Learn the CALM Technique.

Hi friends!

It's Monday again, or as my husband and children say, the New Years of the Week, and that means it's time for another Calm link-up. Yay!

This week you get to hear from Barb Roose about how she works to grab some calm during stressful times and seasons. You can follow her on Facebook here and be sure to go over to her website and see what else she has to offer. She is a woman willing to go through all sorts of crazy to find the Calm God can give, and I know you will benefit and grow from reading her words. Here we go!

Learn the CALM Technique to Reduce Stress

by Barb Noose

Do you remember that 90’s song, “Y’all gonna make me lose my mind / Up in here, Up in here”?

While a hugely popular rap song, it’s also the unofficial anthem of the super-stressed out or anxious person. It’s the kind of song you’re tempted to spit out when the unexpected or uninvited chaos pushes you mentally, emotionally or financially toward the edge. Have you ever felt like you might lose your mind over the following:

·      …Your car repair cost may require listing your kidney on Ebay;*

·      …You have to wait all weekend to call the doctor for test results on Monday morning;

·      …Your boss asks you to drop by her office before you leave for the day…and you’ve been hearing rumors of layoffs.

When uncertainty or chaos lands in our lives, our bodies feel the stress and we experience symptoms like: a racing heartbeat, nausea, sweaty palms, numbness or the inability to sleep. And it’s so hard to pray when we’re feeling stressed out!  Yet, connecting with God is our best chance to find help and hope in our chaotic or uncertainty situations...

Read the rest of Barb's Post here:

And be sure to come back next Monday to hear from another brave woman about how to grab some more Calm in your dady-to-day life. Thanks, and Happy New Year of the Week!

Answer by Obeying.

Can a month focused on being Called to Surrender my own will really be exciting and fun?

I wondered this when February 1st arrived and as I look back I can genuinely say it has been a great blessing. In fact, I find it odd that as believers we would have any other ideas about surrender and obedience. Why do we think it is a bad thing? Hard, yes. Bad, never.

As I listened to Lysa TerKuerst's book What Happens When Women Say Yes to God, I realized that most of the reasons she gives for wanting to say no to God were rooted in fear and most of the reasons I disobey God are fear-based too. Soon after, a new friend pointed out that true obedience to God flows from a heart that loves Him perfectly. And then the Holy Spirit reminded me that "perfect love casts out fear" (1 John 4:18).  The tricky thing about all of this is that we cannot love God perfectly in our own power. We are dependent on Him to give us a longing for what is holy and perfect and good.

Maybe this is frustrating to you or even causes you to feel defeated. But remember, this should bring you relief! God wants to give good gifts to His children (you, me, all of us!) and He desires that you should love Him perfectly and grow in obedience. To get started you will simply need a willingness to surrender and a commitment to following Him.

We can know in our heads that we should obey, but we cannot make our hearts desire it the way we envision or wish. That aspect of desiring to obey God will have to be left in His hands. However, the really amazing thing is you can choose to do what you know is right even when you don't feel like it. Growing in obedience and surrendering to God's ways is a journey. How determined are you to stick to that path?

Photo credit unsplash.com by Lucas Favre

Thinking through all of this has forced me to look at my actions and level of commitment, which is kinda rough. How determined am I to do what God calls me to, both in the daily practice of living a life that honors God and in the random times of day when I feel the Holy Spirit pressing on me to do something I wouldn't normally do? Like asking the customer service representative over an online chat if they know Jesus. Not my typical thing, but God is not the God of acceptable cultural behavior. His ways are far higher than our own.

As I've thought and prayed over what to share, I figured I would break down the most prominent fears I have been thinking through regarding disobedience and encourage you to overcome them.


Fear of Difficulty

Fear of Failure or Inability

Fear of Outcome

Fear of the Opinions of Others


There may be some overlap, and maybe you have other ideas about what these fears include or entail. If so, I'd love to hear your thoughts! Be sure to join our Facebook group to chime in or feel free to comment below.

