Struggle-Town

Perhaps you've noticed my absence. The pessimist in me says probably not, but I'm trying to choke down that pesky voice.

In all my homeschooling years, this September has been the most difficult by far. I know, it's October, but I'm back-tracking just a bit. There are probably at least 20 reasons why last month was so challenging: football practice for Asher three days a week, soccer practice for Cole two days a week, tutoring Essentials (and learning everything from Essentials for the first time ever), teaching Asher through Essentials for the first time, Jovi being in CC for the first time, and trying to write a book/book proposal at the same time are the large chunk of it.

I don't see myself as a positive person really, but some people might say I am good at looking at the bright side of things. I think it comes more from my ability to look at what's wrong and then come up with a great solution. So in reality, it starts with looking at fault and discord, then it morphs into improvement, which often looks to others like a lovely spin on difficulties. But this month, and last month, there is so much to do, so much always left undone, and more ambition than I can wrestle, that I am striving incredibly hard to stay afloat and still smile. No matter what solution I try to come up with to "fix" it all, nothing gets fixed. It has been extremely challenging to not quit everything and it's still really hard to not give up.

Many of the women in my circle of ambition are SAHMs (Stay At Home Moms) too, but most of them have their children in school full time. Other moms who are homeschooling along with me don't have the same nagging drive for working outside the home or other business-like endeavors. Then the moms who do, and are prominent or successful, seem to have husbands whose jobs are more flexible, or who even work together on their same, thriving business. I know, I know, I'm sure I'm not the only mom wearing these shoes, but I often feel very alone in this journey, and much of the time, left without options for getting everything done. This is part of why I started this blog. Many of us desperately need to hear from ordinary, struggling homeschool moms.

As I try to make progress on my book proposal I am pretty much failing at doing exactly what I am encouraging other moms to do. Find your security in Christ, find your identity in God's purposes, find your strength in Jesus, find your confidence in the Holy Spirit's work, and find your reason for serving others in the fact that God is eternally serving and loving all of us: I say these things, and I know they are true, but they are not bringing me the help I wish they would.

During my eight-week-absence here, I've been attempting to learn to live. Not just staying alive and getting stuff done (which I really am not), but to actually want to do all the things my daily life requires. To say I don't struggle with depression would be a lie, but its spotty appearances, and its sudden disappearance every time I have more than four hours to myself, leave me working through this without the pursuit of professional help (for now). I really want to just have someone fix me and make me "normal." But for me, as of right now, I know there are things I need to deal with. It's harder than I realized to admit that I don't need or want Christ the way I should, the way I know is right, the way I know would be best.

I am fairly confident surrender is the answer, though I haven't yet fully embraced it. When I am completely, happily surrendered to God's will for my day, my mental check-list will not cause me to despair. When I totally trust that God's tasks for me are the absolute best, I will not feel guilty over other chores that are still undone. When I know for certain that the path I am on is 100% the best for us right now, I will not waver and waste a million hours fretting over if I can do, or should do something else. I have spent too much time striving and not enough time surrendering. And since it sucks so much to admit this, I am being ridiculous and just doing it publicly.

Somehow, there is a lot of satisfaction in bringing all this to light. Admitting struggle, confessing inability, coming to terms with my sin and my poor reactions that lead me away from peace; these are all impossible to do without God and still difficult to surrender to.

If you are in a hard spot like me, quit striving to make it all work out. Admit that it's hard, it's messy, and maybe even nearly impossible. Confess that you want to make it work but know only God can light that path for you. Find a way to bring these thoughts and fears to light. Whether that's talking about it with your spouse, with a good friend, a parent or your kids: it all needs to come into the light if you want it to stop messing with your head.

If you have friends in this hard spot, stop telling them to just quit. Yes, there is a time when you have too much on your plate. My dear homeschool mom friend told me several weeks ago that I had to stop going to every single one of my boys' practices. She graciously said I was doing enough for them, but that my 10+ hours each week of sitting outside to watch them throw, catch, dribble, and kick a ball was not actually helping them or the rest of my family. She was totally right! And this kind of advice is not what I'm talking about. If you're friend is so burdened by everything she wants to do but is not doing, telling her to stop wanting the deep burdens in her heart will not help.

We need to give life to one another, to water tender and breaking hearts with the refreshment Jesus gives. The mom who is doing too much might need told to stop. But the mom in despair with all the good she is trying to sow into the lives of others needs to be told it is worth it, even when it messes up other parts of life (like clean floors, folded laundry, or homemade meals every day of the week). God plants those seeds of desire in our hearts and He will always make a way for those callings, especially when it is a genuine investment in others. We need to stop driving each other from these things. We need to encourage one another into them.

Homeschooling or not, we need to be cultivating one another into the hard work of loving God first, and loving others as much as we love ourselves. It will be a sacrifice. It will often mean getting less for yourself. This is not a loss. Eternity is the main goal here, not blissful, momentary satisfaction with life on earth. Peace will follow surrender, and joy comes in knowing we are working towards the heavenly goals of God. I'm not saying don't take time to enjoy the blessings God gives on earth, but don't set your hearts upon them. When I can forget the goals I've selfishly established for my life here on earth and focus instead on what I want for eternity, surrendering to God's plan is foolishly simple. Not easy, but simple, and totally, completely, 100% of the time WORTH IT.

Please remember these things:

You are not the only person struggling. You can do this hard work. God will fill you up. Jesus will lead your decisions. The Holy Spirit will give you peace. Seek Him first. Don't think about what you weren't able to do but be confident in the work your are doing. Sow those good seeds over, and over, and over again. There are many women out there sowing in doubt, but we are blessed to be confident in this thing: "that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Jesus Christ." (Phil. 1:6)

God has got this. He's got you, and you'll be okay.


* If you are struggling with depression and it is interfering in your life in harmful, drastic ways, please don't try to will yourself from it. Medical depression and the struggle to enjoy life are complicated issues, and when it doubt, seek help!

Daily Staples of Love.

I feel like I have done a lot of growing up this previous year. Not just learning a few life lessons here and there, or because of all the intentional studying I've done, or that I've simply become more knowledgeable about life in general. But I truly feel as if I am finally gaining some wisdom about how to live a good life and I am working hard, begging God to make these new habits a part of who I am, the way I naturally live.

Several books I have read this summer, or am currently reading, have contributed to this growth tremendously. And while watering my potted plants out back the other day, a lot of these separate ideas and random thoughts were connecting in my mind. I recently read something totally unrelated that connected well with these ideas I've been wanting to share with you and I hope they encourage your heart and bring you peace.

