Alive and Not Brainless.

Yes, I am still alive ;)

Thank goodness for Instagram and Facebook, otherwise you might really think I had dropped off the face of the earth!

This summer is going to be a very busy time for our family. Now that we are mostly settled into our new home, regular life has continued to barge in, interrupt plans, mark up our calendar, and demanded us to make decisions. Yeah, I could cry. We don't do well with busy, and we've mostly been able to keep commitments low in order to accommodate the attempt at sanity, but the kids are getting more social, more needy, and both Mark and I seem to be in more demand. It's all wonderful, enriching, good stuff (well, maybe not his job, but the other stuff), but life definitely feels a bit full.

I'm not actually going to tell you about all the things we are busy with, or even how to cope with feeling too full of busyness, but I just wanted to chime in about some things I've been learning lately regarding understanding God's Word.

Last weekend I went to a Simeon Trust workshop at a local church and was deeply encouraged in several ways. Not only did I learn more about the gospel of Mark (the book, not my husband), but while I was doing all this learning and beating away self-doubt, God was also confirming some things in my life that I am making progress in, both personally and educationally. I have a really hard time taking criticism, so the fact that I was not completely breaking down while presenting my biblical exegesis to a small group of women I've never met before is amazing. They were encouraging, helpful, and inspiring to say the least.

I also felt God confirming this call to grow in my knowledge of the bible and my endeavors to teach the bible. I have always kind of mixed the bible in with what I am sharing and observing, but I also want to make sure God's Word has it's proper place in all of what I share with you. It's not a side-note, or a helpful little chime-in to what I'm dealing with or wanting to say. It is truly central to our lives. And if we are not giving it that place, we need to change.

Our church is doing a short book study on Habits of Grace by David Mathis. His premise is that we can place ourselves under the spigot of God's ever-flowing grace by dedicating ourselves to being in His Word, hearing His voice through prayer & meditation, and placing ourselves in His community by being committed to a body of believers. This is not a guarantee of gaining blessing, getting healing, or having our problems solved, rather, it's how we spend time knowing God better. His grace changes how we go about our days, which changes how we live our lives. Learning and growing and reading this book are changing me to be more dedicated to simple practices like reading the bible and then just sitting and thinking about it, instead of rushing off to the next thing. Or keeping track of my thoughts as they come, instead of waiting to write a blog-post about them, and being able to see how God is speaking to me over time.

I realized how little I look at God's word with the intention of knowing it well and understanding it fully earlier this week. We read a verse out of a kid's devotional book and I put it up on our little board because I loved it so much. We love to think that Jesus leads us to paths of peace...

After being at the Simeon Trust workshop all weekend, I decided to look in Luke at where this verse came from and what it meant. Hint: it's not the easy, lovely answer you are looking for. 

This part of Luke is where Zechariah is speaking over his baby (John the Baptist) just after his birth. This section of verses is about John and Jesus, so here is what the full ESV actually says this in verses 76-79...

"And you, child, will be called the prophet of the Most High;

for you will go before the Lord to prepare his ways,

to give knowledge of salvation to his people

in the forgiveness of their sins,

because of the tender mercy of our God, 

whereby the sunrise shall visit us from on high

to give light to those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death,

to guide our feet into the way of peace."

So yes, this is about what Jesus will do: bring light to use and offer us a way out of death, darkness and strife. But isn't there more? John didn't just give a call to be happy because we will have peace of earth, he called the people to repentance, to turn from their sin! While I was so thankful for this chance to read, understand, and think about what these verses are saying to us, I was also a little frustrated that this children's devotional had really pulled this verse out of context and formed a message around it that was incomplete. 

Don't we do this a lot? We think of the one verse that brings us comfort in trials, or a certain chapter that helps us feel better about our circumstances? We take a small bit of what someone said and apply it blindly to our lives. This ought not be! We are capable adults, and it is not just wise, but extremely important for us to be in the word ourselves and sharing more than just a verse or two with our children as it comes up. We need to strive to understand the bible in a way the gives our children and our circle of influence a complete picture of Jesus, life, and redemption, not just a band-aid for the painful aspects of life. 

