjolaine
- Cassata

In the summer they sometimes have a lime-coconut cake that is adore, plus their cocktails (especially the hot ones) are fantastic.

I could go on and on about other desserts at other places, but I'll leave it at this for now. Go to Papa Haydn's, and don't share your dessert with a friend or loved one (unless you both go halfsies). Worst case scenario, you'll have extra dessert for tomorrow!

Finding Priorities.

As I speak, my husband and his friend/our friend are downstairs chatting away. He joined our family for Family Movie Night tonight and we have been talking and catching up on life and such. We watched a helpful TED talk about time management and how making priorities is what really manages our time. At the end I realized I had not written my 500 words yet today and decided to hop upstairs and get to it - after all, it's a priority this month!

In the TED talk, the woman says that we have time for what we make time for, for what we prioritize. She gives the example of a busy woman who had her hot water-heater break and ruin a ton of stuff in her basement, and how the woman found seven hours in her week to deal with all of it. How did she manage squeezing out that many hours? It was urgent! Super-duper important. 

So when we say we don't have time for something, and we feel like saying "I don't have time," this woman (sorry, I cannot remember her name) says what we really should say instead is "That's not a priority for me."

It's kind of hard to say, isn't it? Especially when whatever that "thing" is is something we actually want... just not more than the other things we are doing instead. I find this true in my own life, and I've only recently begun to recognize that many things aren't as important to me as I like to think they are. 

What's really sad, is that usually it's my comfort-level or my laziness that are the priority. Why don't I want to clean my bathrooms? Too much work. Why don't I want to get up and cook a nice breakfast? I'd rather sleep. Why don't I read my bible more than I read other books? Yikes, good question! 

But recognizing my own genuine priorities is the only way to start not doing the things I don't actually want to do, and begin doing the things I've only been wishing or hoping to participate in. Like art (hopefully you aren't sick of hearing about this yet). If I want to make progress in my artistic endeavors, I need to spend more time on it. Who cares if it isn't hours every day? 30 minutes every day is still more time than I was spending on it before. 

Last year when I decided to make reading those three categories of books a priority, I tried to figure out how many chapters per day I would need to read. It was kind of an estimate, since many of the books I was planning to read I did not have on hand yet to check the chapter totals, but I figured if I read 3-5 chapters per day I would easily reach my goal. After a few days, I read my five chapters but still felt like I was not reading enough. It dawned on me that since I just love reading and learning, the amount of time I spent reading would probably never feel like enough. So now when I "feel" like I haven't read enough, it's easy for me to recognize that it's just because I love it, not because I didn't actually prioritize it enough. The actual amount of time spent or the short-term goal accomplished needs to inform me of my progress more than how I am feeling about all of it and it has been much easier for my to see that I actually am following my priorities.

Like most problems, admitting you have a problem is the first step, right? Where are you struggling with priorities that you want to get straightened out? For me, decreasing my social media time has been a big deal. If I'm on there too much, it's both a time-suck and a soul-suck. Trading that time for doodling, lettering, painting, and whatever else has had the exact opposite effect. 

Are there areas in your life that you can swap like this? Think about it. Let me know how it goes. And Happy Weekend to you :)

The Writing Bug.

I'm not exactly sure I have "the writing bug." When I read books from other writers about what it feels like to be a writer, I can totally sympathize. It's very "in your own head" and can be extremely isolating... if you are actively writing that is. It feels like selfish work. It sometimes feels like pointless work.

I keep seeing ads for a subscription to something called Master Class. Have you heard of it? Basically, it's a company that has a ton of top professionals in different fields who teach a set of sessions on their field of expertise. I love the little blurb by Margaret Atwood! I also watched the ad for the class with Judy Blume and she said some interesting things that stuck with me. She says the only reason she thinks writers write is because they feel they have to, that they don't have a choice. She says it is a horrible profession; isolating, full of rejection, painfully slow, and often demoralizing.

It's that "have to write" that keeps me going. The last couple months I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out my need to write. And, when I'm honest, I think I was trying to silence the part of me that needs to write, or feels compelled to. I certainly don't think I need to write for my own consolation, or to feel better about life. I'd really rather not! In fact, I'm sick of writing something and trying to see if I can make it good enough for people to want to read and share it. I know I don't HAVE to do that, but it's the natural next step my brain wants to take when I write something.