Fear of Difficulty

I becoming most stressed when what is required of me seems far beyond what I am capable of. When I wake up with a list of to-dos that feel near impossible the struggle to get my day started is long, arduous, and frustrating, and I generally end up getting out of bed far later than I had hoped. It doesn't make any sense that when I have a lot to do I'd struggle so much to get going or wrestle so hard to obey God in being diligent with my time or in being kind with my children. If I was smart or even a tad more self-disciplined, I'd get up earlier and start hammering away first thing. If I had more faith in His purposes I'd be more expectant that God is doing His work through me, even when it feels monotonous or unimportant. But the truth is that I am often crippled by the idea of how hard this type of obedience might be. 

It's easy to get this way with big and important commands that are obviously far beyond our own means. And maybe you're like me, struggling with the daily grind type of obedience as well. We look at what God is asking and feel like it is more than we'd rather do. We know loving our neighbors is right and good, but have you met them? It's hard to even hold a conversation with them! We look at the laundry pile, the homeschooling, and the errands that all need done and sigh. We look at the dream God has given us to write that book, or travel to that distant land, or start that business, or go to school, but looking at the whole picture of what that might entail seems like a lot of work, possibly more than we are willing to do. 

This is when we need to remember God's power. He is the one who gives us strength to complete the tasks He lays before us. When we think we can do something in our own might, we are deceived. He has given us many different gifts, skills, and resources to function in our day-to-day life but we forget that it still all depends on Him. When the next task looks like it will take more than we've got, He needs to be our source of strength to overcome the challenge. We cannot let what we do not yet possess deter us from obeying God right now. The following verse helps me remember to obey even when the job ahead seems like it will be too hard.

"Even youths shall faint and be weary,

And young men shall fall exhausted;

But those who wait on the LORD shall renew their strength;

They shall mount up with wings like eagles;

They shall run and not grow weary;

They shall walk and not faint."

Isaiah 40:30-31

Fear of Failure or Inability

Fearing the difficulty of a task and fearing failure or inability are very closely connected. You recognize how difficult (or near impossible) obeying God for the long haul will be and you fear you will not be able to walk this path every single day. You know you are bound to mess up and would rather just avoid that level of failure and operate from the safe place of success. 

Even in the secular realm, that coping mechanism is being undone. Researchers are finding that we actually learn best from making mistakes, seeing where we went wrong, and making a plan to do different next time. If the world is taking on this challenge without the help of God, shouldn't we be even more willing to try? After all, we have the power of the Holy Spirit to keep us from mistakes that might undo God's good work, and we have relationship with the One who can enable us to do far more than we ever dreamed. 

This is when we need to remember not just the strength and force of God's eternal power, but the daily sustenance He will give to us. He will never break His covenant with us. He will continue to provide for you in anything He calls you to pursue. I immediately think of Joshua being called to lead the people into the promised land. Maybe he saw how the people failed to trust God and had to wander the desert or how Moses had failed to obey and ended up not entering into the land. But God speaks to Joshua, commanding him to take the people in, to follow His law, and He takes the time to encourage Joshua. We can trust that we will not fail when we choose to obey God. When we walk with Him, He holds us up. Remember God's consolation and words or exhortation to Joshua.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go."

Joshua 1:9

Fear of Outcome

Not seeing where the path of obedience will lead us can rattle the strongest warrior's nerves. We have no clue what it will mean to sell our house and move across the country. We cannot fathom what homeschooling our children, inviting a stranger to live with us, or taking a new job in a new industry might mean for us long term. This fear of the outcome of our obedience is where we must really come back to knowing and trusting in God's character. 

In the monotonous routines of daily life, we have a hard time understanding what it will do for our lives to make the small sacrifices of daily obedience. They often feel insignificant. Or maybe you feel called to obey God in giving up an outlet of social media and it feels too drastic; you cannot fathom what life at home or at work will look like if you are not connecting with people online. No matter what call of obedience you hear from the Word or from the Holy Spirit, you must trust in God's good plans if you are going to obey. 

Do you think you are able to make the best decision about the path of your life? Do you understand that God knows the events in your future and what you will need to be prepared for? Do you trust that all of these things will truly result in the greatest amount of goodness and joy and prosperity for you in eternity? I'm not saying these things are easy to navigate, I'm just saying we need to face them and make a decision. Like Abraham, even when we do not know the outcome, we can trust that God is good and will never lead us down a path that isn't worth the effort, sacrifice, and losses we may face along the way. When God first calls Abram, we only see that God told Abram He would make him a great nation, bless him and make his name great. However, he must have known or felt something about God's goodness in order to follow Him down that unknown path to that unknown land. I love what Hebrews says about Abram (now called Abraham) in this regard. We need to look to our eternal outcome, to God's eternal promises in order to find the strength to obey God in a world of unknowns.

