Called to Prepare.

When I hear the word prepare, the first thing I think of is preparing for the worst. I do it all the time. Whether it's taking everything I might possibly need in case of a disaster with me to Target or mentally striving to be ready for whatever may come my way in a social setting, I like to be prepared. Usually, I am extremely over prepared, which I'm not sure always gives off the best impression, but what can you do? I love to be prepared. And that's one reason why I am excited for this month's calling!

This month's theme was already decided back in December, and I found it particularly interesting that on Easter, April 1st, I would be intentionally thinking about and decidedly preparing for Jesus' return. Did I actually do this all day? Eh, not so much. I did a lot of thinking and wrestling with my own heart, which often has good results and is needed, but I went to bed frustrated. Actually, I feel like I go to bed most nights frustrated with my accomplishments and not especially looking forward to the next day. And I have several theories about why this is, but a large part of my discontent seems to rise from the frustrating dichotomy I sense in my heart. 

I want a good life now. I want all the rewards I can gain in eternity. But can I truly live out both of these desires? Can I pursue my dreams and pursue the selfless life Jesus calls me to? And here's the big one: am I willing to lay down anything God asks me to and happily go after His plans? 

These types of questions often feel really vague. What is God really calling me to? What does that mean for what I do today? That is why I am working through this series. I want all of us to grasp the idea that God doesn't usually just up and give you a precise mission, clear as day. He walks us through situations where our obedience will lead us to the next step along His path for us. That's why Knowing Him, Obeying Him, and Receiving His Mind are such important first steps. And it nicely leads us to this month's Call: to prepare for Christ's return. 

As of now, most of my daily life does not revolve around Jesus' return. I don't browse Facebook as a result of seeking to be ready for Jesus to come from the clouds. I don't obsess over my hair or clothing or makeup because of any eternal value they have. I don't arrange my errands or my to-dos based on the chance that Jesus might call an end to this earth. And it all makes me think I should be considering that end result more often, more seriously.

In this call to prepare for Jesus to come again, there are a few specific tasks in the bible that keep popping up. One of them links really well with something my oldest son said today that really touched my heart. I asked him if he knew this was his last day on earth, what would he do. He immediately responded with "I would say something nice to everyone I see." I thought it was so sweet, his care and concern for other people, his last chance to leave a mark on this world. And this is also what the bible tells us to do. 

Task #1 - encourage one another

Because we do not know the hour of His return, we ought to encourage one another. Not just in whatever random pursuits they are chasing, but in being sober-minded and keeping our faith, love and hope secure in eternity, not in the enjoyment of sin, of this decaying earth, or of the pleasures of the world and culture. 

Another part of this preparation is being blameless. Not never sinning, but always striving to keep from sin and to repent as soon as we see our waywardness.

Task #2 - pursue being blameless, seek sanctification

In 1 Thessalonians Paul talks much about the end goal, about what he is hoping for at the return of Jesus. He even says that his glory will be in boasting of the Thessalonians at Jesus' coming. Paul says he hopes and prays for them to grow in love for one another so that their hearts would be established, blameless in holiness on that last day (1 These 3:11-13). In chapter 4 he says the will of God is their sanctification. In much of 1 Peter we also catch phrases about "being holy" and being sober-minded since the end is at hand. It glorifies God when we are active participants in the sanctifying work He is doing in our lives. We ought to strive toward it, as Paul says in Philippians 3, trusting that it is God's work making us holy and continue looking forward to the day when we will finally be perfect with Him. 

Another idea that stands out to me about trying to prepare for Christ's return is the work of actively doing what will lead to a reward in heaven. 

Task #3 - store up heavenly rewards

In Matthew 6 Jesus tells us to lay up treasure in Heaven, for where our treasure is, so our heart will be. So our works, our efforts of gaining for ourselves, ought to be directed toward what we will gain in eternity. If we know what will lead to eternal rewards, and can do that (even if we prefer something with a more immediate reward) I believe it will lead our hearts into desiring eternity with God the way we should, the way God wants us to. And the more we love and long for Heaven, the easier it will be to live a holy life, a life that blesses others, and a life that builds eternal riches. 

Lastly, I can't help but think about death in all of this. In all likelihood, I will face death before Jesus comes. We probably all like to think that He will come during our lifetime (myself included) but recently I feel like I cannot escape the reality of the fragility of life. I keep finding myself thinking "Am I ready to die?" Not in a morbid way (at least I don't think so) but in a way that looks at how I would be leaving my family and friends behind, wondering if I really gave them all I could have. I wonder if I honestly gave my all to Jesus' work or if I just dabbled in obeying when it seemed interesting or beneficial for me. This leads me to the last task.

Task #4 - be ready to leave the world behind

Francis Chan talks a little bit about this in his book about marriage: You and Me Forever. If we fear leaving the world behind, do we really trust God about how much more incredible and awesome it will be to be in His presence? I want to be excited to leave this world, not scared or dreading it. We need to believe that the best is yet to come. Being done with our flesh is the ultimate gift, the end that is guaranteed to happen. It should not cause us to want to end this life, but to work hard for the sake of Jesus. I do not do enough to prepare for my end on earth, but I want to embrace it with joy. I want to mean it like Paul does when he says "to die is gain." 

What does this all mean for my month? Well, I am aiming to ask myself about these four tasks when I am struggling with my heart, with my time management, or with my responses to life's demands. 

Does this bless and encourage the people around me?

Does this lead to my sanctification?

Does this have eternal value?

Will I be glad to leave it all behind?

Obviously, we can't always know the eternal value of our actions. But we can definitely see when there is none. Like my endless scrolling on Facebook instead of cleaning my home or investing in my children... it's pretty obvious which options have greater value. 

In my mind, preparing for Christ's return is all about remembering what is important. When we know and value the things that are eternal, it will lead us down a path that is just plain better. Better for others, better for our hearts, better for our eternity. In all our preparation, we will be getting our eyes off ourselves and onto Christ. I'm amazed at how easy it is to start thinking about myself and completely forget to consider what God is doing, or how He would have me respond. But intentionally turning my mind and heart to His eternal plan does wonders for my mind, body, and soul.

Are you ready? Are you willing? Are you scared? Don't be :) God only has the good end in mind. Any hardship or tragedy that comes along your path is not in vain. It is used by Him and will be redeemed. Like Paul says in Philippians 3:8-9

"Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For His sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith."

We should not strive to be justified by our works, but our faith in Jesus' work of justification should lead us to serving Him wholeheartedly, being prepared and eager for His return.

My prayer for you this month is that you are strengthened in your heart and in your convictions. That you have confidence in what you do, knowing that you are truly pursuing an eternal reward instead of a pleasure-filled life on earth. I know this will bring us greater peace and make a greater impact on His kingdom. Double-win!

Don't forget to add yourself to our Facebook group for some freebies, discussion, and sometimes some live videos too. I'm so thankful to be on this journey with you! 

Daily Staples of Love.

I feel like I have done a lot of growing up this previous year. Not just learning a few life lessons here and there, or because of all the intentional studying I've done, or that I've simply become more knowledgeable about life in general. But I truly feel as if I am finally gaining some wisdom about how to live a good life and I am working hard, begging God to make these new habits a part of who I am, the way I naturally live.

Several books I have read this summer, or am currently reading, have contributed to this growth tremendously. And while watering my potted plants out back the other day, a lot of these separate ideas and random thoughts were connecting in my mind. I recently read something totally unrelated that connected well with these ideas I've been wanting to share with you and I hope they encourage your heart and bring you peace.

I'm sure you're all familiar with Aesop's fable The Tortoise and the Hare. The unlikely candidate wins the race (don't worry, I'm not talking any politics in this post) and the fastest, most able, most likely candidate loses. And what was the determining factor? Was his mindset to blame, or his actions? Which came first, the chicken or the egg? If his mindset was different, surely his actions would have been different as well, you think?

I'm seeing what an impact our thought-life has on our actions. This is not just popular psychology  either, the bible talks about it too! See Romans 8:5-6 and 12:2, 2 Corinthians 10:5.

Just like the hare, it's easy to let what we think is going on around us dictate our choices, instead of letting what we know is right and good determine what we do.