I do sometimes write simply because I just HAVE to share what I am learning. That's the part of writing that resonates with me. I enjoy explaining stuff. I love comping up with the perfect analogy for something that is difficult to describe, or digging deep into my research to come up with a more precise way of knowing and understanding whatever it is I'm studying. But the job of writing and the "career" that it seems to produce in the field I write in... I just can't envision that.

I used to see myself as becoming a big-name Christian author, and I won't lie, it's still kind of enticing to me. I've just always desired to stand out and be known for something impressive (just being honest here). But more and more I am seeing that I am scared to become that, and I feel like I have no idea how I could possibly navigate that and my family very well at the same time. It's not a dream I want to chase, but I still can't escape the compulsion to write, or the burden that I feel when I stop doing it. However, being very type-A, and having an overbearing Achiever personality, I cannot escape all the planning, figuring out, and trying to make-it-happen that comes with having a goal.

Truth is, I can't figure out a goal that works with my life right now, and it's driving me a little bonkers. I understand that with homeschooling and mothering well, my goals necessitate a much slower pace than I'd like to go. But I often would rather just not do it than go so slow. So I distract myself, pursue other things, and try to figure out how to turn off the "you must write" switch that is somewhere in my soul.

I don't think I can turn it off, but I'm not actually excited for where that will lead me. I suppose it's wise to not be disillusioned about the future I am pursuing, but I'm definitely trying to figure out how to move forward with excitement about it when it all feels very daunting and potentially very un-fun.

This might be a lot more soul-searching than you bargained for in this post. But, it's where I'm at. And it's what you get since I couldn't think of anything better to write about today - ha! Thanks for reading anyway :)

Juggling Everything.

My life feels crazy sometimes, and I usually try to blame it on homeschooling (ha).

It really is a privilege to be able to stay home each day and not need to get a job outside the home. I am blessed to have such great support in my homeschooling that I almost never have a family member or friend treating me like I am not competent enough to handle it. I am so thankful that homeschooling has not required us to drastically change our lifestyle, as I was still staying at home with the kids before we even began. Granted, without homeschooling we'd likely go on more vacations, and I might be more sane, but so far, it has been a greater blessing than it has been a burden.

This doesn't mean I don't have to do a lot of juggling or sacrificing though.

The hardest part of all the juggling is really hard to nail down. There are a lot of inconveniences, but also a lot of be glad about. I'm going to list a few challenges along with their counterpart blessings and hopefully it will be an interesting thing to read.

- I have to clean up so many dishes because we are eating breakfast, lunch and dinner here almost every day... but I almost never have to either prep lunches the night before or early in the morning (hallelujah!).

- I often have to interrupt my own schooling-schedule to get the laundry done... but I usually have helpers hanging about. Bonus: if I fold laundry in the evening, it's a good excuse to close my bedroom doors and listen to podcasts or audiobooks without a spec of guilt!

- It is SO hard to schedule Dr and Dentist appointments for myself when I have to find a sitter, interrupt schoolwork, and/or take them with me... but figuring out when to schedule their appointments is a breeze!

- When I leave the house to go run errands, I have to take almost all of them with me every single time... but, with limited "school events" I almost never feel like a chauffeur.

- It is really hard to find time to be alone and gather my thoughts... but, that means I do a lot of my living and learning WITH my kids, thus exposing them to a lot of "adult" problems throughout their lives.

I am pretty confident that homeschooling has given me more than it has taken away. Sure, they might miss out on certain things I had in school (free music lessons, more pick-up sports and games, riding a school bus), but they also get out of a lot of things I wish I could forget. Plus, living up here in Portland is such a great place for a homeschooler. There are SO many activities for the kids to be involved in, more than one family could ever take advantage of. Springtime in Oregon is amazing, and we have loads of time to hike, go to the zoo, and take day-trips that kids in regular schools can't do at their leisure.