"For he was looking forward to the city that has foundations, whose designer and builder is God." Hebrews 11:10

"These all died in faith, not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on the earth."

Hebrews 11:13

Fear of the Opinions of Others

I care far too much about what other people think. Most of the time, when I find myself wanting to do anything except what God calls me to, it is because I am worried about what others will think. What will that stranger think if I ask them about Jesus? What will my parents or in-laws think if we raise our children this way? What will my friends think if I share that bible verse or article on Facebook? In case you didn't already know, you cannot serve God and serve yourself. 

When we are prioritizing what other people think over what God has instructed us to do, we are fearing man instead of God, we are serving ourselves instead of serving Him. If we let ourselves go down that road we eventually become so deceived that we do something terribly stupid, something terribly selfish. Make sure you take a look at Acts 5:1-7 to see what happened to Annanias and Sapphira when they believed they could serve themselves and gain a good opinion from others all while looking like they were serving God. They cared more about the opinions of men and it led them to sin and destruction.

I do not want to be them for many reasons. I want God to look at my heart and be pleased. I want to be willing to follow Him anywhere, even if I am afraid and it feels like I will be risking my reputation or giving up more than I am comfortable with, I want to be determined to obey whatever He calls me to, casting aside the opinions of others and highly valuing the opinion of God. This doesn't mean we never take input or advice, it simply means sticking to the truth when we fear it may cause others to look at us differently than we prefer. It might be minor, it might be major, but our first priority needs to be obedience to God's ways. This verse reminds me that trusting in God and obeying His call is always the better option.

"The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is safe."

Proverbs 29:25

So there you have it, my very generalized examples of why you might struggle to answer God's call to obedience. What is stopping you? Being aware of your fears is a great place to start, but at some point you have to choose what you will do. Taking the initiative to know God more deeply will help add some strength to your resolve. Spending time in prayer and meditation over the Word will give you ammo to fight the spiritual battles you are sure to encounter. Then, you will need to decide whom you will serve. Self or God? We know which one has the best outcome. Obey and watch. I have never regretted it, even when I did it scared. Do it anyway! 

I highly encourage you to find someone you can trust to hold you accountable. Not just a friend who will encourage and agree with you in your struggles, but someone who is willing to displease you in order to speak the truth. You might think this kind of relationship would be destructive, but if you are both committed to serving God, it will be a great blessing on your life. Pray for God to reveal who that person should be in your life. He desires that we would sharpen one another and grow stronger in our faith and obedience.

I hope the final week of seeking to understand surrender and obedience will bless your life. It is encouraging and emboldening me in multiple ways. May we all be strengthened to follow His call and become a people known for doing whatever it takes, whatever He asks. May God's name and goodness go forth! 

That One Word Thing.

Every year I have a group of friends that is insanely dedicated to picking out and praying over one word to encompass, shape, and influence the coming year. These friends plan to cling to their word, to think over what it means, hoping to make great progress in whatever that word is. I've seen friends pick words like Faith, Bravery, Hope, or Present, and I don't doubt that these are great ideals to embrace. Still, I felt like it was a little too cheesy for my serious self.

I'm wondering if you can see where this is going. I saw more and more friends choosing their words for this year and I continued to roll my eyes. Terrible, I know. And it's just like God to suddenly put a word on my heart and get my thoughts rolling it over and over again in my mind.

I was initially resistant because I want more than to just pick a word and think about it. I want it to impact my entire year. I want to learn what it really means and how it should shape my life. And then I got a wild idea, and I'm obsessing over it like you wouldn't believe.

So to clarify, yes, I jumped on this One Word train. One morning, after being totally judgmental about someone else's word choice, I suddenly thought of the word "called" and have not been able to get it out of my mind. But I plan to do much more than think or pray over this word, though those are both valuable and important things to do. Ready for the big plan? I'm still not completely sure how this will all go down, and my plans are sure to change along the way, but as of now, here is what I am going to do.

