When You Would.

Would has been the most difficult of these three words to wrap my mind around. While should and could definitely haunt me from time to time, would is often my fallback, the word easiest to use when I am feeling a little guilty over things in life I haven't done, events I have not participated in, or ambitions I left lying in the past.

When I first started playing around with the idea of blogging about these three words, my husband and I also started brainstorming a bit about a book. We even came up with a byline! Should, Could and Would: Learning to Live Free from Obligation, Regret, and Excuses. Sounds awesome, right? I want to live that way... until something hard comes up, and I'd rather find a really good reason to not participate, to spend my energy on myself, or do something else that seems more beneficial.

Diving right in here, take a minute to think about the full sentences you use with would.

I would have come to your event...

I would have brought them a meal...

I would have pursued that career...

In my life, would usually precedes the word but, and it's often used with an excuse. Don't get me wrong, sometimes your excuse might actually be a legitimate reason, but if you are using would regularly, there are probably some unresolved issues lingering in your heart and mind.

What I am seeing more clearly about would is helping me feel more grounded in my decisions. I have to come full circle again when I am wrestling with would and ask myself several questions to reach the heart of the issue. Did I really want to? Was I actually able to? Can I do something about it now?

For instance, your friend has a family crisis and someone sets up a meal-schedule to help them out. It's a crazy week for you and you end up missing out on being a meal-bearer that week. Before anyone questions your lack of participation, you are making excuses and giving reasons in your mind, and while it's all very understandable and legitimate, you are still struggling with guilt.  Here is one way I've found to get my heart and mind to a better place.

Did I really want to bring them a meal? Yes.

Was I able to bring them a meal? No. (insert the fact that many women might struggle with feeling guilty over it at this point)

Can I do something about it now? Yes!

If you are feeling torn up about what you were unable to do, take action now! It's never too late to call, email, or text and tell your friend you were unable to help a week or so ago, but are ready to help now. In fact, many people facing sudden crisis actually feel a bit lost and forgotten weeks after an incident, so a two-week-late response might be the timeliest act of love.

Let's use another example. If you are feeling would poking and prodding you about a missed opportunity, these questions can help you analyze if that opportunity is really gone forever or is as important as you think. For instance, I go through seasons of struggling with regret over not cultivating the artistic side of my life, specifically, learning how to paint. I took classes throughout my schooling years, but never did much beyond that. I long to do it, but somehow I just never seem to make it happen. So, I ask...

Do I really want to pursue being a painter? Maybe. I think so, someday?

Was I able to pursue it at one point? Yes.

Can I do something about it now? Yes!

I may not have the same opportunity as before, but answering these questions helps me see how much of a priority this really is, similar to the way we handled should.

What has really bothers me about dealing with would is the fact that I have to face the realities of my own laziness. Many of the things I feel frustrated about when I'm using the word would are things I kind of want, but not enough to do the hard work required. It's difficult to be that honest with myself, and I'm not exactly sure how to deal with these realities. Some pursuits are shallow, born out of a fleeting desire to find fame or fortune (more or less) and it's easy to see why they die on the side of the road. But other pursuits that are more worthwhile, endeavors I find good reasons to work toward, still find themselves being passed by because I am too lazy, too busy, or too tired to move forward with them.

Would is where I find myself at genuine crossroads. It's time to decide, to move forward, and to take action toward the goals I want to pursue. To be done with would is to make a choice and follow through. Would is where I feel paralyzed, afraid, and wondering if what I am doing is making any sense to the One who designed me. The only way I can move past these anxieties and unknown troubles is to trust in God's plan completely.

In order to take take action on the things we sit and think about, we have to know what we are doing is good and right. We have to trust that God uses even our mistakes and problems to eventually bring glory to Himself and allow us to know Him more deeply. Instead of simply thinking about what we would do, we need to consider what God desires. We can ask ourselves if pursuing specific endeavors are a pursuit of God or a pursuit of self. We can stop looking at what we would have done and instead look toward what we are able to do, seeking His will instead of our own. Then we have to get going. There's no getting around that - trust me, I'm an expert at planning, planning, planning, then avoiding, forgetting, and missing out, and it is not the better option.