I'm sure you're all familiar with Aesop's fable The Tortoise and the Hare. The unlikely candidate wins the race (don't worry, I'm not talking any politics in this post) and the fastest, most able, most likely candidate loses. And what was the determining factor? Was his mindset to blame, or his actions? Which came first, the chicken or the egg? If his mindset was different, surely his actions would have been different as well, you think?

I'm seeing what an impact our thought-life has on our actions. This is not just popular psychology  either, the bible talks about it too! See Romans 8:5-6 and 12:2, 2 Corinthians 10:5.

Just like the hare, it's easy to let what we think is going on around us dictate our choices, instead of letting what we know is right and good determine what we do.

This is giving me more reason to pause and consider what I'm doing, how I'm reacting, and what I am dwelling on more throughout the day. Our thoughts shape our physical minds and that should cause us to take what we think more seriously. What we think about ourselves, the God we serve, the family we love, and the life we live hugely impacts the actions we take throughout the day and throughout our lives. Not just the major, life-altering decisions, but the little choices that pile up. They carve the path we travel and cumulatively create the life we live.

Being a homeschooler, I have tried to make my home a haven for my family. We are here a lot, and I want it to be peaceful, relatively tidy, and a period of life my kids will look back on with fondness. I should say now, I am not naturally gifted in this, and I don't feel like I do a great job. Since our move to this new house, I've been trying to be more intentional about it, but it so easily slips my mind. I can definitely see when my kids are more on edge because of my mood, but I'm not very good at those small daily habits of keeping my attitude in check or keeping my reactions from getting out of hand. I forget that cleaning the whole house at once is miserable, as is dealing with a ton of negative emotions in one sitting (read: sob-fest), but if I can just do a little of the work every day, both emotionally and physically in my home, it will feel less overwhelming to tackle and navigate.

As I was watering some plants the other day, some of these thoughts and pieces came together. Watering the plants out back was originally Asher's chore, but he has not taken to it as well as I hoped, and I've often been too distracted or too tired to remember to remind him to do it. So, on random mornings, I'll go out there by myself and gain a few moments of solitude. These plants, they are not doing so well. Some are dying, a few are totally dead, and some will get to looking very wilty then perk back up again after a few continuous days of watering. All of these plants need more than just a big soaking here and there. They need a bit of water every day. The same goes for so many things in life for us.

This is one of my more regularly watered plants... it's less green than when I got it, but surviving better than the plants outside. 

My kids need more than just an intense season of schoolwork, a few deep conversations about God, or random spurts of love and affection from me. It is the small, daily actions that add up to the life of abundant peace and joy I so desperately want for my kids. 

My kids need a regular diet of hearing God's word, of receiving affection from me, of having their minds stimulated by truth and beauty. And in regards to enjoying life and having lots of opportunity, sometimes the big, huge thing we think will be memorable for a lifetime turns out to be a big flop. For me, it's the little things my parents did that I remember most fondly, habits of spending time with us, or just enjoying being together.

This has been a comforting revelation for me, as we are not big vacationers and don't do any camping, and as my summer has been a bit more "me-centered" than I intended. The guilt over not giving my children what I see other moms giving theirs has been hard for me to navigate. One lifestyle does not fit all families, and I know what my kids need better than anyone else, but it's hard to fight feeling like I could be doing more for them. And while yes, a vacation to Disneyland sounds like a blast, it is not what will make my children's lives wonderful. More importantly, my daily attitude and interactions with them is what will enable them to get the most out of life.

It will never be the rare, extravagant vacations or sparse, exotic experiences that determine the outcome of their hearts and lives.

If you struggle with feeling let down after big plans have been made or large events have been thrown, or if you have a hard time figuring out what to do to make your home more life-giving, don't think that a magnificent vacation or elaborate birthday party will make everything magically wonderful. Those are blips of fun and excitement thrown in, not the foundation of your lives together. It is the daily grind that will either grind you down or polish you up. It is the moment-by-moment interactions with your children that will shape how they see themselves and how they see the world around them.

I do want to talk more about little habits and tricks you can implement, just small things to help you see how easy it can be to get your mind into a better space, but that will have to wait for another day. The big task I am working on right now is making my daily reactions to the kids better. Instead of being frustrated with the continual questions, I am setting clearer boundaries (with explanations) for them, then giving them my full attention when it is needed and appropriate. Instead of being in a huff about having to help my four-year-old with something, I try to act like I am glad to serve her (because really, I should be happy to help) and make sure I actually see her, acknowledge her, and notice something I love about her during those small moments.

These little tasks might seem silly or inconsequential, but it is building a habit of appreciating my children and teaching them how to love and live with other people. It's taking actions I know are good and beneficial and putting them into my life intentionally. I want to naturally enjoy chatting with my kids, but if I only do this when it's convenient for me, my kids will pick up on this and no longer strive for my attention.

Overall, I am learning that these small habits, the little ways I act, and the little ways I react to others, make a large, long-term impact. Sadly, I'm not usually very impressed by my own actions or reactions, and I definitely need God's help in aligning my life with the way He wants me to live. Little by little, my heart is being filled, my mind is being renewed, and my kids are being loved. It might not look glamorous or exciting, but over the course of their lives it will look like love, commitment, intentionality, sacrifice... all the things they will need to understand and observe in order live a good life.

If I could encourage you in one thing today, it would be to love them well in any small way you can find. Don't let discouragement about what you can't do, rob you of what you can do. Water the people in your life every day! Don't wait until you have something fantastic planned. Wipe those bottoms with a sweet smile for your child, answer their questions with a "yes dear" instead of a "what!?", and tell them what a gift they really are every chance you get. Make love and encouragement a staple in your home. Do it every day and enjoy the growth you will find all around you.





*In case you are curious, here are affiliate links to some of the books I have been enjoying that have contributed to some of my thinking:

A Hunger for God by John Piper
The Road Back to You by Ian Morgan Cron and Suzanne Stabile
The Growth Mindset Coach by Annie Brock
The Happiness Advantage by Shawn Achor
Anchored In by Micah Maddox

On Not Being a Quitter.

Gosh, yesterday I wanted nothing more than to be a giant quitter. I know I'm not the only mom to find herself here, but it still doesn't feel great.