Each month I will focus on a separate facet of what it means to be Called. Often, when we think of our "calling," it feels very vague, mysterious, clouded in wonder and hope, but always feeling a little bit out of our grasp or comprehension. We spend countless hours fantasizing over this "calling" while constantly being told that when we know exactly what "it" is we will understand our place in this world. But how does that help us live today? Should all our focus really be on finding out what this special "calling" is? Or are there other ways to figure it out without being too self-absorbed and miss out on other opportunities?

The truth is we are Called to many things. And for the most part, they are all something to do, someone to be, or something to receive. So I've picked out 12 different "callings" and I am going to hash out a new one every month. I'll give you the big reveal January 1st and then at the end of each month I'll share what I'm learning, along with some questions to help you work through this process right along with me. My hope is that during each month I will grow more and more deeply in my convictions, in my knowledge of who I am supposed to be, how I am supposed to live, and be better at trusting God with all of the circumstances of my life. Ultimately, I want to understand God better and live for Him more freely, with more reckless abandon and confident happiness. Sounds pretty lovely, right?

Here is how you can do this with me!

First off, subscribe to my monthly newsletter and you'll be reminded about the new facet of being Called we'll be working through that month. I know, maybe you already signed up for my newsletter and have only received one; that is completely my fault. Doing all this writing, tutoring, homeschooling at a new level, and Fall sports put me in a bad place, a place where only the absolutely most important things in my life got done. I'm still figuring out what gives me life and energy, and I am making better decisions about what I can or can't do. None-the-less, if you sign up for my newsletter, you WILL get to be a part of these 12 Months of Called.

Next, check in on my blog every month. If I were you, I'd even get a cheap notebook and write down some of the questions and thoughts you have along the way. I'll be sharing how I answer my own questions, but maybe God will be speaking to you in a different way, and chances are, you'll want to remember that.

Here are some of the types of questions I'll be asking:

- How does understanding this Call more deeply help me live better?
- How does knowing this Call change my life-goals?
- How does living by this Call change the way I should act?
- Is the way I am acting right this second in line with what I know?

These are healthy things to ask when you are learning anything, but I think it's especially important when it comes to understanding what we are Called to be, to do, and to receive. Calling is a lot less mysterious and far more practical than we make it out to be. I'm learning that God doesn't want to keep me in the dark about how I am supposed to live and what I am supposed to pursue, and I'm thrilled to be headed down this path of better understanding what it means to be Called.

Lastly, join our Facebook Group. I will post links to the blog posts and probably do a few giveaways too :) It will likely be the same content, but more personal interaction will be happening there.

As a little Christmas gift I will give you a hint before I wrap this up. In January, we'll explore the ultimate calling we have as Christians: to know God and enjoy Him forever. I'm convinced this doesn't just mean in eternity. Jesus brought the Kingdom to earth and we are meant to live in the enjoyment of His promises and presence here today too! From February on, we'll look at the smaller pieces under that big call, thinking through what kind of people we are called to be, how we are called to act toward others, and the different things God calls us to receive as gifts from Him. As we get going, I am convinced that all of these make a difference not just in our lives overall, but they shape individual moments in our days.

This is what I'm after; knowing God's Call in such a way that I can live with complete confidence, genuine joy, and perpetual peace.

Again, here is the link to sign up for my newsletter. I am excited to explore this with friends and sisters, with people who want to know the Lord better and are ready to seek Him out. His promises of wisdom and being found are what I will be clinging to in all of this (Deut. 4:29, Jer. 29:13, Matt. 4:7, Acts 17:27, James 1:5-8). Remember these as you pray and get ready for a New Year, and remember you are not going at it alone!

So who is with me? Feel free to ask questions in the comments, and tell me what you hope to find along this journey together. And in case you aren't excited yet, you just wait! I'm pretty sure my level of excitement is enough for at least 10 people :)

Merry Christmas, and see you January 1st!

Daily Staples of Love.

I feel like I have done a lot of growing up this previous year. Not just learning a few life lessons here and there, or because of all the intentional studying I've done, or that I've simply become more knowledgeable about life in general. But I truly feel as if I am finally gaining some wisdom about how to live a good life and I am working hard, begging God to make these new habits a part of who I am, the way I naturally live.

Several books I have read this summer, or am currently reading, have contributed to this growth tremendously. And while watering my potted plants out back the other day, a lot of these separate ideas and random thoughts were connecting in my mind. I recently read something totally unrelated that connected well with these ideas I've been wanting to share with you and I hope they encourage your heart and bring you peace.