This is giving me more reason to pause and consider what I'm doing, how I'm reacting, and what I am dwelling on more throughout the day. Our thoughts shape our physical minds and that should cause us to take what we think more seriously. What we think about ourselves, the God we serve, the family we love, and the life we live hugely impacts the actions we take throughout the day and throughout our lives. Not just the major, life-altering decisions, but the little choices that pile up. They carve the path we travel and cumulatively create the life we live.

Being a homeschooler, I have tried to make my home a haven for my family. We are here a lot, and I want it to be peaceful, relatively tidy, and a period of life my kids will look back on with fondness. I should say now, I am not naturally gifted in this, and I don't feel like I do a great job. Since our move to this new house, I've been trying to be more intentional about it, but it so easily slips my mind. I can definitely see when my kids are more on edge because of my mood, but I'm not very good at those small daily habits of keeping my attitude in check or keeping my reactions from getting out of hand. I forget that cleaning the whole house at once is miserable, as is dealing with a ton of negative emotions in one sitting (read: sob-fest), but if I can just do a little of the work every day, both emotionally and physically in my home, it will feel less overwhelming to tackle and navigate.

As I was watering some plants the other day, some of these thoughts and pieces came together. Watering the plants out back was originally Asher's chore, but he has not taken to it as well as I hoped, and I've often been too distracted or too tired to remember to remind him to do it. So, on random mornings, I'll go out there by myself and gain a few moments of solitude. These plants, they are not doing so well. Some are dying, a few are totally dead, and some will get to looking very wilty then perk back up again after a few continuous days of watering. All of these plants need more than just a big soaking here and there. They need a bit of water every day. The same goes for so many things in life for us.

This is one of my more regularly watered plants... it's less green than when I got it, but surviving better than the plants outside. 

My kids need more than just an intense season of schoolwork, a few deep conversations about God, or random spurts of love and affection from me. It is the small, daily actions that add up to the life of abundant peace and joy I so desperately want for my kids. 

My kids need a regular diet of hearing God's word, of receiving affection from me, of having their minds stimulated by truth and beauty. And in regards to enjoying life and having lots of opportunity, sometimes the big, huge thing we think will be memorable for a lifetime turns out to be a big flop. For me, it's the little things my parents did that I remember most fondly, habits of spending time with us, or just enjoying being together.

This has been a comforting revelation for me, as we are not big vacationers and don't do any camping, and as my summer has been a bit more "me-centered" than I intended. The guilt over not giving my children what I see other moms giving theirs has been hard for me to navigate. One lifestyle does not fit all families, and I know what my kids need better than anyone else, but it's hard to fight feeling like I could be doing more for them. And while yes, a vacation to Disneyland sounds like a blast, it is not what will make my children's lives wonderful. More importantly, my daily attitude and interactions with them is what will enable them to get the most out of life.

It will never be the rare, extravagant vacations or sparse, exotic experiences that determine the outcome of their hearts and lives.

If you struggle with feeling let down after big plans have been made or large events have been thrown, or if you have a hard time figuring out what to do to make your home more life-giving, don't think that a magnificent vacation or elaborate birthday party will make everything magically wonderful. Those are blips of fun and excitement thrown in, not the foundation of your lives together. It is the daily grind that will either grind you down or polish you up. It is the moment-by-moment interactions with your children that will shape how they see themselves and how they see the world around them.

I do want to talk more about little habits and tricks you can implement, just small things to help you see how easy it can be to get your mind into a better space, but that will have to wait for another day. The big task I am working on right now is making my daily reactions to the kids better. Instead of being frustrated with the continual questions, I am setting clearer boundaries (with explanations) for them, then giving them my full attention when it is needed and appropriate. Instead of being in a huff about having to help my four-year-old with something, I try to act like I am glad to serve her (because really, I should be happy to help) and make sure I actually see her, acknowledge her, and notice something I love about her during those small moments.

These little tasks might seem silly or inconsequential, but it is building a habit of appreciating my children and teaching them how to love and live with other people. It's taking actions I know are good and beneficial and putting them into my life intentionally. I want to naturally enjoy chatting with my kids, but if I only do this when it's convenient for me, my kids will pick up on this and no longer strive for my attention.

Overall, I am learning that these small habits, the little ways I act, and the little ways I react to others, make a large, long-term impact. Sadly, I'm not usually very impressed by my own actions or reactions, and I definitely need God's help in aligning my life with the way He wants me to live. Little by little, my heart is being filled, my mind is being renewed, and my kids are being loved. It might not look glamorous or exciting, but over the course of their lives it will look like love, commitment, intentionality, sacrifice... all the things they will need to understand and observe in order live a good life.

If I could encourage you in one thing today, it would be to love them well in any small way you can find. Don't let discouragement about what you can't do, rob you of what you can do. Water the people in your life every day! Don't wait until you have something fantastic planned. Wipe those bottoms with a sweet smile for your child, answer their questions with a "yes dear" instead of a "what!?", and tell them what a gift they really are every chance you get. Make love and encouragement a staple in your home. Do it every day and enjoy the growth you will find all around you.





*In case you are curious, here are affiliate links to some of the books I have been enjoying that have contributed to some of my thinking:

A Hunger for God by John Piper
The Road Back to You by Ian Morgan Cron and Suzanne Stabile
The Growth Mindset Coach by Annie Brock
The Happiness Advantage by Shawn Achor
Anchored In by Micah Maddox

Leaving On a Jet Plane.

It's that time of year again! Time for me to hop on a plane, endure a LONG flight, and be blessed beyond what I can imagine. Seriously, it's that great.

SheSpeaks is a Christian women's Writing and Speaking conference, and the team at Proverbs 31 Ministries really goes all out on our behalf. Meals are amazing, the setting is gorgeous, and content is motivating, bible-based, and ever-so-practical. There are loads of books for sale, even more lovely women who have the same burning passion to share God's compelling truth with others, and an enormous amount of great conversation.

Last year I met handfuls of women I loved, and thankfully, I have kept in touch with many of them! It's been incredibly fruitful to be connected with these Christian Writers and Speakers. They bless me through their persistence, their failings, their advice, and their friendship. You know who you are ladies :)

This year, I decided to take the Writer's Track and meet with a couple publishers. I have been working half-heartedly on several book ideas, and I figured having a set appointment with a professional would gently force me to get going on them. It worked, that's for sure! So Friday evening and Saturday evening I get to meet with two different leading women in the publishing industry. I feel well prepared, but I also know this is simply dipping my toes into this world. I cannot wait to glean from them, hear their opinion of my ideas, and make even more progress with my writing and sharing.

In most settings like this, it's rare for someone to walk away with a book deal solidified. Instead, many walk away with contacts in the industry and a plan for refining, pitching your idea again later, and the only real promise you may get is for LOTS of work ahead. But honestly, I am up for that! I am here to learn, not to land a book deal. I am flying across the country to fellowship and grow, not for the sake of my own name or career, but for God's glory, for His plan. And while all these things will hopefully culminate to my book coming to life someday, what I really want is to be used by God so that others know Him better. This is the phrase I am going to repeat to myself over and over when I get nervous, when I over-analyze my outfits, and as I do my makeup. All the surface stuff, all the "results" from my time, are in God's worthy, capable hands, and I can most definitely trust Him to do something wonderful, no matter what it looks like to me.

If you don't follow me on Instagram yet, I want to give you a heads up: I started a more formal account that will pertain to just my writing, blogging, and speaking. There will be weekly encouragement, and at least monthly giveaways! Right now, I am giving away the book Uninvited by Lysa Terkeurst. Go find me @joellenlarmstrong and enter right away. The drawing is tomorrow - yay!

I hope this week is life-giving for you, no matter where your responsibilities take you. I can't wait to share more with you this year, and be sure to come back next week for an update on my time at SheSpeaks. Here are just a couple pics from last year - such good memories!

Flying solo! Also, PDX carpet rules.

I was SO nervous. My only coping mechanisms were deep breaths, prayers, and selfies.

It was awesome to sit up front and listen to Lysa share tips to getting your best idea for a book out of your soul and onto paper.

They had such a lovely set-up for getting photos taken!

All the ladies from the Suite 314 Speaking Group.

And last, but not least, both ladies names Sarah May were in one of my first sessions... sitting one row apart. God is so funny like that. They are both wonderful! 

Trusting for the Impossible.

