Getting back into homeschooling again this week has been a little rough. No one has been overly grumpy, but I've been very easily distracted. Last week we kind of took things slow, and without CC starting back up yet, I still had a bit more free time than usual. The last two days I've had to prep for tutoring, and then we'll be at CC all day tomorrow. Then later in the week, both the boys will have more work than we've had the last week and a half.
I'm not sure why this makes me so grumpy. I love what homeschooling does for my family. I guess I'm not totally content with what it requires of me. I've always been the type of person who has a side-projects and other endeavors I want to pursue, and it's true that homeschooling requires me to put those (or at least the timeline for pursuing those) on the back burner.
I finished reading my first book of the year the other day... A Severe Mercy, by Sheldon Vanauken. It was really excellent. The first 1/3 of the book was a bit slow, a little romantic and gushy for my liking. I'm not really the romantic type, so trying to relate to some of that loftiness was just whatever for me. Still, my curiosity kept me going.
I won't spoil the book, but at the very end the author begins to talk about what he's learned through the very intense trial he endured. He starts to consider time. At the beginning, him and his love saw that if their love was to last, they would have to fight against separateness all their days. But much later he saw that that he, and all of humanity, is really always fighting against time. Even in their togetherness, they were seeking a way to hold onto and keep something as long as they could. The rest of this really gets good when he begins to speculate about eternity.
I've always thought of heaven and eternity often, ever since I was little. Just realizing that I cannot comprehend it is something I like to attempt to grasp - a fun brain-teaser of sorts. But Sheldon starts thinking about the timelessness of eternity and how it frees us from so many things. We will have all the time we need to enjoy the beautiful world God has for His children. Not a moment ever wasted, never any time that got by us, never something we won't be available to enjoy. Now that is wild.
I think I never really thought about how much I fight against time. I always want more. In my more honest moments I can see that not having the time I want for the endeavors I want is what makes me a cranky woman. But after reading that bit from Sheldon, I started to realize that as God's daughter, I will have all the time I ever need for everything good I will ever do.
In my head I know that my life won't end. Yes, I will die physically, but I'll get a new, restored body with the same soul. I so easily forget that my eternal life is a continuation of this one, not a completely different one. And there is nothing I must do here on earth that God won't give me time to do. No certain success that I need to feel pressured to gain, no pressing agendas that He will just sit by and watch me fail to do. And that is a promise I can bank on today. Even when all my progress is slow, sloppy, and just plain less good than I wish it to be, I can trust that I have all the time I need to make it as He pleases.
That's the key: as He pleases.
When I am pleased with what pleases Him, then I am at rest. My own agenda will never give me rest. Sure, success feels awesome, and being thought of as awesome is even better. But really, it's living a life pleasing to God that will be the best sort of awesome feeling I can ever find. And the funny thing is, the more content I am to make that my agenda, the more I love the rest of my life.
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