I had the weirdest dreams last night. And they almost kept me from getting up and heading to CrossFit.
When my alarm went off, I was reeling and trying to sort things out. I was also scared that there might be wall-balls in the workout and was seriously dreading the idea. I lay there wondering how badly I really needed to go. During our weeks with CC I haven't been going to CrossFit on Wednesdays because the schedule just makes it too difficult (read: I'm unwilling to go at the hours available to me those days), so while CC is not in session I have been trying really hard to go three times per week. However, with holidays, visitors, and a few late nights, I only made it happen just last week.
The thought of only having one more week to hit the gym three times guaranteed (maybe for six weeks) was the final thought that pulled me out of bed.
My workout was great. I was sweating buckets, had beat my previous time, and got to thinking about everything on the way home.
In my dream, there was this man who was bossing everyone around, but not just in an annoying or frustrating way. He was manipulative, deceiving, and ruining lives by keeping people stuck in the weird vortex/dream-land we were all in. He was testing me and challenged me to see if I could change the glass of milk he was about to drop and pour out. At the very last moment, I was able to change the glass of milk into a glass of water, and then it disappeared.
After that, a couple other totally random and weird things happened, and the woman I was with realized that I had the power to stop things, to change things. We ran around trying to stop what we needed in order to get people out of the vortex, which included a black and white dog getting bathed, another dog just hanging out, and creating a hole in a random room.
No, it did not make a lot of sense.
But, when I thought about the power it was holding over me, about the weight it was when I first woke up, about the idea about having the power to change things, and the ability to stop things, it all began to make a lot more sense.
Don't we often let external circumstances control us? Don't you ever have something happen to you and then make a bunch of bad decisions afterwards because it all just felt too hard?
This is what I almost did this morning. I almost let a bad feeling from a dream keep me from making the progress I want to make. And I wonder how often all of us do this. I know many of my decisions about what I am going to work on or work towards are based on how I am feeling in the moment.
But to change lives and change our world, we have to change the way we make decisions.
Decisions need to be based on more than just how difficult or challenging a situation feels.
Decisions shouldn't be based on what we think the outcome might be (i.e. make me too tired, cost me too much, not work out exactly as planned).
Decisions ought to be made with a clear knowledge of the advantages, a knowledge of right and wrong, and a clear understanding of where we want to go.
I was amazed at how little it took this morning to almost keep me in bed. How much am I missing out on because I don't think I have what it takes to make the progress I want to make? I'm so often intimidated by the difficulty of the path ahead, but that thought-process is holding me back.
Maybe you need the kick in the pants like I do. We all have the power to change. There's no guarantee that you will change anything other than yourself, but I do believe that we impact the people around us by simply existing near them, and any positive change in your life is sure to bleed into the lives of others. Don't bank on what that outcome will be, but trust that God will use it as blessing as you choose to honor Him with the fullness of your life.
I pray that you have the courage, desire, and vision to pursue the life God is calling you toward.
Showing posts with label Thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Thoughts. Show all posts
Monday, January 7, 2019
Saturday, March 31, 2018
Thinking About Thoughts.
This month has been filled with some unexpected things. A funky molar that needed a better look (and a couple extra dental appointments) and a toilet that destroyed a solid chunk of our house are just two examples. The molar is almost done being dealt with (phew!) but the bathroom situation is a little more intense. It will require a lot more work and us potentially moving out for a short stint. You can guess how I feel about packing up much of our belongings again. Ha!
There have also been other unexpected things that are relatively minor but changed my daily habits, which is always a challenge to figure out. My hoopla stopped giving me access to all the books I used to listen to, so I haven't been able to finish the books I set out to get through this past month. My book proposal I've been working on since September took longer than expected, which is kind of frustrating since it was already taking much longer than I thought it would. I'm figuring out that most writing, especially writing books, is far more arduous than authors let on. I have a feeling I'll be learning that lesson for a while. But the proposal part is done, several chapters are written (which I'm sure will still be edited at some point during the process) and I'll be sending it off to a couple agencies and publishers. I still cannot believe it is done!
But the biggest lesson about unexpected events I have learned this month is how God works in unexpected ways. Not always outside of us, but usually inside. The key is allowing it to happen.
I am often grumpy on Sunday mornings. Church starts just a touch earlier than I like and I don't have the time to just linger in the morning the way I prefer. But with our Call this month to Receive the Mind of Christ, I have found myself more quickly changed than usual. When my mind says "Let's see what God wants me to think about this" I tend to get over my selfish pouting faster than had I just obsessed over what I don't like about it. It's been such a nice change that I'm shocked, and a little embarrassed, I don't do it more often. And I definitely had times during the month I could have been better about making an effort toward that end. I'm still a work in progress.
I really wanted to have this lovely blog post all figured out and perfectly in order last week, but I prioritized my proposal and decided that a late, more "real" and unstructured blog post would still be better than nothing. I don't have a ton of thoughts, or any super deep, insightful analogies to share with you; just a bit of encouragement, a bit of comfort for seasons of struggle or slowness.
Last week I finally received a book I had won a couple months ago. The author, John Eldredge, really resonates with me. He is passionate about Christians not becoming dispassionate in an attempt to live a good, Christian life. He argues that God made your heart and moves you through your longings, so to just tune them out or disregard them is not wise or healthy. God uses our longings and they need to be carefully directed toward Him. We need this kind of encouragement! To not just throw away our hearts when we decide to follow God, but to give them over to Him.
The book I won is called All Things New and I am eager to get to it (right after I finish The Brothers Karamazov). I'm feeling the exciting culmination of the months leading up to April and Easter and pray that these changes I am experiencing are more permanent and lasting than other seasons of my life. Here are some of the things I am now doing after working through my Called series so far, things I really want to keep doing:
- searching to Know God more deeply
- asking God what He is doing
- asking God what He wants me to do
- seeking to understand God's perspective on my situations
- following through on tasks that I don't love in order to honor God and serve others
Am I perfect? Heck no. My house still isn't as clean as I'd like (or I'm sure my husband would like) and I've let go of a couple endeavors that, while fun and could have potential, were just diverting me from what I am really committed to and caused me stress. My kids still get on my nerves and I still often react poorly when I am tired, hungry, or under a time constraint. But I see improvement in my heart and it is slowly bleeding out into the rest of my life.
While many Christians have a day and night difference in their lives once turning their life over to Christ, mine has been a slower pace, forming since I was just a child. And I've gone through seasons of wrestling with that, wondering if my testimony would be "weaker" or less important. But God has been so gracious to encourage me this year in all of that. We are all in this for the long haul, and even those dramatic conversions will have periods of time where progress feels slow, where hearts are tempted to turn back to the things they loved before. It is in the consistent, slow, almost invisible work we do that God grows the seeds of the fruit we will bear. And preparing our hearts is a pivotal first step in creating a fertile ground for all of that growing and working.
What is God working out in you this month? If you've followed along with the Five Minute Challenge, what have you seen God changing in your mind? In your heart? How has thinking about having God's perspective on your life enabled you to better live for Him?
Next month I will look at how the bible Calls us to Prepare for Jesus' return. How fitting that Easter is in April this year?! I will not be posting on Easter, but by April 4th I will have a new post and new goals for us. I am feeling the culmination of all our efforts building to this weighty tasks. I am also seeing how God has been so kind to align so many different teachings in my life to guide me in thinking through this endeavor. Every time I go to church it seems like God is giving me a small seed I need either for this series or for my book. It feels a little ridiculous that He would be so gracious. It's not like I'm a huge blogger or prominent figure, yet He still reaches down and shows me He is preparing a good work for me. Just as He wants to do for you!
May you feel the blessings of God this week. Especially the blessing of a promised eternity that is waiting for you. This life will bring trouble, tribulation, and hardship, but it doesn't end with those things. The best is yet to come! He has risen!
There have also been other unexpected things that are relatively minor but changed my daily habits, which is always a challenge to figure out. My hoopla stopped giving me access to all the books I used to listen to, so I haven't been able to finish the books I set out to get through this past month. My book proposal I've been working on since September took longer than expected, which is kind of frustrating since it was already taking much longer than I thought it would. I'm figuring out that most writing, especially writing books, is far more arduous than authors let on. I have a feeling I'll be learning that lesson for a while. But the proposal part is done, several chapters are written (which I'm sure will still be edited at some point during the process) and I'll be sending it off to a couple agencies and publishers. I still cannot believe it is done!
But the biggest lesson about unexpected events I have learned this month is how God works in unexpected ways. Not always outside of us, but usually inside. The key is allowing it to happen.
I am often grumpy on Sunday mornings. Church starts just a touch earlier than I like and I don't have the time to just linger in the morning the way I prefer. But with our Call this month to Receive the Mind of Christ, I have found myself more quickly changed than usual. When my mind says "Let's see what God wants me to think about this" I tend to get over my selfish pouting faster than had I just obsessed over what I don't like about it. It's been such a nice change that I'm shocked, and a little embarrassed, I don't do it more often. And I definitely had times during the month I could have been better about making an effort toward that end. I'm still a work in progress.
I really wanted to have this lovely blog post all figured out and perfectly in order last week, but I prioritized my proposal and decided that a late, more "real" and unstructured blog post would still be better than nothing. I don't have a ton of thoughts, or any super deep, insightful analogies to share with you; just a bit of encouragement, a bit of comfort for seasons of struggle or slowness.
Last week I finally received a book I had won a couple months ago. The author, John Eldredge, really resonates with me. He is passionate about Christians not becoming dispassionate in an attempt to live a good, Christian life. He argues that God made your heart and moves you through your longings, so to just tune them out or disregard them is not wise or healthy. God uses our longings and they need to be carefully directed toward Him. We need this kind of encouragement! To not just throw away our hearts when we decide to follow God, but to give them over to Him.
The book I won is called All Things New and I am eager to get to it (right after I finish The Brothers Karamazov). I'm feeling the exciting culmination of the months leading up to April and Easter and pray that these changes I am experiencing are more permanent and lasting than other seasons of my life. Here are some of the things I am now doing after working through my Called series so far, things I really want to keep doing:
- searching to Know God more deeply
- asking God what He is doing
- asking God what He wants me to do
- seeking to understand God's perspective on my situations
- following through on tasks that I don't love in order to honor God and serve others
Am I perfect? Heck no. My house still isn't as clean as I'd like (or I'm sure my husband would like) and I've let go of a couple endeavors that, while fun and could have potential, were just diverting me from what I am really committed to and caused me stress. My kids still get on my nerves and I still often react poorly when I am tired, hungry, or under a time constraint. But I see improvement in my heart and it is slowly bleeding out into the rest of my life.
While many Christians have a day and night difference in their lives once turning their life over to Christ, mine has been a slower pace, forming since I was just a child. And I've gone through seasons of wrestling with that, wondering if my testimony would be "weaker" or less important. But God has been so gracious to encourage me this year in all of that. We are all in this for the long haul, and even those dramatic conversions will have periods of time where progress feels slow, where hearts are tempted to turn back to the things they loved before. It is in the consistent, slow, almost invisible work we do that God grows the seeds of the fruit we will bear. And preparing our hearts is a pivotal first step in creating a fertile ground for all of that growing and working.
What is God working out in you this month? If you've followed along with the Five Minute Challenge, what have you seen God changing in your mind? In your heart? How has thinking about having God's perspective on your life enabled you to better live for Him?
Next month I will look at how the bible Calls us to Prepare for Jesus' return. How fitting that Easter is in April this year?! I will not be posting on Easter, but by April 4th I will have a new post and new goals for us. I am feeling the culmination of all our efforts building to this weighty tasks. I am also seeing how God has been so kind to align so many different teachings in my life to guide me in thinking through this endeavor. Every time I go to church it seems like God is giving me a small seed I need either for this series or for my book. It feels a little ridiculous that He would be so gracious. It's not like I'm a huge blogger or prominent figure, yet He still reaches down and shows me He is preparing a good work for me. Just as He wants to do for you!
May you feel the blessings of God this week. Especially the blessing of a promised eternity that is waiting for you. This life will bring trouble, tribulation, and hardship, but it doesn't end with those things. The best is yet to come! He has risen!
Thursday, March 1, 2018
Receiving the Mind of Christ.
Last week I reached the point of the year where I felt ready to give up on all my goals. Two months have gone by fairly quickly, but lately I am looking at everything I've done, everything yet to do, and everything still not getting done on a regular basis and I feel like I am beginning to crumble. Maybe it's a phase, maybe it's a response to overcommitting and my desire to achieve, but maybe it's because my mind is not where it should be.
I'll be the first to admit; I have a hard time letting God have His way.
Yes, we just finished the month about obedience, but my thought-life is still trying to get on board. I have a lot of "ifs" that need worked through and a lot of insecurities that need tossed. It feels easy to trust God with something big and important, but I am struggling to surrender my life over to the sacrifices that are required of me right now, day after day. I know my perspective is skewed. And while I can still choose to obey, the heartache and frustration from still wishing things were different, easier, more glamorous and less blah, are wearing me down.