If you have grown up in church, or have been in church for long, you're familiar with the idea of leaning on Jesus. He is to supply all our needs, to do what we cannot do ourselves. And yes, this is true! In my selfish state, I cannot make myself want to be a patient mom, and I cannot will my heart to love my family with a true servant's heart apart from Jesus changing my desires. But it really is funny how God seems to take something you think you knew, then lay it out in a brand new light, usually through circumstances you would not wish on anyone else.

Last week I had my first practicum of the year. Being involved in Classical Conversations has given me a place to work on my learning and speaking endeavors, so two summers ago and this summer I have been able to speak at a few of our three-day Practicum sessions. This is where we work together to better understand a specific topic, learn how to implement classical tools of learning in our daily teaching endeavors, and then practice what we are learning together. It's loads of fun, and loads of work. I speak for three days, do at least 80+ hours of reading, editing slides, and just overall coordinating materials. Each day is about five or six hours total of standing on stage, leading discussion, and sharing information. For some reason, I am just naturally wired to love it!

Although, I'm not the best at packing!

Back to last week, I was in Eugene for the three days and got to enjoy some time with my baby sister, who is really not a baby anymore, as well as visit Gutenberg College, and make a bunch of new friends. But God had a small kink He was going to throw into my plans. Monday night I became immensely sick, slept only two hours, and then it was time to get ready for day number two. No big deal, right? Ha! I cannot remember the last time I slept only two hours, but I guarantee I did not do anything important the next day. I cannot remember the last time I felt so miserable for so long either! And again, those sick days are usually followed by lots of TV for the kids and mom laying on the couch. So to say I was concerned at 6am is probably an understatement.

As I called, texted, and left messages with people in charge, I decided to try to get ready, do the bare minimum to be presentable, and hope for the best. I started to feel less nauseous, but I was feverish and sweating, had the car turned up to 80 degrees, and tried to rest on the heated seats. I really needed to just get through the first session, then we had plans for someone else attending who would be able to take over if needed. After being prayed over several times, and willingly stepping forward to do my job, I made it through the morning, and by lunch time I was laughing about how crazy it all was.


Now, I didn't go into those first sessions saying "God will provide for all my needs." I simply showed up and hoped I wouldn't die. I know God does not always provide the things I think I need, or help me achieve grand or amazing accomplishments. I know that His plans are often different than mine and, usually, a lot less comfortable. And this insane experience of mine was confirmation that God is doing works that are far beyond my understanding.

Feeling almost normal on Day 3 of Eugene Practicum! 

In church the following Sunday, we sang about how much we need Jesus, and the pieces of the puzzle started to come together a bit. I know that God must have supplied my need that Tuesday at Practicum, because I have never done anything coherent on only two hours of sleep. But how often do I go into situations in my life, fully confident in God's ability to accomplish His plans, not bemoaning the cost of those works? And more so, how often do I work hard in all my endeavors, trusting God to give my kids, my family, and the people I am investing in, what only He can give? Or do I simply look at myself, get frustrated at my inability, and sit alone in defeat?

I still don't really know why on earth God would have allowed me to get sick when I did, as it was honestly one of my worst nightmares as far at the timing was concerned, but I know I grew from that experience, and I saw God working in me in a far different way than I usually see. I have a different perspective on what it means for God to "supply our need" or to work in us far beyond what we can see or understand. This experience is forcing me to look at my daily life with less trust in myself, but not in a defeated way. I can see my inability and say "I know God has got it covered."

He is always at work, always desiring for us to trust Him in our lack. And not just in our physical lack, or monetary lack, or energy-related lack, but in all ways that we cannot be perfect, He is there, willing to give out the rest. In all our endeavors, when we truly seek His will, He is there making up for all the ways we fall short. We don't need to obsess over what we are unable to give our children, or the goals we still are unable to reach. God is there, working things out, providing for us in both dramatic and normal ways. He barely sustains us when that is all we need, and He gives us great abundance when that is what what we need.

Are you seeing a theme yet? We can trust that whatever provision He is sending, is precisely what we need. This insight has brought me great joy and comfort this week. I think most moms struggle with inadequacy and wondering if they are truly giving their family what they need. But God's provision during my time of need has reminded me that He is always working, always giving my family what they need, through all of my failures, strengths, struggles, and victories. He's making up for my lack and providing me the strength to excel with the gifts He has given.

This is the road to low-stress parenting, and I'm beginning to see it as the road to low-stress life as well: trusting God for all the things we cannot control. And not just hoping it works out, but knowing with full confidence that in every situation God is working out the details for the betterment of our souls. Beautiful comfort, sweet delight, undeserved blessing! Yes, easier said than done, but well worth the effort to pursue.

On Not Being a Quitter.

Gosh, yesterday I wanted nothing more than to be a giant quitter. I know I'm not the only mom to find herself here, but it still doesn't feel great.

I like to think I'm just very busy, maybe slightly over-committed, but this really isn't true in regards to time. It is extremely true in regards to mental energy. For some reason, our culture views the need for down-time, quiet moments, and private reflection as a weakness, for those who don't quite have it together enough. I know this is becoming less of an assumption as it used to be, but while it may not be looked down upon as much, it's still feels like people presume if you are capable of more, you are more worthy of high regard, or just better in general. I'm sure most of my friends and family would not say this flat-out, but I feel a pressure, or maybe an expectation, to fill almost every minute of my day with productivity and usefulness. Needs at church, needs in friendships, needs in my marriage, needs of my children, and the constant pull to do my absolute best in every single endeavor - lately it feels like more than my mind, body, and soul can tolerate.

Yesterday, nothing in particular triggered this quitting response, but at the end of every finished task, there was another task, sitting impatiently, waiting to be picked up and executed. Floors, laundry, schoolwork, dinner, fight-club interventions, etc. There just isn't enough of me to do it all, which is fine when you can hire out the cooking, the laundry, the learning, or the childcare, but those are things we haven't upgraded to quite yet. And for some reason, I'm too stubborn to give up my other endeavors to better balance the demands of my household - I'm still not sure what that means for my future, but I was definitely too stubborn about all of it yesterday.

I get in this funk where I look at all the things on my plate, and since they cannot all be done at maximum effort, I'd rather not do a single one. I long to quit everything. I dream about escaping to a magical, tropical island with little to no responsibility. I am not sure exactly what I'd do with all the time, or with any of my life at that point, but this all-or-nothing fire rages and consumes almost every rational thought in my head until I'm furious about the 10 crumbs that got knocked off a kitchen counter after I had swept and mopped. I sure hope I'm not alone.

Last night, while I was still taking deep breaths, breathing in my happy-oils, and trying to vent a little here on my blog, I started taking steps toward not believing all the lies that keep me in that all-or-nothing mode. Voices tell me that since I started something, I need to finish it. Assumptions linger about what that lady or this person thinks about my capabilities. My inner person taunts that if I can't be the best, I am wasting my time. Doubts creep all about, making me wonder what on earth I am actually doing with my life. All of these things going on in my head need to be shut out so I can enjoy what's going on right now, but I can't seem to quiet them as quickly as I'd like.

I have made improvements. I don't doubt myself as much as I used to. I am mostly okay with not being the absolute best. And I'm pretty darn sure my kids are on a great path, learning all kinds of important things and growing in their ability to think about the world. They have more opportunity than I did as a child, so my guilt over wanting to give them more needs to take a back seat. In order to talk myself down from this level of crazy, I work hard at telling myself the truth, because from there my path is far less confusing, overflowing with grace, and leads to the ultimate destination. But telling myself the truth has to be more than just a positive word, or an uplifting song. The only truths worth clinging to are the ones found in God's word. And if I'm not going there when I feel like quitting, I'm not filling up my mind with any sort of goodness strong enough to dispel the lies attempting to make a home in my brain.

So today, while I don't have any particular choices I am looking for wisdom about, I find that I need a general wisdom to help me know how to interact with my children, my friends, and my spouse in ways that show honor, respect, and sincerity. I need wisdom about what is right, on how to think more rightly, so I can act more rightly. And James 1:5 is a guarantee I cling to...

"If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him."