I like to think I'm just very busy, maybe slightly over-committed, but this really isn't true in regards to time. It is extremely true in regards to mental energy. For some reason, our culture views the need for down-time, quiet moments, and private reflection as a weakness, for those who don't quite have it together enough. I know this is becoming less of an assumption as it used to be, but while it may not be looked down upon as much, it's still feels like people presume if you are capable of more, you are more worthy of high regard, or just better in general. I'm sure most of my friends and family would not say this flat-out, but I feel a pressure, or maybe an expectation, to fill almost every minute of my day with productivity and usefulness. Needs at church, needs in friendships, needs in my marriage, needs of my children, and the constant pull to do my absolute best in every single endeavor - lately it feels like more than my mind, body, and soul can tolerate.

Yesterday, nothing in particular triggered this quitting response, but at the end of every finished task, there was another task, sitting impatiently, waiting to be picked up and executed. Floors, laundry, schoolwork, dinner, fight-club interventions, etc. There just isn't enough of me to do it all, which is fine when you can hire out the cooking, the laundry, the learning, or the childcare, but those are things we haven't upgraded to quite yet. And for some reason, I'm too stubborn to give up my other endeavors to better balance the demands of my household - I'm still not sure what that means for my future, but I was definitely too stubborn about all of it yesterday.

I get in this funk where I look at all the things on my plate, and since they cannot all be done at maximum effort, I'd rather not do a single one. I long to quit everything. I dream about escaping to a magical, tropical island with little to no responsibility. I am not sure exactly what I'd do with all the time, or with any of my life at that point, but this all-or-nothing fire rages and consumes almost every rational thought in my head until I'm furious about the 10 crumbs that got knocked off a kitchen counter after I had swept and mopped. I sure hope I'm not alone.

Last night, while I was still taking deep breaths, breathing in my happy-oils, and trying to vent a little here on my blog, I started taking steps toward not believing all the lies that keep me in that all-or-nothing mode. Voices tell me that since I started something, I need to finish it. Assumptions linger about what that lady or this person thinks about my capabilities. My inner person taunts that if I can't be the best, I am wasting my time. Doubts creep all about, making me wonder what on earth I am actually doing with my life. All of these things going on in my head need to be shut out so I can enjoy what's going on right now, but I can't seem to quiet them as quickly as I'd like.

I have made improvements. I don't doubt myself as much as I used to. I am mostly okay with not being the absolute best. And I'm pretty darn sure my kids are on a great path, learning all kinds of important things and growing in their ability to think about the world. They have more opportunity than I did as a child, so my guilt over wanting to give them more needs to take a back seat. In order to talk myself down from this level of crazy, I work hard at telling myself the truth, because from there my path is far less confusing, overflowing with grace, and leads to the ultimate destination. But telling myself the truth has to be more than just a positive word, or an uplifting song. The only truths worth clinging to are the ones found in God's word. And if I'm not going there when I feel like quitting, I'm not filling up my mind with any sort of goodness strong enough to dispel the lies attempting to make a home in my brain.

So today, while I don't have any particular choices I am looking for wisdom about, I find that I need a general wisdom to help me know how to interact with my children, my friends, and my spouse in ways that show honor, respect, and sincerity. I need wisdom about what is right, on how to think more rightly, so I can act more rightly. And James 1:5 is a guarantee I cling to...

"If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him."

It's humbling to ask for wisdom when you don't actually want to change, but I know I can't stay in these trenches forever, wanting to quit every other day or acting like a jerk because I'm unhappy with myself. I'm not sure why it's so hard to ask God for good things. I know "good things" doesn't always  mean easy, fun, fulfilling, but the end results are always worth it. If I can just remember that God's ideas of absolute best is the only idea that matters, the only thing I need to embrace, my quitting days will be fewer and far between. I don't have to be the best, the most, the awesomest, or the greatest, just willing to embrace the here, the now, the ugly, the not-so-fun, and whatever else happens to show up. It will truly have to be God-enabled, but I'm pretty sure it'll be worthwhile.

I hope you can relate to this struggle. And I hope my struggle enables you to take courage in yours. It's not just you, it's not just your situation, and it's not just our culture. Our world is falling apart, and the only solid rock we have is God - His promises, His path of redemption, His love.

Let That Be Enough.

It's been a weird few weeks in my head. Moving has taken a greater toll on my disposition than I expected; that and getting thrown into the boys' sports routines, starting up schooling again, and still trying to unpack while staying on top of laundry... the list never ends, and mouths are always hungry, or so it seems.

I've been trying to nail down exactly why I am so out of sorts. I know new adventures can throw a kink in life, and leaving places I love has been difficult too, but over the last several weeks I've felt this internal grasping for something I can't quite put into words. The biggest problem is always that I don't quite trust God with my life the way I know is right and good. I'm only human, but I'm learning and growing in this, and I am sure I always will be. But there seemed to be other things I couldn't wrap my mind around.

While I have not suffered much personal loss in my life so far, I have quite a few friends who are enduring tremendous loss right now or are coming upon it quickly. Miscarriages, loss of children, and cancer seem to be wreaking havoc in too many people's lives. My mind is constantly whirling back to these friends - some are my best friends, and some are more like acquaintances, but all are on my mind every hour. I find myself entertaining all kinds of questions and scenarios on their behalf for quite some time before I remember to pray.

My prayer life is undisciplined to say the least, and while I talk to God frequently, I rarely set aside time specifically for this. When I do talk to Him, my requests are sort of scattered, not entirely specific, or even very inquisitive. As I been more intentional and detailed with what I ask and hope for, I am finding more fulfillment in my soul, along with greater confidence in God's plans.

However, praying for others and feeling a small portion of their pain is only part of what has been troubling me.

On my way back from CrossFit this morning, I heard a song that not only expressed my emotions perfectly, but also offered a way to pray about it.

I wish I had what I needed

To be on my own

'Cause I feel so defeated

And I'm feeling alone

And it all seems so helpless

And I have no plans

I'm a plane in the sunset

With nowhere to land

And all I see 

It could never make me happy

And all my sand castles

Spend their time collapsing

Let me know that you hear me

Let me feel your touch

Let me know that you love me

And let that be enough

These are the lyrics to the song Let That Be Enough by Switchfoot from their 2nd album. I listened to this quite a bit about 12 years ago, and I've always loved this song, but today is truck me differently. 

I realized that I feel torn almost all the time. I want something, but I know it won't fulfill me. I want to be on my own and independent much of the time, but then I often feel sad and lonely. I want to do big things, but I don't have any solid plans. I want to go somewhere else, but I don't know where that is. And it's true, nothing I can think up will make me happy. There's no "problem" there to find and fix. Life is hard, bad things happen, and my emotions leave me questioning the best of situations. 