This is where I'm going to take a public leap of faith, say a million prayers, and go to bed each night hoping God does His work.
I am hopeful that if I truly have the same priorities as God, if I can fully gain His insight, and understand what He wants for my life, my heart will eventually come around.
Let's all pray that "eventually" is more like tomorrow, or even next week; the sooner the better!
My head insists on thinking about what my days and my life should look like. I know it's not how God says I should spend my time and thoughts, but it is a challenge getting my mind to stop. I'm overwhelmed but feel like I'm not doing enough. I'm exhausted with my to-do list but it's never close to being done. I go back and forth between wanting to rest and wanting to get the work done, hoping one of those options will enable me to truly be at peace for a bit. But even when I am obeying the best I know how, my mind is still not tracking the way I believe God wants it to.
This month's Call is all about our thought-life. Not just all this "positivity" and "good-vibes" but spending our time focused on what it means to Receive the Mind of Christ. We are called to use our minds for His glory. We are commanded to filter what comes in (Romans 10:4-6). Not only is our mind one of the ways God uses the Holy Spirit to speak to us, but our minds inform our hearts (Proverbs 4:23). And I desperately need my mind to start informing my heart of what is true, honorable, lovely, and more.
The verse I want us to focus on this month really stands out to me. It was actually really challenging to pick just this one because the whole section in 1 Corinthians 2 is truly amazing. Go read it all! For now, think about what is said in verse 12:
"Now we have received not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, that we might understand the things freely given us by God."
Earlier in the chapter, Paul is talking about how we cannot fathom what God has in store for us, and that no one can know the thoughts of God. BUT, and it is a really big BUT, the Holy Spirit searches even the depths of God and then speaks to us. Isn't that amazing? What a gift!
Not only are there riches to fathom in receiving the mind of Christ, but there is wisdom to be had as well. And Proverbs is chock-full of advice about seeking wisdom. We need it, and we need it to come from God. Not just from friends on Instagram, not only from that non-fiction author who mostly talks about biblical stuff, but from God Himself.
I know getting your mind right with God might feel like strange business. I mean, He has to do the work, so what exactly are we supposed to do?
We need to start by making ourselves available. If we are constantly filled with the world, we have left no room for the things of God. If during every free second of our days we turn to social media, email, or communicating with others, we have left no open window for God to come in and communicate with us. We will need to learn to sit, be still, quiet our thoughts and simply listen. We will need to search the scriptures without an agenda. We will need to meditate on what we read and become willing to sit without immediate answers. We will need to stop thinking our thoughts and instead, ask God about His thoughts.
I was kind of dreading this post because I feel like I am doing such a lousy job of this lately, but after writing about all of that slowing down and sitting in silence, it sounds incredibly ideal and brings me refreshing hope. Are you up for it? Will you put your phone down, wait for God to move His Spirit and tell you what He has freely given you?
My book list is quite a bit shorter for this month's Call. I may add some others in a week or so, but since my goal is to sit and let God do the speaking, I want to clear my schedule a bit and stop filling my mind with everything I think is best.
Per the recommendation of my pastor, I am listening to Think: The Life of the Mind and the Love of God by John Piper. I am only about 45 minutes in and am thoroughly encouraged.
I have already read David Mathis' book, Habits of Grace, and listened to it via the app Hoopla twice. I HIGHLY recommend it. It is practical, spiritually deep though, and a great encouragement no matter where you find yourself in your walk with God.
I will also be reading a few chapters in Proverbs each day. I might skirt around and check out other books as I feel lead (especially Ecclesiastes) but I want to really understand the gravity of how important wisdom from God really is and should be to us. I want to want it as bad as Solomon said we need it.
Like I said before, I hope that focusing on what needs to be in my mind and spending time allowing God to work in my thoughts will bring a peace to my heart that I am currently lacking. I need God's perspective on my life and I desire my heart to just play along nice and quit making it so hard. On one hand, I am comforted that even Paul felt like this (Romans 7:15-24), wanting one thing that you know you don't actually want, and doing the things you don't want to do, but I cannot force myself out of this place. I need to set my mind on the Spirit and allow Him to move in my mind, changing the desires of my flesh and bringing me genuine peace.
I'm guessing you need that too, right? Let's work on it together!
I am also hosting a Five Minute Challenge this month, every Monday through Friday on my Instagram (@joellen.armstrong). We'll spend five minutes in silence, allowing God to speak to us. No phone, no journaling, no praying even except for asking God to fill our minds with His mind. I'm excited to see so many women becoming more connected to God and more aware of His working in our lives. Follow me there and let me know you'll join in.
Make sure you also sign up to receive my monthly newsletter here (and get some cool bookmarks while you do) and then join our Facebook group to receive some other freebies and be encouraged.
I'm praying this is a month that makes an impact for all of us. I am asking God to fill my mind with what He desires, with what He wants me to know about Him, about life, about salvation and more. Here are a few questions you can ask yourself to help get your thinking going. Feel free to answer in the comments or write them down to ponder alone. May God bless your efforts in understanding Him better.
What thoughts against myself am I constantly battling?
What do I know about God that can change how I am looking at this difficult, annoying, frustrating, or even tragic situation?
What truths has God given me that I can cling to?
How can I "set my mind on the Spirit" as Paul says in Romans 8?
What personal desires are keeping me from wanting the life God wants me to enjoy living?
If you are wrestling through life, trying to get a handle on everything, please don't hesitate to reach out for prayer. It is a powerful tool and it builds community and encourages authentic relationships. Whether it is me or someone else you know, ask someone to pray for you! You won't regret it.
I'll be the first to admit; I have a hard time letting God have His way.
Yes, we just finished the month about obedience, but my thought-life is still trying to get on board. I have a lot of "ifs" that need worked through and a lot of insecurities that need tossed. It feels easy to trust God with something big and important, but I am struggling to surrender my life over to the sacrifices that are required of me right now, day after day. I know my perspective is skewed. And while I can still choose to obey, the heartache and frustration from still wishing things were different, easier, more glamorous and less blah, are wearing me down.
This is where I'm going to take a public leap of faith, say a million prayers, and go to bed each night hoping God does His work.
I am hopeful that if I truly have the same priorities as God, if I can fully gain His insight, and understand what He wants for my life, my heart will eventually come around.
Let's all pray that "eventually" is more like tomorrow, or even next week; the sooner the better!
My head insists on thinking about what my days and my life should look like. I know it's not how God says I should spend my time and thoughts, but it is a challenge getting my mind to stop. I'm overwhelmed but feel like I'm not doing enough. I'm exhausted with my to-do list but it's never close to being done. I go back and forth between wanting to rest and wanting to get the work done, hoping one of those options will enable me to truly be at peace for a bit. But even when I am obeying the best I know how, my mind is still not tracking the way I believe God wants it to.
This month's Call is all about our thought-life. Not just all this "positivity" and "good-vibes" but spending our time focused on what it means to Receive the Mind of Christ. We are called to use our minds for His glory. We are commanded to filter what comes in (Romans 10:4-6). Not only is our mind one of the ways God uses the Holy Spirit to speak to us, but our minds inform our hearts (Proverbs 4:23). And I desperately need my mind to start informing my heart of what is true, honorable, lovely, and more.
The verse I want us to focus on this month really stands out to me. It was actually really challenging to pick just this one because the whole section in 1 Corinthians 2 is truly amazing. Go read it all! For now, think about what is said in verse 12:
"Now we have received not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, that we might understand the things freely given us by God."
Earlier in the chapter, Paul is talking about how we cannot fathom what God has in store for us, and that no one can know the thoughts of God. BUT, and it is a really big BUT, the Holy Spirit searches even the depths of God and then speaks to us. Isn't that amazing? What a gift!
Not only are there riches to fathom in receiving the mind of Christ, but there is wisdom to be had as well. And Proverbs is chock-full of advice about seeking wisdom. We need it, and we need it to come from God. Not just from friends on Instagram, not only from that non-fiction author who mostly talks about biblical stuff, but from God Himself.
I know getting your mind right with God might feel like strange business. I mean, He has to do the work, so what exactly are we supposed to do?
We need to start by making ourselves available. If we are constantly filled with the world, we have left no room for the things of God. If during every free second of our days we turn to social media, email, or communicating with others, we have left no open window for God to come in and communicate with us. We will need to learn to sit, be still, quiet our thoughts and simply listen. We will need to search the scriptures without an agenda. We will need to meditate on what we read and become willing to sit without immediate answers. We will need to stop thinking our thoughts and instead, ask God about His thoughts.
I was kind of dreading this post because I feel like I am doing such a lousy job of this lately, but after writing about all of that slowing down and sitting in silence, it sounds incredibly ideal and brings me refreshing hope. Are you up for it? Will you put your phone down, wait for God to move His Spirit and tell you what He has freely given you?
My book list is quite a bit shorter for this month's Call. I may add some others in a week or so, but since my goal is to sit and let God do the speaking, I want to clear my schedule a bit and stop filling my mind with everything I think is best.
Per the recommendation of my pastor, I am listening to Think: The Life of the Mind and the Love of God by John Piper. I am only about 45 minutes in and am thoroughly encouraged.
I have already read David Mathis' book, Habits of Grace, and listened to it via the app Hoopla twice. I HIGHLY recommend it. It is practical, spiritually deep though, and a great encouragement no matter where you find yourself in your walk with God.
I will also be reading a few chapters in Proverbs each day. I might skirt around and check out other books as I feel lead (especially Ecclesiastes) but I want to really understand the gravity of how important wisdom from God really is and should be to us. I want to want it as bad as Solomon said we need it.
Like I said before, I hope that focusing on what needs to be in my mind and spending time allowing God to work in my thoughts will bring a peace to my heart that I am currently lacking. I need God's perspective on my life and I desire my heart to just play along nice and quit making it so hard. On one hand, I am comforted that even Paul felt like this (Romans 7:15-24), wanting one thing that you know you don't actually want, and doing the things you don't want to do, but I cannot force myself out of this place. I need to set my mind on the Spirit and allow Him to move in my mind, changing the desires of my flesh and bringing me genuine peace.
I'm guessing you need that too, right? Let's work on it together!
I am also hosting a Five Minute Challenge this month, every Monday through Friday on my Instagram (@joellen.armstrong). We'll spend five minutes in silence, allowing God to speak to us. No phone, no journaling, no praying even except for asking God to fill our minds with His mind. I'm excited to see so many women becoming more connected to God and more aware of His working in our lives. Follow me there and let me know you'll join in.
Make sure you also sign up to receive my monthly newsletter here (and get some cool bookmarks while you do) and then join our Facebook group to receive some other freebies and be encouraged.
I'm praying this is a month that makes an impact for all of us. I am asking God to fill my mind with what He desires, with what He wants me to know about Him, about life, about salvation and more. Here are a few questions you can ask yourself to help get your thinking going. Feel free to answer in the comments or write them down to ponder alone. May God bless your efforts in understanding Him better.
What thoughts against myself am I constantly battling?
What do I know about God that can change how I am looking at this difficult, annoying, frustrating, or even tragic situation?
What truths has God given me that I can cling to?
How can I "set my mind on the Spirit" as Paul says in Romans 8?
What personal desires are keeping me from wanting the life God wants me to enjoy living?
If you are wrestling through life, trying to get a handle on everything, please don't hesitate to reach out for prayer. It is a powerful tool and it builds community and encourages authentic relationships. Whether it is me or someone else you know, ask someone to pray for you! You won't regret it.
Thursday, August 17, 2017
More Important than Me.
When political tides loom large, and the Facebook frenzy is intense, I tend to be very selective in what I comment on and like. After all, sometimes it takes a lot of words to fully express my observations, intentions, and the heart behind these black and white letters. And I don't usually have all day to interact back and forth in the online world. No matter, I still want to say something about the events unfolding in our country but I am not a voice that carries a lot of weight in these matters, so I have been hesitant to put my thoughts on paper/computer.
I grew up in a small, isolated, Oregon beach town. I can remember one black male student in High School, a few more Hispanic kids, and a handful Asian students, but the gross majority was white. My college was also mostly white, and while I knew some of this was geographical, much of it is racial. Not because black students were not welcome, but because of the historical events that have altered what is available to who.
Most of why I don't often speak up is because I don't know the entire picture. Living all of my life on the West Coast, as a white woman, in a liberal state has put me far away from the front lines where most of our country's racial prejudice has been battled. I have seen it here and there, and now more so with social media and instantaneous news, but I know it is not the same for me. My dear half-Filipino friend who married a black man has said she sees it far more often now. Comments like "You are pretty smart for a black guy!" or people being surprised at the way he speaks are frustrating to her. It feels minimal to many, but this the small perpetuation of judgement by appearance is part of what keeps us from ridding of racism in our country.
