Receiving the Mind of Christ.

Last week I reached the point of the year where I felt ready to give up on all my goals. Two months have gone by fairly quickly, but lately I am looking at everything I've done, everything yet to do, and everything still not getting done on a regular basis and I feel like I am beginning to crumble. Maybe it's a phase, maybe it's a response to overcommitting and my desire to achieve, but maybe it's because my mind is not where it should be.

I'll be the first to admit; I have a hard time letting God have His way.

Yes, we just finished the month about obedience, but my thought-life is still trying to get on board. I have a lot of "ifs" that need worked through and a lot of insecurities that need tossed. It feels easy to trust God with something big and important, but I am struggling to surrender my life over to the sacrifices that are required of me right now, day after day. I know my perspective is skewed. And while I can still choose to obey, the heartache and frustration from still wishing things were different, easier, more glamorous and less blah, are wearing me down.

This is where I'm going to take a public leap of faith, say a million prayers, and go to bed each night hoping God does His work.

I am hopeful that if I truly have the same priorities as God, if I can fully gain His insight, and understand what He wants for my life, my heart will eventually come around.

Let's all pray that "eventually" is more like tomorrow, or even next week; the sooner the better!

My head insists on thinking about what my days and my life should look like. I know it's not how God says I should spend my time and thoughts, but it is a challenge getting my mind to stop. I'm overwhelmed but feel like I'm not doing enough. I'm exhausted with my to-do list but it's never close to being done. I go back and forth between wanting to rest and wanting to get the work done, hoping one of those options will enable me to truly be at peace for a bit. But even when I am obeying the best I know how, my mind is still not tracking the way I believe God wants it to.

This month's Call is all about our thought-life. Not just all this "positivity" and "good-vibes" but spending our time focused on what it means to Receive the Mind of Christ. We are called to use our minds for His glory. We are commanded to filter what comes in (Romans 10:4-6). Not only is our mind one of the ways God uses the Holy Spirit to speak to us, but our minds inform our hearts (Proverbs 4:23). And I desperately need my mind to start informing my heart of what is true, honorable, lovely, and more.

The verse I want us to focus on this month really stands out to me. It was actually really challenging to pick just this one because the whole section in 1 Corinthians 2 is truly amazing. Go read it all! For now, think about what is said in verse 12:

"Now we have received not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, that we might understand the things freely given us by God."

Earlier in the chapter, Paul is talking about how we cannot fathom what God has in store for us, and that no one can know the thoughts of God. BUT, and it is a really big BUT, the Holy Spirit searches even the depths of God and then speaks to us. Isn't that amazing? What a gift!

Not only are there riches to fathom in receiving the mind of Christ, but there is wisdom to be had as well. And Proverbs is chock-full of advice about seeking wisdom. We need it, and we need it to come from God. Not just from friends on Instagram, not only from that non-fiction author who mostly talks about biblical stuff, but from God Himself.

I know getting your mind right with God might feel like strange business. I mean, He has to do the work, so what exactly are we supposed to do?

We need to start by making ourselves available. If we are constantly filled with the world, we have left no room for the things of God. If during every free second of our days we turn to social media, email, or communicating with others, we have left no open window for God to come in and communicate with us. We will need to learn to sit, be still, quiet our thoughts and simply listen. We will need to search the scriptures without an agenda. We will need to meditate on what we read and become willing to sit without immediate answers. We will need to stop thinking our thoughts and instead, ask God about His thoughts.

I was kind of dreading this post because I feel like I am doing such a lousy job of this lately, but after writing about all of that slowing down and sitting in silence, it sounds incredibly ideal and brings me refreshing hope. Are you up for it? Will you put your phone down, wait for God to move His Spirit and tell you what He has freely given you?

My book list is quite a bit shorter for this month's Call. I may add some others in a week or so, but since my goal is to sit and let God do the speaking, I want to clear my schedule a bit and stop filling my mind with everything I think is best.

Per the recommendation of my pastor, I am listening to Think: The Life of the Mind and the Love of God by John Piper.  I am only about 45 minutes in and am thoroughly encouraged.

I have already read David Mathis' book, Habits of Grace, and listened to it via the app Hoopla twice. I HIGHLY recommend it. It is practical, spiritually deep though, and a great encouragement no matter where you find yourself in your walk with God.

I will also be reading a few chapters in Proverbs each day. I might skirt around and check out other books as I feel lead (especially Ecclesiastes) but I want to really understand the gravity of how important wisdom from God really is and should be to us. I want to want it as bad as Solomon said we need it.

Like I said before, I hope that focusing on what needs to be in my mind and spending time allowing God to work in my thoughts will bring a peace to my heart that I am currently lacking. I need God's perspective on my life and I desire my heart to just play along nice and quit making it so hard. On one hand, I am comforted that even Paul felt like this (Romans 7:15-24), wanting one thing that you know you don't actually want, and doing the things you don't want to do, but I cannot force myself out of this place. I need to set my mind on the Spirit and allow Him to move in my mind, changing the desires of my flesh and bringing me genuine peace.

I'm guessing you need that too, right? Let's work on it together!

I am also hosting a Five Minute Challenge this month, every Monday through Friday on my Instagram (@joellen.armstrong). We'll spend five minutes in silence, allowing God to speak to us. No phone, no journaling, no praying even except for asking God to fill our minds with His mind. I'm excited to see so many women becoming more connected to God and more aware of His working in our lives. Follow me there and let me know you'll join in.

Make sure you also sign up to receive my monthly newsletter here (and get some cool bookmarks while you do) and then join our Facebook group to receive some other freebies and be encouraged.

I'm praying this is a month that makes an impact for all of us. I am asking God to fill my mind with what He desires, with what He wants me to know about Him, about life, about salvation and more. Here are a few questions you can ask yourself to help get your thinking going. Feel free to answer in the comments or write them down to ponder alone. May God bless your efforts in understanding Him better.


What thoughts against myself am I constantly battling?

What do I know about God that can change how I am looking at this difficult, annoying, frustrating, or even tragic situation?

What truths has God given me that I can cling to?

How can I "set my mind on the Spirit" as Paul says in Romans 8?

What personal desires are keeping me from wanting the life God wants me to enjoy living?


If you are wrestling through life, trying to get a handle on everything, please don't hesitate to reach out for prayer. It is a powerful tool and it builds community and encourages authentic relationships. Whether it is me or someone else you know, ask someone to pray for you! You won't regret it.

Called to Know God.

If you are new around here and have not been following along the last few weeks, I'm starting a year-long endeavor here on my blog! I haven't been this excited for a project of this length since, well, never. Because, a whole year? It's kinda long and probably a big commitment. But, with a monthly plan and paring back on other endeavors, I am committed and ready to see where this takes us.

My purpose in all this is not just to have something fun to study or interesting to share, but I see it as something valuable I can investigate along with others. Understanding our Calling and searching for meaning are endeavors with no definitive end in sight. There will always be more to know, more to figure out, more to take action upon. But the aims in life that will always be the same are the things God specifically calls us to. They are the same whether you have ambition to be an artist, an engineer, a teacher or to work in sales. We can pursue these Calls upon our life and I suspect they will help us live better, with more joy, and more confidence. Who doesn't want that?