It's humbling to ask for wisdom when you don't actually want to change, but I know I can't stay in these trenches forever, wanting to quit every other day or acting like a jerk because I'm unhappy with myself. I'm not sure why it's so hard to ask God for good things. I know "good things" doesn't always  mean easy, fun, fulfilling, but the end results are always worth it. If I can just remember that God's ideas of absolute best is the only idea that matters, the only thing I need to embrace, my quitting days will be fewer and far between. I don't have to be the best, the most, the awesomest, or the greatest, just willing to embrace the here, the now, the ugly, the not-so-fun, and whatever else happens to show up. It will truly have to be God-enabled, but I'm pretty sure it'll be worthwhile.

I hope you can relate to this struggle. And I hope my struggle enables you to take courage in yours. It's not just you, it's not just your situation, and it's not just our culture. Our world is falling apart, and the only solid rock we have is God - His promises, His path of redemption, His love.

Learning to Love the Challenge of Growing.

If you remember a while ago, I posted a little about myself and my struggle with certain strengths and desires here. I listed my top five strengths according to the survey in Now, Discover Your Strengths tried to better explain my constant desire to finish well, to do my best, and achieve the greatest possible outcome I can control. As I seem to be given many opportunities to grow in my areas of weakness, lately I have been inspired to see how I can use my strengths in ways that don't seem so obvious at first. These strengths are things I've known about for over 15 years now but I have rarely looked at them objectively, seeking to leverage them in order to fulfill a purpose or achieve a goal - despite being an achiever! Ha! But lately, I've been intentionally embracing these parts of myself and trying to enjoy them, to let them be a blessing to others, even if the opportunity to use them is less than pleasant, and grow into them as much as I can.

I've often been told I am energetic, passionate, and that my excitement over something rubs off on other people. But let me tell you, I hardly ever feel like that energized person for more than moments at a time. This really got to me the last couple years, as more and more strangers would talk about how I inspired them or encouraged them in their learning, or their ambitions, and I would feel a little bit dumbfounded. I tried really hard not to look confused, but that is definitely how I felt.

Days after a big event, or after and meeting where I got to talk about a subject I love, I'd often crash emotionally and wonder if I was being something other than my genuine self in those settings. It wasn't until after SheSpeaks last year that I began to connect the dots about this mystery in my life. With each passing month I am gaining more clarity about myself, my role, my choices, and see the different modes in which I operate. It wasn't that I was not being genuine during those times, but rather than much of my life does not include room for my natural strengths to be used, at least, not in the ways I envisioned, not in the ways that easily rejuvenate me.

How does one "achieve" as a SAHM without making herself overly proud of the role she is in? Plus, I'm bad at cleaning, so my daily list of accomplishments is rarely something to boast about. How does a SAHM feel good about the progress of her projects at home or the things she got started when it's very taboo to brag about home-life and homeschooling your children? I definitely think that is not the way to go, and it would just build walls. How could I possibly Win Others Over or win at anything important when I often prefer to stay home and read a book? Yeah, it definitely does not feel like a lot of winning on those days. Are you seeing how I was feeling? So many of my strengths are not ideal for being a homeschool mom.

For long bouts, I let this defeat me. I succumbed to the idea that a good homeschool mom makes everything from scratch, is 100 percent content to sacrifice most of her time for her kids, or is a patient, soft-spoken, morning person. If I met another woman who didn't struggle with the desire to accomplish something important, I automatically assumed she was better than me, or that something was terribly amiss in my heart. Women can be like this, as I'm sure you know. We analyze ourselves by comparison, it just comes naturally. But we need to start analyzing ourselves by God's standards.

Several things will happen when we do this.

We will be more humble. When we see that we can never live up to the level of perfection and love that God calls us to, we will receive His grace much more willingly and happily.

We will love other women without judgment... or at least less. We will recognize their flaws as innate, not purposeful or impossible to overcome and we will be quick to forgive and overlook offenses. We will desire to see good things in them, to know them better and be real with them more regularly.

We will be free from our own judgements. We will see that God has made us in particular ways for particular purposes, and different seasons of our lives will grow us in different ways. This will enable us to embrace difficult seasons, knowing they are not the only season we will have in life. We will not be fearful of enduring hardship, because we trust it will end in due time and will have its desired effect.

According to God's word, He is preparing me for good works, according to His purposes (Ephesians 2:10). A long season of sacrificing in ways that are not natural, or even desirable, is preparing me for different hard seasons, which may feel easier after having endured those other hard seasons. I will be stronger because of them, or at least, more willing to endure, because I know there will be another spring at the end of each desolate winter.

While I truly love homeschooling and being home with my kids, I see this season not as the pinnacle of my life, but as a season of preparation and opportunity. Part of the great opportunity lies in being the primary person my children turn to for help. They have come to trust me, to see me as the first person they can come to for whatever need they have. What a blessing that is! Another part of this opportunity is the chance to grow in ways that are uncomfortable in the comfort of my home. I stink at serving, I am often a lousy house-wife, and usually pretty bad at being tidy. But, I'm not called out publicly on these things (unless you count admitting this all to you). I can work on these in private and avoid being shamed in front other others. I can get help from people who love me as needed, and my job is not at stake because of my failures.

The preparation aspect of my role at home is a little harder to remember on difficult days. I have many interruptions throughout my day, a lot of people asking me questions, and so many demands placed upon me, both from myself and from others, that I am forced to be more organized and more intentional. But somehow, I still end up getting sidetracked, becoming distracted by other people's success or by my own misery (yes, that's a little dramatic, but I'm just trying to be honest here). I forget to trust the Lord and work with His plans instead of dwelling on my own. When I put my heart into my "work", no matter what that looks like on each particular day, I can trust this work has a good purpose, one God has set in motion to accumulate and build and grow into another purpose He has for me down the road. When I despise this work of being steady, patient, service-minded, and giving, I miss out on being ready for the other works He is setting on my path. They get delayed, or maybe I'm simply less prepared when I finally catch up to them, and there are few things I hate more than not being prepared for something important!

I hope you are catching my drift in all of this rambling. Our strengths are not always used in all the seasons of our lives, but we can find ways to grow no matter the situations we find ourselves in. I am practicing my strength of Winning Others Over by trying to Win my children's hearts and minds over to the Lord's purposes. I try to use my strength of being an avid Learner to show to beauty of learning to those I encounter, young and old alike, and homeschooling really does afford me great opportunity in this certain strength. While my strength of being an Activator is hard when often stranded at home with obligations other than the tasks I'd like to accomplish, I can work on getting the kids started on their tasks, investing in their needs and goals, finding contentment in God's purpose behind being home, not just in my own goals or personal endeavors.

Most of all, I really want you to see how your strengths can still be used in situations that are not what you had planned, or even what seem fitting. No matter where you find yourself, you can use your God-ordained gifts to grow, bless, and be content, despite every single challenge you encounter. When you look back at these seasons of difficulty, you will smile seeing all the ways you grew, all the ways God prepared you for the situation you are currently facing, and know that once again, you will grow, learn, and be fully capable to walk in the truth.

My Big Three and My Biggest Plan.

I love New Years, and I usually make some resolutions, but this year I just never got around to putting them down on paper. After reading The Accidental Creative last year, how I look at my life and my perspective on making progress have changed. I don't think having a bunch of goals is necessarily the best way to ensure you accomplish what you hope to, so instead I'm choosing to narrow my focus and make plans along certain priorities.

In his book Todd Henry recommends having a "Big Three", three main priorities you are always looking at, three goals for the month, three projects, etc. More than three and you're spread too thin. Less than three and you'll get easily distracted and stop moving forward. So what are my big three? Aside from my service to God and my family (which always come before everything else), I am focusing on...

- Homeschooling
- Writing
- My Oils Business

Each week and each month I will have certain objectives and planned tasks in order to keep me on track. I'll have to actually look at my planner, but more on that later. I want to spend a short amount time here on the blog on each of those priorities, and today I'll start with homeschooling.

Several days ago, I was in a major funk. Hardly functioning really, just taking care of daily stuff, completely irritable, and hardly able to think a single thought to completion. I was certainly not my best self. In all reality, I get like this semi-frequently, maybe every other month or so, it's really hard to nail down why. Anyway, I felt like my life was always going to be this under-whleming normal, the person who is always needed, and while often appreciated, I just wasn't feeling like the this life was the best use of myself. I was spending a lot of time thinking about my goals, my ambition, my lack of energy, my giant load of responsibility, and none of it was fitting together enough to make sense.