A few things I do know, but I don't know them well, are the ways drug-arrests, housing affordability, and educational opportunity continue to rob much of the black community. Not only because the perception many people have of black people, but also because the cycle of living without fathers, without opportunity, surrounded by many other desperate people unable to get by is incredibly hard to break. The income differences for black employees (which I don't know how much or to what extent still exists) has contributed to this. The "free pass" that many white people have received, and continue to receive, for breaking the law or possessing drugs contributes to this. The placement of former slaves and the segregation our country allowed and enforced continues to affect black people today. It is complicated, sad, terrible, and more. And this is why I have a really difficult time writing anything about it.
I continue to wonder what my role is in all of this turmoil. I can only begin to relate to the terror some feel out in public because of who they are. Only recently have I become more aware of my weaknesses and the way that could make me vulnerable to others, which makes me cautious of every single male I pass on my nearby running trail in broad daylight. I despise assuming the worst, but the risk of being caught off guard could be great. How much more for those who live in neighborhoods where this is their reality every day, from school-age on?
After I began homeschooling my children I started to read a lot more about education in general, both in regards to how children learn and the state of our educational system in America. Paul Tough has some great books about this and seeing how home atmosphere affects the ability to learn and succeed is both enlightening and heart breaking. Even worse, the segregation that cast many black people into specific neighborhoods continues to give the children living there now a meager education and high-risk for life in prison.
My soul gets knotted up trying to understand how my homeschooling can benefit kids who have very little opportunity just several states away. How can what I teach at home make a lasting difference? How can I use what I learn to help the children there? How can I even be involved in all of this sitting at my table, typing on my laptop, in perfect peace on my dead end street?
Sadly, I don't have wonderfully packaged, clearly laid out answers for you. I simply have a few insights I hope challenge the way you think and the way you act. Because honestly, if we thought more about the consequences of our actions, much of the travesty in the history of mankind would be drastically different.
A large piece of this puzzle is what we value. In America, we value Freedom, or so we say. Protests, marches, riots, and disregard for others show we really only value a certain kind of freedom. What we mostly mean by saying others are free to protest, is that you are only free to protest things that are right and good. Since most people do not agree on what is right and good, this gets sticky. I don't know all the details of how everything unfolded in Charlottesville, but I will never understand how a statue can mean more than the hearts and safety of others. I don't know enough about General Lee or the history of that statue to know why it was important to many, but I know having a statue that brings shame to others is not worth keeping. And living out here in Oregon, even though I consider myself a conservation Christian, I cannot understand why someone would want to honor a statue that represents to many the hurtful past of slavery and war.
Are you seeing why this is hard for me to write about?
There is one thing that constantly comes to mind in all of this political, social, and emotional chaos: "...count others more significant than yourselves." (Philippians 2:3b)
Jesus considered our eternity more significant than remaining with God. He left his role to take on ours, to take our travesty, our consequences upon himself. As Christians, we are called to the same life. Not to be killed for others necessarily, but to willingly suffer and serve on behalf of others. To value what other people need more than what we think we need. Can we honestly say we do this on a regular basis? You may not think you need to live this way, or maybe you think doing this all the time seems extreme, but I would venture to say our country's long history or serving self is biting us in the butt.
We are selfish, and we strive to make ourselves known. We want others to know exactly how we feel or exactly what we think. I do it too! Look at me, blogging, writing, posting, and expressing myself. I am guilty of the selfish ambition Jesus hates. I need to stop, we all need to stop, and it will benefit our country more than we realize. If every single person in that protest stopped and thought about what was best for their black neighbor, could they have honestly marched on in their fierce determination? If the Nazi's stopped to think about what was best for their Jewish neighbor, would they have continued to serve their country's military?
Sadly, when it comes to kill or be killed, many people opt for saving themselves. Heck, even if it comes to giving 15 minutes for a friend or taking 15 minutes for ourselves, we opt for the route of self. Are you seeing this? How can we expect to change our country for good, to be willing to serve the underprivileged, the cast-out, the condemned or discriminated, if we cannot even serve the people living in our house. How many times a day do we really give up something we think we need in order to give to someone else? I have a hard time giving up a place in line at Target, or a parking spot at the Nike Employee store. We cannot expect to find the willingness to change our world without knowing it will cost us the pursuit of self.
Take some time to think and pray over this. Consider what we take for ourselves and what it costs other people. You cannot expect to serve the greater good of the world and serve yourself as well. At some point, you will have to choose one or the other. I am convicted about how much of my life revolves around choosing myself over my neighbors, my family, and my friends. It shouldn't matter what they believe or what color their skin is. If I value others more than myself, I am revealing what I believe.
I believe God creates each person purposefully, specifically, and with great love.
I believe God wants everyone to know Him personally, deeply, and desires for them to live with Him forever.
Jesus is that way. It's not just what I believe, it's what God said, what He ordained, and what He proved.
If I follow Him, I cannot continue to serve self.
In all of this, I absolutely have to trust God with my care, my needs, my eternity. Anything I give up here on earth in order to give to others will be the silliest sacrifice I could imagine. What we gain by serving Christ is greater. If that does not motivate me to serve, it's because I don't know it, because I don't really believe it to be the truth I claim it is.
So in all of this American angst, what will you serve? An ideal? A political party? A religion? A particular way of life? Or will you serve God? Will you serve the other people in your day to day life? Courage for radical service will only come by knowing the value that service contains. As Christians, we know our value lies in eternity with God, and nothing we can gain in this world is worth losing that. So serve in confidence. Know your sacrifice is not in vain. Each small step will lead you closer to changing the world, but it will only change if you start right now. Don't wait until life gives you the opportunity you think you need. If you have kids, co-workers, family or friends, you have all the opportunity you need. If you see other people ever, you have opportunity to change the world around you for the better.
Take each opportunity and consider those you meet, those you know, those you encounter every day, as more important than your selfish desires. This is the mind of Christ. This is what our world needs.
*If you have friends, family, or connections with people who need tangible help on the front lines of these racial battles, ask them how to help, ask them to put you to work. I'm sure there is more we can all be doing. Serve others, be humble, and just start where you are.
I grew up in a small, isolated, Oregon beach town. I can remember one black male student in High School, a few more Hispanic kids, and a handful Asian students, but the gross majority was white. My college was also mostly white, and while I knew some of this was geographical, much of it is racial. Not because black students were not welcome, but because of the historical events that have altered what is available to who.
Most of why I don't often speak up is because I don't know the entire picture. Living all of my life on the West Coast, as a white woman, in a liberal state has put me far away from the front lines where most of our country's racial prejudice has been battled. I have seen it here and there, and now more so with social media and instantaneous news, but I know it is not the same for me. My dear half-Filipino friend who married a black man has said she sees it far more often now. Comments like "You are pretty smart for a black guy!" or people being surprised at the way he speaks are frustrating to her. It feels minimal to many, but this the small perpetuation of judgement by appearance is part of what keeps us from ridding of racism in our country.
A few things I do know, but I don't know them well, are the ways drug-arrests, housing affordability, and educational opportunity continue to rob much of the black community. Not only because the perception many people have of black people, but also because the cycle of living without fathers, without opportunity, surrounded by many other desperate people unable to get by is incredibly hard to break. The income differences for black employees (which I don't know how much or to what extent still exists) has contributed to this. The "free pass" that many white people have received, and continue to receive, for breaking the law or possessing drugs contributes to this. The placement of former slaves and the segregation our country allowed and enforced continues to affect black people today. It is complicated, sad, terrible, and more. And this is why I have a really difficult time writing anything about it.
I continue to wonder what my role is in all of this turmoil. I can only begin to relate to the terror some feel out in public because of who they are. Only recently have I become more aware of my weaknesses and the way that could make me vulnerable to others, which makes me cautious of every single male I pass on my nearby running trail in broad daylight. I despise assuming the worst, but the risk of being caught off guard could be great. How much more for those who live in neighborhoods where this is their reality every day, from school-age on?
After I began homeschooling my children I started to read a lot more about education in general, both in regards to how children learn and the state of our educational system in America. Paul Tough has some great books about this and seeing how home atmosphere affects the ability to learn and succeed is both enlightening and heart breaking. Even worse, the segregation that cast many black people into specific neighborhoods continues to give the children living there now a meager education and high-risk for life in prison.
My soul gets knotted up trying to understand how my homeschooling can benefit kids who have very little opportunity just several states away. How can what I teach at home make a lasting difference? How can I use what I learn to help the children there? How can I even be involved in all of this sitting at my table, typing on my laptop, in perfect peace on my dead end street?
Sadly, I don't have wonderfully packaged, clearly laid out answers for you. I simply have a few insights I hope challenge the way you think and the way you act. Because honestly, if we thought more about the consequences of our actions, much of the travesty in the history of mankind would be drastically different.
A large piece of this puzzle is what we value. In America, we value Freedom, or so we say. Protests, marches, riots, and disregard for others show we really only value a certain kind of freedom. What we mostly mean by saying others are free to protest, is that you are only free to protest things that are right and good. Since most people do not agree on what is right and good, this gets sticky. I don't know all the details of how everything unfolded in Charlottesville, but I will never understand how a statue can mean more than the hearts and safety of others. I don't know enough about General Lee or the history of that statue to know why it was important to many, but I know having a statue that brings shame to others is not worth keeping. And living out here in Oregon, even though I consider myself a conservation Christian, I cannot understand why someone would want to honor a statue that represents to many the hurtful past of slavery and war.
Are you seeing why this is hard for me to write about?
There is one thing that constantly comes to mind in all of this political, social, and emotional chaos: "...count others more significant than yourselves." (Philippians 2:3b)
Jesus considered our eternity more significant than remaining with God. He left his role to take on ours, to take our travesty, our consequences upon himself. As Christians, we are called to the same life. Not to be killed for others necessarily, but to willingly suffer and serve on behalf of others. To value what other people need more than what we think we need. Can we honestly say we do this on a regular basis? You may not think you need to live this way, or maybe you think doing this all the time seems extreme, but I would venture to say our country's long history or serving self is biting us in the butt.
We are selfish, and we strive to make ourselves known. We want others to know exactly how we feel or exactly what we think. I do it too! Look at me, blogging, writing, posting, and expressing myself. I am guilty of the selfish ambition Jesus hates. I need to stop, we all need to stop, and it will benefit our country more than we realize. If every single person in that protest stopped and thought about what was best for their black neighbor, could they have honestly marched on in their fierce determination? If the Nazi's stopped to think about what was best for their Jewish neighbor, would they have continued to serve their country's military?
Sadly, when it comes to kill or be killed, many people opt for saving themselves. Heck, even if it comes to giving 15 minutes for a friend or taking 15 minutes for ourselves, we opt for the route of self. Are you seeing this? How can we expect to change our country for good, to be willing to serve the underprivileged, the cast-out, the condemned or discriminated, if we cannot even serve the people living in our house. How many times a day do we really give up something we think we need in order to give to someone else? I have a hard time giving up a place in line at Target, or a parking spot at the Nike Employee store. We cannot expect to find the willingness to change our world without knowing it will cost us the pursuit of self.
Take some time to think and pray over this. Consider what we take for ourselves and what it costs other people. You cannot expect to serve the greater good of the world and serve yourself as well. At some point, you will have to choose one or the other. I am convicted about how much of my life revolves around choosing myself over my neighbors, my family, and my friends. It shouldn't matter what they believe or what color their skin is. If I value others more than myself, I am revealing what I believe.
I believe God creates each person purposefully, specifically, and with great love.
I believe God wants everyone to know Him personally, deeply, and desires for them to live with Him forever.
Jesus is that way. It's not just what I believe, it's what God said, what He ordained, and what He proved.
If I follow Him, I cannot continue to serve self.
In all of this, I absolutely have to trust God with my care, my needs, my eternity. Anything I give up here on earth in order to give to others will be the silliest sacrifice I could imagine. What we gain by serving Christ is greater. If that does not motivate me to serve, it's because I don't know it, because I don't really believe it to be the truth I claim it is.
So in all of this American angst, what will you serve? An ideal? A political party? A religion? A particular way of life? Or will you serve God? Will you serve the other people in your day to day life? Courage for radical service will only come by knowing the value that service contains. As Christians, we know our value lies in eternity with God, and nothing we can gain in this world is worth losing that. So serve in confidence. Know your sacrifice is not in vain. Each small step will lead you closer to changing the world, but it will only change if you start right now. Don't wait until life gives you the opportunity you think you need. If you have kids, co-workers, family or friends, you have all the opportunity you need. If you see other people ever, you have opportunity to change the world around you for the better.
Take each opportunity and consider those you meet, those you know, those you encounter every day, as more important than your selfish desires. This is the mind of Christ. This is what our world needs.