Over the next 12 months I am going to offer a prompt each month for exploring a specific action, a certain way to be, or a certain gift to receive that is part of our Calling as Christians. January's Call is "to Know God."

Each post for the new month will include some questions. Some of them will be used each month, and some are more specific to that particular month's Call. I will also have a scripture or two that we can anchor our Call upon and help remind us of the purposes we have in life that are solid and true.

Let's start!

January: to Know God.

Questions:

1 - What does this mean?

2 - Am I answering this call now? How or how not?

3 - What can I do to actively pursue this call?

4 - How do I think pursuing this call could change my daily life?

5 - What are some important things to know about God?


Bible Verse: 

"And this is eternal life, that they would know you the only true God, 

and Jesus Christ whom you have sent." 

John 17:3

What I hope to Discover:

I hope being more intentional to Know God will help me feel more peace in my struggles, more security in the ways I am insecure, and a better, more heavenly perspective on my life. 

The first thing I am going to do is look through the bible at different verses that speak directly to what it means to Know God. I'm also going to listen to a couple books on Hoopla or my Library's audio book app. Here are the two I am starting with:

Knowing Christ Today - by Dallas Willard

Walking with God - by John Eldredge

I can't recommend these books wholeheartedly yet, as they are new to me, but I would love it if you did end up reading or listening to them and telling me what you think! I have read other books by both of these authors and do find them theologically sound as far as I know. For sure, the Dallas Willard book will take some brain-effort, just so you know :)

Lastly, there are a few ways you can participate in this with me.

1 - Join our Facebook Group! Anyone can join and you are free to participate as little or as much as you want. I will post other questions along the way and you'll have an easier time interacting with others there as well.

2 - Sign up for my Monthly Newsletter or Blog posts. There is a free download to be had when you sign up, and there will be monthly freebies as well.

3 - Follow me on Instagram @jojococamo. I post all kinds of things about my life on there but as I muse, think, and pray I am sure to post little tidbits regarding this endeavor here and there. Plus, I love following you (if you're into that kind of thing) and seeing what your life is like.

4 - Lastly, if you don't sign up for the newsletter or blog post alerts, you can always just check in monthly here on the blog. I will have a new post on the 1st of each month and then a follow up near the end, revealing my thoughts, insights, expectations, and actions.


That's it for now! Are you excited? What are you hoping to find here? I hope we can be a good example of a flourishing, growing community of believers and move with confidence in the things God calls us to. Have a blessed New Year. I can't wait to hear from you!

That One Word Thing.

Every year I have a group of friends that is insanely dedicated to picking out and praying over one word to encompass, shape, and influence the coming year. These friends plan to cling to their word, to think over what it means, hoping to make great progress in whatever that word is. I've seen friends pick words like Faith, Bravery, Hope, or Present, and I don't doubt that these are great ideals to embrace. Still, I felt like it was a little too cheesy for my serious self.

I'm wondering if you can see where this is going. I saw more and more friends choosing their words for this year and I continued to roll my eyes. Terrible, I know. And it's just like God to suddenly put a word on my heart and get my thoughts rolling it over and over again in my mind.

I was initially resistant because I want more than to just pick a word and think about it. I want it to impact my entire year. I want to learn what it really means and how it should shape my life. And then I got a wild idea, and I'm obsessing over it like you wouldn't believe.

So to clarify, yes, I jumped on this One Word train. One morning, after being totally judgmental about someone else's word choice, I suddenly thought of the word "called" and have not been able to get it out of my mind. But I plan to do much more than think or pray over this word, though those are both valuable and important things to do. Ready for the big plan? I'm still not completely sure how this will all go down, and my plans are sure to change along the way, but as of now, here is what I am going to do.

Each month I will focus on a separate facet of what it means to be Called. Often, when we think of our "calling," it feels very vague, mysterious, clouded in wonder and hope, but always feeling a little bit out of our grasp or comprehension. We spend countless hours fantasizing over this "calling" while constantly being told that when we know exactly what "it" is we will understand our place in this world. But how does that help us live today? Should all our focus really be on finding out what this special "calling" is? Or are there other ways to figure it out without being too self-absorbed and miss out on other opportunities?

The truth is we are Called to many things. And for the most part, they are all something to do, someone to be, or something to receive. So I've picked out 12 different "callings" and I am going to hash out a new one every month. I'll give you the big reveal January 1st and then at the end of each month I'll share what I'm learning, along with some questions to help you work through this process right along with me. My hope is that during each month I will grow more and more deeply in my convictions, in my knowledge of who I am supposed to be, how I am supposed to live, and be better at trusting God with all of the circumstances of my life. Ultimately, I want to understand God better and live for Him more freely, with more reckless abandon and confident happiness. Sounds pretty lovely, right?

Here is how you can do this with me!

First off, subscribe to my monthly newsletter and you'll be reminded about the new facet of being Called we'll be working through that month. I know, maybe you already signed up for my newsletter and have only received one; that is completely my fault. Doing all this writing, tutoring, homeschooling at a new level, and Fall sports put me in a bad place, a place where only the absolutely most important things in my life got done. I'm still figuring out what gives me life and energy, and I am making better decisions about what I can or can't do. None-the-less, if you sign up for my newsletter, you WILL get to be a part of these 12 Months of Called.

Next, check in on my blog every month. If I were you, I'd even get a cheap notebook and write down some of the questions and thoughts you have along the way. I'll be sharing how I answer my own questions, but maybe God will be speaking to you in a different way, and chances are, you'll want to remember that.

Here are some of the types of questions I'll be asking:

- How does understanding this Call more deeply help me live better?
- How does knowing this Call change my life-goals?
- How does living by this Call change the way I should act?
- Is the way I am acting right this second in line with what I know?

These are healthy things to ask when you are learning anything, but I think it's especially important when it comes to understanding what we are Called to be, to do, and to receive. Calling is a lot less mysterious and far more practical than we make it out to be. I'm learning that God doesn't want to keep me in the dark about how I am supposed to live and what I am supposed to pursue, and I'm thrilled to be headed down this path of better understanding what it means to be Called.

Lastly, join our Facebook Group. I will post links to the blog posts and probably do a few giveaways too :) It will likely be the same content, but more personal interaction will be happening there.

As a little Christmas gift I will give you a hint before I wrap this up. In January, we'll explore the ultimate calling we have as Christians: to know God and enjoy Him forever. I'm convinced this doesn't just mean in eternity. Jesus brought the Kingdom to earth and we are meant to live in the enjoyment of His promises and presence here today too! From February on, we'll look at the smaller pieces under that big call, thinking through what kind of people we are called to be, how we are called to act toward others, and the different things God calls us to receive as gifts from Him. As we get going, I am convinced that all of these make a difference not just in our lives overall, but they shape individual moments in our days.

This is what I'm after; knowing God's Call in such a way that I can live with complete confidence, genuine joy, and perpetual peace.

Again, here is the link to sign up for my newsletter. I am excited to explore this with friends and sisters, with people who want to know the Lord better and are ready to seek Him out. His promises of wisdom and being found are what I will be clinging to in all of this (Deut. 4:29, Jer. 29:13, Matt. 4:7, Acts 17:27, James 1:5-8). Remember these as you pray and get ready for a New Year, and remember you are not going at it alone!