As I scrolled through Instagram (for maybe the tenth time that day), I came across a friend's post where she quoted a few lines from a book a friend gave her. I don't know all the people I need to thank for making that happen, but Amanda is one if them for sure! Here it is:

"When we are consumed by God's glory, we forget to worry about our own. When our eyes are fixed on Him as the source of all goodness and truth and beauty, we accept that we are not. When we are enamored by His worth and majesty, we can stop being so enamored with ourselves. And fascinatingly, when we seek God's glory, we'll be able to appreciate it in the people around us. Instead of seeing them as threats to our own glory, we will see them as beautiful reflections of His."

This quote is by Hannah Anderson in her book Humble Roots.

Isn't that the perfect reminder? I was so busy trying to figure out my own life, I could not even begin to enjoy my role or look for the silver linings in all the difficult parts of being a homeschool mom, much less lovingly invest in my kids (which is the pretty much the whole point). What makes this quote, this truth, even more refreshing is that our current culture doesn't say this, and much of popular Christianity today does not say this. Famous authors, accomplished people, and many well-known Christian women tell us to look in our heart, to find our true desires, and make those dreams happen. At what point do we admit that our hearts are askew and maybe we have no clue what is really best for our lives?

We are so focused on ourselves that we despise the "inconveniences" we encounter every day, and we miss all the things God is putting in our way to lead us down a better path. If that path is more tumultuous, more painful, or simply less glamorous, we despise it or question how it can possibly be good. We don't actually believe that a life filled with service, alternate plans, and less consideration about our own dreams will actually be better, more fulfilling, and more worthwhile. I think I believe this, but my heart and these tumultuous bouts with my mind prove that I don't believe it as much as I'd like to think.

So what does this have to do with my homeschooling? What I really want is to make my plans and be willing to relinquish them, to be after God's priorities in our schooling time more than my own ideas of what needs to happen and how. I made my agenda for the year, and I want to focus on meeting my kids needs in schooling above my other ambitions. I want to gladly sit down and read to them without resentment, without worrying about my other tasks, without rushing through. I want to savor them, and more than just that, I want to earnestly seek out what God is doing through our homeschooling to grow in relationship with my kids and other homeschool families.

In all of my big three priorities, I need to be reminded of one thing: God's glory is most important. My kids seeing God in my behavior is more important than my shower, bigger than the inconvenience of spilled milk, and far superior to my agenda of getting my seven-year-old to memorize three types of consumers. If I can stop, look to see how wonderful God made each of my children, and look for the way to love them well, my homeschooling endeavors will be accomplished.

For some of you, seeking God's glory might mean handing over the schooling to someone else, or maybe it means asking for help when you don't want to admit you are struggling. It is totally possible that God's glory means pursuing that fire He put in you above a lot of other things in your life. What this decision-making, priority-setting process really comes down to is willingness. How willing are you to drop one thing and move on to whatever it is God is asking you to step into? How hard are you clinging to hopes, dreams, ambitions, or goals that are not God's goals for you and your family? This is a tough pill to swallow, I hear you.

As a very ambitious, type-A, goal-oriented person, I am trying to swallow this pill the best I can. But each time I come back to this idea, every time I remember I am after God's work (not my plan), the pill slides a little further down, bringing more peace and less craziness in my brain. We need to admit we don't always know best, and confess that sometimes we are irrationally clinging to goals that do not make sense in God's kingdom. We have to see that being a person, a mom, a wife, an (insert whatever your main identity word is here), does not actually revolve around us, but around God's work, around His agenda, around His purpose for us in that role.

Why on earth would we want to miss the exciting work of God's plans being forefront in our lives? We really think we know what is best for us, but I know wholeheartedly that we don't. It's time for us to admit it, come face-to-face with the fact that our pouting is mostly about our selfish wants, and less about God's holy work. I want to want what God wants more than the other things I want (still with me?). More than I want to get my own way, more than I want to have everything under my control. I finally feel crazy and overwhelmed enough to admit I cannot figure out my life and my purpose on my own. It feels surprisingly good, I'm not sure why it always takes me so long, or why I constantly forget. The peace we can gain from simply allowing God's work to be the most important thing in our lives is completely unreal. It's not a fair trade, and we are definitely getting the better end of this deal.

Maybe this all seems a bit vague to you, so I'll tell you some tangible things I'll be doing to ensure God's work is my priority.

1. Reading my bible and praying for others will come before Instagram and Facebook. It seems like a no-brainer, but seriously, it can be a problem.

2. Speaking kindly to my children will be a daily goal, sometimes hourly, often every few minutes. Children forgive, but they are shaped by our tone, and this is something I am working really hard to get a grip on.

3. Homeschooling will come before my other priorities. Before trying to get caught up on business posts, or reading, I need to ensure I am using my time for my kids' education without resentment for how it inhibits my schedule. Their educational needs will change, and right now, and for the next three to five years, what they glean from my personal input is huge. It needs to be extremely important, set-apart, and seen as a glorious opportunity to fill my kids up with God's goodness and the beauty of the world He made.

So that's my general homeschooling agenda until summer. Overall, I'm seeing how the biggest investment opportunities we have revolve around people. People are influenced by people. Maybe they are motivated by dollars, by prizes, or prestige, but people rarely find peace, love, or a healthy identity because of those things. So in my big three I will be looking at how I can invest in others the way God would invest in them. Being a good friend, a reliable neighbor, a stable and comforting mother - these are the qualities that I want to see affecting my big three this year. And I'm convinced that as I follow God's lead in these ambitions, no matter what other hopes or dreams fall apart, I will be content knowing I've put a seed of God's love into all the passions I've pursued and into all the people I've invested in.

Another Broken Day, Another Broken Giveaway.

Life often feels broken, especially in this age where we can see tragedy unfolding across the world via the news and social media. It's easy to find heart-wrenching stories, to watch people suffering unimaginable circumstances, and witness death all from the comfort of our homes. What do we do with that? How can we go about our lives, participating where we are able, and yet still function for the sake of our family?

Obviously, there are no clean-cut answers to these questions. We can detach, we can become consumed in good endeavors, and we can pray, but none of these ways of coping really give us much guidance as to what we can do right this minute to help ease the ache inside and make sense of it all. This is why I loved Ann's book so much. She doesn't give quick, simple answers to the overwhelming amount of pain suffered about the globe, but she doesn't ignore it either.

Ann Voskamp's book The Broken Way really exposes the life-long scars that brokenness brings. She also shares the life-long hope we have in relationship with God, and how He can use all our brokenness to bring about joy and communion we might not experience without having been broken first. It's a scary thing to lay your brokenness before others, and it can often lead to more heartache than feels worthwhile, but Ann's courage in sharing her struggle and her experience grows a unique hope and bravery in my own heart, causing me to share my brokenness less reluctantly.

Lucky for you, I have another giveaway, another way for you to dive into understanding how you can look at your brokenness in a way that will bring healing and sweet fellowship to the dark places you try to hide or forget about. I've browsed through the study guide and it is such a fabulous reminder of the goodness we can all receive when we share our heartaches, trauma, tragedy, and despair with those around us. Not only does it tell you of these things, it forces you to stop and think about your life, the things that feel hard, the ways you either avoid or cope with brokenness that are not healthy or life-giving. Then, it asks you to share them. Maybe not all your broken pieces, but baby steps, right?

Lately, I feel like I am barely keeping my head above water. Everything people want from me feels overwhelming and threatens to lead me to tears and into a heap of inability. I know life won't feel this way forever, and I strive to trust God to give me the energy and means to meet all these requests and even demands, but I don't go to bed encouraged most days. However, I'm learning that my discouragement doesn't mean what I'm doing isn't worthwhile, and lack of motivation doesn't mean I'm messing things up. God uses all these struggles to help me know Him better, and the more I share it all with my dear ones, the closer I will be to them as well. Because of all this, and because of my desire to be more purposefully transparent, I am really looking forward to popping in my DVD and hitting this study guide with intention. It'll likely have to wait until after we move (haha, I need to update you guys on the house-situation!) but I hope that some of you will join me!

Next Wednesday, I will pick (or rather, rafflecopter.com will pick) one of you lucky folks to win a Study Guide and DVD for Ann's book The Broken Way. You will definitely need a copy of her book in order to work through this, so if you win and don't have the means to get a book, let me know! Enter here by participating in some or all of these little tasks...