*If you have friends, family, or connections with people who need tangible help on the front lines of these racial battles, ask them how to help, ask them to put you to work. I'm sure there is more we can all be doing. Serve others, be humble, and just start where you are.
Thursday, March 16, 2017
Learning to Love the Challenge of Growing.
If you remember a while ago, I posted a little about myself and my struggle with certain strengths and desires here. I listed my top five strengths according to the survey in Now, Discover Your Strengths tried to better explain my constant desire to finish well, to do my best, and achieve the greatest possible outcome I can control. As I seem to be given many opportunities to grow in my areas of weakness, lately I have been inspired to see how I can use my strengths in ways that don't seem so obvious at first. These strengths are things I've known about for over 15 years now but I have rarely looked at them objectively, seeking to leverage them in order to fulfill a purpose or achieve a goal - despite being an achiever! Ha! But lately, I've been intentionally embracing these parts of myself and trying to enjoy them, to let them be a blessing to others, even if the opportunity to use them is less than pleasant, and grow into them as much as I can.
I've often been told I am energetic, passionate, and that my excitement over something rubs off on other people. But let me tell you, I hardly ever feel like that energized person for more than moments at a time. This really got to me the last couple years, as more and more strangers would talk about how I inspired them or encouraged them in their learning, or their ambitions, and I would feel a little bit dumbfounded. I tried really hard not to look confused, but that is definitely how I felt.
Days after a big event, or after and meeting where I got to talk about a subject I love, I'd often crash emotionally and wonder if I was being something other than my genuine self in those settings. It wasn't until after SheSpeaks last year that I began to connect the dots about this mystery in my life. With each passing month I am gaining more clarity about myself, my role, my choices, and see the different modes in which I operate. It wasn't that I was not being genuine during those times, but rather than much of my life does not include room for my natural strengths to be used, at least, not in the ways I envisioned, not in the ways that easily rejuvenate me.
How does one "achieve" as a SAHM without making herself overly proud of the role she is in? Plus, I'm bad at cleaning, so my daily list of accomplishments is rarely something to boast about. How does a SAHM feel good about the progress of her projects at home or the things she got started when it's very taboo to brag about home-life and homeschooling your children? I definitely think that is not the way to go, and it would just build walls. How could I possibly Win Others Over or win at anything important when I often prefer to stay home and read a book? Yeah, it definitely does not feel like a lot of winning on those days. Are you seeing how I was feeling? So many of my strengths are not ideal for being a homeschool mom.
For long bouts, I let this defeat me. I succumbed to the idea that a good homeschool mom makes everything from scratch, is 100 percent content to sacrifice most of her time for her kids, or is a patient, soft-spoken, morning person. If I met another woman who didn't struggle with the desire to accomplish something important, I automatically assumed she was better than me, or that something was terribly amiss in my heart. Women can be like this, as I'm sure you know. We analyze ourselves by comparison, it just comes naturally. But we need to start analyzing ourselves by God's standards.
Several things will happen when we do this.
We will be more humble. When we see that we can never live up to the level of perfection and love that God calls us to, we will receive His grace much more willingly and happily.
We will love other women without judgment... or at least less. We will recognize their flaws as innate, not purposeful or impossible to overcome and we will be quick to forgive and overlook offenses. We will desire to see good things in them, to know them better and be real with them more regularly.
We will be free from our own judgements. We will see that God has made us in particular ways for particular purposes, and different seasons of our lives will grow us in different ways. This will enable us to embrace difficult seasons, knowing they are not the only season we will have in life. We will not be fearful of enduring hardship, because we trust it will end in due time and will have its desired effect.
According to God's word, He is preparing me for good works, according to His purposes (Ephesians 2:10). A long season of sacrificing in ways that are not natural, or even desirable, is preparing me for different hard seasons, which may feel easier after having endured those other hard seasons. I will be stronger because of them, or at least, more willing to endure, because I know there will be another spring at the end of each desolate winter.
While I truly love homeschooling and being home with my kids, I see this season not as the pinnacle of my life, but as a season of preparation and opportunity. Part of the great opportunity lies in being the primary person my children turn to for help. They have come to trust me, to see me as the first person they can come to for whatever need they have. What a blessing that is! Another part of this opportunity is the chance to grow in ways that are uncomfortable in the comfort of my home. I stink at serving, I am often a lousy house-wife, and usually pretty bad at being tidy. But, I'm not called out publicly on these things (unless you count admitting this all to you). I can work on these in private and avoid being shamed in front other others. I can get help from people who love me as needed, and my job is not at stake because of my failures.
The preparation aspect of my role at home is a little harder to remember on difficult days. I have many interruptions throughout my day, a lot of people asking me questions, and so many demands placed upon me, both from myself and from others, that I am forced to be more organized and more intentional. But somehow, I still end up getting sidetracked, becoming distracted by other people's success or by my own misery (yes, that's a little dramatic, but I'm just trying to be honest here). I forget to trust the Lord and work with His plans instead of dwelling on my own. When I put my heart into my "work", no matter what that looks like on each particular day, I can trust this work has a good purpose, one God has set in motion to accumulate and build and grow into another purpose He has for me down the road. When I despise this work of being steady, patient, service-minded, and giving, I miss out on being ready for the other works He is setting on my path. They get delayed, or maybe I'm simply less prepared when I finally catch up to them, and there are few things I hate more than not being prepared for something important!
I hope you are catching my drift in all of this rambling. Our strengths are not always used in all the seasons of our lives, but we can find ways to grow no matter the situations we find ourselves in. I am practicing my strength of Winning Others Over by trying to Win my children's hearts and minds over to the Lord's purposes. I try to use my strength of being an avid Learner to show to beauty of learning to those I encounter, young and old alike, and homeschooling really does afford me great opportunity in this certain strength. While my strength of being an Activator is hard when often stranded at home with obligations other than the tasks I'd like to accomplish, I can work on getting the kids started on their tasks, investing in their needs and goals, finding contentment in God's purpose behind being home, not just in my own goals or personal endeavors.
Most of all, I really want you to see how your strengths can still be used in situations that are not what you had planned, or even what seem fitting. No matter where you find yourself, you can use your God-ordained gifts to grow, bless, and be content, despite every single challenge you encounter. When you look back at these seasons of difficulty, you will smile seeing all the ways you grew, all the ways God prepared you for the situation you are currently facing, and know that once again, you will grow, learn, and be fully capable to walk in the truth.
I've often been told I am energetic, passionate, and that my excitement over something rubs off on other people. But let me tell you, I hardly ever feel like that energized person for more than moments at a time. This really got to me the last couple years, as more and more strangers would talk about how I inspired them or encouraged them in their learning, or their ambitions, and I would feel a little bit dumbfounded. I tried really hard not to look confused, but that is definitely how I felt.
Days after a big event, or after and meeting where I got to talk about a subject I love, I'd often crash emotionally and wonder if I was being something other than my genuine self in those settings. It wasn't until after SheSpeaks last year that I began to connect the dots about this mystery in my life. With each passing month I am gaining more clarity about myself, my role, my choices, and see the different modes in which I operate. It wasn't that I was not being genuine during those times, but rather than much of my life does not include room for my natural strengths to be used, at least, not in the ways I envisioned, not in the ways that easily rejuvenate me.
How does one "achieve" as a SAHM without making herself overly proud of the role she is in? Plus, I'm bad at cleaning, so my daily list of accomplishments is rarely something to boast about. How does a SAHM feel good about the progress of her projects at home or the things she got started when it's very taboo to brag about home-life and homeschooling your children? I definitely think that is not the way to go, and it would just build walls. How could I possibly Win Others Over or win at anything important when I often prefer to stay home and read a book? Yeah, it definitely does not feel like a lot of winning on those days. Are you seeing how I was feeling? So many of my strengths are not ideal for being a homeschool mom.
For long bouts, I let this defeat me. I succumbed to the idea that a good homeschool mom makes everything from scratch, is 100 percent content to sacrifice most of her time for her kids, or is a patient, soft-spoken, morning person. If I met another woman who didn't struggle with the desire to accomplish something important, I automatically assumed she was better than me, or that something was terribly amiss in my heart. Women can be like this, as I'm sure you know. We analyze ourselves by comparison, it just comes naturally. But we need to start analyzing ourselves by God's standards.
Several things will happen when we do this.
We will be more humble. When we see that we can never live up to the level of perfection and love that God calls us to, we will receive His grace much more willingly and happily.
We will love other women without judgment... or at least less. We will recognize their flaws as innate, not purposeful or impossible to overcome and we will be quick to forgive and overlook offenses. We will desire to see good things in them, to know them better and be real with them more regularly.
We will be free from our own judgements. We will see that God has made us in particular ways for particular purposes, and different seasons of our lives will grow us in different ways. This will enable us to embrace difficult seasons, knowing they are not the only season we will have in life. We will not be fearful of enduring hardship, because we trust it will end in due time and will have its desired effect.
According to God's word, He is preparing me for good works, according to His purposes (Ephesians 2:10). A long season of sacrificing in ways that are not natural, or even desirable, is preparing me for different hard seasons, which may feel easier after having endured those other hard seasons. I will be stronger because of them, or at least, more willing to endure, because I know there will be another spring at the end of each desolate winter.
While I truly love homeschooling and being home with my kids, I see this season not as the pinnacle of my life, but as a season of preparation and opportunity. Part of the great opportunity lies in being the primary person my children turn to for help. They have come to trust me, to see me as the first person they can come to for whatever need they have. What a blessing that is! Another part of this opportunity is the chance to grow in ways that are uncomfortable in the comfort of my home. I stink at serving, I am often a lousy house-wife, and usually pretty bad at being tidy. But, I'm not called out publicly on these things (unless you count admitting this all to you). I can work on these in private and avoid being shamed in front other others. I can get help from people who love me as needed, and my job is not at stake because of my failures.
The preparation aspect of my role at home is a little harder to remember on difficult days. I have many interruptions throughout my day, a lot of people asking me questions, and so many demands placed upon me, both from myself and from others, that I am forced to be more organized and more intentional. But somehow, I still end up getting sidetracked, becoming distracted by other people's success or by my own misery (yes, that's a little dramatic, but I'm just trying to be honest here). I forget to trust the Lord and work with His plans instead of dwelling on my own. When I put my heart into my "work", no matter what that looks like on each particular day, I can trust this work has a good purpose, one God has set in motion to accumulate and build and grow into another purpose He has for me down the road. When I despise this work of being steady, patient, service-minded, and giving, I miss out on being ready for the other works He is setting on my path. They get delayed, or maybe I'm simply less prepared when I finally catch up to them, and there are few things I hate more than not being prepared for something important!
I hope you are catching my drift in all of this rambling. Our strengths are not always used in all the seasons of our lives, but we can find ways to grow no matter the situations we find ourselves in. I am practicing my strength of Winning Others Over by trying to Win my children's hearts and minds over to the Lord's purposes. I try to use my strength of being an avid Learner to show to beauty of learning to those I encounter, young and old alike, and homeschooling really does afford me great opportunity in this certain strength. While my strength of being an Activator is hard when often stranded at home with obligations other than the tasks I'd like to accomplish, I can work on getting the kids started on their tasks, investing in their needs and goals, finding contentment in God's purpose behind being home, not just in my own goals or personal endeavors.
Most of all, I really want you to see how your strengths can still be used in situations that are not what you had planned, or even what seem fitting. No matter where you find yourself, you can use your God-ordained gifts to grow, bless, and be content, despite every single challenge you encounter. When you look back at these seasons of difficulty, you will smile seeing all the ways you grew, all the ways God prepared you for the situation you are currently facing, and know that once again, you will grow, learn, and be fully capable to walk in the truth.
Monday, March 6, 2017
On Being and Giving.
Last summer, I read Madeleine L'engle's book A Circle of Quiet per the recommendation of a friend of mine, Angela. She's an avid reader and an excellent writer, so I trusted her recommendation without question. If you remember, I more than loved it. It was indescribable to read pages from a woman's mind that seemed to come from my own, except, said better and with far more life experience and adventure than I feel able to bring. Anyway, I keep coming back to the word Madeleine was fixated on: ontology.
Actually, I don't care much for the word, but I am intrigued by the concept: Being.
I love accomplishing tasks. Big or small, if they get done and I can show evidence of the validity of my accomplishments, I am one happy woman. Not for long though, as there is always more to do, more to prove, more to achieve. But the older I get, the more I want to be loved for who I am, not just for what I do. This is great for the saved, because it isn't our sinful nature that defines us, but our being children of God that determines our worth. And I'm finding my happiness is linked to this difference in thinking too: we are not what we do, but who we are becoming.
This idea keeps popping up in everything I do, all the movies I watch, all the books I read, and many of the interactions I have with my kids. Finding our center, our being, the part of us that God made tick a specific and purposeful way, is going to bring us more peace than any other endeavor on earth. Like it or not, we will not find that peace if our hunt in not centered on God. It is only in Him that we find any purpose worthwhile.