So who is with me? Feel free to ask questions in the comments, and tell me what you hope to find along this journey together. And in case you aren't excited yet, you just wait! I'm pretty sure my level of excitement is enough for at least 10 people :)

Merry Christmas, and see you January 1st!

Daily Staples of Love.

I feel like I have done a lot of growing up this previous year. Not just learning a few life lessons here and there, or because of all the intentional studying I've done, or that I've simply become more knowledgeable about life in general. But I truly feel as if I am finally gaining some wisdom about how to live a good life and I am working hard, begging God to make these new habits a part of who I am, the way I naturally live.

Several books I have read this summer, or am currently reading, have contributed to this growth tremendously. And while watering my potted plants out back the other day, a lot of these separate ideas and random thoughts were connecting in my mind. I recently read something totally unrelated that connected well with these ideas I've been wanting to share with you and I hope they encourage your heart and bring you peace.

I'm sure you're all familiar with Aesop's fable The Tortoise and the Hare. The unlikely candidate wins the race (don't worry, I'm not talking any politics in this post) and the fastest, most able, most likely candidate loses. And what was the determining factor? Was his mindset to blame, or his actions? Which came first, the chicken or the egg? If his mindset was different, surely his actions would have been different as well, you think?

I'm seeing what an impact our thought-life has on our actions. This is not just popular psychology  either, the bible talks about it too! See Romans 8:5-6 and 12:2, 2 Corinthians 10:5.

Just like the hare, it's easy to let what we think is going on around us dictate our choices, instead of letting what we know is right and good determine what we do.

This is giving me more reason to pause and consider what I'm doing, how I'm reacting, and what I am dwelling on more throughout the day. Our thoughts shape our physical minds and that should cause us to take what we think more seriously. What we think about ourselves, the God we serve, the family we love, and the life we live hugely impacts the actions we take throughout the day and throughout our lives. Not just the major, life-altering decisions, but the little choices that pile up. They carve the path we travel and cumulatively create the life we live.

Being a homeschooler, I have tried to make my home a haven for my family. We are here a lot, and I want it to be peaceful, relatively tidy, and a period of life my kids will look back on with fondness. I should say now, I am not naturally gifted in this, and I don't feel like I do a great job. Since our move to this new house, I've been trying to be more intentional about it, but it so easily slips my mind. I can definitely see when my kids are more on edge because of my mood, but I'm not very good at those small daily habits of keeping my attitude in check or keeping my reactions from getting out of hand. I forget that cleaning the whole house at once is miserable, as is dealing with a ton of negative emotions in one sitting (read: sob-fest), but if I can just do a little of the work every day, both emotionally and physically in my home, it will feel less overwhelming to tackle and navigate.

As I was watering some plants the other day, some of these thoughts and pieces came together. Watering the plants out back was originally Asher's chore, but he has not taken to it as well as I hoped, and I've often been too distracted or too tired to remember to remind him to do it. So, on random mornings, I'll go out there by myself and gain a few moments of solitude. These plants, they are not doing so well. Some are dying, a few are totally dead, and some will get to looking very wilty then perk back up again after a few continuous days of watering. All of these plants need more than just a big soaking here and there. They need a bit of water every day. The same goes for so many things in life for us.

This is one of my more regularly watered plants... it's less green than when I got it, but surviving better than the plants outside. 

My kids need more than just an intense season of schoolwork, a few deep conversations about God, or random spurts of love and affection from me. It is the small, daily actions that add up to the life of abundant peace and joy I so desperately want for my kids. 

My kids need a regular diet of hearing God's word, of receiving affection from me, of having their minds stimulated by truth and beauty. And in regards to enjoying life and having lots of opportunity, sometimes the big, huge thing we think will be memorable for a lifetime turns out to be a big flop. For me, it's the little things my parents did that I remember most fondly, habits of spending time with us, or just enjoying being together.

This has been a comforting revelation for me, as we are not big vacationers and don't do any camping, and as my summer has been a bit more "me-centered" than I intended. The guilt over not giving my children what I see other moms giving theirs has been hard for me to navigate. One lifestyle does not fit all families, and I know what my kids need better than anyone else, but it's hard to fight feeling like I could be doing more for them. And while yes, a vacation to Disneyland sounds like a blast, it is not what will make my children's lives wonderful. More importantly, my daily attitude and interactions with them is what will enable them to get the most out of life.

It will never be the rare, extravagant vacations or sparse, exotic experiences that determine the outcome of their hearts and lives.

If you struggle with feeling let down after big plans have been made or large events have been thrown, or if you have a hard time figuring out what to do to make your home more life-giving, don't think that a magnificent vacation or elaborate birthday party will make everything magically wonderful. Those are blips of fun and excitement thrown in, not the foundation of your lives together. It is the daily grind that will either grind you down or polish you up. It is the moment-by-moment interactions with your children that will shape how they see themselves and how they see the world around them.

I do want to talk more about little habits and tricks you can implement, just small things to help you see how easy it can be to get your mind into a better space, but that will have to wait for another day. The big task I am working on right now is making my daily reactions to the kids better. Instead of being frustrated with the continual questions, I am setting clearer boundaries (with explanations) for them, then giving them my full attention when it is needed and appropriate. Instead of being in a huff about having to help my four-year-old with something, I try to act like I am glad to serve her (because really, I should be happy to help) and make sure I actually see her, acknowledge her, and notice something I love about her during those small moments.

These little tasks might seem silly or inconsequential, but it is building a habit of appreciating my children and teaching them how to love and live with other people. It's taking actions I know are good and beneficial and putting them into my life intentionally. I want to naturally enjoy chatting with my kids, but if I only do this when it's convenient for me, my kids will pick up on this and no longer strive for my attention.

Overall, I am learning that these small habits, the little ways I act, and the little ways I react to others, make a large, long-term impact. Sadly, I'm not usually very impressed by my own actions or reactions, and I definitely need God's help in aligning my life with the way He wants me to live. Little by little, my heart is being filled, my mind is being renewed, and my kids are being loved. It might not look glamorous or exciting, but over the course of their lives it will look like love, commitment, intentionality, sacrifice... all the things they will need to understand and observe in order live a good life.

If I could encourage you in one thing today, it would be to love them well in any small way you can find. Don't let discouragement about what you can't do, rob you of what you can do. Water the people in your life every day! Don't wait until you have something fantastic planned. Wipe those bottoms with a sweet smile for your child, answer their questions with a "yes dear" instead of a "what!?", and tell them what a gift they really are every chance you get. Make love and encouragement a staple in your home. Do it every day and enjoy the growth you will find all around you.





*In case you are curious, here are affiliate links to some of the books I have been enjoying that have contributed to some of my thinking:

A Hunger for God by John Piper
The Road Back to You by Ian Morgan Cron and Suzanne Stabile
The Growth Mindset Coach by Annie Brock
The Happiness Advantage by Shawn Achor
Anchored In by Micah Maddox

Leaving On a Jet Plane.

It's that time of year again! Time for me to hop on a plane, endure a LONG flight, and be blessed beyond what I can imagine. Seriously, it's that great.