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Thanks so much to The Blythe Daniel Agency and Zondervan for providing me and one of my lucky readers with this incredible source of encouragement! I will be back next week with a little update, some encouragement for you, and to announce our lucky winner. You get the most entries for sharing this blog post, so share shamelessly please :)

I love you all so much for sticking with me and reading my blog when I feel at a loss for words. It strengthens me to know that you actually want to hear my thoughts and read my words! Praise be to God for giving me people who encourage, motivate, and support my little endeavors. Enjoy your weekend, be a blessing to others, and be alright with being broken.

Regular Life.

It's been a while, huh?

I'm not entirely sure why I haven't written for a couple weeks. Life has been pretty ordinary, and my feelings are ever changing. One hour I am grateful and feeling undeservedly blessed to be living this life, then the next hour I am miserable, exhausted, complaining, and angry. Call it hormones, call it sin-nature, call it the insanity that stems from being with your kids 24/7, call it whatever you think it is, it's super annoying and becoming an old, frustrating story. 

I was going to say I never feel totally unable to cope, but that's not entirely true. I have my moments, maybe minutes, or even close to an hour every once in a while, but the demands of homeschooling and mothering a toddler force me to wake up & get stuff done, even if that stuff is wiping a bottom or helping another kid with some school-related task. I long to never feel overwhelmed, to never feel exhausted beyond repair, or to never feel crazily angry over the needs rising from those around me, kids or not. However, that longing has not been fulfilled, and I am not sure it ever will.

I have other times where I feel shamelessly awesome. I see my ambition, my creative ideas, my desire to run a successful business, my kids doing well with their learning, and I cannot help but feel pretty stinking incredible. But I know it's not because of me. It's not because of my efforts, or any innate goodness or brilliance I have. All of these good gifts are from the Father of Lights. Still, I don't know how to balance the easy and the difficult, how to endure the down periods without despair and to enjoy the wonderful times without attributing them to my own efforts. 

This struggle between these two extremes gives me constant conversation in my brain, incessantly picking apart everything I'm doing, weighing all the choices I'm making, and almost forcing me to consider each and every tiny step of my day with far too much weight of importance. Some of the thoughts that continue to linger are ...

- my readers will resent me for being ambitious. 

- my friends will fear being real with me, or asking me for help. 

- no one will support my endeavors. 

- my downfalls will look too silly for anyone to want to help me. 

- my desire for success will cause me to pursue something I shouldn't.

- my weaknesses are too awful and I will never overcome them.

- my ambition for excellence will appear as pride.

- maybe people really just don't like me at all.

Maybe these seem silly to you. Maybe you don't know me well enough to see me as someone with these kinds of insecurities. Maybe you think I'm a wimp for being unable to cope with many of these simple fears. Or maybe you can relate. Silly or not, fears take hold and guide our decisions unless we direct them to where they belong. God can defeat our fears and He wants to. All of my fears are about things that might happen, or thoughts unknown to me. Fear exists in the unknown, but God knows all. I'm seeing more clearly that overcoming my fear is rooted in trusting God with every single, tiny little thing.

As I read a devotion with the kids this morning, I read part of Psalm 139 and was reminded again how much God loves me and watches over me. 

"Oh LORD, you have searched me and known me!

You know when I sit down and when I rise up;

You discern my thoughts from afar.

You search out my path and my lying down

And are acquainted with all my ways.

Even before a word is on my tongue, 

Behold, Oh LORD, you know it altogether.

You hem me in, before and behind, 

And lay your hand upon me."

The Psalm goes on to talk about God knowing our motives, our life, our complete existence, and how little we understand of it all. This Psalm was written with David, having his own motives, earnestly telling God what he desires but ending with the same intention Jesus had: not my will, but yours. 

In all the wishy-washy ways I am wandering through my life, I hope to always end there, as David did, as Jesus did, and many other saints along the way. I want God's desires to be my desires. I want my desires to be earnest, truthful, coming from a pure heart. I know it's not fun to see my yucky motives and my bad coping mechanisms, but I want a renewed life, a free spirit, and a bold willingness to endure whatever God sees fit. Most of all, I want to do this with a joyful faith. I want to trust God enough to love it, even when I kind of hate it. 

I don't know how to attain this, and actually, I don't think it's possible without God's divine intervention. But the more I meditate on it, the more I focus on God's ability, presence, and absurd love for me, the more I see how it can happen. Then the chaos of kids, changing friendships, and an uncertain future is less scary. I'm more excited to see the next day, and less sad that it might be filled with more of the normal, average, stay-at-home drama. 

I know this doesn't give you a ton of practical use, but hopefully it will still help you strive toward being with God more often and more deeply. I'm not actually amazing, nor I am I complete mess. I am what God is making me, and I am hopeful that it will be better a year from now. And what really brings me courage and joy is knowing 100% that someday, I too will actually be perfect! Sure, it'll be the day I die, but it is also the day I will live perfect in peace, light, and love forever. 

The Greatest Delight.

During our church's sermon last week, I took note of what portion of scripture we'd be covering the next week. In some ways, I love Matthew 16:24-28 and I was excited to get to it. But in my heart, I was also a little nervous to dive in.

"Then Jesus told his disciples, 'If anyone should come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul? For the Son of Man is going to come with his angels in the glory of his Father, and then he will repay each person according to what he has done. Truly I say to you, there are some standing here who will not taste death until they see the Son of Man coming in his kingdom.'"

That last verse is odd, and our pastor addressed some of what Jesus might have meant by it, but I'm not going to talk about that part today (sorry). 

What I really want to talk about is losing our lives. 

It is not a surprise to many of you that I've been struggling a bit since we moved. Nothing serious, but just learning to cope better with the daily grind after having such a chaotic, unpredictable summer that ended with a bit of disappointment. In one sense, our family was not disappointed with how our move ended up, but it would be a lie to say we weren't frustrated to not have found a home to purchase. We really do strive to love whatever life God has for us, but notice the word I used: strive. Our goal is not always achieved, not something we always feel like doing, but we honestly desire to be content with God's plans over our own. 

I have certainly been wrestling with contentment. I have searched for peace in my circumstances, sought out solutions to my problems, and even tried to change how I do things all in order to achieve a greater sense of happiness with the way my life is right now. I often feel like I am failing, or maybe that I am incapable (without medication) of being that content. Then I struggle with feeling extremely guilty over my lack of joy when almost every need I have is met. It often feels like a problem I have no right to complain about. 

During our time of worship this past Sunday morning, a few phrases from a song stuck with me and got the wheels turning in my head. Psalm 62 says things like "for God alone my soul waits in silence" and "pour out your heart upon him" and I instantly knew that this Psalm does not describe my own heart or my own actions. In the song we sing at church (which is a variation of Psalm 62) the chorus says "O praise Him, Hallelujah, my delight and my reward" and again, I was struck by how true this ought to be in my life and yet how false it has been. 

What is my heart set on? What joy am I pursuing? Is it death to self and life in Christ? Is it really to know God and make Him known? 

It has become obvious that I have been trying to pursue a lifestyle of sacrifice but I have been unwilling to let go of my personal desires. I hang on to the idea that I can sacrifice for my kids without actually giving up certain things I want. I strive to merge this self-sacrificing task of homeschooling with still having all my personal needs met, and it just isn't working. 

Jesus said that I cannot pursue self and pursue Him. 

Ouch.

I see what I'm pursuing, and it's really hard to give it up. None of it seems bad, or wrong, but I cannot love the world or the things in the world and still serve God with all of my heart. I have to follow Him with no strings attached, with no personal agenda. Only God can revive in my soul the joy and faith needed to pursue the glory of Christ above my personal gain. No self-help book (no matter how religious) can accomplish this, no amount of meditation nor medication can deny the extent of my selfishness, and no noble endeavor can compensate for putting my goals for self above my love for Jesus' kingdom. 

Our pastor said some very helpful things today about how we can move forward when we see our lives headed in a direction that opposes losing our lives for Jesus. He said number one, repent. Admit your pursuit of self is wrong. Note here, that most of the world will tell you it's fine, healthy, and needed for our sanity. Come back for that can of worms later. Second, he said, we need to trust God to change our hearts. There's no way around that. You have to love God more than self in order to be willing to endure handing your dearest hopes over to Him. You can't grow to love Him on your own but He wants you to love Him. When you ask Him for help and He stirs that love up in your heart, your selfish ambition will seem juvenile, pointless, maybe even silly. He does not disappoint.

