Looking Forward.

This has been my longest stint of not blogging or writing in several years. Three, or maybe even four?

When I set out to write every day in January I did not have much of an end-goal in mind. It was almost like a dare. It was something I was afraid I couldn't do, something I wanted to test myself in. And it wasn't nearly as hard as I thought.

When I'm honest, what was really hard was seeing the disinterest of my people. Not that I really feel like I have a "tribe" of people who stick with me and read what I write on a regular basis. I mean, my mom does, my mother-in-law does, and a few loyal friends too, but I could never claim to have much of a following at this point in my life.

Along came February with all its monotony, schoolwork, and rain. I changed my eating habits significantly and was doing some challenge groups with friends, which was certainly worthwhile and took up some of my spare minutes during the day, but it definitely was not something that would excuse my sudden drop off the planet in regards to writing.

I still don't have much of an answer as to why I stopped. I can tell you what I've been doing, but all my attempts at explaining still don't quite paint a clear picture.

I picked up some paintbrushes, brought home some new paints, bought some new brush pens, and have been enjoying that immensely. Somehow though, the 3 in me (yes, I am an Enneagram nerd) always comes out and tries to figure out how to make my endeavors into a successful business. I just love small businesses, especially beautiful ones, and I have always had high hopes of running my own someday.

photo by Tim Arterbury

Today is not that day. Tomorrow might not be either. And I'm working on being okay with that.

Right now, I have to be okay with my limits. They aren't terrible by any means, but they do exist. And while many are results of my choices, they aren't punishment or something to be dreaded.

Homeschooling is not what I consider a calling for myself. While I do enjoy it, and am eternally grateful for all it has given me and my family, I don't see it as a mission from God specifically. I see discipling my children as a mission, and at this point in my life the only way I can figure out how to do that within our constraints is through homeschooling. And that actually gives me a lot of freedom, a lot of opportunity, and I wish it brought me more joy.

It has been a challenging year with homeschooling all three kids. Not beyond crazy, just hard. There's a constant juggling of schedules. I don't have a lot of margin. And when I run out of time to pursue my passions, I quickly run out of sanity. When one child needs an extra 30 minutes to work on something, that has to come from somewhere, and I have trouble not being frustrated when that "somewhere" is my own down-time I was counting on.

But let's get real, I don't think there is enough down-time in the world that could satisfy my desires. There will never be enough hours in the day to read, to experience beauty, to create beautiful things, or to enjoy the beautiful people in my life. And I seriously stink at living well with that reality. I mean, I do know I will have eternity for all those things, but it's hard for me not to get all angsty about not having them now.

I scheme, I try to think of a different plan, I look at job opportunities and other places we could live, but none of it ever pans out. God is leaving me here in this place for now. Can I surrender to that? Am I willing to embrace it? To make the most out of it? To live well where I am today?

I want to say yes, and I will, but I wish I could say yes with a heart full of enthusiasm. Truthfully, I say yes because I trust God (or at least desperately try to) but my heart gets distracted so incredibly often. And that's a problem I am working on too. Distraction gets the best of me a lot.

So what am I doing here now? Why did I hop on here tonight? Good question.

I wanted to say that I am still here. I will still write, but I'm not sure how much. I still want to share my life-lessons with whoever is interested in reading about them. I still feel compelled to homeschool but still struggle with accepting the sacrifice it requires of me. I want to make beautiful things, but I have no idea what form that will take in the long run. And mostly, I want to be okay with all of this. I want to accept this okay but not-okay paradox. I want to say "I trust you God" with all the ways my life is right now, yet still find the heart to strive to be all that I can for His kingdom, even if it's a far less glorious role than I'd pick for myself.

People often say that if you would still write even if no one read it, then you should keep on writing, but I'm not sure I can do that. I do write for myself for sure, but I write because I want to share things. Things about myself (yep, owning my own desires here), but mostly things about life, about how God is in all and uses it all. I want to grab your face and give you a good shake and wake you up the world around you. I need someone to do this for me too! I want to be a part of the lives of the people around me, a person who points them to God no matter what storms surround me.

As I've been thinking a lot about what keeps me going, about what God says should keep me going, I wonder what keeps everyone else going. What gets you out of bed? What keeps you on-track when what lies ahead feels boring, hard, or even impossible? How do you approach the long season of work that comes with little to show in the here and now?

I will come back soon and share some of my answers, but I really want to hear from you. What keeps you going?

We must all keep going. So in case you have been wondering what I've been doing and if I've given up on writing, you hopefully got at least a partial answer. I'm here, I'm still going, but figuring out what speed I can maintain, figuring out how to shake off every hindrance and keep running the race God has put me in. And mostly, learning to trust that I don't need to know the whole course to keep going with confidence. I just need to know Him.