SheSpeaks is a Christian women's Writing and Speaking conference, and the team at Proverbs 31 Ministries really goes all out on our behalf. Meals are amazing, the setting is gorgeous, and content is motivating, bible-based, and ever-so-practical. There are loads of books for sale, even more lovely women who have the same burning passion to share God's compelling truth with others, and an enormous amount of great conversation.

Last year I met handfuls of women I loved, and thankfully, I have kept in touch with many of them! It's been incredibly fruitful to be connected with these Christian Writers and Speakers. They bless me through their persistence, their failings, their advice, and their friendship. You know who you are ladies :)

This year, I decided to take the Writer's Track and meet with a couple publishers. I have been working half-heartedly on several book ideas, and I figured having a set appointment with a professional would gently force me to get going on them. It worked, that's for sure! So Friday evening and Saturday evening I get to meet with two different leading women in the publishing industry. I feel well prepared, but I also know this is simply dipping my toes into this world. I cannot wait to glean from them, hear their opinion of my ideas, and make even more progress with my writing and sharing.

In most settings like this, it's rare for someone to walk away with a book deal solidified. Instead, many walk away with contacts in the industry and a plan for refining, pitching your idea again later, and the only real promise you may get is for LOTS of work ahead. But honestly, I am up for that! I am here to learn, not to land a book deal. I am flying across the country to fellowship and grow, not for the sake of my own name or career, but for God's glory, for His plan. And while all these things will hopefully culminate to my book coming to life someday, what I really want is to be used by God so that others know Him better. This is the phrase I am going to repeat to myself over and over when I get nervous, when I over-analyze my outfits, and as I do my makeup. All the surface stuff, all the "results" from my time, are in God's worthy, capable hands, and I can most definitely trust Him to do something wonderful, no matter what it looks like to me.

If you don't follow me on Instagram yet, I want to give you a heads up: I started a more formal account that will pertain to just my writing, blogging, and speaking. There will be weekly encouragement, and at least monthly giveaways! Right now, I am giving away the book Uninvited by Lysa Terkeurst. Go find me @joellenlarmstrong and enter right away. The drawing is tomorrow - yay!

I hope this week is life-giving for you, no matter where your responsibilities take you. I can't wait to share more with you this year, and be sure to come back next week for an update on my time at SheSpeaks. Here are just a couple pics from last year - such good memories!

Flying solo! Also, PDX carpet rules.

I was SO nervous. My only coping mechanisms were deep breaths, prayers, and selfies.

It was awesome to sit up front and listen to Lysa share tips to getting your best idea for a book out of your soul and onto paper.

They had such a lovely set-up for getting photos taken!

All the ladies from the Suite 314 Speaking Group.

And last, but not least, both ladies names Sarah May were in one of my first sessions... sitting one row apart. God is so funny like that. They are both wonderful! 

Alive and Not Brainless.

Yes, I am still alive ;)

Thank goodness for Instagram and Facebook, otherwise you might really think I had dropped off the face of the earth!

This summer is going to be a very busy time for our family. Now that we are mostly settled into our new home, regular life has continued to barge in, interrupt plans, mark up our calendar, and demanded us to make decisions. Yeah, I could cry. We don't do well with busy, and we've mostly been able to keep commitments low in order to accommodate the attempt at sanity, but the kids are getting more social, more needy, and both Mark and I seem to be in more demand. It's all wonderful, enriching, good stuff (well, maybe not his job, but the other stuff), but life definitely feels a bit full.

I'm not actually going to tell you about all the things we are busy with, or even how to cope with feeling too full of busyness, but I just wanted to chime in about some things I've been learning lately regarding understanding God's Word.

Last weekend I went to a Simeon Trust workshop at a local church and was deeply encouraged in several ways. Not only did I learn more about the gospel of Mark (the book, not my husband), but while I was doing all this learning and beating away self-doubt, God was also confirming some things in my life that I am making progress in, both personally and educationally. I have a really hard time taking criticism, so the fact that I was not completely breaking down while presenting my biblical exegesis to a small group of women I've never met before is amazing. They were encouraging, helpful, and inspiring to say the least.

I also felt God confirming this call to grow in my knowledge of the bible and my endeavors to teach the bible. I have always kind of mixed the bible in with what I am sharing and observing, but I also want to make sure God's Word has it's proper place in all of what I share with you. It's not a side-note, or a helpful little chime-in to what I'm dealing with or wanting to say. It is truly central to our lives. And if we are not giving it that place, we need to change.

Our church is doing a short book study on Habits of Grace by David Mathis. His premise is that we can place ourselves under the spigot of God's ever-flowing grace by dedicating ourselves to being in His Word, hearing His voice through prayer & meditation, and placing ourselves in His community by being committed to a body of believers. This is not a guarantee of gaining blessing, getting healing, or having our problems solved, rather, it's how we spend time knowing God better. His grace changes how we go about our days, which changes how we live our lives. Learning and growing and reading this book are changing me to be more dedicated to simple practices like reading the bible and then just sitting and thinking about it, instead of rushing off to the next thing. Or keeping track of my thoughts as they come, instead of waiting to write a blog-post about them, and being able to see how God is speaking to me over time.

I realized how little I look at God's word with the intention of knowing it well and understanding it fully earlier this week. We read a verse out of a kid's devotional book and I put it up on our little board because I loved it so much. We love to think that Jesus leads us to paths of peace...

After being at the Simeon Trust workshop all weekend, I decided to look in Luke at where this verse came from and what it meant. Hint: it's not the easy, lovely answer you are looking for. 

This part of Luke is where Zechariah is speaking over his baby (John the Baptist) just after his birth. This section of verses is about John and Jesus, so here is what the full ESV actually says this in verses 76-79...

"And you, child, will be called the prophet of the Most High;

for you will go before the Lord to prepare his ways,

to give knowledge of salvation to his people

in the forgiveness of their sins,

because of the tender mercy of our God, 

whereby the sunrise shall visit us from on high

to give light to those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death,

to guide our feet into the way of peace."

So yes, this is about what Jesus will do: bring light to use and offer us a way out of death, darkness and strife. But isn't there more? John didn't just give a call to be happy because we will have peace of earth, he called the people to repentance, to turn from their sin! While I was so thankful for this chance to read, understand, and think about what these verses are saying to us, I was also a little frustrated that this children's devotional had really pulled this verse out of context and formed a message around it that was incomplete. 

Don't we do this a lot? We think of the one verse that brings us comfort in trials, or a certain chapter that helps us feel better about our circumstances? We take a small bit of what someone said and apply it blindly to our lives. This ought not be! We are capable adults, and it is not just wise, but extremely important for us to be in the word ourselves and sharing more than just a verse or two with our children as it comes up. We need to strive to understand the bible in a way the gives our children and our circle of influence a complete picture of Jesus, life, and redemption, not just a band-aid for the painful aspects of life. 

I have not done a great job this with my kids. We read a little devotional, and we do talk a lot about the bible, what it means, and what it calls us to, but now I really see that my kids need more than this. We all need more of this, right?

My plan is to read larger chunks of the bible to my kids for our devotional time which probably happens only 3-4 days a week. And before you freak out, by larger I simply mean five to ten verses instead of just one or two. Aren't we able to invest that small effort of just five or ten minutes and the actual Word of God into our kids, instead of someone else's version of it? 