But God, He is the one I can rely on, and it all seems so easy, and so obvious now. I am longing for the things in this song. I want to know He hears me, that He's close to me, that He loves me. And what I really needs is for all these things to be enough to soothe this raw and tender soul of mine.

I know it's hard to ask for a change of heart, for a spirit of contentment, or for peace in relentlessly stressful situation. It's far easier to ask for a change in circumstance, for the things we think we need to be content, or for more control in bad situations. But the more I do this, the more I search for fixes outside of my heart, the more despair builds inside. The more I commit to changing the outside in an effort to fix my insides, the longer my insides are neglected and the more they shrivel. 

My heart needs God, and my soul needs to find peace and contentment in Him. I need His love to be enough. I need to see that all the solutions to my problems are pointless without Him. And on days when everything feels overwhelming and yet not enough, I can ask Him to make Himself enough for my weary heart. These are the things I am longing for all my hurting friends to know as well. It is my hope and prayer that God's love will be enough for them during their darkest hours.

God, make yourself enough in our hearts. Let all You have for us be the perfect medicine for our broken souls. 

Should. Could. Would.

Should, could, would.

I use these words all the time without thinking about the implications.

"I should take the kids to the beach soon..."

"I could participate in that blog link-up..."

"I would come to your playdate..."

Do you say should, could, or would a lot? I use these three words probably a hundred times a week, maybe even a day. I've been thinking about them quite a bit lately, considering if they are appropriate or rather, a sign of dysfunction in my life. At first I couldn't quite figure out why these words were failing me and I didn't understand why I kept using them, despite them not being very helpful. My unhappiness with these pieces of my vocabulary has revealed several areas of my life I am discontent with, but using should, could, and would has never helped me actually do the things should, could, and would always seem to suggest. Rather, when these words encroach on my thoughts and sentences, I find myself doubting God's callings, doubting my convictions, and feeling bad about my life in general.

I use should, could, and would most when there is something I think I want to do, but feel unable to do it, whether it's because of a busy schedule, a conflict of interest, or a general lack of motivation. Sometimes my reasons are legitimate. If my kids and I have been out of the house for lunch three days in a row, it's highly unlikely I will feel up for a picnic at the park - this is my introverted coping mechanism. But other times, the reasons I give after saying should, could, or would are a response to not taking the time to focus on whatever task, event, or desire is in front of me. I am noticing that in taking time to consider more carefully what I should, could, or would do, I am rewarded with greater confidence in my actions and relief from guilt over what I am not doing.

What I want to do is take each of these words and look at what really lies behind how we use them, and talk about how we can navigate our thoughts, emotions, and actions to use proactive words instead of these passive, guilt-loaded words. In this first blog post, I'm going to talk about all three words together, what is not so great about them, and get you thinking about what your life can look like if you use them less. Each week I'll go deeper into one word and see what we can do to stop saying should, could, or would and start saying shall, can, and will.

When I first started thinking about these words, I was in the shower, where all good thoughts pop into my head and 99% of them never come to fruition. However, this idea stuck with me all day, and all through the week. I kept noticing how often I think "I should do this, but..." or "I would do that, but..." and then I spotted a trend. These thoughts I had and these phrases I kept saying were all wishes, or hopes, or desires based on vague ideas of what a grown woman should be doing with her life. They were all things happening in an imaginary realm, none of them being founded on a specific rule, command, or obligation.

Consider the idea that I should drink less coffee. This is not really an actionable statement, not something anyone had suggested as a solution to any problem, yet it was provoking a lot of guilt in me. I would randomly think about how my stomach didn't always do so well with too much espresso, how our budget would be more lovely with less trips to Starbucks, and how I'd have fewer reasons to argue with my children if I didn't drive up to that brown building with them in-tow, but the thought "I should drink less coffee" never went anywhere after that. It hung over me like a little black cloud, following me to that drive-through, torturing me without reason or relent.

All of these thoughts - the should's, could's, and would's - are all statements that invite guilt but offer no solution. I started to think if there was a way to really dissect what is behind each should, could, or would, I could find a way to stop these frustrating phrases from following me around. So, instead of leaving my could right there, I spent some time thinking it through and wrote it down.

Here is the potential that lies in each word, a way we can springboard from each passive word and live it for real.

Should becomes shall.

Could becomes can.

Would becomes will.

I will go ahead and apologize now, because this post will leave you hanging just a little bit. I cannot hash it all out in one blog post (and I'm not entirely sure I can do it in four) but I will let you know where I am headed. We can think about each should we say in a way to help us determine if that thought is worthy of becoming a shall. We can look at each we could that goes through our mind and decide if it's important enough to become a can. We can consider each would we think about and figure out if it needs to become a will.

If I look at why I should drink less coffee I can come up with some really good reasons. Then, I can decide if those reasons are legitimate, if they are a good enough reasons to make a change. When I decide "I shall drink less coffee" I no longer have guilt about what I should be doing, and it's kind of empowering to say it out loud. If you say it with a British accent then it's even more fun. But more importantly, when I get ready to determine if this should really needs to become shall, I see more clearly how important the idea actually is, and I can live more in line with my beliefs, my core values, and my current abilities. It gives me freedom to live in the now, as my authentic self, without any guilt.

Whether or not I drink less coffee may not be very important in the grand scheme of life, but living in freedom every day is. And this is what we all want right? Freedom to decide for ourselves whether we really should do something, and trusting that we are taking action when we know it is right and good.

I hope reading through all my thoughts and insights on these words will be as helpful for you as it has been for me. In a world where everyone wants our opinion, efforts, and attention, this can be a simple way to kill the guilt-monster lurking in your mind. Not only will it help you rid of needless guilt, but you will know yourself better, and trust God's prompting in your life more. Living in this kind of freedom takes effort every day, but hopefully these little insights and changes in thinking will help you win that battle with less effort, less defeat, and more victory.

Come back next week and we'll take a look at should together. I dare you to tally up how many times you say it this week! You might be surprised ;)

Turning Failure into Faith.

Growing up I was naturally athletic, fairly artistic, and overly ambitious. These traits have been part of me as long as I can remember. In school this meant I was often the "teacher's pet" and I did fairly well in most subjects and activities. In my late teens however, I started to see a problem crop up more and more: I was nearly incapable at handling the frustrations of being bad at something.