He did not create us so we can glory in ourselves, and a major part of our purpose in being created by God is to have fellowship with Him. Our being brings Him glory, and His glory brings us happiness. It's insanely simple and completely generous.
Consider this. When I look at the ocean, the more I know about it, the more I experience it, the more I see amazing life within it, then the more peace reigns over me while I am there. When I look at flowers, the more familiar they become, the more I can name them accurately, the more I can tell their smells apart, then the more of a joy they are to me. Are you seeing the trend? The more we know the being of something, the more beautiful it is to us. This is true for God, and true for ourselves. The more we know God, the more we enjoy Him. The more we live true to the spark of creativity and potential He put within each of us, the more we are glad to be us. We must always give all credit to God for His amazing design, grace, and purpose, but we have to also recognize the incredible beauty He planted in each of us.
So here are my two pieces of advice to be happy with you, with your particular and original being, and I do not give these independent from knowing God - that is the first must!
1. Look at yourself less. I know, it seems weird to love yourself more by looking at yourself less, but it really is true. The more you focus on what you are now, the less time and energy you have to become the person God is shaping you to be - wonderful, perfectly formed, and a blessing to others. Stop looking in the mirror so much, stop thinking about what you could have done, and stop wishing to be something other than the current version of yourself.
2. Give kindness. It's the best way to be the best you. Recently, I read a snippet about how trying to please others doesn't actually please them, but being a happy and pleasant person to be around is what actually pleases other people. If we think more about smiling at our children, paying attention to the needs of others, and being gentle towards those we encounter, the joy we spread will outnumber the stars and cause us to be more in line with the purposes God has for us. You won't feel deprived of self-care, but you will be blessed by spreading love so generously, by having God's Spirit moving through you.
That seems really easy, completely over-the-top dumbed down. Maybe it is, but I know it works. When I smiled and waved at my daughter on her bike the other day, her surprise quickly turned to joy in both of our hearts. When I encouraged my son to do the same thing on her next trip around the sport-court, we tripled the joy between us. We all became a little more us, a little more the way God wants us to be: giving, joyful, purposeful, pleasant.
As the joy quickly turned to the grumps in our house, I reminded my son "It doesn't matter what you get in this life, it's what you give that makes the difference". It's also what makes you specifically you. What you give to others is part of the intentional design of our creator. The ocean gives awe, flowers give cheer, clouds give rain and inspiration, and those qualities, along with thousands of others, are what make each of these creations uniquely divine. So it is with us.
What you give is forming you every day, both in your own being and in your being towards others. If you want to be happy with who you are, or content with what is going on in your life, think less about you and think more about what you can give. It's the upside-down way to peace, and it was God's upside-down way to redemption as well, in giving us His Son. My prayer is that my life will lead you to aim high in enjoying your giving, whatever that looks like for you. Giving up vices, or giving up time, giving up bad attitudes, or giving away your cash. What we give says more about who we are than our words can ever articulate. You were made to give life, and God empowers us to give more than we can imagine, even more than exists within us. That is the biggest blessing in our giving - feeling the movement of God in our lives. Enjoy becoming who you are meant to be by loving the act of giving. It does not lead to loss, but to the greatest abundance you can imagine, and more.
Actually, I don't care much for the word, but I am intrigued by the concept: Being.
I love accomplishing tasks. Big or small, if they get done and I can show evidence of the validity of my accomplishments, I am one happy woman. Not for long though, as there is always more to do, more to prove, more to achieve. But the older I get, the more I want to be loved for who I am, not just for what I do. This is great for the saved, because it isn't our sinful nature that defines us, but our being children of God that determines our worth. And I'm finding my happiness is linked to this difference in thinking too: we are not what we do, but who we are becoming.
This idea keeps popping up in everything I do, all the movies I watch, all the books I read, and many of the interactions I have with my kids. Finding our center, our being, the part of us that God made tick a specific and purposeful way, is going to bring us more peace than any other endeavor on earth. Like it or not, we will not find that peace if our hunt in not centered on God. It is only in Him that we find any purpose worthwhile.
He did not create us so we can glory in ourselves, and a major part of our purpose in being created by God is to have fellowship with Him. Our being brings Him glory, and His glory brings us happiness. It's insanely simple and completely generous.
Consider this. When I look at the ocean, the more I know about it, the more I experience it, the more I see amazing life within it, then the more peace reigns over me while I am there. When I look at flowers, the more familiar they become, the more I can name them accurately, the more I can tell their smells apart, then the more of a joy they are to me. Are you seeing the trend? The more we know the being of something, the more beautiful it is to us. This is true for God, and true for ourselves. The more we know God, the more we enjoy Him. The more we live true to the spark of creativity and potential He put within each of us, the more we are glad to be us. We must always give all credit to God for His amazing design, grace, and purpose, but we have to also recognize the incredible beauty He planted in each of us.
So here are my two pieces of advice to be happy with you, with your particular and original being, and I do not give these independent from knowing God - that is the first must!
1. Look at yourself less. I know, it seems weird to love yourself more by looking at yourself less, but it really is true. The more you focus on what you are now, the less time and energy you have to become the person God is shaping you to be - wonderful, perfectly formed, and a blessing to others. Stop looking in the mirror so much, stop thinking about what you could have done, and stop wishing to be something other than the current version of yourself.
2. Give kindness. It's the best way to be the best you. Recently, I read a snippet about how trying to please others doesn't actually please them, but being a happy and pleasant person to be around is what actually pleases other people. If we think more about smiling at our children, paying attention to the needs of others, and being gentle towards those we encounter, the joy we spread will outnumber the stars and cause us to be more in line with the purposes God has for us. You won't feel deprived of self-care, but you will be blessed by spreading love so generously, by having God's Spirit moving through you.
That seems really easy, completely over-the-top dumbed down. Maybe it is, but I know it works. When I smiled and waved at my daughter on her bike the other day, her surprise quickly turned to joy in both of our hearts. When I encouraged my son to do the same thing on her next trip around the sport-court, we tripled the joy between us. We all became a little more us, a little more the way God wants us to be: giving, joyful, purposeful, pleasant.
As the joy quickly turned to the grumps in our house, I reminded my son "It doesn't matter what you get in this life, it's what you give that makes the difference". It's also what makes you specifically you. What you give to others is part of the intentional design of our creator. The ocean gives awe, flowers give cheer, clouds give rain and inspiration, and those qualities, along with thousands of others, are what make each of these creations uniquely divine. So it is with us.
What you give is forming you every day, both in your own being and in your being towards others. If you want to be happy with who you are, or content with what is going on in your life, think less about you and think more about what you can give. It's the upside-down way to peace, and it was God's upside-down way to redemption as well, in giving us His Son. My prayer is that my life will lead you to aim high in enjoying your giving, whatever that looks like for you. Giving up vices, or giving up time, giving up bad attitudes, or giving away your cash. What we give says more about who we are than our words can ever articulate. You were made to give life, and God empowers us to give more than we can imagine, even more than exists within us. That is the biggest blessing in our giving - feeling the movement of God in our lives. Enjoy becoming who you are meant to be by loving the act of giving. It does not lead to loss, but to the greatest abundance you can imagine, and more.
Wednesday, November 2, 2016
When You Would.
Would has been the most difficult of these three words to wrap my mind around. While should and could definitely haunt me from time to time, would is often my fallback, the word easiest to use when I am feeling a little guilty over things in life I haven't done, events I have not participated in, or ambitions I left lying in the past.
When I first started playing around with the idea of blogging about these three words, my husband and I also started brainstorming a bit about a book. We even came up with a byline! Should, Could and Would: Learning to Live Free from Obligation, Regret, and Excuses. Sounds awesome, right? I want to live that way... until something hard comes up, and I'd rather find a really good reason to not participate, to spend my energy on myself, or do something else that seems more beneficial.
Diving right in here, take a minute to think about the full sentences you use with would.
I would have come to your event...
I would have brought them a meal...
I would have pursued that career...
In my life, would usually precedes the word but, and it's often used with an excuse. Don't get me wrong, sometimes your excuse might actually be a legitimate reason, but if you are using would regularly, there are probably some unresolved issues lingering in your heart and mind.
What I am seeing more clearly about would is helping me feel more grounded in my decisions. I have to come full circle again when I am wrestling with would and ask myself several questions to reach the heart of the issue. Did I really want to? Was I actually able to? Can I do something about it now?
For instance, your friend has a family crisis and someone sets up a meal-schedule to help them out. It's a crazy week for you and you end up missing out on being a meal-bearer that week. Before anyone questions your lack of participation, you are making excuses and giving reasons in your mind, and while it's all very understandable and legitimate, you are still struggling with guilt. Here is one way I've found to get my heart and mind to a better place.
Did I really want to bring them a meal? Yes.
Was I able to bring them a meal? No. (insert the fact that many women might struggle with feeling guilty over it at this point)
Can I do something about it now? Yes!
If you are feeling torn up about what you were unable to do, take action now! It's never too late to call, email, or text and tell your friend you were unable to help a week or so ago, but are ready to help now. In fact, many people facing sudden crisis actually feel a bit lost and forgotten weeks after an incident, so a two-week-late response might be the timeliest act of love.
Let's use another example. If you are feeling would poking and prodding you about a missed opportunity, these questions can help you analyze if that opportunity is really gone forever or is as important as you think. For instance, I go through seasons of struggling with regret over not cultivating the artistic side of my life, specifically, learning how to paint. I took classes throughout my schooling years, but never did much beyond that. I long to do it, but somehow I just never seem to make it happen. So, I ask...
Do I really want to pursue being a painter? Maybe. I think so, someday?
Was I able to pursue it at one point? Yes.
Can I do something about it now? Yes!
I may not have the same opportunity as before, but answering these questions helps me see how much of a priority this really is, similar to the way we handled should.
What has really bothers me about dealing with would is the fact that I have to face the realities of my own laziness. Many of the things I feel frustrated about when I'm using the word would are things I kind of want, but not enough to do the hard work required. It's difficult to be that honest with myself, and I'm not exactly sure how to deal with these realities. Some pursuits are shallow, born out of a fleeting desire to find fame or fortune (more or less) and it's easy to see why they die on the side of the road. But other pursuits that are more worthwhile, endeavors I find good reasons to work toward, still find themselves being passed by because I am too lazy, too busy, or too tired to move forward with them.
Would is where I find myself at genuine crossroads. It's time to decide, to move forward, and to take action toward the goals I want to pursue. To be done with would is to make a choice and follow through. Would is where I feel paralyzed, afraid, and wondering if what I am doing is making any sense to the One who designed me. The only way I can move past these anxieties and unknown troubles is to trust in God's plan completely.
In order to take take action on the things we sit and think about, we have to know what we are doing is good and right. We have to trust that God uses even our mistakes and problems to eventually bring glory to Himself and allow us to know Him more deeply. Instead of simply thinking about what we would do, we need to consider what God desires. We can ask ourselves if pursuing specific endeavors are a pursuit of God or a pursuit of self. We can stop looking at what we would have done and instead look toward what we are able to do, seeking His will instead of our own. Then we have to get going. There's no getting around that - trust me, I'm an expert at planning, planning, planning, then avoiding, forgetting, and missing out, and it is not the better option.
As I make more and more effort to stop living with should, could, and would pestering me, I am finding more parts of myself I don't exactly like, or habits that are kind of shameful. But if I can turn all these shoulds, coulds, and woulds into reasons to look for God's will in my life, I receive His peace, His forgiveness, and His power to live free from obligation, guilt, and regret. I'm no longer looking to justify my actions, but seeing His glorious plans unfold in my life and the lives of those around me. The less amazing parts of me are shadowed by God's goodness showing up in unexpected places and I can see the progress He's made in perfecting me slowly.
This is what it means to get rid of should, could, and would. We take our eyes off ourselves, our plans, our abilities, and seek out the Creator.
What do I want? To know God and make Him known.
Can I do that? Only by His power.
Will I do that? Only by His faithful grace.
He promises we have all we need to walk uprightly, according to His will. Take Him up on that offer, dare Him to change and move you. I won't lie, it will be painful to rid of your fleshly desires and trade them for God's plans, but when you find yourself facing the day you were made for, the day you enter eternity, it will definitely have been worthwhile.
I hope these posts have been a good mix of practical and philosophical. It's important to think about the way we act, make decisions, and think, but it's also important to get to the actual doing. If you have any encouragement, questions, feedback, or other insights, I'd love to hear them! Feel free to comment here or email me directly. Maybe someday, I can sort this out enough for a book, but for now I pray that these posts are a small blessing to encourage you in your daily striving. Thanks for sticking with me and being patient :)
When I first started playing around with the idea of blogging about these three words, my husband and I also started brainstorming a bit about a book. We even came up with a byline! Should, Could and Would: Learning to Live Free from Obligation, Regret, and Excuses. Sounds awesome, right? I want to live that way... until something hard comes up, and I'd rather find a really good reason to not participate, to spend my energy on myself, or do something else that seems more beneficial.