I'm sure you're all familiar with Aesop's fable The Tortoise and the Hare. The unlikely candidate wins the race (don't worry, I'm not talking any politics in this post) and the fastest, most able, most likely candidate loses. And what was the determining factor? Was his mindset to blame, or his actions? Which came first, the chicken or the egg? If his mindset was different, surely his actions would have been different as well, you think?

I'm seeing what an impact our thought-life has on our actions. This is not just popular psychology  either, the bible talks about it too! See Romans 8:5-6 and 12:2, 2 Corinthians 10:5.

Just like the hare, it's easy to let what we think is going on around us dictate our choices, instead of letting what we know is right and good determine what we do.

This is giving me more reason to pause and consider what I'm doing, how I'm reacting, and what I am dwelling on more throughout the day. Our thoughts shape our physical minds and that should cause us to take what we think more seriously. What we think about ourselves, the God we serve, the family we love, and the life we live hugely impacts the actions we take throughout the day and throughout our lives. Not just the major, life-altering decisions, but the little choices that pile up. They carve the path we travel and cumulatively create the life we live.

Being a homeschooler, I have tried to make my home a haven for my family. We are here a lot, and I want it to be peaceful, relatively tidy, and a period of life my kids will look back on with fondness. I should say now, I am not naturally gifted in this, and I don't feel like I do a great job. Since our move to this new house, I've been trying to be more intentional about it, but it so easily slips my mind. I can definitely see when my kids are more on edge because of my mood, but I'm not very good at those small daily habits of keeping my attitude in check or keeping my reactions from getting out of hand. I forget that cleaning the whole house at once is miserable, as is dealing with a ton of negative emotions in one sitting (read: sob-fest), but if I can just do a little of the work every day, both emotionally and physically in my home, it will feel less overwhelming to tackle and navigate.

As I was watering some plants the other day, some of these thoughts and pieces came together. Watering the plants out back was originally Asher's chore, but he has not taken to it as well as I hoped, and I've often been too distracted or too tired to remember to remind him to do it. So, on random mornings, I'll go out there by myself and gain a few moments of solitude. These plants, they are not doing so well. Some are dying, a few are totally dead, and some will get to looking very wilty then perk back up again after a few continuous days of watering. All of these plants need more than just a big soaking here and there. They need a bit of water every day. The same goes for so many things in life for us.

This is one of my more regularly watered plants... it's less green than when I got it, but surviving better than the plants outside. 

My kids need more than just an intense season of schoolwork, a few deep conversations about God, or random spurts of love and affection from me. It is the small, daily actions that add up to the life of abundant peace and joy I so desperately want for my kids. 

My kids need a regular diet of hearing God's word, of receiving affection from me, of having their minds stimulated by truth and beauty. And in regards to enjoying life and having lots of opportunity, sometimes the big, huge thing we think will be memorable for a lifetime turns out to be a big flop. For me, it's the little things my parents did that I remember most fondly, habits of spending time with us, or just enjoying being together.

This has been a comforting revelation for me, as we are not big vacationers and don't do any camping, and as my summer has been a bit more "me-centered" than I intended. The guilt over not giving my children what I see other moms giving theirs has been hard for me to navigate. One lifestyle does not fit all families, and I know what my kids need better than anyone else, but it's hard to fight feeling like I could be doing more for them. And while yes, a vacation to Disneyland sounds like a blast, it is not what will make my children's lives wonderful. More importantly, my daily attitude and interactions with them is what will enable them to get the most out of life.

It will never be the rare, extravagant vacations or sparse, exotic experiences that determine the outcome of their hearts and lives.

If you struggle with feeling let down after big plans have been made or large events have been thrown, or if you have a hard time figuring out what to do to make your home more life-giving, don't think that a magnificent vacation or elaborate birthday party will make everything magically wonderful. Those are blips of fun and excitement thrown in, not the foundation of your lives together. It is the daily grind that will either grind you down or polish you up. It is the moment-by-moment interactions with your children that will shape how they see themselves and how they see the world around them.