I took a beginner's piano course in college. I had played the trumpet in Elementary school and for a while in Jr. High, then I had done choir for six years afterwards, so I figured adding piano to my list of accomplishments would be a fairly easy task. Nope. It definitely wasn't.

I wasn't terrible, but I knew I'd never be considered gifted or excellent. I started slacking when it came to practicing and skipping a few classes here and there. By the end of the semester I was horribly behind on my hours and the fear of failing this class threatened me daily. The last two weeks I spent an absurd number of frustrating hours in the piano lab, attempting to log enough practice hours to earn a C. It worked, just barely. Never again, I thought, No more piano.

I didn't think about it much at the time, but I definitely avoided activities with potential for failure after my piano experience. I called it "Sticking with what I'm good at". A year or so later, my husband called it "avoiding what you're bad at".

Playing tennis brought out these same frustrations. I was naturally athletic, and probably pretty good for a beginner, but I knew I could never commit myself to becoming excellent at Tennis. It killed me! I hated it. I hated losing, I hated practicing knowing I was still going to stink, and I hated the irrational feelings that followed my attempts at playing.

Somehow, I had equated being excellent at an activity with being a worthwhile person, with being liked by others, or valued by leaders. In all my learning years, I was generally valued for my talents, accomplishments, or good behavior. Coaches were thrilled to have an ambitious, talented athlete on their team. Teachers loved my eagerness to learn and do what is right. Leaders at church appreciated my attentiveness and desire to know God better. But very few of them showed their appreciation for me in just being myself, uniquely created by God.

I know it's natural for adults to notice those who are excelling, to see and encourage those who have potential and desire success, but for me, this perpetuated my deep need to be excellent at everything I do. My personal bent in this area continues to create a lot of insecurity, striving, and anxiety in my daily life. It is partially how I am wired, but our culture also supports the idea that we create value in ourselves by being particularly excellent at something interesting and important. I have to intentionally undo this desire to be known for my achievements by focusing on God's excellent desires. None of us will find lasting fulfillment in accomplishment and success alone. God has something much bigger and much better for us.

He wants to show His love for me and move me to freely give His love to others. Through Jesus He has declared me righteous and He wants me to point others toward His glorious gift. He gives me peace in all circumstances and wants me to offer peace to all I encounter.

The list goes on: obedience, kindness, mercy, sacrifice, praise, patience. There are endless ways we experience and show the love of God, and enjoying the excellent achievements He gives us is only one of the ways we encounter Him. When I despair in my failed attempts, I act like God's goodness is unavailable in places where I am not perfect. When I do my best then wallow in worry over the outcome, I treat God's plans as untrustworthy. When I lack confidence in my talents for fear of what others will think, I treat God's intentional design of my life like a careless toss of the dice.

God is the farthest thing from unavailable, untrustworthy or careless. He has better plans for us after this life than anything we can achieve during our life on earth. And we have opportunity to participate in God's plans here on earth every day, in simple, easy ways.

When we love people despite their weakness, we give them God's love. When we recognize others' patience, we are evidence to them that God sees their efforts. When we encourage a person during a time of failure, we prove to them God's ability to meet them where they are. When we notice a small, special part of someone, we give them evidence of God's creative spark in their soul.

There are endless ways to give God to others, and to see Him in our lives. Like I said earlier, being excellent at something impressive is just one thing, only one way to see Him working in our lives. Being a dependable friend or persisting in doing good are tangible ways to be excellent at showing God to world around us. Being kind to your children and finding the good in hard situations are beautiful gifts to those around us. Bringing peace to your family and providing for tangible needs of those around you are enduring, fruit-bearing sacrifices.

Do not despise the little things. Do not strive after only big things. Do not let being excellent at one thing define your worth. Do not be discouraged with failure and closed doors. Put aside your desire for obtaining a great name, and desire instead to obtain fulfillment in Christ. Don't set your heart on finding fulfillment in what you can achieve in this life. Set your heart on God's plans for you to live a life of praising Him rather than seeking praise for yourself. Treasure the ways God is preparing you for eternal joy. Hope in what comes after this life is done. Only then will your failures feel small and insignificant. See what God sees in you, and search for what only He can reveal.

"Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Matthew 6:19-20

If all of this makes sense, but you cannot get your heart to agree, you are not alone. I am right there with you. It is still good for you to set your mind to the task. It's a wonderful opportunity to practice humility and admit you cannot do it yourself. Wait for God to change your heart and be willing to take the step forward, obeying even if your heart is not enthusiastic. He is good to us, and He will pull you in. He will not leave you in despair forever. Your ability to excitedly chase after God may come and go, but it does not make the prize any less wonderful. Go for it anyway. Walking, running, crawling, or inching, it's all still forward motion.

Criticizing Criticism.

If it seems a little hypocritical to criticize someone for being critical of other people, you are right. I am a naturally critical person, judging when I am not asked to judge, and often unable (or unwilling?) to keep my opinion to myself.  Which is why I need to take all of my ideas expressed in this blog post and live them out too!

In High School choir, our director gave the seniors symbolic gifts at the end of the school year, and my senior year, Mr. Graber gave out tool-themed gifts. He gave me a measuring tape for my constant ability to analyze and gauge how we were doing, what we should be working on, and how much more effort we would need to invest in order for a piece to become "concert ready".

I remember feeling honored, thinking his gift showed a hidden talent I possessed for understanding goals and measuring success. This is true to an extent, but the older I get, the more clearly I see how my constant evaluation of every circumstance, event, or action is bringing me despair instead of joy. Especially when it concerns the lifestyle choices of other people.

My Facebook feed is filled with numerous opinions expressing discontentment, judgement, or critical evaluation of someone, some thing, or some event. I come across far too many blog-posts about the grumpy woman at Target, articles about the president's mode of transportation, and books about the terrible consequences of disciplining your children. All day long, I am bombarded with critical opinions from other people via social media. Even at the grocery store, at the gym, and sometimes even at church, we voice problems with our world, dissatisfaction and struggle, rather than seeing goodness, speaking kind words, or offering encouragement.

Aren't you tired of it? Don't we all just want to hear something lovely? Something uplifting?

I do. I'm sure you do. Which is why I am writing this. Yes, this is another blog-post falling into the same critical category as all of the things driving me crazy. But, I hope the end goal is much better.