Diving right in here, take a minute to think about the full sentences you use with would.
I would have come to your event...
I would have brought them a meal...
I would have pursued that career...
In my life, would usually precedes the word but, and it's often used with an excuse. Don't get me wrong, sometimes your excuse might actually be a legitimate reason, but if you are using would regularly, there are probably some unresolved issues lingering in your heart and mind.
What I am seeing more clearly about would is helping me feel more grounded in my decisions. I have to come full circle again when I am wrestling with would and ask myself several questions to reach the heart of the issue. Did I really want to? Was I actually able to? Can I do something about it now?
For instance, your friend has a family crisis and someone sets up a meal-schedule to help them out. It's a crazy week for you and you end up missing out on being a meal-bearer that week. Before anyone questions your lack of participation, you are making excuses and giving reasons in your mind, and while it's all very understandable and legitimate, you are still struggling with guilt. Here is one way I've found to get my heart and mind to a better place.
Did I really want to bring them a meal? Yes.
Was I able to bring them a meal? No. (insert the fact that many women might struggle with feeling guilty over it at this point)
Can I do something about it now? Yes!
If you are feeling torn up about what you were unable to do, take action now! It's never too late to call, email, or text and tell your friend you were unable to help a week or so ago, but are ready to help now. In fact, many people facing sudden crisis actually feel a bit lost and forgotten weeks after an incident, so a two-week-late response might be the timeliest act of love.
Let's use another example. If you are feeling would poking and prodding you about a missed opportunity, these questions can help you analyze if that opportunity is really gone forever or is as important as you think. For instance, I go through seasons of struggling with regret over not cultivating the artistic side of my life, specifically, learning how to paint. I took classes throughout my schooling years, but never did much beyond that. I long to do it, but somehow I just never seem to make it happen. So, I ask...
Do I really want to pursue being a painter? Maybe. I think so, someday?
Was I able to pursue it at one point? Yes.
Can I do something about it now? Yes!
I may not have the same opportunity as before, but answering these questions helps me see how much of a priority this really is, similar to the way we handled should.
What has really bothers me about dealing with would is the fact that I have to face the realities of my own laziness. Many of the things I feel frustrated about when I'm using the word would are things I kind of want, but not enough to do the hard work required. It's difficult to be that honest with myself, and I'm not exactly sure how to deal with these realities. Some pursuits are shallow, born out of a fleeting desire to find fame or fortune (more or less) and it's easy to see why they die on the side of the road. But other pursuits that are more worthwhile, endeavors I find good reasons to work toward, still find themselves being passed by because I am too lazy, too busy, or too tired to move forward with them.
Would is where I find myself at genuine crossroads. It's time to decide, to move forward, and to take action toward the goals I want to pursue. To be done with would is to make a choice and follow through. Would is where I feel paralyzed, afraid, and wondering if what I am doing is making any sense to the One who designed me. The only way I can move past these anxieties and unknown troubles is to trust in God's plan completely.
In order to take take action on the things we sit and think about, we have to know what we are doing is good and right. We have to trust that God uses even our mistakes and problems to eventually bring glory to Himself and allow us to know Him more deeply. Instead of simply thinking about what we would do, we need to consider what God desires. We can ask ourselves if pursuing specific endeavors are a pursuit of God or a pursuit of self. We can stop looking at what we would have done and instead look toward what we are able to do, seeking His will instead of our own. Then we have to get going. There's no getting around that - trust me, I'm an expert at planning, planning, planning, then avoiding, forgetting, and missing out, and it is not the better option.
As I make more and more effort to stop living with should, could, and would pestering me, I am finding more parts of myself I don't exactly like, or habits that are kind of shameful. But if I can turn all these shoulds, coulds, and woulds into reasons to look for God's will in my life, I receive His peace, His forgiveness, and His power to live free from obligation, guilt, and regret. I'm no longer looking to justify my actions, but seeing His glorious plans unfold in my life and the lives of those around me. The less amazing parts of me are shadowed by God's goodness showing up in unexpected places and I can see the progress He's made in perfecting me slowly.
This is what it means to get rid of should, could, and would. We take our eyes off ourselves, our plans, our abilities, and seek out the Creator.
What do I want? To know God and make Him known.
Can I do that? Only by His power.
Will I do that? Only by His faithful grace.
He promises we have all we need to walk uprightly, according to His will. Take Him up on that offer, dare Him to change and move you. I won't lie, it will be painful to rid of your fleshly desires and trade them for God's plans, but when you find yourself facing the day you were made for, the day you enter eternity, it will definitely have been worthwhile.
I hope these posts have been a good mix of practical and philosophical. It's important to think about the way we act, make decisions, and think, but it's also important to get to the actual doing. If you have any encouragement, questions, feedback, or other insights, I'd love to hear them! Feel free to comment here or email me directly. Maybe someday, I can sort this out enough for a book, but for now I pray that these posts are a small blessing to encourage you in your daily striving. Thanks for sticking with me and being patient :)
Wednesday, October 5, 2016
Let That Be Enough.
It's been a weird few weeks in my head. Moving has taken a greater toll on my disposition than I expected; that and getting thrown into the boys' sports routines, starting up schooling again, and still trying to unpack while staying on top of laundry... the list never ends, and mouths are always hungry, or so it seems.
I've been trying to nail down exactly why I am so out of sorts. I know new adventures can throw a kink in life, and leaving places I love has been difficult too, but over the last several weeks I've felt this internal grasping for something I can't quite put into words. The biggest problem is always that I don't quite trust God with my life the way I know is right and good. I'm only human, but I'm learning and growing in this, and I am sure I always will be. But there seemed to be other things I couldn't wrap my mind around.
While I have not suffered much personal loss in my life so far, I have quite a few friends who are enduring tremendous loss right now or are coming upon it quickly. Miscarriages, loss of children, and cancer seem to be wreaking havoc in too many people's lives. My mind is constantly whirling back to these friends - some are my best friends, and some are more like acquaintances, but all are on my mind every hour. I find myself entertaining all kinds of questions and scenarios on their behalf for quite some time before I remember to pray.
My prayer life is undisciplined to say the least, and while I talk to God frequently, I rarely set aside time specifically for this. When I do talk to Him, my requests are sort of scattered, not entirely specific, or even very inquisitive. As I been more intentional and detailed with what I ask and hope for, I am finding more fulfillment in my soul, along with greater confidence in God's plans.
However, praying for others and feeling a small portion of their pain is only part of what has been troubling me.
On my way back from CrossFit this morning, I heard a song that not only expressed my emotions perfectly, but also offered a way to pray about it.
I've been trying to nail down exactly why I am so out of sorts. I know new adventures can throw a kink in life, and leaving places I love has been difficult too, but over the last several weeks I've felt this internal grasping for something I can't quite put into words. The biggest problem is always that I don't quite trust God with my life the way I know is right and good. I'm only human, but I'm learning and growing in this, and I am sure I always will be. But there seemed to be other things I couldn't wrap my mind around.
While I have not suffered much personal loss in my life so far, I have quite a few friends who are enduring tremendous loss right now or are coming upon it quickly. Miscarriages, loss of children, and cancer seem to be wreaking havoc in too many people's lives. My mind is constantly whirling back to these friends - some are my best friends, and some are more like acquaintances, but all are on my mind every hour. I find myself entertaining all kinds of questions and scenarios on their behalf for quite some time before I remember to pray.
My prayer life is undisciplined to say the least, and while I talk to God frequently, I rarely set aside time specifically for this. When I do talk to Him, my requests are sort of scattered, not entirely specific, or even very inquisitive. As I been more intentional and detailed with what I ask and hope for, I am finding more fulfillment in my soul, along with greater confidence in God's plans.
However, praying for others and feeling a small portion of their pain is only part of what has been troubling me.
On my way back from CrossFit this morning, I heard a song that not only expressed my emotions perfectly, but also offered a way to pray about it.
I wish I had what I needed
To be on my own
'Cause I feel so defeated
And I'm feeling alone
And it all seems so helpless
And I have no plans
I'm a plane in the sunset
With nowhere to land
And all I see
It could never make me happy
And all my sand castles
Spend their time collapsing
Let me know that you hear me
Let me feel your touch
Let me know that you love me
And let that be enough
These are the lyrics to the song Let That Be Enough by Switchfoot from their 2nd album. I listened to this quite a bit about 12 years ago, and I've always loved this song, but today is truck me differently.
I realized that I feel torn almost all the time. I want something, but I know it won't fulfill me. I want to be on my own and independent much of the time, but then I often feel sad and lonely. I want to do big things, but I don't have any solid plans. I want to go somewhere else, but I don't know where that is. And it's true, nothing I can think up will make me happy. There's no "problem" there to find and fix. Life is hard, bad things happen, and my emotions leave me questioning the best of situations.
But God, He is the one I can rely on, and it all seems so easy, and so obvious now. I am longing for the things in this song. I want to know He hears me, that He's close to me, that He loves me. And what I really needs is for all these things to be enough to soothe this raw and tender soul of mine.
I know it's hard to ask for a change of heart, for a spirit of contentment, or for peace in relentlessly stressful situation. It's far easier to ask for a change in circumstance, for the things we think we need to be content, or for more control in bad situations. But the more I do this, the more I search for fixes outside of my heart, the more despair builds inside. The more I commit to changing the outside in an effort to fix my insides, the longer my insides are neglected and the more they shrivel.
My heart needs God, and my soul needs to find peace and contentment in Him. I need His love to be enough. I need to see that all the solutions to my problems are pointless without Him. And on days when everything feels overwhelming and yet not enough, I can ask Him to make Himself enough for my weary heart. These are the things I am longing for all my hurting friends to know as well. It is my hope and prayer that God's love will be enough for them during their darkest hours.
God, make yourself enough in our hearts. Let all You have for us be the perfect medicine for our broken souls.
Monday, July 25, 2016
On Writing Honestly.
To write, or not to write. That is the question.
This is always the question for me it seems. Struck with an idea, thinking about something powerful, listening to a song that gives me goosebumps... do I try to explain it? Do I attempt to transform my intense emotions into words? I feel a desperate pull to make you understand.
But for what? Why do you need to understand? The first reason that comes to my head is because it has changed me. Whatever thought, emotion, or inspirational idea I just had gave me hope, helped me endure, caused me to move into action, pointed me to God's truth, or blessed me with peace.
This is important to me lately because I am seeing how what I believe about myself does not line up with what others believe about me or what God says about me. I live with the lie that who I am, what I have to offer, might not matter. I fear no one wants it.
It's hard to even write that. Part of me feels almost arrogant to say it. Silly, yes? What is arrogant in admitting you believe something dreadful about yourself? Maybe I still question if it is true or not. Maybe admitting it frightens me because I am finally willing to admit I cannot keep living that way. Maybe it's scary to start believing the truth more than just occasionally.
This all comes out now from a number of experiences. One being my friend Astrid's 30 day writing challenge. Her willingness to write every day, whatever she feels like writing, without editing, encouraged me to attempt the same, at least today. Another reason I sat to write this is from the lessons Lysa Terkeurst taught this past weekend on rejection and how to get your very best idea out of your soul. She says that we often believe a story about ourselves that isn't true and that our best idea is often born out of our struggles.
The last reason I am putting this out there is actually about 50 reasons, 50 people to be exact. Well, not exact, as I have lost count of the women to spoke into my life this weekend. But all of them seemed to see something in me I cannot. The way they listened with enthusiasm, the way they asked me questions about my life, the way they all said they were excited to see what God will make out of this very unsure month or two of my life recently... it's got me questioning how and why I question myself.
So, I sat down to write. Ever so briefly, but honestly. To try and really put my mind into these little keys and see what happened. To practice stating my honest thoughts and perhaps come up with reasons, inspiration, and encouragement to keep trying it over and over again. I won't lie, I hope it moves you the way it's changing me. And I do hope something beautiful comes from all of it.
This is always the question for me it seems. Struck with an idea, thinking about something powerful, listening to a song that gives me goosebumps... do I try to explain it? Do I attempt to transform my intense emotions into words? I feel a desperate pull to make you understand.
But for what? Why do you need to understand? The first reason that comes to my head is because it has changed me. Whatever thought, emotion, or inspirational idea I just had gave me hope, helped me endure, caused me to move into action, pointed me to God's truth, or blessed me with peace.
This is important to me lately because I am seeing how what I believe about myself does not line up with what others believe about me or what God says about me. I live with the lie that who I am, what I have to offer, might not matter. I fear no one wants it.
It's hard to even write that. Part of me feels almost arrogant to say it. Silly, yes? What is arrogant in admitting you believe something dreadful about yourself? Maybe I still question if it is true or not. Maybe admitting it frightens me because I am finally willing to admit I cannot keep living that way. Maybe it's scary to start believing the truth more than just occasionally.