As I make more and more effort to stop living with should, could, and would pestering me, I am finding more parts of myself I don't exactly like, or habits that are kind of shameful. But if I can turn all these shoulds, coulds, and woulds into reasons to look for God's will in my life, I receive His peace, His forgiveness, and His power to live free from obligation, guilt, and regret. I'm no longer looking to justify my actions, but seeing His glorious plans unfold in my life and the lives of those around me. The less amazing parts of me are shadowed by God's goodness showing up in unexpected places and I can see the progress He's made in perfecting me slowly.

This is what it means to get rid of should, could, and would. We take our eyes off ourselves, our plans, our abilities, and seek out the Creator.

What do I want? To know God and make Him known.

Can I do that? Only by His power.

Will I do that? Only by His faithful grace.

He promises we have all we need to walk uprightly, according to His will. Take Him up on that offer, dare Him to change and move you. I won't lie, it will be painful to rid of your fleshly desires and trade them for God's plans, but when you find yourself facing the day you were made for, the day you enter eternity, it will definitely have been worthwhile.

I hope these posts have been a good mix of practical and philosophical. It's important to think about the way we act, make decisions, and think, but it's also important to get to the actual doing. If you have any encouragement, questions, feedback, or other insights, I'd love to hear them! Feel free to comment here or email me directly. Maybe someday, I can sort this out enough for a book, but for now I pray that these posts are a small blessing to encourage you in your daily striving. Thanks for sticking with me and being patient :)

Should I?

In my last post about should, could and would, I told you to replace should with shall, could with can, and would with will. While I think those mostly hold true, I'm struggling with the replacement of should. Shall doesn't quite cut it, but I am lacking a nice "sh"-word. Jamie Martin, over at Simple Homeschool, posted a great article last summer on why we need to stop using the word should. We agree that should often stems from guilt, and that we need to see if those thoughts are legitimate. She suggests when we start saying "I should", it's better to ask "do I want to?".

I know many times when I've struggled through a should, I find that I don't actually want to, but other people seem to think I should, or my comparison problem has led me astray from my genuine desires. So instead of saying should, let's trying replacing it with desire, aspire, or strive.

Asking yourself if you should take action can be a hard question to answer. When guilt shows up and your mind starts reeling, should often comes in and tries to boss you around. It will say you aren't doing enough for your children, or that you are spending too much money on yourself, or tell you what endeavors deserve more of your time. Should will remind you of old hopes and desires, or even tempt you to compare yourself to the images you see of friends or even strangers on Social Media. Asking ourselves if we desire what should is telling us will help lead us down a path of action, rather than leaving us drowning in unsure waters.

While there are things we really should do (like feed our children, be kind to others, and to love God first and foremost), feeling guilt over what we should be doing all the time is not the way God changes our hearts. I'm not going to touch on concepts about what we shouldn't do right now, and maybe some other time I'll handle the idea of God's work in bringing us to repentance, but for now I'll stick with how God moves us to following Him intentionally and sifting out His voice from all the others around us. The Holy Spirit often comes at unexpected times, and rather than filling our thoughts with guilt over what we should do, he ignites passion and conviction, shows us what is possible, and makes a path for us.

Do you see should, could, and would in there?

The Holy Spirit Himself pours into us the alternative to these guilt-ridden words.

He gives us these instead: Desire. Can. Will.

These are the three words that help us move away from should, could, and would. We look at if we truly desire what should is telling us, ask if we are able to do what the task entails, and analyze if we are willing to do what it takes. In this way, we use our hearts, our minds, and our strength to walk into freedom from guilt. It is in this same pattern that we serve the Lord. We are told to "love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your might". This is Jesus' response to the Sadducees about what the greatest commandment is and I find it interesting that this same way of turning our hearts toward God can also be applied to straightening out a heart and mind swirling with guilt. His methods always lead to clarity and freedom, and I find great comfort in this.