This month has certainly been  humbling month, but I am blessed that God is still working in me, shaping me, and blessing me with friendships, service roles, being served, and hopefully seeing the world more clearly. I guarantee that extra bible-reading time will change your life. Don't believe for second that it is not worth the sacrifice! 

If you are local, and interested in chatting more about David Mathis' book, feel free to pop into our study, or ask me if we can get together. You know I absolutely love to chat about what I'm learning. And it would be amazing to see your face in person :)

I hope you are all enjoying the sun. May it be a blessing to your soul and lead you to enjoying God to the fullest! 

On Not Being a Quitter.

Gosh, yesterday I wanted nothing more than to be a giant quitter. I know I'm not the only mom to find herself here, but it still doesn't feel great.

I like to think I'm just very busy, maybe slightly over-committed, but this really isn't true in regards to time. It is extremely true in regards to mental energy. For some reason, our culture views the need for down-time, quiet moments, and private reflection as a weakness, for those who don't quite have it together enough. I know this is becoming less of an assumption as it used to be, but while it may not be looked down upon as much, it's still feels like people presume if you are capable of more, you are more worthy of high regard, or just better in general. I'm sure most of my friends and family would not say this flat-out, but I feel a pressure, or maybe an expectation, to fill almost every minute of my day with productivity and usefulness. Needs at church, needs in friendships, needs in my marriage, needs of my children, and the constant pull to do my absolute best in every single endeavor - lately it feels like more than my mind, body, and soul can tolerate.

Yesterday, nothing in particular triggered this quitting response, but at the end of every finished task, there was another task, sitting impatiently, waiting to be picked up and executed. Floors, laundry, schoolwork, dinner, fight-club interventions, etc. There just isn't enough of me to do it all, which is fine when you can hire out the cooking, the laundry, the learning, or the childcare, but those are things we haven't upgraded to quite yet. And for some reason, I'm too stubborn to give up my other endeavors to better balance the demands of my household - I'm still not sure what that means for my future, but I was definitely too stubborn about all of it yesterday.

I get in this funk where I look at all the things on my plate, and since they cannot all be done at maximum effort, I'd rather not do a single one. I long to quit everything. I dream about escaping to a magical, tropical island with little to no responsibility. I am not sure exactly what I'd do with all the time, or with any of my life at that point, but this all-or-nothing fire rages and consumes almost every rational thought in my head until I'm furious about the 10 crumbs that got knocked off a kitchen counter after I had swept and mopped. I sure hope I'm not alone.

Last night, while I was still taking deep breaths, breathing in my happy-oils, and trying to vent a little here on my blog, I started taking steps toward not believing all the lies that keep me in that all-or-nothing mode. Voices tell me that since I started something, I need to finish it. Assumptions linger about what that lady or this person thinks about my capabilities. My inner person taunts that if I can't be the best, I am wasting my time. Doubts creep all about, making me wonder what on earth I am actually doing with my life. All of these things going on in my head need to be shut out so I can enjoy what's going on right now, but I can't seem to quiet them as quickly as I'd like.

I have made improvements. I don't doubt myself as much as I used to. I am mostly okay with not being the absolute best. And I'm pretty darn sure my kids are on a great path, learning all kinds of important things and growing in their ability to think about the world. They have more opportunity than I did as a child, so my guilt over wanting to give them more needs to take a back seat. In order to talk myself down from this level of crazy, I work hard at telling myself the truth, because from there my path is far less confusing, overflowing with grace, and leads to the ultimate destination. But telling myself the truth has to be more than just a positive word, or an uplifting song. The only truths worth clinging to are the ones found in God's word. And if I'm not going there when I feel like quitting, I'm not filling up my mind with any sort of goodness strong enough to dispel the lies attempting to make a home in my brain.

So today, while I don't have any particular choices I am looking for wisdom about, I find that I need a general wisdom to help me know how to interact with my children, my friends, and my spouse in ways that show honor, respect, and sincerity. I need wisdom about what is right, on how to think more rightly, so I can act more rightly. And James 1:5 is a guarantee I cling to...

"If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him."

It's humbling to ask for wisdom when you don't actually want to change, but I know I can't stay in these trenches forever, wanting to quit every other day or acting like a jerk because I'm unhappy with myself. I'm not sure why it's so hard to ask God for good things. I know "good things" doesn't always  mean easy, fun, fulfilling, but the end results are always worth it. If I can just remember that God's ideas of absolute best is the only idea that matters, the only thing I need to embrace, my quitting days will be fewer and far between. I don't have to be the best, the most, the awesomest, or the greatest, just willing to embrace the here, the now, the ugly, the not-so-fun, and whatever else happens to show up. It will truly have to be God-enabled, but I'm pretty sure it'll be worthwhile.

I hope you can relate to this struggle. And I hope my struggle enables you to take courage in yours. It's not just you, it's not just your situation, and it's not just our culture. Our world is falling apart, and the only solid rock we have is God - His promises, His path of redemption, His love.

On Being and Giving.

Last summer, I read Madeleine L'engle's book A Circle of Quiet per the recommendation of a friend of mine, Angela. She's an avid reader and an excellent writer, so I trusted her recommendation without question. If you remember, I more than loved it. It was indescribable to read pages from a woman's mind that seemed to come from my own, except, said better and with far more life experience and adventure than I feel able to bring. Anyway, I keep coming back to the word Madeleine was fixated on: ontology.

Actually, I don't care much for the word, but I am intrigued by the concept: Being.

I love accomplishing tasks. Big or small, if they get done and I can show evidence of the validity of my accomplishments, I am one happy woman. Not for long though, as there is always more to do, more to prove, more to achieve. But the older I get, the more I want to be loved for who I am, not just for what I do. This is great for the saved, because it isn't our sinful nature that defines us, but our being children of God that determines our worth. And I'm finding my happiness is linked to this difference in thinking too: we are not what we do, but who we are becoming.

This idea keeps popping up in everything I do, all the movies I watch, all the books I read, and many of the interactions I have with my kids. Finding our center, our being, the part of us that God made tick a specific and purposeful way, is going to bring us more peace than any other endeavor on earth. Like it or not, we will not find that peace if our hunt in not centered on God. It is only in Him that we find any purpose worthwhile.

He did not create us so we can glory in ourselves, and a major part of our purpose in being created by God is to have fellowship with Him. Our being brings Him glory, and His glory brings us happiness. It's insanely simple and completely generous.

Consider this. When I look at the ocean, the more I know about it, the more I experience it, the more I see amazing life within it, then the more peace reigns over me while I am there. When I look at flowers, the more familiar they become, the more I can name them accurately, the more I can tell their smells apart, then the more of a joy they are to me. Are you seeing the trend? The more we know the being of something, the more beautiful it is to us. This is true for God, and true for ourselves. The more we know God, the more we enjoy Him. The more we live true to the spark of creativity and potential He put within each of us, the more we are glad to be us. We must always give all credit to God for His amazing design, grace, and purpose, but we have to also recognize the incredible beauty He planted in each of us.

So here are my two pieces of advice to be happy with you, with your particular and original being, and I do not give these independent from knowing God - that is the first must!