This all comes out now from a number of experiences. One being my friend Astrid's 30 day writing challenge. Her willingness to write every day, whatever she feels like writing, without editing, encouraged me to attempt the same, at least today. Another reason I sat to write this is from the lessons Lysa Terkeurst taught this past weekend on rejection and how to get your very best idea out of your soul. She says that we often believe a story about ourselves that isn't true and that our best idea is often born out of our struggles.
The last reason I am putting this out there is actually about 50 reasons, 50 people to be exact. Well, not exact, as I have lost count of the women to spoke into my life this weekend. But all of them seemed to see something in me I cannot. The way they listened with enthusiasm, the way they asked me questions about my life, the way they all said they were excited to see what God will make out of this very unsure month or two of my life recently... it's got me questioning how and why I question myself.
So, I sat down to write. Ever so briefly, but honestly. To try and really put my mind into these little keys and see what happened. To practice stating my honest thoughts and perhaps come up with reasons, inspiration, and encouragement to keep trying it over and over again. I won't lie, I hope it moves you the way it's changing me. And I do hope something beautiful comes from all of it.
Sunday, July 24, 2016
What a Weekend!
SheSpeaks.
I miss all my new friends so much already. It’s unbelievable what a bond I feel with those women.
Usually after very social events I get a little weird. I actually thought a lot about it before I came here, expecting that I would need to figure out how to cope. I also pre-decided (a Lysa T. term) that I would write about exactly what I felt and try to put it into words as it was happening. But you know what? God’s peace is so heavy upon me. I could cry just sitting right here in the Charlotte Airport.
Maybe I’ll feel weird tomorrow, but today I feel more alive that I have in quite some time. No uncertainty about what the other women thought of me. No fear that I said the wrong things or did something offensive. No worry over how I am going to implement all the truth I soaked up this weekend. This is how I should live all the time.
This morning I was wide awake at 4:30am. It’s not the time difference, since it was actually only 1:30am in Portland, but I was really anxious again. My stomach hurt and I tried desperately to sleep it off. To no avail, I twisted and turned while my stomach twisted and churned until about 5:30am when I finally decided to get on with my day. After hearing my new friend Lee Anne give her devotional yesterday, I decided to take her advice about how to fight worry.
1- Praise God.
I won’t tell you all of her steps yet, as it is her story, her insight. But this first step was perfect. Actively telling God how grateful I was, how He is good no matter what I am worried about, that He knows where I will be in 30 days, that He is in total control, and that He loves me.
Then, I downloaded the First 5 app from Proverbs 31 ministries and watched the video for today.
Holy freaking moly.
I met those ladies the last two days! Whitney and Leah… I got to listen to their wisdom in person! When I got a chance each day, I tracked them down and told them thank you. They were so sweet, so gracious, and almost shocked to see that God’s working through them was working in me. I feel like they are my friends already and I was so glad to glean even more of their biblical wisdom and insight again this morning.
I may still feel weird later today, but I’m not worried about if that happens. I’m SO looking forward to seeing my sister soon & exploring Boston for the first time. I am so undeserving of these good gifts, of this incredible peace. God has blown me away once again, more that ever and I am going to revel in it for as long as I can.
Sunday, July 10, 2016
Pondering Home.
Good news, we sold our house!
This has been both a celebration and a source of stress. As I’m doing my best to trust God’s plans and stay a little distracted, I’ve found myself dissecting my thoughts. I keep wondering why this feels so hard. Is it just because it’s change? Or because we are unsure what city we’ll actually be moving to? I think there’s an eternal current under all of this, which can be a powerful reminder of hope and stability if I can keep it in mind.
As I stood in my kitchen one morning, looking at my lovely countertops, I felt sad that I would no longer be standing right there, fixing coffee or cereal or smoothies in the mornings. Someone else will be there, with their decor, their stuff, their routines. I’m not typically very sentimental about physical objects or places, so I just kept on thinking, trying to figure out where these intense feelings of loss were coming from.
While looking at 20+ houses over the last few weeks, while in homes that we liked (or even loved) I envisioned myself there, saw what my kids would be doing, or planned out what kinds of parties and events we would be having there. It was easy, and I didn’t think twice about not being in our current home. The sadness was dissipated, replaced by my excitement, adding a little anxiety about my to-do list, and awakening a hope for new memories and adventures.
You see, when there is some sort of “next”, we can at least guess about what will happen, and when we can rely on at least parts of it being good, we can leave despair behind and move forward with less fear. Without a “next”, we can only look on what was, leaving too much room for a giant hole of nothingness, impossible to fill with any real situation. Some of us are better at daydreaming that others, but sooner or later that daydream is shattered and we will be left looking for a place to rest where there is only a question mark.
In case you haven't tried it, resting in a question mark is impossible. Apart from trusting in God, you either cannot do it or you fool yourself and are actually trusting in something else. It’s like standing. You either stand somewhere or you don’t. If you are not standing, you are sitting, lying down, or moving in some sort of direction. So when your house sells, and you have not one single idea where you will be in 45 days, it’s like standing, but with no floor. The same feeling of falling will sometimes flutter in my chest as I think about how unknown all of this is, but that’s where God’s promises have kept me from despair, from questioning more than I should, or worrying when I should be sleeping.
I may not know what happens next, but I know what happens last. Someday, I will never have to worry about where I will live. Actually, I don’t even have to worry now, but it’s hard to stop thinking about everything that is going on in my life today. When I really consider the promise of having my eternity taken care of, my sin not holding me back, and my circumstances never being insurmountable or frightening, my breathing becomes slow, deep, and full of peace. My cares about the size of the kitchen, the state of the bathroom sink, or how much painting I will be doing seem more like exciting gifts and less like reasons to be crabby.
Ultimately, it doesn’t really matter where I will be in 45 days or 45 years. Many people look only to what they will gain during their life on earth, but ignoring impending death does not ensure life. It scares me to see how many friends of mine think life just ends, or if they don’t really believe that, they don’t think or talk about what will happen the day they die.
Just like I’m not disappearing from my house into nothing, your soul does not just disappear into nothing. I am going somewhere else. Your soul is going somewhere else. Do you know where? Do you care? Do you want to be sure?
It’s difficult for me not to obsess and cry and despair over these thoughts, about the loss of life that will occur at the end of your flesh, at the end of so many people’s time on earth. It is the promise of my soul going somewhere more delightful than my favorite daydream, more perfect than my best day, that enables me to function in all the unknown. I can sell my house and know that even in the worst-case-scenario, I’ll still be fine. Not because of my resilience, or my circumstance, or any kind of special blessing, but because Jesus has taken care of everything for me. He did it before I knew I would need it, before I was willing to admit I needed it. And He gives me glimpses every day of the fulfilling joy I will obtain when every earthly fear is shattered forever.
So there you have it, part of my brain on paper, I mean, computer ;) And now you know my struggle these days. Looking, hoping, being tempted to despair and being reminded again of God’s promise for me: a place with Him in eternity. If that is not glorious to us, the problem lies in our hearts, not in the value of Him. And if you don’t know what will happen when you die, I beg you to start thinking. Please don’t despair, but don’t be fooled into thinking a good life on earth is all there is to hope for. I may seem busy and in the midst of moving, but I am not too busy to talk about eternity… I could do that forever. So think away, ask away, and start searching for eternal peace instead of temporary happiness.
Wednesday, June 15, 2016
Summer Hiatus, Sort Of.
Hello there! Been a while, right?
We've had a few interesting weeks around here. I will update you on all the news and let you know how the summer will look for my blog.
I have had a rough couple of weeks in my own mind. I hate to even say "I struggle with depression" because what happens in my mind is not what I imagined depression to be like, but I'm starting to see that I do struggle with some sort of depression. It isn't completely debilitating, but I get sad, and a little too into my own head, making it hard to function sometimes. I over-think, I feel tired and exhausted, frustrated at things in my life and things not pertaining to my life, then I get mad about my thoughts feeling so heavy and crippling. It's a weird cycle, and it's really hard to break.
I'm not on any medication, and I don't know if I will ever be. Whenever I feel myself spiraling I start thinking about the question of finding help medically. Is it bad? Not necessarily. Do I need it? Again, not necessarily. Would it be helpful? Maybe. So when do I decide to take action? How bad do I need to feel in order to seek out help? Is there honor in struggling through when there is no real danger? How much does my family need to see me struggle and fight to find joy in the life God has given me? Or would they benefit from just having me be more "happy" on a regular basis? Then I keep asking myself these questions over and over again.
I've always been a bit melancholic, so all the questioning and deep thinking has been the norm for me since I can remember. I hope by writing about this struggle, you can see an example of what depression might look like, that you might give me grace when my writing gets a little "heady" or pessimistic, and that you would pray for me when you my words are few and sparse.
Another reason I have been a little absent the last few weeks is that we have decided to sell our house!
Last summer, we put the house on the market for 30 days thinking if it sold we would move, but if not, we'd stick around for another year. It didn't sell, so we stuck around. Early this April my husband and I said we'd still stick around for another year, and possibly buy-out my in-laws if they were ready to get out of the city. After a month of praying and talking together, we decided we weren't ready to take on such a big financial burden to stay in a place we don't love, and Mark's parents are pretty well done with city life too. So here we go, listing the house and waiting for it to sell.
We had open houses this past weekend, and I'm really hopeful this hot market will give us a quick, painless sale. The last three weeks I've been packing and cleaning like a mad-woman. It's so good we finished our schoolwork early, and that I am not speaking at practicum this summer. I will still be attending practicum for CC next week, as I'll be a tutor in Milwaukie again next year, so June is kind of a crazy month.
I am doing something super awesome in July though, and I am SO excited! I am going to a Speaking/Writing conference called SheSpeaks where I will be getting my heart, soul, and mind filled with all sorts of wisdom, advice and practical help with fulfilling my dream of writing and speaking. It's in North Carolina, and since my husband is amazing (and since it was only $100 difference) I'm flying over to Boston for a few days afterwards to visit my big sister! I've never seen the Atlantic Ocean before, or really any of the states or historic sites on the East Coast, so to say I'm really looking forward to it is a giant understatement.
I hope to write and tell you all about SheSpeaks and my trip to Boston both during my time there and shortly after, but no promises on that timeline ;) I might be packing and viewing houses like a crazy person. But I do hope to spend a good chunk of time this summer plotting and planning some more for this blog. I'd love your input too! Do you want me to talk more directly about homeschooling? Or do you prefer more general topics about life, parenting and learning overall? Any certain subjects you want to see my brain tackle? I have a bunch of my own ideas, but I really want to be able to share and write about topics that interest you!
So there you have it. That's my life right now. If you want to see pictures and other updates, follow me on instagram @jojococamo
Hope you are having a fabulous summer!
We've had a few interesting weeks around here. I will update you on all the news and let you know how the summer will look for my blog.
I have had a rough couple of weeks in my own mind. I hate to even say "I struggle with depression" because what happens in my mind is not what I imagined depression to be like, but I'm starting to see that I do struggle with some sort of depression. It isn't completely debilitating, but I get sad, and a little too into my own head, making it hard to function sometimes. I over-think, I feel tired and exhausted, frustrated at things in my life and things not pertaining to my life, then I get mad about my thoughts feeling so heavy and crippling. It's a weird cycle, and it's really hard to break.
I'm not on any medication, and I don't know if I will ever be. Whenever I feel myself spiraling I start thinking about the question of finding help medically. Is it bad? Not necessarily. Do I need it? Again, not necessarily. Would it be helpful? Maybe. So when do I decide to take action? How bad do I need to feel in order to seek out help? Is there honor in struggling through when there is no real danger? How much does my family need to see me struggle and fight to find joy in the life God has given me? Or would they benefit from just having me be more "happy" on a regular basis? Then I keep asking myself these questions over and over again.
I've always been a bit melancholic, so all the questioning and deep thinking has been the norm for me since I can remember. I hope by writing about this struggle, you can see an example of what depression might look like, that you might give me grace when my writing gets a little "heady" or pessimistic, and that you would pray for me when you my words are few and sparse.
Another reason I have been a little absent the last few weeks is that we have decided to sell our house!
Last summer, we put the house on the market for 30 days thinking if it sold we would move, but if not, we'd stick around for another year. It didn't sell, so we stuck around. Early this April my husband and I said we'd still stick around for another year, and possibly buy-out my in-laws if they were ready to get out of the city. After a month of praying and talking together, we decided we weren't ready to take on such a big financial burden to stay in a place we don't love, and Mark's parents are pretty well done with city life too. So here we go, listing the house and waiting for it to sell.