There is a time and a place to be critical. For instance, while editing my blog posts. I need to judge the use of my words, the clarity of my sentences, and the continuity of the entire idea I aim to express. I need to be critical when choosing books for my children to read, or for my own personal reading. After all, I don't want to put random junk into my children's minds or spend my own precious time engrossed with ideas of little benefit. I should also be critical about the food I feed my family. I want to nourish them with food, not just grab something cheap and easy from a box or can.

Here's where we cross the line. Do I need to be critical about a stranger's blog post and leave a snarky response? Or should I just evaluate politely, maybe even privately? Should I speak up about my friend feeding her child fruit snacks, or should I only evaluate that decision for my own family? Is it wise to preach "organic or die" or should I simply make that choice for myself and influence others through action, speaking up when appropriate situations arise?

It will be helpful for each of us to draw these lines where we see fit. We don't need to hyper-analyze every circumstance we could possibly find ourselves in but what we desperately need is security in our own choices, and guidelines for appropriate behavior. Sounds a little too simple, right? It is definitely simple in concept, but living it out is another thing.

How can we apply this idea of being secure in our decisions, and act well in every circumstance? Is it better to have a detailed method of response to friends who feed their children fruit snacks, or should I simply have a general guideline for how and when I speak out against true atrocities? And mind you, I don't consider fruit snacks to be an atrocity. There are times when we will need to wade through complicated issues, and make important decisions on when to speak up and when to remain silent, but unless you are living in a literal war-zone, you probably don't need to hyper analyze everything you encounter every day.

I suggest we make a continued effort in being the people we want to be, rather than having a set of strict guidelines to keep ourselves constantly in check. This is the difference between following the law and following Jesus. It is better to keep your heart tender to the leading of the Holy Spirit than aiming to mold your life according to a single church policy. It is better to be respectful and kind toward all people than to set your guidelines for who deserves respect and analyze each person you meet. Your joy will be more profound when seeking to obey the Lord in Spirit than worrying about how to keep each rule every day.

It might be easy for you to be critical of this suggestion, citing that some may take advantage of their freedom from the law, but I think it's time we stop concerning ourselves so much about those skirting the law while chasing their flesh, and concern ourselves more with loving the people we encounter. God is able to convict their hearts, far more able than you are. A critical spirit will drive them from your presence, but an understanding heart will engage their mind and make them open to the Spirit's voice.

Like I said, there are times to be critical, but probably not nearly as often as we think. And when it comes to interacting with each other, our criticism is devastatingly contagious.

If you want to see a real-life demo of the spread of this disease, watch your family objectively for a day. This is when I am most discouraged with my failures. When I wake up critical, grumpy, and demanding, I see my eldest son being impatient, frustrated, and bothered by his siblings. I see my second son being discouraged by his own mistakes, and my little girl assuming we are all out to make her life miserable. All of this snowballing from a few small remarks I made, about how they clear their dishes, or how they put away a toy.

This should not be so! Once again, I look at my long-term goal for my family: to know God and make Him known. When I watch my children clear their own dishes, do they see God from what I say? When I wait for my slow-poke to put on shoes, does he feel a loving presence over him? When I am impatiently talking to the cashier at Target, do my kids see me loving a stranger, or does the stranger see God's patient kindness? Or are my constant evaluations of everyone else's behavior and performance fuel for anger and discouragement, creating a divide between myself and others?

I think you see what I am saying now. Our critical spirits cause separation. Our voiced opinions of performance spread discouragement. Our constant disappointment with other people's choices spread a fear of never living up to expectations.

Break the cycle, stop voicing your disappointment, and turn your criticisms into prayers. It's easy to see what we don't like in other people, and hard to admit what we don't like about ourselves. But the sooner we confess our failures and commit to living well despite them, the sooner we are back on the path God has for us.

It is freeing to put that measuring tape down, to simply enjoy the people in our lives without constantly checking to see if they are living the way we think they should. I'm always surprised by how much more my children accomplish when I set aside my critiques. They act better, love more easily, and live with confidence. This form of excellence is what I am after, for myself and my children. But it will never be found when criticism is the reigning spirit. Love of truth, honor, justice, purity, loveliness, and praiseworthy things are what will bring that joy of fellowship, with my family and with those I encounter every day. Let these things reign in your life more than methods, criticisms, or behavioral expectations. Trust me, you will see the difference and wonder what took you so long!

Brave in Ordinary Life.

I have never considered myself a brave person. I've been told I am a few times, but I suspect my inability to keep my mouth shut is often mistaken as bravery.

I know a woman who is truly brave. She did not feel brave when her husband left, when she was raising her biological son and three adopted children who had endured trauma and neglect during their formative years. She felt scared, abandoned, confused, and unsure. My friend trudged on, totally oblivious to the work God was doing in her. Yes, she knew He was probably doing something, but she was not exactly excited about the turns her life had taken. God was uprooting many years of trauma in her own life in order to reveal His loving kindness. 

I had the amazing pleasure of meeting her the day before her husband left, and then we became the closest of friends about a year later. During the next few years, her house was foreclosed on, her ex stopped seeing the children, one of her daughters went from troubled to out of control. She moved in with a family, who later turned their backs on her and asked her to leave. She left willingly, hoping God would provide for them yet again. He did, though it wasn't a magical, suddenly ideal type of circumstance. Her daughter continued to spiral down, suffering from trauma so deep she still cannot acknowledge her pain. Today this daughter is still unable distinguish truth from lies, both from the outside and within her own mind, and wreaks havoc on the family whenever she has the chance. 

Through abandonment, debt, trauma, medical emergencies, loss of friendships, rejection, and parenting woes, my dear friend has remained steadfast in one thing: she knows God is working. 

Like I said, my friend would never call herself brave, although can now see how what she did was brave, without knowing it then. Now she knows she is truly brave, and she is unstoppable. I cannot believe I get to be her friend.

I have another friend, one whom I've only actually seen in person for a total of nine days. Three of those days, she was just a stranger in a room and I didn't even know her name. Another three of those days, I was speaking at a small conference and she was in the crowd. We only realized on day six that we had met before. The last three days, she was speaking to me, training me and a room full of others on becoming a tutor through Classical Conversations.

Over the course of the last four months, she went from being a homeschool mom getting back into a routine after a Disneyland vacation, to a mother unsure if her young son would live through emergency surgery. She went from thinking about catching up on laundry, to wondering if her son would have permanent brain damage, then to wondering what that almost certain damage would do to his life, to her life, and to her family's life.

If that wasn't enough, her and her husband decided that another young man, who also had endured a traumatic brain injury and had no family to call his own, should become a member of their family. She went from having three wild boys, to having four wild boys, two who would have special needs for a while, and very possibly forever. 