I have not done a great job this with my kids. We read a little devotional, and we do talk a lot about the bible, what it means, and what it calls us to, but now I really see that my kids need more than this. We all need more of this, right?

My plan is to read larger chunks of the bible to my kids for our devotional time which probably happens only 3-4 days a week. And before you freak out, by larger I simply mean five to ten verses instead of just one or two. Aren't we able to invest that small effort of just five or ten minutes and the actual Word of God into our kids, instead of someone else's version of it? 

This month has certainly been  humbling month, but I am blessed that God is still working in me, shaping me, and blessing me with friendships, service roles, being served, and hopefully seeing the world more clearly. I guarantee that extra bible-reading time will change your life. Don't believe for second that it is not worth the sacrifice! 

If you are local, and interested in chatting more about David Mathis' book, feel free to pop into our study, or ask me if we can get together. You know I absolutely love to chat about what I'm learning. And it would be amazing to see your face in person :)

I hope you are all enjoying the sun. May it be a blessing to your soul and lead you to enjoying God to the fullest! 

Mercy, Not Sacrifice.

I've been thinking about this quote from the bible in Matthew 9:13 a lot recently.

"Go and learn what this means 'I desire mercy, and not sacrifice.' For I came not to call the righteous, but sinners."

Jesus was eating with tax collectors and the like, when the Pharisees began to question His disciples about it. Jesus tells them to think about this idea; mercy, not sacrifice. He wants them to know He is out to save the lost, not those who consider themselves righteous.

Jesus also recites this phrase again in Matthew 12:7, telling the Pharisees that yes, it was lawful to pick grain to eat on the Sabbath based on this same idea; mercy, not sacrifice.

This original phrase is found in Hosea 6:6 and says "For I desire steadfast love and not sacrifice, the knowledge of God rather than burnt offerings."

God was speaking to His people, telling them that their sacrifices were in vain if they did not turn their hearts back to Him. Jesus used this with the Pharisees to tell them God desired their hearts, not their attempts at living righteously.

The reason I have been thinking about these verses and this idea is because of how quick I am to name my own sacrifices. I give up free time, I exert my energy on home-cooked meals (mostly), I spend hours reading and researching about how to educate my children, then I actually spend bunches of hours teaching them not just math, but also social skills, every other subject, and about God. I give up mid-day coffee dates with friends and I have to bring my kids with me almost everywhere I go. I make a lot of sacrifices in the name of raising my children well, and this verse always left me feeling like I must be missing something. I feel like it's becoming more clear in my mind how I have been misunderstanding what kind of sacrifice God wants.

God doesn't want me to simply sacrifice everything for my family, He wants me to have mercy toward them, to have steadfast love be my guiding force. When I honestly evaluate my actions and intentions, they are not usually guided by steadfast love. I've never been one to claim perseverance as a quality I possess, either physically or mentally, but I see God working in me more and more to gain some ground in it. And being merciful to children day after day, really requires the perseverance only God can give.

To help explain it better, you can see mercy defined as:

- compassionate or kindly forbearance shown toward an offender, an enemy, or other person in one's power.
- the disposition to be compassionate or forbearing.
- an act of kindness, compassion, or favor.

Having mercy toward children can sometimes feel like wussing out, or letting the kids win, but a deeper look has shown me that having mercy on someone is usually still sacrifice, just dressed in different clothing. For instance, when I am patient and speak kindly to a child who has disobeyed, I am giving up my desire to express anger. When I choose to kindly help a child who is frustrated, I am sacrificing my own frustration and energy. When I decide not to complain, I am giving up a selfish desire to have my troubles be known.

Is this sinking in? Can you see how it works out?