1. Look at yourself less. I know, it seems weird to love yourself more by looking at yourself less, but it really is true. The more you focus on what you are now, the less time and energy you have to become the person God is shaping you to be - wonderful, perfectly formed, and a blessing to others. Stop looking in the mirror so much, stop thinking about what you could have done, and stop wishing to be something other than the current version of yourself.

2. Give kindness. It's the best way to be the best you. Recently, I read a snippet about how trying to please others doesn't actually please them, but being a happy and pleasant person to be around is what actually pleases other people. If we think more about smiling at our children, paying attention to the needs of others, and being gentle towards those we encounter, the joy we spread will outnumber the stars and cause us to be more in line with the purposes God has for us. You won't feel deprived of self-care, but you will be blessed by spreading love so generously, by having God's Spirit moving through you.

That seems really easy, completely over-the-top dumbed down. Maybe it is, but I know it works. When I smiled and waved at my daughter on her bike the other day, her surprise quickly turned to joy in both of our hearts. When I encouraged my son to do the same thing on her next trip around the sport-court, we tripled the joy between us. We all became a little more us, a little more the way God wants us to be: giving, joyful, purposeful, pleasant.

As the joy quickly turned to the grumps in our house, I reminded my son "It doesn't matter what you get in this life, it's what you give that makes the difference". It's also what makes you specifically you. What you give to others is part of the intentional design of our creator. The ocean gives awe, flowers give cheer, clouds give rain and inspiration, and those qualities, along with thousands of others, are what make each of these creations uniquely divine. So it is with us.

What you give is forming you every day, both in your own being and in your being towards others. If you want to be happy with who you are, or content with what is going on in your life, think less about you and think more about what you can give. It's the upside-down way to peace, and it was God's upside-down way to redemption as well, in giving us His Son. My prayer is that my life will lead you to aim high in enjoying your giving, whatever that looks like for you. Giving up vices, or giving up time, giving up bad attitudes, or giving away your cash. What we give says more about who we are than our words can ever articulate. You were made to give life, and God empowers us to give more than we can imagine, even more than exists within us. That is the biggest blessing in our giving - feeling the movement of God in our lives. Enjoy becoming who you are meant to be by loving the act of giving. It does not lead to loss, but to the greatest abundance you can imagine, and more.

Funky Town.

In case you've watched Parenthood... no, that kind of funky town ;)

I have been in a bit of a writing funk lately. Actually, maybe just an overall funk.

Closing on the house got delayed... again. And again, and probably will one more time. But who really knows, because our brokers are not exactly being communicative anymore. Fun, right?

I had already scheduled the painters, given our rental agency a move-out date, hired movers for our really big stuff, and was going to call Stanley Steemer, but now I need to rearrange all of that. I've actually been waiting until the last-minute to initiate all our utilities for fear of closing getting delayed, and I'm super glad I did. Our signing date was going to put us in a pinch because of a High School event I need to attend in my hometown, but now we don't even know when signing will be, so we're waiting on that detail. And I'm trying really hard not to look at the house with too much longing. I know it's just a building, and I want my hope to be on Christ and His work, but this has still been a trying process.

In reality, this is all just regular life stuff. No terrible road bumps, no deaths in the family, no financial disaster (unless you count spending all our savings next week), no threat of my husband losing his job, no crises or drama that is completely out of the ordinary. Not for me at least, but there are many for which this week has been filled with far more uncertainty than I can imagine.

In all of the recent drama with Trump's executive orders I have been forced me to look more closely at the lives of refugees and immigrants around the world. My housing troubles seem very small in comparison to the lives many of these people are enduring. I don't even enjoying hiking with my kids sometimes, because they whine and bicker over the course of one or two miles. I cannot imagine endless hours of walking through dangerous territories, or on over-filled life-rafts, or wandering aimlessly through packed tent cities. And this is just a small area of the world, not including the villages, cities, and countries enduring massive poverty and danger on a regular basis. It is heart-breaking, eye-opening, and humbling.

I read a really great article by David Platt about the way Christians should respond, and I think you will benefit from reading it too. If you are not a Christian, I hope you will still read it and see that this is the heart of Jesus, the desire of God - the protect, offer refuge, and give hope.

I am sharing all of these things for a couple reasons. I want you to be updated with our house-stuff. For some reason, a bunch of you are interested in it ;) I also want you to consider your responses to those you witness enduring hardship. Are you cold, uninterested in what you can do for others? Or are you compassionate, but possibly lacking ideas on how to participate in helping those in need? Or maybe you are already actively serving, helping, meeting needs to those less fortunate. In every circumstance, difficult or easy, I think J.F.K.'s quote seems very appropriate: "And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you - ask what you can do for your country."

I know there are extremely varied opinions about what is best for our country, but we can all look at our family, our friends, and our neighbors, and ask what is best for each of them. Jesus did not look at what was best for himself, but what was best for those around him, for us. If we can take our eyes off our own troubles and can serve those around us with a genuine interest in their well-being, our country will be transformed, person by person, neighborhood by neighborhood. It's too easy to wallow in the challenges we face, but the world needs us to take our eyes off ourselves and get to the hard work of serving each other.

Witnessing all of this uncertainty, both in my own life and seeing it in the lives of others, I am learning how little I actually need to know in order to be an agent of love. It's easy to think we need to figure things out and wrap our minds around everything going on in order to be of use, but it simply isn't true. Loving and serving are effective tools in creating relationship, being a positive impact, and making the world a better place. While our words can be lasting and powerful, our actions are proof of those words. They confirm the words we speak (or type) are true.

As you go about your week, I hope you'll consider the correlation between your words and your works. I hope that for every time you think about your own problems, you are praying for the problems of others. I hope your days are not filled with self-consumption, but investment in the people around you. While history often only highlights people of prominence, it is the individual people of our world who make our lives better, and if we are busy making the lives of other people great, our world will be great as well. Check in with your kids, your spouse, your friends, and your co-workes - see what you can do to make their lives better, not for the sake of being a great person, but for the sake of showing the greatness of genuine love.

My Big Three and My Biggest Plan.

I love New Years, and I usually make some resolutions, but this year I just never got around to putting them down on paper. After reading The Accidental Creative last year, how I look at my life and my perspective on making progress have changed. I don't think having a bunch of goals is necessarily the best way to ensure you accomplish what you hope to, so instead I'm choosing to narrow my focus and make plans along certain priorities.

In his book Todd Henry recommends having a "Big Three", three main priorities you are always looking at, three goals for the month, three projects, etc. More than three and you're spread too thin. Less than three and you'll get easily distracted and stop moving forward. So what are my big three? Aside from my service to God and my family (which always come before everything else), I am focusing on...

- Homeschooling
- Writing
- My Oils Business

Each week and each month I will have certain objectives and planned tasks in order to keep me on track. I'll have to actually look at my planner, but more on that later. I want to spend a short amount time here on the blog on each of those priorities, and today I'll start with homeschooling.

Several days ago, I was in a major funk. Hardly functioning really, just taking care of daily stuff, completely irritable, and hardly able to think a single thought to completion. I was certainly not my best self. In all reality, I get like this semi-frequently, maybe every other month or so, it's really hard to nail down why. Anyway, I felt like my life was always going to be this under-whleming normal, the person who is always needed, and while often appreciated, I just wasn't feeling like the this life was the best use of myself. I was spending a lot of time thinking about my goals, my ambition, my lack of energy, my giant load of responsibility, and none of it was fitting together enough to make sense.