This month I have been wresting against my own soul but have been unable to put it all into words. Now that I can see my folly clearly, I am actually relieved. My own ambitions make me miserable. God knows my heart better than I do, and I can trust that giving up my ideas of success will result in greater joy and fulfillment, even if it results in less money or prestige. The world will oppose the thought of giving up what you love in order to serve, sacrifice, or share. Certainly, you can serve Christ and still have good things, but you cannot serve Christ and set your hope on your own fulfillment and desire. 

It is good to consider what your delights and your rewards really are. What do you ultimately want? If you could gain peace today, what would that look like? In my mind recently, delight has been clouded with uncertainty and frustration as I could not name a single thing that would make me feel at peace. But now it has become clear why. My idea of delight revolves around feeling a certain way, which is silly, because feelings are fuzzy, unpredictable, and often totally out of whack. What a comfort it was to be reminded that taking delight off of myself and onto what Christ promises is the only way to life. 

The practical reminder that following Christ is a road of self-denial is actually a great comfort. You are not responsible to find great delight in your life. Any good you can comprehend is from God and found in God. He contains immeasurable amounts of peace, delight, freedom, fulfillment, and more. While here on earth we will be denying our own ambitions and serving those around us, but the delight we find in His presence is more than worth the trade-off. If you believe the gospel, you will find only frustration and regret in a life of selfish pursuits. But by setting your desires aside and trusting in God's beautiful redemptive plans, your soul will be saved. The peace and delight you will find along the way will cause your soul to thank you. 

*I want you to know, dear friend who takes depression medication, that this post is not intended to address your needs. If you need to analyze whether you are following self or Christ, by all means, do so. But this post is not in regards to the medical needs of those struggling with clinical depression. 

Obeying With Doubt.

I cry in every Disney animated movie. Literally, every single one I've watched. Often, I even sit there for the saddest five minutes while my kids watch because I am so intrigued by whatever sad event is happening. I got excited one day saying "Oh! I don't cry during Kung Fu Panda! Shoot, never mind, that's Dreamworks." But really, I have this odd attraction to sad stuff, and the waterworks cannot be withheld.

I've learned to curb this emotional part of me when I need to. For instance, so much of the news and my Facebook feed is littered with depressing stories with no redeeming value in sight. Children kidnapped, infants neglected, moms dying of cancer, and the list goes on. I cannot look at too much of this before I find myself in a full-blown funk, unable to think about the practical duties of my day.

My most recent encounter with sad movies (not even Disney this time) happened when my kids were watching Prince of Egypt, the inspired story of Moses. Right at the beginning, the movie shows slavery, abuse, and then Moses' mother leaving him in a basket in the river. I cannot fathom a world where you have to choose between known slaughter and unknown drowning for your tiny baby boy. This was it for her. She'd exhausted the option of hiding him and now she had to make her choice.

I've seen this part of the movie quite a few times, and still the tears arrive. This time however, while my eyes still welled up a little bit, I saw something different. I saw a woman who decided to trust God by doing something crazy. I don't know what the likelihood of survival for a baby in a woven, tar-coated basket was on the Nile in 3000 B.C. or what possessed her to take action initially, but the only way a woman could do something that sensational was if she had no better options. Instead of succumbing to fear, abusive authority, or despair, she turned to a sliver of hope.

She must have had a substantial amount of bravery. She chose to put her child in a river and probably feared the worst. Exodus 2 doesn't say anything about Moses' mother except what she noted about her baby and what she did for him. But really, can you imagine doing such a thing? I can't stop thinking about this story and wondering what Moses' mother was really like. Stay with me, because here's where my mind really gets going.

Maybe she was brave, confident, even demanding about what God would do, should do for her baby. But perhaps she was actually fearful, upset, or despairing. In either scenario, God came through. God saved Moses, gave him a place of privilege, saved his life, brought Moses close to Himself, and used him as a preview for what Jesus would do for us. Moses' mother was a part of God's great plan, regardless of how she handled her situation, regardless of how much faith she had in the outcome of her choice.

This gives me peace and courage. Peace because I can trust that even when I am despairing, freaking out, and totally unsure about how God will come through, it doesn't affect God's faithfulness. I also gain courage from this example. I see how worry does not ensure any particular outcome, and that God fulfills promises to all people, not just the spiritually mature. I might as well be brave, confident, and toss my worries into the wind if the outcome does not rely on my emotional stability.

In the movie, Moses' mother asks for deliverance, for Moses to find a life of freedom somewhere else. She seems sad, but poised, perhaps trusting God to do something better for her baby. But even if she went home completely losing her mind and shocked at her own actions, she still followed through. She still took action, hoping in God's ability, not her own.

Our pastor pointed out a similar example from a sermon by D. A. Carson. In his sermon, Carson gives the example of two different men waiting for God's spirit to pass over the Hebrews who obeyed Moses in Egypt. One man prepared the lamb and spread the blood over the doorway exactly as told, but he was scared, sleepless, and hoping beyond all hope that what Moses promised would come true. The other man did all he was told with unshakeable peace, fully confident in God's willingness and faithfulness to save his family. Which one saw God's promise fulfilled? Both.

Amazing, right? Whether you follow through with God's commands scared stiff or full of peace, He fulfills His promise. Don't fret over whether you are trusting God as fully as you should, or as filled with peace as the next person. I do think God often rewards our trust in Him, but we cannot take credit for His promises based on our actions or our faith. As Jesus tells Peter in Matthew, the Spirit reveals God to us, and our faith is a gift from Him.

If there's one thing I've learned this summer that has really stuck with me, it's that obedience is important. God wants you to obey in faith, but mostly, He wants you to obey. Obeying scared or doubtful is better than not obeying! Your fear is never going to be a good enough reason to not obey the voice of God, no matter how big or small your decision is. He is a fortress, a place you can run to for protection, and wandering out in disobedience is asking for an ambush.

I cannot count the times God has spared me from my own destruction simply because I chose to do the right thing. It's not always easy, and I often do it begrudgingly, but I have never regretted it. I've regretted my own poor choices 1000 times over, but never following God's commands over my own desires. So whether you are debating following His instruction, or just dealing with fear from following with very little faith, simply take action. Scared or confident, God desires your obedience, and your faith will grow from either timid or bold steps. Both are forward motion, both are covered by His loving kindness toward you, and both still count as trust.

Ultimately, obeying God is trusting God, and there's no reward or punishment given for obeying scared versus obeying in boldness. My hope is to obey with complete confidence and tons of courage, but if all I can muster is timid obedience, I will still take it. I truly believe the more I obey when I am still unsure of the outcome, the less unsure I will be the next time I am called to obey. It's a growing process, and we might as well start now instead of waiting on our feelings to cooperate. We can't possibly know what role our obedience in little things plays in the larger events happening in the world, and I would always rather have said yes to obeying, whether I was doubtful or confident, than waiting for the right amount of courage to participate in God's plans.

Let That Be Enough.

It's been a weird few weeks in my head. Moving has taken a greater toll on my disposition than I expected; that and getting thrown into the boys' sports routines, starting up schooling again, and still trying to unpack while staying on top of laundry... the list never ends, and mouths are always hungry, or so it seems.

I've been trying to nail down exactly why I am so out of sorts. I know new adventures can throw a kink in life, and leaving places I love has been difficult too, but over the last several weeks I've felt this internal grasping for something I can't quite put into words. The biggest problem is always that I don't quite trust God with my life the way I know is right and good. I'm only human, but I'm learning and growing in this, and I am sure I always will be. But there seemed to be other things I couldn't wrap my mind around.

While I have not suffered much personal loss in my life so far, I have quite a few friends who are enduring tremendous loss right now or are coming upon it quickly. Miscarriages, loss of children, and cancer seem to be wreaking havoc in too many people's lives. My mind is constantly whirling back to these friends - some are my best friends, and some are more like acquaintances, but all are on my mind every hour. I find myself entertaining all kinds of questions and scenarios on their behalf for quite some time before I remember to pray.