Mercy is not just letting a person get away with doing wrong, it's doling out kindness, deserved or not. It's not giving what the natural world gives, but offering something better. It's working toward restoration instead of only allowing consequences. Mercy is sacrificing what you think should happen, to let love reign.

The picture of Jesus giving us mercy instead of eternal death needs to be our example. I'm not saying my kids never suffer consequences, but I'm looking more deeply at my reactions and motivations, sorting out what is sacrifice in order to lift myself up (like the Pharisees) or mercy toward people who need Jesus too. Jesus didn't hold up His sacrifice toward others as His proof of love, He simply acted lovingly in everything He did.

This concept is changing how I homeschool, how I discipline, and how I think about the things I am willing or unwilling to sacrifice. If I am willing to give up a career at this stage of my kids' lives to better their futures, shouldn't I be willing to do so kindly? If not, something has been lost. It shows me how I have held up my sacrifice as proof of my desire to live righteously, but have not looked at what God actually wants from me.

Steadfast love. Mercy. Compassion.

These are what I need to be giving. I need to let go of frustration in order to give steadfast love. I have to give up anger if I want to dish out mercy. I must let go of my own standard of what my kids should be able to do in order to have compassion toward them. And trust me, it takes a lot of bravery and guts to swallow that pride in our sacrifice and admit we could stand to love better.

I hope this is helpful for all you weary moms, homeschoolers or not. You will feel a burden lifted when you let go of your sacrifices and hang on to God's mercy. It is truly endless. I know it might feel like defeat to set those burnt offerings down, but you have victory in Him. He'll give you countless days of blessing with your family when you decide to give them love, mercy, and compassion, instead of just sacrificing for them. And the best part, it's never too late to start!

Criticizing Criticism.

If it seems a little hypocritical to criticize someone for being critical of other people, you are right. I am a naturally critical person, judging when I am not asked to judge, and often unable (or unwilling?) to keep my opinion to myself.  Which is why I need to take all of my ideas expressed in this blog post and live them out too!

In High School choir, our director gave the seniors symbolic gifts at the end of the school year, and my senior year, Mr. Graber gave out tool-themed gifts. He gave me a measuring tape for my constant ability to analyze and gauge how we were doing, what we should be working on, and how much more effort we would need to invest in order for a piece to become "concert ready".

I remember feeling honored, thinking his gift showed a hidden talent I possessed for understanding goals and measuring success. This is true to an extent, but the older I get, the more clearly I see how my constant evaluation of every circumstance, event, or action is bringing me despair instead of joy. Especially when it concerns the lifestyle choices of other people.

My Facebook feed is filled with numerous opinions expressing discontentment, judgement, or critical evaluation of someone, some thing, or some event. I come across far too many blog-posts about the grumpy woman at Target, articles about the president's mode of transportation, and books about the terrible consequences of disciplining your children. All day long, I am bombarded with critical opinions from other people via social media. Even at the grocery store, at the gym, and sometimes even at church, we voice problems with our world, dissatisfaction and struggle, rather than seeing goodness, speaking kind words, or offering encouragement.

Aren't you tired of it? Don't we all just want to hear something lovely? Something uplifting?

I do. I'm sure you do. Which is why I am writing this. Yes, this is another blog-post falling into the same critical category as all of the things driving me crazy. But, I hope the end goal is much better.

There is a time and a place to be critical. For instance, while editing my blog posts. I need to judge the use of my words, the clarity of my sentences, and the continuity of the entire idea I aim to express. I need to be critical when choosing books for my children to read, or for my own personal reading. After all, I don't want to put random junk into my children's minds or spend my own precious time engrossed with ideas of little benefit. I should also be critical about the food I feed my family. I want to nourish them with food, not just grab something cheap and easy from a box or can.