As I scrolled through Instagram (for maybe the tenth time that day), I came across a friend's post where she quoted a few lines from a book a friend gave her. I don't know all the people I need to thank for making that happen, but Amanda is one if them for sure! Here it is:

"When we are consumed by God's glory, we forget to worry about our own. When our eyes are fixed on Him as the source of all goodness and truth and beauty, we accept that we are not. When we are enamored by His worth and majesty, we can stop being so enamored with ourselves. And fascinatingly, when we seek God's glory, we'll be able to appreciate it in the people around us. Instead of seeing them as threats to our own glory, we will see them as beautiful reflections of His."

This quote is by Hannah Anderson in her book Humble Roots.

Isn't that the perfect reminder? I was so busy trying to figure out my own life, I could not even begin to enjoy my role or look for the silver linings in all the difficult parts of being a homeschool mom, much less lovingly invest in my kids (which is the pretty much the whole point). What makes this quote, this truth, even more refreshing is that our current culture doesn't say this, and much of popular Christianity today does not say this. Famous authors, accomplished people, and many well-known Christian women tell us to look in our heart, to find our true desires, and make those dreams happen. At what point do we admit that our hearts are askew and maybe we have no clue what is really best for our lives?

We are so focused on ourselves that we despise the "inconveniences" we encounter every day, and we miss all the things God is putting in our way to lead us down a better path. If that path is more tumultuous, more painful, or simply less glamorous, we despise it or question how it can possibly be good. We don't actually believe that a life filled with service, alternate plans, and less consideration about our own dreams will actually be better, more fulfilling, and more worthwhile. I think I believe this, but my heart and these tumultuous bouts with my mind prove that I don't believe it as much as I'd like to think.

So what does this have to do with my homeschooling? What I really want is to make my plans and be willing to relinquish them, to be after God's priorities in our schooling time more than my own ideas of what needs to happen and how. I made my agenda for the year, and I want to focus on meeting my kids needs in schooling above my other ambitions. I want to gladly sit down and read to them without resentment, without worrying about my other tasks, without rushing through. I want to savor them, and more than just that, I want to earnestly seek out what God is doing through our homeschooling to grow in relationship with my kids and other homeschool families.

In all of my big three priorities, I need to be reminded of one thing: God's glory is most important. My kids seeing God in my behavior is more important than my shower, bigger than the inconvenience of spilled milk, and far superior to my agenda of getting my seven-year-old to memorize three types of consumers. If I can stop, look to see how wonderful God made each of my children, and look for the way to love them well, my homeschooling endeavors will be accomplished.

For some of you, seeking God's glory might mean handing over the schooling to someone else, or maybe it means asking for help when you don't want to admit you are struggling. It is totally possible that God's glory means pursuing that fire He put in you above a lot of other things in your life. What this decision-making, priority-setting process really comes down to is willingness. How willing are you to drop one thing and move on to whatever it is God is asking you to step into? How hard are you clinging to hopes, dreams, ambitions, or goals that are not God's goals for you and your family? This is a tough pill to swallow, I hear you.

As a very ambitious, type-A, goal-oriented person, I am trying to swallow this pill the best I can. But each time I come back to this idea, every time I remember I am after God's work (not my plan), the pill slides a little further down, bringing more peace and less craziness in my brain. We need to admit we don't always know best, and confess that sometimes we are irrationally clinging to goals that do not make sense in God's kingdom. We have to see that being a person, a mom, a wife, an (insert whatever your main identity word is here), does not actually revolve around us, but around God's work, around His agenda, around His purpose for us in that role.

Why on earth would we want to miss the exciting work of God's plans being forefront in our lives? We really think we know what is best for us, but I know wholeheartedly that we don't. It's time for us to admit it, come face-to-face with the fact that our pouting is mostly about our selfish wants, and less about God's holy work. I want to want what God wants more than the other things I want (still with me?). More than I want to get my own way, more than I want to have everything under my control. I finally feel crazy and overwhelmed enough to admit I cannot figure out my life and my purpose on my own. It feels surprisingly good, I'm not sure why it always takes me so long, or why I constantly forget. The peace we can gain from simply allowing God's work to be the most important thing in our lives is completely unreal. It's not a fair trade, and we are definitely getting the better end of this deal.

Maybe this all seems a bit vague to you, so I'll tell you some tangible things I'll be doing to ensure God's work is my priority.

1. Reading my bible and praying for others will come before Instagram and Facebook. It seems like a no-brainer, but seriously, it can be a problem.

2. Speaking kindly to my children will be a daily goal, sometimes hourly, often every few minutes. Children forgive, but they are shaped by our tone, and this is something I am working really hard to get a grip on.

3. Homeschooling will come before my other priorities. Before trying to get caught up on business posts, or reading, I need to ensure I am using my time for my kids' education without resentment for how it inhibits my schedule. Their educational needs will change, and right now, and for the next three to five years, what they glean from my personal input is huge. It needs to be extremely important, set-apart, and seen as a glorious opportunity to fill my kids up with God's goodness and the beauty of the world He made.

So that's my general homeschooling agenda until summer. Overall, I'm seeing how the biggest investment opportunities we have revolve around people. People are influenced by people. Maybe they are motivated by dollars, by prizes, or prestige, but people rarely find peace, love, or a healthy identity because of those things. So in my big three I will be looking at how I can invest in others the way God would invest in them. Being a good friend, a reliable neighbor, a stable and comforting mother - these are the qualities that I want to see affecting my big three this year. And I'm convinced that as I follow God's lead in these ambitions, no matter what other hopes or dreams fall apart, I will be content knowing I've put a seed of God's love into all the passions I've pursued and into all the people I've invested in.

Regular Life.

It's been a while, huh?

I'm not entirely sure why I haven't written for a couple weeks. Life has been pretty ordinary, and my feelings are ever changing. One hour I am grateful and feeling undeservedly blessed to be living this life, then the next hour I am miserable, exhausted, complaining, and angry. Call it hormones, call it sin-nature, call it the insanity that stems from being with your kids 24/7, call it whatever you think it is, it's super annoying and becoming an old, frustrating story. 

I was going to say I never feel totally unable to cope, but that's not entirely true. I have my moments, maybe minutes, or even close to an hour every once in a while, but the demands of homeschooling and mothering a toddler force me to wake up & get stuff done, even if that stuff is wiping a bottom or helping another kid with some school-related task. I long to never feel overwhelmed, to never feel exhausted beyond repair, or to never feel crazily angry over the needs rising from those around me, kids or not. However, that longing has not been fulfilled, and I am not sure it ever will.

I have other times where I feel shamelessly awesome. I see my ambition, my creative ideas, my desire to run a successful business, my kids doing well with their learning, and I cannot help but feel pretty stinking incredible. But I know it's not because of me. It's not because of my efforts, or any innate goodness or brilliance I have. All of these good gifts are from the Father of Lights. Still, I don't know how to balance the easy and the difficult, how to endure the down periods without despair and to enjoy the wonderful times without attributing them to my own efforts. 