Most of all, homeschooling has taught me how to learn and that has given me a confidence I carry into many other areas of life. Yes, I often feel an insane amount of pressure to do my best by them, and to get everything done in a way that doesn't take away from their education, but I'm learning how to juggle expectations, to not question my decisions so much, and pare down our activities to what my husband and I believe will be most valuable for them.

It's a hard road, full of bumps, trials, and learning, but it's one I'm so thankful to be traveling.

A List.

Today's prompt was to write a list. I thought of a bunch of different kinds of lists I could make but none of them seemed that great.

Again, it's the whole "whatever I do must be original, amazing, and the best ever" type of thought-process that keeps me from actually doing stuff. So, it might be boring, but I'll throw out a list here and see what happens.

Art Supplies I was recently gifted or purchased myself:

- calligraphy set
- calligraphy books
- calligraphy ink
- table-top, medium-sized easel
- a small, blank canvas (my sweet middle-child spent his own gift-money on it for me)
- a variety of gel pens
- Tombow Fudenosuke brush pens
- Tombow Dual Brush Pens
- Calligraphy Made Easy - this book is not "real" calligraphy... it has calligraphic elements, but doing the "real" thing with a legitimate nib is WAY harder. Though, I am LOVING this book and highly recommend it for anyone wanting to learn brush-lettering
- blank sketch book (THIS one - so lovely!)
- Pentel water brush pens
- How to Draw Modern Florals - this book is pretty straightforward, but super helpful!

There might be a few more things too. I basically used all the money Mark gave me to spend on my birthday on books and art supplies. I'm trying to embrace my inner artist more - it's one thing I regret not pursuing more intentionally.

It's odd really. I was extremely athletic (still am, just not in decent shape) and very artistic, but those are two career fields most teachers and leaders in the school system seem to try and steer you away from. In college I had momentarily decided to minor in Art (under my Writing and Lit major) but felt like I was so far behind that I could never really do it. I had a roommate for one semester who was an art major, and she was always behind on some major project and I never felt like I had the capacity or tools/knowledge to do anything remotely as well as she did.

This new thing I'm working on is a lesson I am still learning. Honestly, like this very minute.

Making a little progress is better than doing nothing. 

I'm pretty sure this idea comes up a lot on my blog. I'd rather just give up than progress only a tiny bit and still be so far from where I wish I was. But inaction and regret will just keep me here. So this year I am really attempting to do less of what my head says is realistic, and do more of the things I really wish I had been doing before. Which includes a lot of art.

I had a conversation once, with the same friend who previously encouraged me to try this 31-day writing challenge, and we talked about looking at great works of art. I told her that I look at paintings and feel a tiny rush of adrenaline, then a little jealousy, wishing I could paint something beautiful too. She looked at me and said "I think you should probably do something about that, because I don't have that feeling at all, and I don't think everyone does."

So, I am hopeful to make some good progress in that endeavor this year. Thus the abundance of art supplies I've begun to collect :) We'll see how it goes. It's hard to only be "average" and feel like I don't know how I'm supposed to do stuff, but the only way to overcome that is to keep moving forward.

The Power to Change.

I had the weirdest dreams last night. And they almost kept me from getting up and heading to CrossFit.

When my alarm went off, I was reeling and trying to sort things out. I was also scared that there might be wall-balls in the workout and was seriously dreading the idea. I lay there wondering how badly I really needed to go. During our weeks with CC I haven't been going to CrossFit on Wednesdays because the schedule just makes it too difficult (read: I'm unwilling to go at the hours available to me those days), so while CC is not in session I have been trying really hard to go three times per week. However, with holidays, visitors, and a few late nights, I only made it happen just last week.

The thought of only having one more week to hit the gym three times guaranteed (maybe for six weeks) was the final thought that pulled me out of bed.

My workout was great. I was sweating buckets, had beat my previous time, and got to thinking about everything on the way home.

In my dream, there was this man who was bossing everyone around, but not just in an annoying or frustrating way. He was manipulative, deceiving, and ruining lives by keeping people stuck in the weird vortex/dream-land we were all in. He was testing me and challenged me to see if I could change the glass of milk he was about to drop and pour out. At the very last moment, I was able to change the glass of milk into a glass of water, and then it disappeared.