Here's where we cross the line. Do I need to be critical about a stranger's blog post and leave a snarky response? Or should I just evaluate politely, maybe even privately? Should I speak up about my friend feeding her child fruit snacks, or should I only evaluate that decision for my own family? Is it wise to preach "organic or die" or should I simply make that choice for myself and influence others through action, speaking up when appropriate situations arise?

It will be helpful for each of us to draw these lines where we see fit. We don't need to hyper-analyze every circumstance we could possibly find ourselves in but what we desperately need is security in our own choices, and guidelines for appropriate behavior. Sounds a little too simple, right? It is definitely simple in concept, but living it out is another thing.

How can we apply this idea of being secure in our decisions, and act well in every circumstance? Is it better to have a detailed method of response to friends who feed their children fruit snacks, or should I simply have a general guideline for how and when I speak out against true atrocities? And mind you, I don't consider fruit snacks to be an atrocity. There are times when we will need to wade through complicated issues, and make important decisions on when to speak up and when to remain silent, but unless you are living in a literal war-zone, you probably don't need to hyper analyze everything you encounter every day.

I suggest we make a continued effort in being the people we want to be, rather than having a set of strict guidelines to keep ourselves constantly in check. This is the difference between following the law and following Jesus. It is better to keep your heart tender to the leading of the Holy Spirit than aiming to mold your life according to a single church policy. It is better to be respectful and kind toward all people than to set your guidelines for who deserves respect and analyze each person you meet. Your joy will be more profound when seeking to obey the Lord in Spirit than worrying about how to keep each rule every day.

It might be easy for you to be critical of this suggestion, citing that some may take advantage of their freedom from the law, but I think it's time we stop concerning ourselves so much about those skirting the law while chasing their flesh, and concern ourselves more with loving the people we encounter. God is able to convict their hearts, far more able than you are. A critical spirit will drive them from your presence, but an understanding heart will engage their mind and make them open to the Spirit's voice.

Like I said, there are times to be critical, but probably not nearly as often as we think. And when it comes to interacting with each other, our criticism is devastatingly contagious.

If you want to see a real-life demo of the spread of this disease, watch your family objectively for a day. This is when I am most discouraged with my failures. When I wake up critical, grumpy, and demanding, I see my eldest son being impatient, frustrated, and bothered by his siblings. I see my second son being discouraged by his own mistakes, and my little girl assuming we are all out to make her life miserable. All of this snowballing from a few small remarks I made, about how they clear their dishes, or how they put away a toy.

This should not be so! Once again, I look at my long-term goal for my family: to know God and make Him known. When I watch my children clear their own dishes, do they see God from what I say? When I wait for my slow-poke to put on shoes, does he feel a loving presence over him? When I am impatiently talking to the cashier at Target, do my kids see me loving a stranger, or does the stranger see God's patient kindness? Or are my constant evaluations of everyone else's behavior and performance fuel for anger and discouragement, creating a divide between myself and others?

I think you see what I am saying now. Our critical spirits cause separation. Our voiced opinions of performance spread discouragement. Our constant disappointment with other people's choices spread a fear of never living up to expectations.

Break the cycle, stop voicing your disappointment, and turn your criticisms into prayers. It's easy to see what we don't like in other people, and hard to admit what we don't like about ourselves. But the sooner we confess our failures and commit to living well despite them, the sooner we are back on the path God has for us.

It is freeing to put that measuring tape down, to simply enjoy the people in our lives without constantly checking to see if they are living the way we think they should. I'm always surprised by how much more my children accomplish when I set aside my critiques. They act better, love more easily, and live with confidence. This form of excellence is what I am after, for myself and my children. But it will never be found when criticism is the reigning spirit. Love of truth, honor, justice, purity, loveliness, and praiseworthy things are what will bring that joy of fellowship, with my family and with those I encounter every day. Let these things reign in your life more than methods, criticisms, or behavioral expectations. Trust me, you will see the difference and wonder what took you so long!

Giving Meaning.