So how do we start?

A good beginning question is always why. Why should I drink less coffee? Why should I spend less money on myself? Why should I invest my time in these specific places? Once you've got some answers there you'll be able to ask yourself if these shoulds are true, if you want to pursue them, and evaluate how important they are to you.

Don't be discouraged if your answers to these questions lead you to some not-so-fun revelations about the gunk in your heart. It's easy to know something is good, but it's another thing to want it for your life. I love coffee. I don't actually want to drink less, but it's possible that I want other things more. This is where we have to turn to the Lord to guide our hearts. When He places a desire within us, we can trust Him to give us the help we need to follow it.

I read this quote from Amy Carmichael the other day and it seemed very fitting for where we will head next...

"It is a safe thing to trust Him to fulfill the desire that He creates."

If you discover this should really is something you want for your life, but still feel incapable or lack the desire to follow through, you can rest in God's ability. You can trust Him to help you decipher this should and give you vision and desire. He will help take you from could and give you a plan for can. He will renew your strength and help make you willing to endure the sacrifice required to pursue that particular desire. He will make your desire big enough to conquer any fear, resistance, or reluctance still lurking in your mind and enable you to follow through on your plans.

All your shoulds cannot be overcome by simple practical solutions or sheer willpower. As a Christian, the best thing you can do is rely on God to produce everything you need to follow the desires He puts in your heart. Allow yourself time to think about this desire, whatever it may be. Don't distrust a desire because you can't see the path yet. And don't follow shoulds blindly because everyone else seems to be doing it. Use your mind to think about the truth behind each should, and bring them before the Lord.

Now that I've got you questioning your shoulds with intentionality, it's time to make you wait another week to find out what to do with could. The best way to fully tackle your shoulds is to take them all the way through these three words. Should I? Could I? Would I? See if you want to, ask if you really can, then dig down deep to find out if you are actually willing to do what it takes. Once you get to the end, you will see progress in your heart, soul, and strength. You will be renewed with vision, empowered with ability, and focused on achieving what you desire with a willing heart.

I love to witness God's freedom in these areas of my life. It's a beautiful thing that He places desires on our hearts and makes our paths straight enough to follow them. Not every desire of our heart is good, but you can trust Him to guide you when you are seeking Him earnestly and diligently. He is loving, and He will not should you to death. After all, His burden is light, and His yolk is easy. So inspect that desire and be ready to more forward.

If you are up for a challenge, write down several shoulds you find yourself saying this week. I'll make my own list too. Go through them in the evening and see where you end up. Like any sort of list, it often feels fabulous to cross items off, and getting rid of all your shoulds will help you rest easier at night. I can't wait to hear how it goes for you!

Should. Could. Would.

Should, could, would.

I use these words all the time without thinking about the implications.

"I should take the kids to the beach soon..."

"I could participate in that blog link-up..."

"I would come to your playdate..."

Do you say should, could, or would a lot? I use these three words probably a hundred times a week, maybe even a day. I've been thinking about them quite a bit lately, considering if they are appropriate or rather, a sign of dysfunction in my life. At first I couldn't quite figure out why these words were failing me and I didn't understand why I kept using them, despite them not being very helpful. My unhappiness with these pieces of my vocabulary has revealed several areas of my life I am discontent with, but using should, could, and would has never helped me actually do the things should, could, and would always seem to suggest. Rather, when these words encroach on my thoughts and sentences, I find myself doubting God's callings, doubting my convictions, and feeling bad about my life in general.