After that, a couple other totally random and weird things happened, and the woman I was with realized that I had the power to stop things, to change things. We ran around trying to stop what we needed in order to get people out of the vortex, which included a black and white dog getting bathed, another dog just hanging out, and creating a hole in a random room.

No, it did not make a lot of sense.

But, when I thought about the power it was holding over me, about the weight it was when I first woke up, about the idea about having the power to change things, and the ability to stop things, it all began to make a lot more sense.

Don't we often let external circumstances control us? Don't you ever have something happen to you and then make a bunch of bad decisions afterwards because it all just felt too hard?

This is what I almost did this morning. I almost let a bad feeling from a dream keep me from making the progress I want to make. And I wonder how often all of us do this. I know many of my decisions about what I am going to work on or work towards are based on how I am feeling in the moment.

But to change lives and change our world, we have to change the way we make decisions.

Decisions need to be based on more than just how difficult or challenging a situation feels.

Decisions shouldn't be based on what we think the outcome might be (i.e. make me too tired, cost me too much, not work out exactly as planned).

Decisions ought to be made with a clear knowledge of the advantages, a knowledge of right and wrong, and a clear understanding of where we want to go.

I was amazed at how little it took this morning to almost keep me in bed. How much am I missing out on because I don't think I have what it takes to make the progress I want to make? I'm so often intimidated by the difficulty of the path ahead, but that thought-process is holding me back.

Maybe you need the kick in the pants like I do. We all have the power to change. There's no guarantee that you will change anything other than yourself, but I do believe that we impact the people around us by simply existing near them, and any positive change in your life is sure to bleed into the lives of others. Don't bank on what that outcome will be, but trust that God will use it as blessing as you choose to honor Him with the fullness of your life.

I pray that you have the courage, desire, and vision to pursue the life God is calling you toward.

Telling Stories.

Deciding to do this 500 word daily writing challenge was kind of a big deal for me. I'm very "all or nothing", or at least I used to be, and the fear of trying to do something but not being able to do it "all the way" or to the very best of my ability can be pretty daunting. The last thing I wanted to do was to sign up for something, tell everyone I was going to do it, and then mess up. 

I know, I know, messing up is not that big a deal. If I missed a day, who cares, right? 

On one hand, yes, who really cares? It wouldn't be that big of a deal. I'm not under any sort of contract, it's not even like a ton of people are reading these or expecting one from me every day, but I simply detest the idea of not finishing something like this. 

One the other hand, what is the point of doing a challenge if I'm not going to take it seriously? Why  bother if I'm just okay with missing a day because it was "too hard" or "too inconvenient" to get it done? 

That's the achiever in me talking. But, the achiever is part of who I am. It's what has enabled me to do all the things I've done. I don't think many of them are worth noting individually, but overall I get a lot done because I love having gotten stuff done. And I owe it to the "random" innate personality and drive that the good Lord has given me. 

When I decided to do this challenge, I also registered on Jeff Goins' website to receive the daily emails about this challenge. They often give a little prompt to get you going or some advice on how to follow through. Today's prompt was to write a story about someone. I'm trying to figure out why that is so hard for me! 

I think it's Annie Dillard who says that you should just write the truth about people. If they weren't nice to you, then that's their problem (paraphrasing here). Don't worry about what they think! 

I don't really have stories that would be very mean to tell, maybe just a few. Probably mostly about boys in Jr High or Highschool. The thing is, I'm not sure if I can even tell stories well. I think that I'm pretty good at explaining things, coming up with good analogies, and teaching concepts, but when it comes to telling stories, I feel like I have no idea where I stand. 

Maybe part of that is because I haven't tried to write any "real" stories yet, and how can I know until I do? 

I do dream of writing some great fiction someday and I have lots of big ideas tucked away in notebooks. Maybe the reason I don't start is fear, but it's also mixed with lack of time. Well, maybe not just having the hours in the day, but it just isn't a big priority right now. I don't have a story burning in my soul that overrides homeschooling, housekeeping, and all my other endeavors. 

Maybe someday soon you'll get a short story on here. Can I even write one about 500 words long? Guess we'll just have to wait and see!