I have been in a funk off and on the past month. Maybe it's been more like the better part of a year. I get like this every so often and sometimes it takes me a while to get back to "normal". Whatever that really means.

Early in our marriage, these funk days were pretty problematic. My husband wanted to help by getting me out of the house, but I wanted to sleep all day.  He wanted to go have fun, but I wanted to sit and figure everything out. Eventually, I realized a lot of these "funk" days were just bad days. The type of days where you wake up in a mood and nothing can lift you out. I learned to hang on, wait out the sad feelings, try to forget the swirling thoughts, and not make any important decisions until a few days later, when I felt a bit more stable. This often works pretty well for me, at least, it did until I had several children!

While homeschooling kids, a funk day is a recipe for disaster. I try to make these days good for the kids, but sometimes I totally lose my cool. Then I live with the regret, the analyzing of every decision I've ever made, and then try to repent and apologize for my bad behavior, all while also trying not to actually admit I have a problem.

This problem has been cropping up in weird places lately. For instance, I used to love taking naps. When my second son was a baby, I took four or five naps each week until he was 18 months old. 18 months! After having my daughter two and a half years ago, I've taken about ten naps total. And most have been on the couch while she watched Frozen or Thumbelina. Part of this is because I literally do not have time to nap, but another part is the insane guilt I feel about sleeping when there are other things I could be getting done. It doesn't matter what those things are - folding laundry, washing dishes, making jewelry, reading books, working out - I cannot stand the idea of forfeiting an important activity to catch up on a little sleep.

I've been having the same problem at bedtime. How can I go to bed at 9:30pm when I could potentially get another hour of reading in, or online training, more earrings made, or folding laundry? Okay, maybe not the laundry.

Every day I have this burning desire, or sometimes a weighty obligation, to cram in as much meaningful, productive, important activity into my day as possible. The more items I check off my list, the better I feel. But lately, I am still going to bed with this strange uneasiness, even on my best days. I'm still frustrated, disappointed, feeling unaccomplished, still longing, but I can never really put my finger on why.

Finally, the other night, I had an epiphany: I keep looking at my day, for whatever I accomplish or achieve, to give meaning to my life, to make my activities and efforts worthwhile and important. I see how my kids act, how clean my house is, and how my meal plan is coming along (don't worry, it's not) and then at 11pm I try to convince myself I lived a day worth living. And it's not working. I mean, I've known it hasn't been working, but I've been stuffing that suspicion down for a while. The other night, I finally nailed down this problem.

I don't give my life meaning. God gives my life meaning. His work, His timing, His agenda. Not me, not my kids, not my efforts, or personal accomplishments. It's so simple, it feels a little crazy! But if I can manage to turn to Him and say "There it is. There's my day. Thank you for letting me live it. I cannot wait to see what you do with it." then I can go to bed, resting fully in His promise to redeem my life and I can finally sleep well, sleep happily. And I will wake up happy. Or at least not filled with dread. It's a heavy burden to try and make my homeschooling, stay-at-home life be meaningful. I know it's a blessing to my kids and husband, but it often feels small and unimportant in the grand scheme of life.

My kids' lives will be meaningful, because God makes them meaningful. My efforts to give my kids a fun dessert will be meaningful, because God makes meaning out of my service. Instead of trying to figure out what is the best possible way to make my time meaningful for those around me, I can tune into God, see the gifts of His beauty all around me, and enjoy it! The most wonderful part about this is how He often takes tiny, unexpected things, and makes them immensely meaningful for the unsuspecting person. How awesome is that? It doesn't rely on me! I just have to show up with a willing heart. I've been incredibly independent and controlling since I was pretty small, so it's weird I haven't figured this out before. My desire to control meaning, to control what makes my life valuable, actually inhibits me from enjoying the life God has given me. I mean, my husband has told me this maybe 1,000 times, more or less, but I feel like I am finally seeing how it practically works out in my day. I hope this is a helpful insight I can to pass along to those of you experiencing the same dread I was navigating.