I use should, could, and would most when there is something I think I want to do, but feel unable to do it, whether it's because of a busy schedule, a conflict of interest, or a general lack of motivation. Sometimes my reasons are legitimate. If my kids and I have been out of the house for lunch three days in a row, it's highly unlikely I will feel up for a picnic at the park - this is my introverted coping mechanism. But other times, the reasons I give after saying should, could, or would are a response to not taking the time to focus on whatever task, event, or desire is in front of me. I am noticing that in taking time to consider more carefully what I should, could, or would do, I am rewarded with greater confidence in my actions and relief from guilt over what I am not doing.

What I want to do is take each of these words and look at what really lies behind how we use them, and talk about how we can navigate our thoughts, emotions, and actions to use proactive words instead of these passive, guilt-loaded words. In this first blog post, I'm going to talk about all three words together, what is not so great about them, and get you thinking about what your life can look like if you use them less. Each week I'll go deeper into one word and see what we can do to stop saying should, could, or would and start saying shall, can, and will.

When I first started thinking about these words, I was in the shower, where all good thoughts pop into my head and 99% of them never come to fruition. However, this idea stuck with me all day, and all through the week. I kept noticing how often I think "I should do this, but..." or "I would do that, but..." and then I spotted a trend. These thoughts I had and these phrases I kept saying were all wishes, or hopes, or desires based on vague ideas of what a grown woman should be doing with her life. They were all things happening in an imaginary realm, none of them being founded on a specific rule, command, or obligation.

Consider the idea that I should drink less coffee. This is not really an actionable statement, not something anyone had suggested as a solution to any problem, yet it was provoking a lot of guilt in me. I would randomly think about how my stomach didn't always do so well with too much espresso, how our budget would be more lovely with less trips to Starbucks, and how I'd have fewer reasons to argue with my children if I didn't drive up to that brown building with them in-tow, but the thought "I should drink less coffee" never went anywhere after that. It hung over me like a little black cloud, following me to that drive-through, torturing me without reason or relent.

All of these thoughts - the should's, could's, and would's - are all statements that invite guilt but offer no solution. I started to think if there was a way to really dissect what is behind each should, could, or would, I could find a way to stop these frustrating phrases from following me around. So, instead of leaving my could right there, I spent some time thinking it through and wrote it down.

Here is the potential that lies in each word, a way we can springboard from each passive word and live it for real.

Should becomes shall.

Could becomes can.

Would becomes will.

I will go ahead and apologize now, because this post will leave you hanging just a little bit. I cannot hash it all out in one blog post (and I'm not entirely sure I can do it in four) but I will let you know where I am headed. We can think about each should we say in a way to help us determine if that thought is worthy of becoming a shall. We can look at each we could that goes through our mind and decide if it's important enough to become a can. We can consider each would we think about and figure out if it needs to become a will.

If I look at why I should drink less coffee I can come up with some really good reasons. Then, I can decide if those reasons are legitimate, if they are a good enough reasons to make a change. When I decide "I shall drink less coffee" I no longer have guilt about what I should be doing, and it's kind of empowering to say it out loud. If you say it with a British accent then it's even more fun. But more importantly, when I get ready to determine if this should really needs to become shall, I see more clearly how important the idea actually is, and I can live more in line with my beliefs, my core values, and my current abilities. It gives me freedom to live in the now, as my authentic self, without any guilt.

Whether or not I drink less coffee may not be very important in the grand scheme of life, but living in freedom every day is. And this is what we all want right? Freedom to decide for ourselves whether we really should do something, and trusting that we are taking action when we know it is right and good.

I hope reading through all my thoughts and insights on these words will be as helpful for you as it has been for me. In a world where everyone wants our opinion, efforts, and attention, this can be a simple way to kill the guilt-monster lurking in your mind. Not only will it help you rid of needless guilt, but you will know yourself better, and trust God's prompting in your life more. Living in this kind of freedom takes effort every day, but hopefully these little insights and changes in thinking will help you win that battle with less effort, less defeat, and more victory.

Come back next week and we'll take a look at should together. I dare you to tally up how many times you say it this week! You might be surprised ;)