I do want to talk more about little habits and tricks you can implement, just small things to help you see how easy it can be to get your mind into a better space, but that will have to wait for another day. The big task I am working on right now is making my daily reactions to the kids better. Instead of being frustrated with the continual questions, I am setting clearer boundaries (with explanations) for them, then giving them my full attention when it is needed and appropriate. Instead of being in a huff about having to help my four-year-old with something, I try to act like I am glad to serve her (because really, I should be happy to help) and make sure I actually see her, acknowledge her, and notice something I love about her during those small moments.

These little tasks might seem silly or inconsequential, but it is building a habit of appreciating my children and teaching them how to love and live with other people. It's taking actions I know are good and beneficial and putting them into my life intentionally. I want to naturally enjoy chatting with my kids, but if I only do this when it's convenient for me, my kids will pick up on this and no longer strive for my attention.

Overall, I am learning that these small habits, the little ways I act, and the little ways I react to others, make a large, long-term impact. Sadly, I'm not usually very impressed by my own actions or reactions, and I definitely need God's help in aligning my life with the way He wants me to live. Little by little, my heart is being filled, my mind is being renewed, and my kids are being loved. It might not look glamorous or exciting, but over the course of their lives it will look like love, commitment, intentionality, sacrifice... all the things they will need to understand and observe in order live a good life.

If I could encourage you in one thing today, it would be to love them well in any small way you can find. Don't let discouragement about what you can't do, rob you of what you can do. Water the people in your life every day! Don't wait until you have something fantastic planned. Wipe those bottoms with a sweet smile for your child, answer their questions with a "yes dear" instead of a "what!?", and tell them what a gift they really are every chance you get. Make love and encouragement a staple in your home. Do it every day and enjoy the growth you will find all around you.





*In case you are curious, here are affiliate links to some of the books I have been enjoying that have contributed to some of my thinking:

A Hunger for God by John Piper
The Road Back to You by Ian Morgan Cron and Suzanne Stabile
The Growth Mindset Coach by Annie Brock
The Happiness Advantage by Shawn Achor
Anchored In by Micah Maddox

Learning to Love the Challenge of Growing.

If you remember a while ago, I posted a little about myself and my struggle with certain strengths and desires here. I listed my top five strengths according to the survey in Now, Discover Your Strengths tried to better explain my constant desire to finish well, to do my best, and achieve the greatest possible outcome I can control. As I seem to be given many opportunities to grow in my areas of weakness, lately I have been inspired to see how I can use my strengths in ways that don't seem so obvious at first. These strengths are things I've known about for over 15 years now but I have rarely looked at them objectively, seeking to leverage them in order to fulfill a purpose or achieve a goal - despite being an achiever! Ha! But lately, I've been intentionally embracing these parts of myself and trying to enjoy them, to let them be a blessing to others, even if the opportunity to use them is less than pleasant, and grow into them as much as I can.

I've often been told I am energetic, passionate, and that my excitement over something rubs off on other people. But let me tell you, I hardly ever feel like that energized person for more than moments at a time. This really got to me the last couple years, as more and more strangers would talk about how I inspired them or encouraged them in their learning, or their ambitions, and I would feel a little bit dumbfounded. I tried really hard not to look confused, but that is definitely how I felt.

Days after a big event, or after and meeting where I got to talk about a subject I love, I'd often crash emotionally and wonder if I was being something other than my genuine self in those settings. It wasn't until after SheSpeaks last year that I began to connect the dots about this mystery in my life. With each passing month I am gaining more clarity about myself, my role, my choices, and see the different modes in which I operate. It wasn't that I was not being genuine during those times, but rather than much of my life does not include room for my natural strengths to be used, at least, not in the ways I envisioned, not in the ways that easily rejuvenate me.

How does one "achieve" as a SAHM without making herself overly proud of the role she is in? Plus, I'm bad at cleaning, so my daily list of accomplishments is rarely something to boast about. How does a SAHM feel good about the progress of her projects at home or the things she got started when it's very taboo to brag about home-life and homeschooling your children? I definitely think that is not the way to go, and it would just build walls. How could I possibly Win Others Over or win at anything important when I often prefer to stay home and read a book? Yeah, it definitely does not feel like a lot of winning on those days. Are you seeing how I was feeling? So many of my strengths are not ideal for being a homeschool mom.