Do you plan activities based on how important you think they will be for your kids? Do you go on adventures with a grand plan for how your family will remember the day? Do you pick out books for them to read, hoping they love it as much as you, then are unable to shake the disappointment when it doesn't work out how you hoped? Our hopes for a meaningful, important life are normal. But, they are set in the wrong places. Our God is bigger than an activity, an adventure, or a book. He is everywhere, working in everything, and you don't have to plan one second of it. Yes, you should plan dinner, and maybe some fun family outings, but you don't have to consider or carry the burden of how meaningful they will be. There is no level of performance necessary for God to use any particular moment to shape your child's life.

Let's take a little pressure and self-reliance off our plates. It will be good for our souls. And it will be healthy for our families as well. Of course, I'm still working this all out in my family, but I don't doubt God. I know trusting Him for an outcome is always a safer bet than trusting myself. He has already given us more than we realize, more than we can ever take advantage of. So expect a little more from Him, yet again. Hand Him that plate of meaning. Let Him show you what all those goodies are and how they were made. It might require you to wait, to trust in Him more, but it'll also allow you to enjoy the time you spend waiting to see what else He has concocted for you. This makes tomorrow way more exciting. Heck, it might even make Mondays really good too!

Last thought, and a mostly related verse to remind you of what we have in Christ:

"He who did not spare his own son but gave him up for us all; 

how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?" 

Romans 8:32

God gave you the very best gift while you were His enemy. Now, as part of his team, He alone will give your life, your efforts, and your sacrifices meaning. Give it all to Him.

Just Do It.

My husband works for Nike. No, this isn't a Nike plug. But their slogan is incredibly applicable to my life situation for many reasons. 

Years ago, my husband gave me some great advice. I wasn't asking for it at the time and surprisingly, it still stuck well. He was emptying the dishwasher for me and I honestly have no idea what I was doing - maybe standing there in the kitchen doing nothing? Zoning out after a rough day with the boys? Anyway, he goes to put the strainer away and asks "Where does this go again?". 

I will admit, it was not my best moment. I can't say I reacted well. Even writing it out now I feel pretty ridiculous. We had lived in that house for over a year, he was the primary dishwasher-emptier, and the strainer was a hot commodity in our kitchen. Annoyed, I answered "Sheesh, under the corner cupboard. Why do you always forget? You put it down there all the time." He was so cool and collected. He replies "Is there any reason why you can't just say that nicely?" 

I was a little shocked, mostly because I really couldn't think of a good reason! What did I think my harsh tone would accomplish? Did I really think replying with a poor attitude and a demeaning spirit was going to somehow help his brain store that information better? It was a little embarrassing. I'm so grateful my husband is such a laid back person, willing to reconcile at the slightest hint of an apology. I halfway mumbled, "Uh, well, I guess not." and he just went happily along, unloading the rest of the dishwasher. 

This encounter is recalled in my memory at least once a week. It applies to virtually every heated conversation you might have, and in my childrearing and homeschooling this little nugget is a frequented piece of advice. When I feel like raising my voice, if I can recall this little thought and "Just Do It", our day goes so much more smoothly. When I feel exasperated at a child who cannot shower in less than 20 minutes, if I can kindly remind him to finish up quickly, our entire interaction is pleasant instead of me feeling shame in how I spoke, and him feeling the guilt of my scorn. When I walk into a giant disaster in virtually any room in our home, if I can ever so sweetly remind my children how to treat their toys, or my stuff, or encourage them to clean up what they aren't using, everyone has much kinder hearts toward one another.