This struggle between these two extremes gives me constant conversation in my brain, incessantly picking apart everything I'm doing, weighing all the choices I'm making, and almost forcing me to consider each and every tiny step of my day with far too much weight of importance. Some of the thoughts that continue to linger are ...

- my readers will resent me for being ambitious. 

- my friends will fear being real with me, or asking me for help. 

- no one will support my endeavors. 

- my downfalls will look too silly for anyone to want to help me. 

- my desire for success will cause me to pursue something I shouldn't.

- my weaknesses are too awful and I will never overcome them.

- my ambition for excellence will appear as pride.

- maybe people really just don't like me at all.

Maybe these seem silly to you. Maybe you don't know me well enough to see me as someone with these kinds of insecurities. Maybe you think I'm a wimp for being unable to cope with many of these simple fears. Or maybe you can relate. Silly or not, fears take hold and guide our decisions unless we direct them to where they belong. God can defeat our fears and He wants to. All of my fears are about things that might happen, or thoughts unknown to me. Fear exists in the unknown, but God knows all. I'm seeing more clearly that overcoming my fear is rooted in trusting God with every single, tiny little thing.

As I read a devotion with the kids this morning, I read part of Psalm 139 and was reminded again how much God loves me and watches over me. 

"Oh LORD, you have searched me and known me!

You know when I sit down and when I rise up;

You discern my thoughts from afar.

You search out my path and my lying down

And are acquainted with all my ways.

Even before a word is on my tongue, 

Behold, Oh LORD, you know it altogether.

You hem me in, before and behind, 

And lay your hand upon me."

The Psalm goes on to talk about God knowing our motives, our life, our complete existence, and how little we understand of it all. This Psalm was written with David, having his own motives, earnestly telling God what he desires but ending with the same intention Jesus had: not my will, but yours. 

In all the wishy-washy ways I am wandering through my life, I hope to always end there, as David did, as Jesus did, and many other saints along the way. I want God's desires to be my desires. I want my desires to be earnest, truthful, coming from a pure heart. I know it's not fun to see my yucky motives and my bad coping mechanisms, but I want a renewed life, a free spirit, and a bold willingness to endure whatever God sees fit. Most of all, I want to do this with a joyful faith. I want to trust God enough to love it, even when I kind of hate it. 

I don't know how to attain this, and actually, I don't think it's possible without God's divine intervention. But the more I meditate on it, the more I focus on God's ability, presence, and absurd love for me, the more I see how it can happen. Then the chaos of kids, changing friendships, and an uncertain future is less scary. I'm more excited to see the next day, and less sad that it might be filled with more of the normal, average, stay-at-home drama. 

I know this doesn't give you a ton of practical use, but hopefully it will still help you strive toward being with God more often and more deeply. I'm not actually amazing, nor I am I complete mess. I am what God is making me, and I am hopeful that it will be better a year from now. And what really brings me courage and joy is knowing 100% that someday, I too will actually be perfect! Sure, it'll be the day I die, but it is also the day I will live perfect in peace, light, and love forever. 

The Best Way, The Broken Way.

Thanks again to The Blythe Daniel Agency and BlogAbout for providing a copy of this incredible book for me and for one lucky winner. This post includes my two cents on Ann’s newest book, as well as a couple affiliate links. Enjoy!

Earlier this summer, when I first saw that Ann Voskamp had a new book coming out, I added it to my wish-list right away. There was a bit of build-up in my heart about reading this book, and I was not disappointed. The Broken Way is a book you need to read now. Ann has a way of explaining truth from the gospel and truth about life in a poetic and moving way, without any hint of condemnation or comparison. I wasn’t quite sure what to expect when I read the first few pages, but I was quickly pulled in and left reeling after just one chapter. I wanted to keep reading long into the night, but I also felt the need to stop every few pages and think hard about what she was saying. 

Ann has certainly had more broken in her life than most people I know, but she never holds that pain up as a badge of honor, or puts herself on a pedestal for having endured. She talks about tragedy in her childhood, the uncertainties she faced growing up, the painful roads she took in an attempt to cope with the pain life kept giving her, and she gives us glimpses of how those affected her life then and what it is doing now. Overall, she depicts a beautiful picture of restoration, but teaches us that it is never found in the ways we expect or even hope. 

I’ve been struggling with my own selfishness lately, and while Ann never addresses this directly, she shows me through her own example that living for my own desires is not the way of Christ, nor is it actually the way to find happiness, fulfillment, fellowship with others, or even my own identity. Being broken for others means giving in a thousand different ways: giving your patience when all you want to do is freak out, allowing yourself to be kind when everything in your heart feels mean, not holding back the love you feel in case something goes wrong. 

In her book Ann uses a bunch of ideas to explain the abundance that can be found in brokenness. These ideas are based a Greek word she finds in the Bible - koinonia, meaning, communion. She gives us a perspective of what communion really is through the recent circumstances of her life. The way this word kept coming up over and over again, almost always mingled with brokenness, is truly a beautiful story despite the tragedy mixed in. She points out that we forget what to expect from life, and we are often wrong in assuming an abundant life is a "happy" life, full of pleasant circumstances. Happiness doesn’t come from ease and comfort, but from sharing, from being broken open and spilling out into the lives of those around us. Oddly, pain is the route this takes most often. Life is full of pain no matter what, and sharing our pain, giving others the chance to bear our pain, is actually a gift. When we keep the pain inside and refuse to allow others to see it, we die a slow, painful death of loneliness, heartache, and confusion.

What will stick with me most from her book is seeing that perfection does not grow us into better wives, better friends, or better people. Brokenness is where we grow, where we meet with God, where our friends become life-long safety nets. You cannot avoid being broken, and it really will bring about fruit in your life. The amount you are willing to be broken will determine the amount of growth you see in your brokenness. Being perfect, always speaking from a place of knowing fully, always having an answer for every question… these things seem good, but they are not life-giving. 

This is a lesson I need. Purposeful or not, I like to wait out my hardship until I share all about it. My friends are not fooled when I am in a dark place, my husband knows I am having a hard time, and it is easy for me to just disappear from pretty much everyone else until I can straighten it all out in my head. How do I walk that line, that little beam of being broken but not in despair, of having a hard time but not allowing it to suck me dry, and be able to share that with others from a place that isn’t filled with complaint or selfishness? Ann’s book has helped me to gain a better perspective in my broken places and I am trying to put koinonia into practice. I know reading this book and attempting real, broken, honest communion and fellowship will bless you as well, even if it is painful and difficult. 

So, do you want to open this book up? Do you want to flip these pages, get a glimpse of Ann’s heart and see God working in all of her pain? And seriously, how blessed are we that she was willing to bare it all for our benefit? 

I’m using a new little plug-in to make entering this contest super easy for you! So start entering, and I will post a winner on Saturday morning.

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Stay tuned this week for a little glimpse into how I am putting Ann's insights into practice in my life, I hope they will be a blessing to you and not just a giant complaining session, or a silly story about being ungrateful for the challenges of my (undeserved) privileged life. 

I feel like I should also say thank you to all you faithful (or first-time) readers. It's not easy to bare my heart here, to put my thoughts into my computer, beam them up to the blog, and not let their popularity determine my value. I appreciate that so many of you encourage me to keep doing it, no matter the outcome. I pray this blog is a blessing to you and I am grateful for your many kindnesses!