She also might not call herself brave. But through her life, and especially through the last several months, she has demonstrated a desire to see what God is doing, even if it includes circumstances she would rather not endure. 

These women exemplify a type of bravery we can all benefit from. They did not go into the world, seeking to strive against all odds, against impossible circumstances, or chances of death. They woke up, encountered something they did not expect, and still looked to God. 

I've been listening to the book Girls With Swords by Lisa Bevere (per the recommendation of friend #1 mentioned above) and I am inspired to be brave. I'm not seeking a way to make a global impact, though I hope to, but rather, a way to be brave in the regular events in my day. Bevere says if we consider ourselves daughters of the King, we are in a battle, and we are under attack. There is no middle ground, she says, we are either fighting or captive. If we think we are neither, we are captives and don't even know it. Satan wants to destroy us, not necessarily for what we are doing today, but for what we will do, for the life we will live. 

Am I living a life so opposed to the devil's work that I am a target? I often think not, but I'm beginning to wonder if I don't give Satan enough credit for the ways he attempts to undermine my spirit. I see most of my struggles as problems within myself, issues with my personality, or bad habits I have allowed to sink into my daily life. Since listening to Bevere's words of wisdom and encouragement, I am starting to wonder if these thoughts I let in are actually a ploy to make me weak, to give me doubt, and to shut me up before I help someone else turn to God in their difficulty. 

I've been thinking about this every day. When one of my children blatantly disobeys, my first reaction is usually some sort of disappointment, then frustration, usually followed by questioning my own parenting abilities or sin issues. But wait. What if I decided to remain confident in the ways God has gifted me and pursue that child with love, investing my best into them? Is there any time where this would not be a better response? Is it really humility to question everything we do, or are we succumbing to a lie, thinking confidence is a quality Christians should disdain? 

I can feel this idea and God's truth changing my heart. When I spend time acknowledging the spiritual warfare I cannot see, I suddenly see my daily woes as tiny obstacles God is able to conquer. It becomes easy to turn to God and say "Let's do it!" I have strength do endure, a willingness to suffer, and a hope that enables me to sleep well at night. In fact, seeing the eternal battle won, knowing I have a place on the winning side, almost makes me laugh at what I often feel is so difficult. 

Will this attitude land me a life like Job's? Maybe. But wasn't it worth it for him? Wasn't God honored, Satan proved wrong, and people thousands of years later encouraged? 

What do you think a brave person looks like? In what areas of your life could you act more bravely? 

Whatever thing you think you need in order to be brave, turn to God and ask Him about it. In homeschooling, living without a loved one, being more cheerful towards your family, taking flack at work, or dealing with stress from unending needs of those around you, God wants you to be brave. He wants you to look toward Him, see your circumstance clearly, and find joy in the fact that He has won over all. Big or small, impossible or ordinary, we are brave by showing up, over and over again. Whether we enter these circumstances willingly or not, when we look to Him as our source of help, we are brave warriors, fighting for the Heaven we are guaranteed to possess! 

Don't wait for a good cause, or important issue to decide to be brave. Practice being brave every day by not letting Satan discourage you. God has redeemed you, fought for you, and won. Despise discouraging thoughts, and put your mind on what is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent, and worthy of praise. Pretty much, set your mind on God, for He is all of these things, and He will strengthen your small, brave heart. You will be astonished at the circumstances you endure and your faith will grow as you see God holding you through every amazing, catastrophic, or even every ordinary day.

What We Expect.

One of my best friends always says to me "You just need to lower your expectations a little."

Now, she doesn't say this in regards to expecting politeness from my children, or in regards to how often we are doing math. She says this to me when I feel discouraged about how soon I fold my laundry once it comes out of the dryer, or when I've only fed my kids one vegetable that day. Expectations can make or break us, and the crazy thing is, what we let them do to us is actually in our control.

I woke up yesterday morning feeling the blahs. There were dirty dishes, it was laundry day (which is on the basement level), I was already behind on homeschooling, and a long to-do list awaited me, filled with things like sweeping the floor, taking out garbage, and cleaning up kids' rooms. I've been thinking so much lately about doing God's will, and being willing to do whatever He would ask, but I couldn't manage to get excited about my day. Realistically, who really is excited for all of that?

I spent a lot of time thinking hard about why I was so grumpy, about why my soul was so disgruntled. Obviously, I just didn't want to do all of these things. I didn't want to spend my day doing mundane things, and cleaning up after everyone else. I wanted what I wanted. I wanted to read a book, to have Jovi play happily while the boys excelled in their schoolwork (I can't help but giggle a little at this idea). I wanted my kitchen to be clean, for my floors to be swept, and to not find dirty socks under every piece of furniture. Honestly, I was discontent with what God had for me that day.

I tried to convince myself that my life was hard, but I failed pretty quickly. After all, I had money for food, coffee, a husband who loves me and works hard to not only provide for us, but to lighten my load as well. My kids are healthy, (we have colds, but nothing major), we have clothes, heat, TV, books, toys, and more. No, my life is not actually very hard. Maybe busy, and challenging, but I am pretty privileged by most standards. Again, I had to face my discontentment.

It really has to do with my expectations and my lack of faith. For some reason, I have an idea in my head about what I deserve. It's distressing to admit I have no idea where these expectations come from, and I'm scared of giving these same expectations to my children. I want, and want, and want, and want. I get, I take, and I purchase some more, but still I am still left in want. I expect an easy life, and I strive continuously to find it. I want to do amazing things for God, but rarely look for ways to honor Him every day at home. Yesterday, I spent far too much time thinking about how to solve my problems, rather than simply starting the work and getting it done. Yes, laziness is another flaw of mine.

I didn't want to admit that all of these tasks, chores and small jobs were God's will for me. In my head, I knew they were, but it was obvious my heart was not following along. I decided I would have none of it. I was tired of being held back by my inability to cheerfully do "meaningless" work. Was I willing to set my expectations aside for the day and see what God would do? Was I willing to work hard, possibly never seeing significant fruit from today's efforts? Could I trust God enough to wash my dishes happily?

This seems so silly now. Why wouldn't I trust God? Why wouldn't He use my happy heart? Even if that day amounted to nothing, I would still enjoy it more if I was happy than if I was discontent. I texted some friends, who replied with wonderful encouragement, mutual struggles, and powerful verses. It was just the push I needed to admit how out of whack my heart and mind can be. Did I feel a rush of happiness? No. Were my chores easily and quickly accomplished? No. But I was able to get through my day, acting in line with what I believe, and not worrying about what would come of it all. God controls what will come of my days, not me. I am called to walk in these good works, no matter what they are, trusting His goodness and His plan. It seems harder than it really is.