I just have to do it. Fake it 'til you make it. This is not a bad thing! Why would faking a pleasant tone (which most young children won't even realize is fake) be a bad way to talk to our children? Why would speaking kindly instead of explosively ever be a poor decision?  That poor decision of speaking in anger or frustration is a decision I make too often. But my husband's little piece of advice has been a life-saver for me. I forget to grab hold of it many days, but I can see myself making small steps toward speaking in love more consistently. Don't misunderstand me, I don't always feel like being loving, and I don't expect to ever feel like a loving person all the time. I am human. I will mess up. I will never be perfect all the time or react the right way all the time. None of us will.

This is why I think "Just Do It" applies so well to these types of situations. When we know love is the best option, but we cannot muster the courage to genuinely love in that moment, we can use loving words to prevent the onslaught that might otherwise occur. We can choose a pleasant tone to guide our children, guiding them away from shame or fear, and guarding our hearts from escalating into  turmoil over our sin. Truthfully, we can never muster genuine love in ourselves anyway, it is a gift from God. Ask for this gift from Him, ask to feel loving toward your husband, your children, and the people you encounter every day. But don't sit there and wait to feel loving, starting wars with your words and damaging your littles along the way. You're never too far gone to start practicing kind words. And actually, maybe the further gone you are, the more your loved ones will see the change. 

So please, Just Do It. Speak kind words. Even through clenched teeth. It is still better than the alternative. And while you are at it, give those kind words to those you love via email, Facebook, the phone, in person, even to the random stranger behind the coffee counter. There can never be too many kind words floating around. They are free, they redeem so much more than we can imagine, and they offer you an entryway into a legacy of kindness few leave behind these days. Don't worry about how terrible your habits might be, or how far you'll need to go in order to be labeled "kind" by those you know. It's so much better to start now than waiting until tomorrow. Just like moaning over how long it'll take to get in the shower and get ready, it takes longer to do it the longer you wait to start!

Feel free to steal from my easy list and dive in on that kind-words-habit tonight.

Instead of:

- Hey, don't touch that!

- Come on, finish that math paper right now!

- Goodness gracious, can you get any slower?

- Why did you leave your plate out again?

- What were you thinking? 

Say:

- No, no. That's not for touching sweety.

- Keep going on that math paper, you can do it!

- Let's try to move a little faster. Can I help you out?

- Hey bud, looks like you left your plate on the table again. Can you clear it please?

- Hmm, why did you do that? What did you think was going to happen?

I know this seems kind of cheesy, and maybe you think this is being totally fake. But I cannot tell you what a difference it makes in our day when I am intent on speaking love to my family, even on days where I feel it is an impossible task. It is amazing what humbling myself and being obedient in this small thing does for my heart towards all of them. In turn, their love for me becomes even more evident, spurring us all on together towards love and goodness. What can it hurt? Give it a try and tell me what you think! I'll leave you with this wisdom from Solomon…

"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up strife." Psalm 15:1

The Next Best Thing.

No, I'm not talking about daydreams, 2nd bests, or future ambitions. I'm talking about what to do next, when everything feels a little bit pointless.

This week has been discouraging. My kids have actually been pretty average - average attitude, average performance, average enthusiasm, average in everything really. But me? My attitude has been the pits! The dark, murky, muddy, suck-everyone-in pits. Not fun for the people in my house. My behavior has been decent, but my heart has been a mess. Some of this is rooted in my inability to make a decision and stand by it. Most of it is rooted in my inability to trust God and stay in His Word.

I feel a lot worse being so distraught in my heart and mind when my week has not even been very demanding. Not a lot on the schedule, a lot of homeschooling, but nothing unreasonable. No crazy appointments, no sickness or missed naps, no friendships falling apart or deaths in the family. I feel frustrated and upset at myself, then I get even more angry at how I can feel so upset when my situation is not incredibly difficult.