My prayer life is undisciplined to say the least, and while I talk to God frequently, I rarely set aside time specifically for this. When I do talk to Him, my requests are sort of scattered, not entirely specific, or even very inquisitive. As I been more intentional and detailed with what I ask and hope for, I am finding more fulfillment in my soul, along with greater confidence in God's plans.

However, praying for others and feeling a small portion of their pain is only part of what has been troubling me.

On my way back from CrossFit this morning, I heard a song that not only expressed my emotions perfectly, but also offered a way to pray about it.

I wish I had what I needed

To be on my own

'Cause I feel so defeated

And I'm feeling alone

And it all seems so helpless

And I have no plans

I'm a plane in the sunset

With nowhere to land

And all I see 

It could never make me happy

And all my sand castles

Spend their time collapsing

Let me know that you hear me

Let me feel your touch

Let me know that you love me

And let that be enough

These are the lyrics to the song Let That Be Enough by Switchfoot from their 2nd album. I listened to this quite a bit about 12 years ago, and I've always loved this song, but today is truck me differently. 

I realized that I feel torn almost all the time. I want something, but I know it won't fulfill me. I want to be on my own and independent much of the time, but then I often feel sad and lonely. I want to do big things, but I don't have any solid plans. I want to go somewhere else, but I don't know where that is. And it's true, nothing I can think up will make me happy. There's no "problem" there to find and fix. Life is hard, bad things happen, and my emotions leave me questioning the best of situations. 

But God, He is the one I can rely on, and it all seems so easy, and so obvious now. I am longing for the things in this song. I want to know He hears me, that He's close to me, that He loves me. And what I really needs is for all these things to be enough to soothe this raw and tender soul of mine.

I know it's hard to ask for a change of heart, for a spirit of contentment, or for peace in relentlessly stressful situation. It's far easier to ask for a change in circumstance, for the things we think we need to be content, or for more control in bad situations. But the more I do this, the more I search for fixes outside of my heart, the more despair builds inside. The more I commit to changing the outside in an effort to fix my insides, the longer my insides are neglected and the more they shrivel. 

My heart needs God, and my soul needs to find peace and contentment in Him. I need His love to be enough. I need to see that all the solutions to my problems are pointless without Him. And on days when everything feels overwhelming and yet not enough, I can ask Him to make Himself enough for my weary heart. These are the things I am longing for all my hurting friends to know as well. It is my hope and prayer that God's love will be enough for them during their darkest hours.

God, make yourself enough in our hearts. Let all You have for us be the perfect medicine for our broken souls. 

I Wish I Could...

I really wanted my could post to be ready for you today. I have several drafts started plus another separate outline on my iPhone in the hopes of effectively communicating what a battle it is to fight the could-monster.

But I just cannot get it right. Not today at least, and apparently, not last week either.

I'm okay with that, at least, I'm trying to be. I've been trying desperately to be alright with a lot of aspects of my life lately. Alright with diving into a new CC community, alright with homeschooling, alright with all the concessions I make to be able to CrossFit several early (very early!) mornings a week, alright with the demands of my husband's job... just trying, and trying, and praying, and attempting to convince myself of all the good that can come from all these different scenarios. But I'm not always very good at it.

Recently, it came to my attention that many of you, especially those I don't see very often, think I am "doing it all". I laughed so hard when I first heard a few of these comments, several coming from different people, from different groups of friends. I don't want to go around explaining my behavior, or forcing you to know me, but I also want to share a little more about myself. I want to be transparent and help you know where I am coming from. My hope in all this is that you don't think I have it all together, or have life completely figured out, but that my strengths and weaknesses would be an encouragement to you.

It took me a long time to not be offended every time a friend on Social Media would post common-knowledge tips about parenting. I kept thinking "Duh, I know this. Does she think I don't know this?" I'm pretty sure she wasn't posting just for me, but I still kept wondering if maybe she thought I was one of those people who needed to know about how to buckle my child or what to feed my babies. My mind insisted on obsessing about if I was really doing my best and if other people thought so too.

Mind you, I've come a long way in my perfectionism, but personality tests constantly reveal that I am several things many of you might not be, and much of my writing comes from this passionate place within my bones to be the best, to always be doing my very best, and to constantly achieve whatever goal I can. I know I have to tame these a bit, because following God is no competition, and only He really knows best, but the fire within me keeps on burning. And truly, it does not match up with my physical limits, my mental weaknesses, or my bad habits.

In college I was in a Freshman group where we read and worked through Now, Discover Your Strengths by Marcus Buckingham and Donald O. Clifton (affiliate link). It was incredibly eye-opening and emphasized working to use your strengths to reach your goals instead of always trying to rid of your weaknesses. I don't know what happened to my old copy of the book, but I do remember my strengths, and maybe they will help you read my blog and understand where I come from a little bit better.

- Activator - likes to get started, immediately jumps when new opportunities or plans arise.
- Achiever - I'm pretty sure you know what this means ;)
- Competitor - uh huh, I'm one of those.
- Learner - this makes me great with homeschooling, I love learning almost anything!
- WOO - Win Others Over. Frequently known as People Pleaser.

That is a pretty intense combination, yes? Add to these things my near-constant fatigue and poor cleaning habits (ask my husband) and you have a recipe for someone who is doing a lot of hyped-up, inspirational, self-talk. Then, add that I love to write and enjoy telling others what I am learning, and you get a person who cannot shut up about what great things lie ahead for those who have vision and motivation. No, you've never read those types of things on this blog ;)

I often look at these strengths and want to cry. I hate being misunderstood, and I want all of you to know that I don't preach living with ambition because you are all unambitious or because I have got this life figured out, but because it's the natural output of my heart. It's God-wired, and spurred on by my other strengths. I sometimes despair because all of these strengths exhaust my mind and body. I need more sleep than most, but I also have more ambition than most, and how I can I fit both of these together? I want to share all the wonderful things I learn, but I also want all of you to love me like your best friend and hate to sound like a know-it-all. I want to give up on striving so hard to always do what is absolutely best, but doing so often feels like settling, losing, or letting others win at life while I curl up in a ball and sleep.

If I have learned anything though, it's that all of these strengths combined force me to turn over my future, even the one hour away future, to God. I constantly have no clue how I will cross off the items on my to-do list, so I have to move forward, trusting God with the outcome, trying to convince myself that He will give me energy and discernment for the things that have to be done, even if many items on my list are left undone at 10:30pm. I have to strive to find my value as His created person, not in what others think of me. I have to let many ambitions and goals lay silent while I strive to serve my family with a willing heart, instead of taking up my creative endeavors and looking for fulfillment in my accomplishments. I have to come to peace with the fact that my busy mind needs down-time, and not to feel guilty for resting instead of achieving.

Often, being wired this way feels like a burden, and it feels worse when I consider how some of you might see me as having it all together. I do strive to put my best foot forward, to put my best images up on the internet, not because I desire to hide the ugly, but because I love things that are excellent. And being the achiever I am, if I can do something better, I'm going to work to make it happen.

It's a stretch for me to even put this up on the internet. I really wanted to have my could post done, but this post is going to have to be good enough. I will admit though, it still includes a bit of that striving for achievement. After all, it will allow me to cross off my mental "blog once per week" goal.  I can't help myself. I want to make great stuff happen! This post might not be incredible, or life-altering, but it's really how I feel about myself and my life. My strengths make me really great for some tasks, and not so great at others. My weaknesses will try to hold me back, and my strengths will continue to push me forward.

Much of life is learning how to balance, which is what I am going for here with this post. I'm settling for "not what I wanted" but still working toward my goals. Can you relate? Are the things holding you back causing you to despair or give up? Or will you press forward, taking any ground you can gain in having peace with your circumstances? This is what I really want, to feel at peace about my decisions, my progress, my life.

All these things rest in God's plans for us, and I think He really does want us to be mindful about our impact and our growth while we move ahead. I see a lot of growth in my life, and while most things are not how I envisioned, or what I would have aimed for, I still desire to see His plan in all of it, to be content with who He is making me to be. It will be very different from who He is making you to be, but we can all still find the good in each other and celebrate it without guilt, comparison, assumptions, or shame. And that is a really good goal, to be fully yourself, the best you can be, but not rest your hope on what that will look like or base it off what other people's lives look like. So here I am, not really blogging about could the way I wanted to, but hoping that you, like me, can take your eyes of what could be and are able to enjoy what is. In your life and in yourself.