On Being and Giving.

Last summer, I read Madeleine L'engle's book A Circle of Quiet per the recommendation of a friend of mine, Angela. She's an avid reader and an excellent writer, so I trusted her recommendation without question. If you remember, I more than loved it. It was indescribable to read pages from a woman's mind that seemed to come from my own, except, said better and with far more life experience and adventure than I feel able to bring. Anyway, I keep coming back to the word Madeleine was fixated on: ontology.

Actually, I don't care much for the word, but I am intrigued by the concept: Being.

I love accomplishing tasks. Big or small, if they get done and I can show evidence of the validity of my accomplishments, I am one happy woman. Not for long though, as there is always more to do, more to prove, more to achieve. But the older I get, the more I want to be loved for who I am, not just for what I do. This is great for the saved, because it isn't our sinful nature that defines us, but our being children of God that determines our worth. And I'm finding my happiness is linked to this difference in thinking too: we are not what we do, but who we are becoming.

This idea keeps popping up in everything I do, all the movies I watch, all the books I read, and many of the interactions I have with my kids. Finding our center, our being, the part of us that God made tick a specific and purposeful way, is going to bring us more peace than any other endeavor on earth. Like it or not, we will not find that peace if our hunt in not centered on God. It is only in Him that we find any purpose worthwhile.

He did not create us so we can glory in ourselves, and a major part of our purpose in being created by God is to have fellowship with Him. Our being brings Him glory, and His glory brings us happiness. It's insanely simple and completely generous.

Consider this. When I look at the ocean, the more I know about it, the more I experience it, the more I see amazing life within it, then the more peace reigns over me while I am there. When I look at flowers, the more familiar they become, the more I can name them accurately, the more I can tell their smells apart, then the more of a joy they are to me. Are you seeing the trend? The more we know the being of something, the more beautiful it is to us. This is true for God, and true for ourselves. The more we know God, the more we enjoy Him. The more we live true to the spark of creativity and potential He put within each of us, the more we are glad to be us. We must always give all credit to God for His amazing design, grace, and purpose, but we have to also recognize the incredible beauty He planted in each of us.

So here are my two pieces of advice to be happy with you, with your particular and original being, and I do not give these independent from knowing God - that is the first must!

1. Look at yourself less. I know, it seems weird to love yourself more by looking at yourself less, but it really is true. The more you focus on what you are now, the less time and energy you have to become the person God is shaping you to be - wonderful, perfectly formed, and a blessing to others. Stop looking in the mirror so much, stop thinking about what you could have done, and stop wishing to be something other than the current version of yourself.

2. Give kindness. It's the best way to be the best you. Recently, I read a snippet about how trying to please others doesn't actually please them, but being a happy and pleasant person to be around is what actually pleases other people. If we think more about smiling at our children, paying attention to the needs of others, and being gentle towards those we encounter, the joy we spread will outnumber the stars and cause us to be more in line with the purposes God has for us. You won't feel deprived of self-care, but you will be blessed by spreading love so generously, by having God's Spirit moving through you.

That seems really easy, completely over-the-top dumbed down. Maybe it is, but I know it works. When I smiled and waved at my daughter on her bike the other day, her surprise quickly turned to joy in both of our hearts. When I encouraged my son to do the same thing on her next trip around the sport-court, we tripled the joy between us. We all became a little more us, a little more the way God wants us to be: giving, joyful, purposeful, pleasant.

As the joy quickly turned to the grumps in our house, I reminded my son "It doesn't matter what you get in this life, it's what you give that makes the difference". It's also what makes you specifically you. What you give to others is part of the intentional design of our creator. The ocean gives awe, flowers give cheer, clouds give rain and inspiration, and those qualities, along with thousands of others, are what make each of these creations uniquely divine. So it is with us.

What you give is forming you every day, both in your own being and in your being towards others. If you want to be happy with who you are, or content with what is going on in your life, think less about you and think more about what you can give. It's the upside-down way to peace, and it was God's upside-down way to redemption as well, in giving us His Son. My prayer is that my life will lead you to aim high in enjoying your giving, whatever that looks like for you. Giving up vices, or giving up time, giving up bad attitudes, or giving away your cash. What we give says more about who we are than our words can ever articulate. You were made to give life, and God empowers us to give more than we can imagine, even more than exists within us. That is the biggest blessing in our giving - feeling the movement of God in our lives. Enjoy becoming who you are meant to be by loving the act of giving. It does not lead to loss, but to the greatest abundance you can imagine, and more.