If you are homeschooler, I hope you can relate to all the tiny things I allow to lead me to despair:

- multiple math lessons with multiple groans
- correcting the same words during reading time over, and over, and over, and over
- the need to harass children to brush teeth for the 10th time at 11am
- children who wander off to play if you don't monitor them every 5 seconds
- children who refuse to wander off to play and would rather wail during an already excruciating math lesson
- interruptions from anyone and everyone, multiple times a day, multiple times a lesson
- tables full of strewn papers, crayons and misplaced craft supplies
- trying to time laundry, meals & other chores conveniently between lessons and nap-time
- crumbs, mostly in just the dining area and kitchen, but so many of them
- heaps of clean, but unfolded, week-old laundry


There are a lot of other contributing factors, but I don't want this post to be full of whining the entire time. I really do have some encouragement to give, promise.

I had been trying to keep it together all yesterday, and really did have some sweet moments with my kids. I try to not grow bitter when other moms complain about dealing with their kids on a snow-day, I try not to be jealous and accept these "consequences" of my choice, and my husband's choice. I desperately try not to put this homeschooling choice up on a platter to be dissected in my mind again this week. It's all really hard, and I don't have a great explanation for why. I have a few ideas, but nothing tangible, or fixable. Yes, I am selfish and tending to the kids for a better part of the day requires a lot of selflessness. Yes, there are other ambitions I have which offer much more short-term reward, both in money and praise. Yes, there are a lot of things that would be easier in my life if I weren't homeschooling. But none of these reasons settle my heart and mind the way I desire to be settled.

A lot of good things have happened, are happening and will happen as a result of my choice. There are a lot of good things in the future for any loving parent too, even if their sacrifice has nothing to do with homeschooling. This is part of why I try not to grow jealous or bitter towards other parents, because God will bring about good in SO many places. Knowing God has goodness in store here on earth in every circumstance is a lovely reminder, but this still wasn't giving me peace in my soul or a tangible way to redirect my heart.

While the bread was baking before dinner last night, I sat down to finish a book I got for Christmas. It's called The Best Yes by Lysa Terkeurst, and it has been a very practical tool for me in regards to thinking about my choices. Yesterday's chapter really gave me some encouragement! She talks about how sometimes our good choices do not guarantee good results, and how we cannot allow this to make us question ourselves and our weaknesses. What we often need to do is keep moving forward and make the next best choice. Whatever that choice is. For me, it was asking my son to clear the table in a sweet voice, rather than a voice filled with angst or frustration. I have not been extremely willing to choose a cheerful attitude, but to choose to ask for this task to be done using my nice voice was a simple choice to make. So easy! And effective. And actually, he responded better and I left the interaction without guilt or frustration. Win-win.

Lysa quotes C.S. Lewis toward the very end of her book,

“[E]very time you make a choice you are turning the central part of you, the part of you that chooses, into something a little different than it was before. And taking your life as a whole, with all your innumerable choices, all your life long you are slowly turning this central thing into a heavenly creature or a hellish creature: either into a creature that is in harmony with God, and with other creatures, and with itself, or else into one that is in a state of war and hatred with God, and with its fellow creatures, and with itself. To be the one kind of creature is heaven: that is, it is joy and peace and knowledge and power. To be the other means madness, horror, idiocy, rage, impotence, and eternal loneliness. Each of us at each moment is progressing to the one state of the other.”

No matter where you are, take heart and make the next best choice. Even if it's a dumb, easy, seems-silly-to-even-think-about-it choice. When you do this, when you choose to do good even when you feel like being bad, you are winning over your flesh. You are allowing God to win over the sin in your heart because you are listening to what He said in His Word and are obeying His voice despite your flesh urging you the other way. This won't always still the voice of doubt in your mind, or your heart, but it's much better than digging yourself into a hole of poor choices, filled with apologies coming due. This is the simplest, easiest way to get your heart back in line - to honor God and choose good in small ways. They will add up, and you will be pointing yourself toward His goodness, His will for you, with each good choice.

I'll leave you with this over-used, well-loved, super encouraging verse. Think long term, think about what it really means to work for eternity, and don't ever give up... every small choice counts.

"And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up." Galatians 6:9