For long bouts, I let this defeat me. I succumbed to the idea that a good homeschool mom makes everything from scratch, is 100 percent content to sacrifice most of her time for her kids, or is a patient, soft-spoken, morning person. If I met another woman who didn't struggle with the desire to accomplish something important, I automatically assumed she was better than me, or that something was terribly amiss in my heart. Women can be like this, as I'm sure you know. We analyze ourselves by comparison, it just comes naturally. But we need to start analyzing ourselves by God's standards.

Several things will happen when we do this.

We will be more humble. When we see that we can never live up to the level of perfection and love that God calls us to, we will receive His grace much more willingly and happily.

We will love other women without judgment... or at least less. We will recognize their flaws as innate, not purposeful or impossible to overcome and we will be quick to forgive and overlook offenses. We will desire to see good things in them, to know them better and be real with them more regularly.

We will be free from our own judgements. We will see that God has made us in particular ways for particular purposes, and different seasons of our lives will grow us in different ways. This will enable us to embrace difficult seasons, knowing they are not the only season we will have in life. We will not be fearful of enduring hardship, because we trust it will end in due time and will have its desired effect.

According to God's word, He is preparing me for good works, according to His purposes (Ephesians 2:10). A long season of sacrificing in ways that are not natural, or even desirable, is preparing me for different hard seasons, which may feel easier after having endured those other hard seasons. I will be stronger because of them, or at least, more willing to endure, because I know there will be another spring at the end of each desolate winter.

While I truly love homeschooling and being home with my kids, I see this season not as the pinnacle of my life, but as a season of preparation and opportunity. Part of the great opportunity lies in being the primary person my children turn to for help. They have come to trust me, to see me as the first person they can come to for whatever need they have. What a blessing that is! Another part of this opportunity is the chance to grow in ways that are uncomfortable in the comfort of my home. I stink at serving, I am often a lousy house-wife, and usually pretty bad at being tidy. But, I'm not called out publicly on these things (unless you count admitting this all to you). I can work on these in private and avoid being shamed in front other others. I can get help from people who love me as needed, and my job is not at stake because of my failures.

The preparation aspect of my role at home is a little harder to remember on difficult days. I have many interruptions throughout my day, a lot of people asking me questions, and so many demands placed upon me, both from myself and from others, that I am forced to be more organized and more intentional. But somehow, I still end up getting sidetracked, becoming distracted by other people's success or by my own misery (yes, that's a little dramatic, but I'm just trying to be honest here). I forget to trust the Lord and work with His plans instead of dwelling on my own. When I put my heart into my "work", no matter what that looks like on each particular day, I can trust this work has a good purpose, one God has set in motion to accumulate and build and grow into another purpose He has for me down the road. When I despise this work of being steady, patient, service-minded, and giving, I miss out on being ready for the other works He is setting on my path. They get delayed, or maybe I'm simply less prepared when I finally catch up to them, and there are few things I hate more than not being prepared for something important!

I hope you are catching my drift in all of this rambling. Our strengths are not always used in all the seasons of our lives, but we can find ways to grow no matter the situations we find ourselves in. I am practicing my strength of Winning Others Over by trying to Win my children's hearts and minds over to the Lord's purposes. I try to use my strength of being an avid Learner to show to beauty of learning to those I encounter, young and old alike, and homeschooling really does afford me great opportunity in this certain strength. While my strength of being an Activator is hard when often stranded at home with obligations other than the tasks I'd like to accomplish, I can work on getting the kids started on their tasks, investing in their needs and goals, finding contentment in God's purpose behind being home, not just in my own goals or personal endeavors.

Most of all, I really want you to see how your strengths can still be used in situations that are not what you had planned, or even what seem fitting. No matter where you find yourself, you can use your God-ordained gifts to grow, bless, and be content, despite every single challenge you encounter. When you look back at these seasons of difficulty, you will smile seeing all the ways you grew, all the ways God prepared you for the situation you are currently facing, and know that once again, you will grow, learn, and be fully capable to walk in the truth.

My Big Three and My Biggest Plan.

I love New Years, and I usually make some resolutions, but this year I just never got around to putting them down on paper. After reading The Accidental Creative last year, how I look at my life and my perspective on making progress have changed. I don't think having a bunch of goals is necessarily the best way to ensure you accomplish what you hope to, so instead I'm choosing to narrow my focus and make plans along certain priorities.