My expectations need to change. What I want for my life, for my kids, for my husband, everything needs to be rearranged around God's plan. And if God's plan is faithfully doing laundry, who am I to argue? My desire for a grand life is out of a fairytale, and it's full of lies. To have a perfectly fulfilling life, all you have to do is be perfectly fulfilled! Not by money, not by things, not by family, achievement, or success. All of these things are fleeting. The only perfect fulfillment is obtaining the joy from knowing our eternal position before God. We are glorified children through His work on the cross! This joy will enable us to live better than any king in history, and if you let it, it will help you fold your laundry with a smile on your face too. Sounds trite, I know, but I dare you to try it out for a month.

Expect Him to fill you up. Expect Him to give you the energy you need. Expect Him to give you wisdom in schooling, child-rearing, job changes, career endeavors, friendships and more. Nothing is impossible for Him, and He desires to fill our hearts with His gladness. Not just once in a while, but any day you are willing to be filled. It's humbling to admit we are unwilling to be happy, but it is worth the effort to remove this from our hearts. Trust His plan, choose to be glad to follow it, then go about your business. This will require you to examine your heart and determine what you are willing to surrender in order to live happily in His plan. I hope you know He can be trusted. He is more capable than we will ever be, and He knows what makes our hearts glad better than we ever will. Go for it! Trust Him with those dishes, those diapers and that schoolwork. Tell me what happens.

Winds that Always Blow

Funny how things can change so quickly.

In my last post, I was talking about how much I love the New Year, and now, I am already feeling a sense of dread. Maybe it's because I did a bunch of planning yesterday, and my schedule feels a little impossible. Maybe it's because my house is a bit messy, and I feel like I will never get on top of it. Maybe it's because some of my goals are kind of vague, and I hate feeling like I am not really accomplishing anything. Whatever this mopey feeling is stemming from, I had a good reminder of where to go with these feelings when looking out my window this morning.

It's been very sunny in Portland the past few days, and icy cold too. Today, the winds have really picked up. I can hear the wind over my kids watching Rudolph, playing with legos, and laughing together. It's louder than my clicking on the keyboard. And outside my house, there are thousands of dried up leaves moving to & fro, down the street, into the grass, and back around again. There are branches strewn across sidewalks and everything looks a little haphazard. And that's how I feel today.

I've been thinking & re-thinking over lots of decisions, trying to figure out how to accomplish all the things I desire. While I didn't love some parts of going to CrossFit the last year and a half, I miss having a very set, very effective exercise routine. I miss having time to meet up with friends mid-week for coffee without feeling the dread of getting behind on other tasks or schooling. I miss having a plethora of babysitters available, like we did several years ago. I miss carpet in my downstairs, an extra room for an office, and a fireplace. I miss the freedom I had with only 2 kids, compared to now having my extra-needy, extra-adorable 3rd child. My heart feels like winds are always blowing through, raking me raw and leaving me questioning so many of my decisions and priorities. Then I remember this verse from Proverbs 25:28 "A man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls."

This is exactly how I feel. I've not been controlling what comes into my heart and mind, and now I've been left exposed to all these sweeping winds, raking through my thoughts and tearing apart my decisions. I have no real rock on which I stay steadfast in my mind, and every decision is up for evaluation over & over again. I have not "taken every thought captive" to see if it stems from God, from purity, or from a sincere desire to follow God. I know there are many times in life where we have to pick apart our choices, evaluate where we are and talk about where we want to be headed. But if you let other people weigh in on these choices uninvited, if you let social media make you question each decision every other day (or hour), and if you spend more time thinking about choices and options than you spend listening to God or searching his word, you will be left feeling raw and vulnerable, like a city without walls.

Now, it's good to be vulnerable to your spouse, to your dear friends, and those worthy of your heart. It is unhealthy to be vulnerable to the point of letting a 2x2" photo send you into questioning your entire life. You see where I am headed? We HAVE to put up some walls. Sometimes those walls look like deleting apps on our iPhones. Other times, those walls are just extra fortification efforts, like more time spent in God's word. And still other times, those walls are setting some boundaries on how often we spend time with people who make us doubt our decisions with hurtful words or constant questioning.

My soul is so sensitive these days. I've been doing WAY too much questioning in my own heart. Then, I've been looking to Facebook, almost hoping to find some encouragement and commendation for my choices. I know, so stupid! I will never find it there. Yes, I might find a few good articles, and probably some encouragement from friends, but will never find the deep, soul satisfaction God gives anywhere other than through Him. He is everywhere, and He often surprises me where He shows up, but I need to be far more intentional about seeking Him out. In Him there is freedom from worry about past decisions, current obligations and future problems. He sees where I am, He knows where I will go, and I'd much rather ask Him to shape me than find out what everyone else is doing with their spare time.

All of this seems really juvenile to me. In my mind, I know I will never find satisfaction in looking at other people's lives, just as they will never feel satisfied by looking at mine. But it is a tough habit to break. And for some reason, I have this constant urge to see what everyone is doing. This is where the need for self-control comes in. I have to decide to take action, based on what I know to be true, and not based on what my fleeting interests and desires are telling me.

This is not a call to perfection either. I'm not telling you all the do your 20-minute devotion every morning at 6am, or not to spend time on people with whom you disagree. I am telling you to guard your heart, guard your mind, and take decisive action to protect your soul. It will be worthwhile. I don't think I will ever regret swapping 10 minutes on Facebook for 10 minutes of reading God's word. It may not be easy at first. The invisible pull to open that app and scroll might feel stronger than the power of the Ring, but it will always be worthwhile to choose God over social stalking. You might not feel like it the first time, or the 2nd, or maybe even the 10th. But if you do it for a week or two, you will find yourself filled with more goodness, less comparison and FAR less negativity. Your soul will have God's words in it, which can then go out to the ones you love and are invested in. When I really think about this, I want to stockpile that kind of peace and security for a long time to come! We can all do this, but it has to start with a choice. And it is never too late to choose goodness. Never too late to knock on God's door and ask for help. It is truly never too late for redemption and faith. He wants you to choose Him. He knows you won't regret the sacrifice. And I promise to be offended if you don't like my FB post, because you were reading your bible instead :)