We had open houses this past weekend, and I'm really hopeful this hot market will give us a quick, painless sale. The last three weeks I've been packing and cleaning like a mad-woman. It's so good we finished our schoolwork early, and that I am not speaking at practicum this summer. I will still be attending practicum for CC next week, as I'll be a tutor in Milwaukie again next year, so June is kind of a crazy month.
I am doing something super awesome in July though, and I am SO excited! I am going to a Speaking/Writing conference called SheSpeaks where I will be getting my heart, soul, and mind filled with all sorts of wisdom, advice and practical help with fulfilling my dream of writing and speaking. It's in North Carolina, and since my husband is amazing (and since it was only $100 difference) I'm flying over to Boston for a few days afterwards to visit my big sister! I've never seen the Atlantic Ocean before, or really any of the states or historic sites on the East Coast, so to say I'm really looking forward to it is a giant understatement.
I hope to write and tell you all about SheSpeaks and my trip to Boston both during my time there and shortly after, but no promises on that timeline ;) I might be packing and viewing houses like a crazy person. But I do hope to spend a good chunk of time this summer plotting and planning some more for this blog. I'd love your input too! Do you want me to talk more directly about homeschooling? Or do you prefer more general topics about life, parenting and learning overall? Any certain subjects you want to see my brain tackle? I have a bunch of my own ideas, but I really want to be able to share and write about topics that interest you!
So there you have it. That's my life right now. If you want to see pictures and other updates, follow me on instagram @jojococamo
Hope you are having a fabulous summer!
Thursday, January 21, 2016
Being a Thinker.
Whenever I take personality quizzes, I have to laugh when I read some of the descriptions. Not because they are wrong, but because they are ever so right. They usually say something like "You sometimes overanalyze problems" or "You often overthink a scenario that might come to pass". It may seem like I am always changing to some people, but this personality trait has stuck with me since I can remember. If you know me well, you might be laughing about it too. When I try to explain problems I am dealing with to friends, the first response is usually "I think you might be thinking about this too much." Thinking about everything, all the time can sometimes be helpful, and it definitely has its place, but it may be my biggest hindrance in life.
Thinking deeply about critical and significant issues is commonplace to me. It's rare for a day to go by where I have not despaired about the state of our world or the tragedy taking place in the lives of people all over the globe. It's easy to let these thoughts run my day while running me into the ground. It is important to take time to understand the difficult circumstances people are in around the world, and it's important for us to consider the roots of these problems. We should consider how we contribute to any of these issues, how history has shaped the countries struggling around the globe, how our culture encourages materialism and physical success, and how those affect the people we live around and engage with.
Those are hard topics. It takes forever to gain a base of knowledge to feel remotely capable of finding a helpful solution. Trust me, I've wracked my brain over it more times than I can count. It can be exhausting to contemplate all of these difficult things and not have opportunity to affect change in what we think is powerful and effective. But, global crisis and hardships are not the only topics that deserve our deep thinking.
Thinking about our children, their strengths, their weaknesses, their habits, their loves and their needs is extremely important too. More important than the world will tell you. But then again, there are so many different opinions on where we find value in our children and what they mean to us. They vary from being the best thing that ever happened to us, the sunshine in our days, to just another member of the family. They can be seen as a hindrance on our ability to accomplish success, or an opportunity to spread the gospel, and more. I believe there is a balance to be found in all of it. Obviously, my kids' education is important enough for me to make it my full-time, low-paying job. Well, I actually only get paid for tutoring at CC, but that's still something. No matter where we place that line of how valuable our children are, we still have a lot of thinking to do when it comes to raising them.
We need to think long enough and hard enough about our decisions in order to move forward with confidence. If you can't do that, you will struggle with every challenging day (trust me, I do this way too often). Yesterday morning I was thinking way too hard about some writing I did the previous night. Words were not spilling out of me the way I had hoped. There were far fewer than I realized, which hardly ever happens in my mind or conversations. I woke up still feeling annoyed about it, then saw a homeschooling conference opportunity I was pretty sure wouldn't work out for me to attend. So what did I do? I just kept thinking! It was terrible. I was consumed in looking at what I needed to do and seeing it as a hindrance compared to what I wanted to do. I looked at all the dirty laundry and moaned because it would require some hours of light labor. I looked at my dirty shower and was pouty because I would need to spend another 10 minutes or so scrubbing. My brain was taking me to an unlovely place, and while I wasn't ready to admit I didn't want to go there, I really knew I was in some sort of trouble.
Then, the kids were kids. The boys were playing football in the hallway, Jovi was crying about everything, and I was ready for a nap at 9:30am. I showered, scrubbed, got dressed and even put on makeup. The boys were asking about going to a local football field and, by God's grace, I decided to go for it. We only spent 45 minutes there, but it was the most perfect 45 minutes. Oh, Jovi threw three lovely screaming fits, Asher and Cole fought about who was faster, Cole yelled about not playing anymore because Asher was indeed faster, but somehow, it was exactly what we all needed. The space, the endorphins, the cold air - it all worked out to restart my brain. My thoughts went from a high speed chase of over-thinking this time in my life, to considering my children, my job and my future as a glorious task God has granted me.
I really wanted to share this with you because being stuck in my own head seems to be the biggest wall I face in homeschooling on a pretty regular basis. Homeschooling doesn't feel hard because of my kids' attitudes (though it definitely makes it harder), or because of my laundry schedule, or even because of my weariness. Homeschooling is hard because my mind gets caught up on things which have no bearing, no place in my mind and soul. I don't need to waste time moaning about the loss of 10 more minutes, or two more loads of laundry. God has got it more than covered. I would rather save that mental energy for looking into the lives of my children, seeing what they see, and giving them what only I can give.
When my husband and I were first making the decision of whether or not to homeschool, we landed on this: we believe personal investment and the knowledge of Jesus our savior to be the most important factors in our kids' educations and lives. We believe we are able to give this to them better than any affordable school option we've found. If there comes a day where we are no longer able to give them these things, we will reconsider how we school. For now, these two ambitions are my priority, our family's priority. They come before accomplishing my personal writing goals (though I am making headway on them), before reading the latest book on my ever growing list, before feeling like I have got it all under control or staying on top of my social calendar. I am still ambitious, full of goals and dreams, but my selfishness needs to take a back seat, probably permanently, so I can show my family Jesus by giving up my life for theirs. This might sound terribly self-demeaning, but I am confident I will not regret it. My investment in them is also an investment in myself, both here on earth and in eternity. I'm convinced I will never regret teaching them the gospel by first living it out. Living it out perfectly, or even very well, every day is more than impossible, but God enjoys using us for these types of impossible tasks. I'm going to stay ambitious, stay driven, and seek His excellence every day. The more I see it, the more my kids will see it, and eventually, the more the world will see it too. I can think of no greater honor than to behold and partake in the glory and excellence of Christ. I'm grateful I can do it every day, and that I can share it with my children as well.
I challenge you to look at your thoughts today. Don't only observe what they are, but take time to consider where they come from, if they are rooted in truth, and what they are leading you towards. The big issues in our world eventually dwindle down to small things. Each large movement in history has started with just thoughts and intentions, eventually becoming actions of the people involved. It is worthwhile to spend time thinking, and it is necessary for you too. The time you spend placing your mind where it should be, the less time you spend fighting it on difficult days. You will know the place this work has in your life, and your heart will settle on it contentedly. You will not be lacking passion, but your passion will be ignited with confidence. This is what I dream about - confidence in my daily work, leading to excellence, exuberance and a joy that will never diminish. This is what we have in Christ. And this is what we can offer our children. What a gift!
Thinking deeply about critical and significant issues is commonplace to me. It's rare for a day to go by where I have not despaired about the state of our world or the tragedy taking place in the lives of people all over the globe. It's easy to let these thoughts run my day while running me into the ground. It is important to take time to understand the difficult circumstances people are in around the world, and it's important for us to consider the roots of these problems. We should consider how we contribute to any of these issues, how history has shaped the countries struggling around the globe, how our culture encourages materialism and physical success, and how those affect the people we live around and engage with.
Those are hard topics. It takes forever to gain a base of knowledge to feel remotely capable of finding a helpful solution. Trust me, I've wracked my brain over it more times than I can count. It can be exhausting to contemplate all of these difficult things and not have opportunity to affect change in what we think is powerful and effective. But, global crisis and hardships are not the only topics that deserve our deep thinking.
Thinking about our children, their strengths, their weaknesses, their habits, their loves and their needs is extremely important too. More important than the world will tell you. But then again, there are so many different opinions on where we find value in our children and what they mean to us. They vary from being the best thing that ever happened to us, the sunshine in our days, to just another member of the family. They can be seen as a hindrance on our ability to accomplish success, or an opportunity to spread the gospel, and more. I believe there is a balance to be found in all of it. Obviously, my kids' education is important enough for me to make it my full-time, low-paying job. Well, I actually only get paid for tutoring at CC, but that's still something. No matter where we place that line of how valuable our children are, we still have a lot of thinking to do when it comes to raising them.
We need to think long enough and hard enough about our decisions in order to move forward with confidence. If you can't do that, you will struggle with every challenging day (trust me, I do this way too often). Yesterday morning I was thinking way too hard about some writing I did the previous night. Words were not spilling out of me the way I had hoped. There were far fewer than I realized, which hardly ever happens in my mind or conversations. I woke up still feeling annoyed about it, then saw a homeschooling conference opportunity I was pretty sure wouldn't work out for me to attend. So what did I do? I just kept thinking! It was terrible. I was consumed in looking at what I needed to do and seeing it as a hindrance compared to what I wanted to do. I looked at all the dirty laundry and moaned because it would require some hours of light labor. I looked at my dirty shower and was pouty because I would need to spend another 10 minutes or so scrubbing. My brain was taking me to an unlovely place, and while I wasn't ready to admit I didn't want to go there, I really knew I was in some sort of trouble.
Then, the kids were kids. The boys were playing football in the hallway, Jovi was crying about everything, and I was ready for a nap at 9:30am. I showered, scrubbed, got dressed and even put on makeup. The boys were asking about going to a local football field and, by God's grace, I decided to go for it. We only spent 45 minutes there, but it was the most perfect 45 minutes. Oh, Jovi threw three lovely screaming fits, Asher and Cole fought about who was faster, Cole yelled about not playing anymore because Asher was indeed faster, but somehow, it was exactly what we all needed. The space, the endorphins, the cold air - it all worked out to restart my brain. My thoughts went from a high speed chase of over-thinking this time in my life, to considering my children, my job and my future as a glorious task God has granted me.
I really wanted to share this with you because being stuck in my own head seems to be the biggest wall I face in homeschooling on a pretty regular basis. Homeschooling doesn't feel hard because of my kids' attitudes (though it definitely makes it harder), or because of my laundry schedule, or even because of my weariness. Homeschooling is hard because my mind gets caught up on things which have no bearing, no place in my mind and soul. I don't need to waste time moaning about the loss of 10 more minutes, or two more loads of laundry. God has got it more than covered. I would rather save that mental energy for looking into the lives of my children, seeing what they see, and giving them what only I can give.
When my husband and I were first making the decision of whether or not to homeschool, we landed on this: we believe personal investment and the knowledge of Jesus our savior to be the most important factors in our kids' educations and lives. We believe we are able to give this to them better than any affordable school option we've found. If there comes a day where we are no longer able to give them these things, we will reconsider how we school. For now, these two ambitions are my priority, our family's priority. They come before accomplishing my personal writing goals (though I am making headway on them), before reading the latest book on my ever growing list, before feeling like I have got it all under control or staying on top of my social calendar. I am still ambitious, full of goals and dreams, but my selfishness needs to take a back seat, probably permanently, so I can show my family Jesus by giving up my life for theirs. This might sound terribly self-demeaning, but I am confident I will not regret it. My investment in them is also an investment in myself, both here on earth and in eternity. I'm convinced I will never regret teaching them the gospel by first living it out. Living it out perfectly, or even very well, every day is more than impossible, but God enjoys using us for these types of impossible tasks. I'm going to stay ambitious, stay driven, and seek His excellence every day. The more I see it, the more my kids will see it, and eventually, the more the world will see it too. I can think of no greater honor than to behold and partake in the glory and excellence of Christ. I'm grateful I can do it every day, and that I can share it with my children as well.
I challenge you to look at your thoughts today. Don't only observe what they are, but take time to consider where they come from, if they are rooted in truth, and what they are leading you towards. The big issues in our world eventually dwindle down to small things. Each large movement in history has started with just thoughts and intentions, eventually becoming actions of the people involved. It is worthwhile to spend time thinking, and it is necessary for you too. The time you spend placing your mind where it should be, the less time you spend fighting it on difficult days. You will know the place this work has in your life, and your heart will settle on it contentedly. You will not be lacking passion, but your passion will be ignited with confidence. This is what I dream about - confidence in my daily work, leading to excellence, exuberance and a joy that will never diminish. This is what we have in Christ. And this is what we can offer our children. What a gift!