In his book Todd Henry recommends having a "Big Three", three main priorities you are always looking at, three goals for the month, three projects, etc. More than three and you're spread too thin. Less than three and you'll get easily distracted and stop moving forward. So what are my big three? Aside from my service to God and my family (which always come before everything else), I am focusing on...

- Homeschooling
- Writing
- My Oils Business

Each week and each month I will have certain objectives and planned tasks in order to keep me on track. I'll have to actually look at my planner, but more on that later. I want to spend a short amount time here on the blog on each of those priorities, and today I'll start with homeschooling.

Several days ago, I was in a major funk. Hardly functioning really, just taking care of daily stuff, completely irritable, and hardly able to think a single thought to completion. I was certainly not my best self. In all reality, I get like this semi-frequently, maybe every other month or so, it's really hard to nail down why. Anyway, I felt like my life was always going to be this under-whleming normal, the person who is always needed, and while often appreciated, I just wasn't feeling like the this life was the best use of myself. I was spending a lot of time thinking about my goals, my ambition, my lack of energy, my giant load of responsibility, and none of it was fitting together enough to make sense.

As I scrolled through Instagram (for maybe the tenth time that day), I came across a friend's post where she quoted a few lines from a book a friend gave her. I don't know all the people I need to thank for making that happen, but Amanda is one if them for sure! Here it is:

"When we are consumed by God's glory, we forget to worry about our own. When our eyes are fixed on Him as the source of all goodness and truth and beauty, we accept that we are not. When we are enamored by His worth and majesty, we can stop being so enamored with ourselves. And fascinatingly, when we seek God's glory, we'll be able to appreciate it in the people around us. Instead of seeing them as threats to our own glory, we will see them as beautiful reflections of His."

This quote is by Hannah Anderson in her book Humble Roots.

Isn't that the perfect reminder? I was so busy trying to figure out my own life, I could not even begin to enjoy my role or look for the silver linings in all the difficult parts of being a homeschool mom, much less lovingly invest in my kids (which is the pretty much the whole point). What makes this quote, this truth, even more refreshing is that our current culture doesn't say this, and much of popular Christianity today does not say this. Famous authors, accomplished people, and many well-known Christian women tell us to look in our heart, to find our true desires, and make those dreams happen. At what point do we admit that our hearts are askew and maybe we have no clue what is really best for our lives?

We are so focused on ourselves that we despise the "inconveniences" we encounter every day, and we miss all the things God is putting in our way to lead us down a better path. If that path is more tumultuous, more painful, or simply less glamorous, we despise it or question how it can possibly be good. We don't actually believe that a life filled with service, alternate plans, and less consideration about our own dreams will actually be better, more fulfilling, and more worthwhile. I think I believe this, but my heart and these tumultuous bouts with my mind prove that I don't believe it as much as I'd like to think.

So what does this have to do with my homeschooling? What I really want is to make my plans and be willing to relinquish them, to be after God's priorities in our schooling time more than my own ideas of what needs to happen and how. I made my agenda for the year, and I want to focus on meeting my kids needs in schooling above my other ambitions. I want to gladly sit down and read to them without resentment, without worrying about my other tasks, without rushing through. I want to savor them, and more than just that, I want to earnestly seek out what God is doing through our homeschooling to grow in relationship with my kids and other homeschool families.

In all of my big three priorities, I need to be reminded of one thing: God's glory is most important. My kids seeing God in my behavior is more important than my shower, bigger than the inconvenience of spilled milk, and far superior to my agenda of getting my seven-year-old to memorize three types of consumers. If I can stop, look to see how wonderful God made each of my children, and look for the way to love them well, my homeschooling endeavors will be accomplished.

For some of you, seeking God's glory might mean handing over the schooling to someone else, or maybe it means asking for help when you don't want to admit you are struggling. It is totally possible that God's glory means pursuing that fire He put in you above a lot of other things in your life. What this decision-making, priority-setting process really comes down to is willingness. How willing are you to drop one thing and move on to whatever it is God is asking you to step into? How hard are you clinging to hopes, dreams, ambitions, or goals that are not God's goals for you and your family? This is a tough pill to swallow, I hear you.

As a very ambitious, type-A, goal-oriented person, I am trying to swallow this pill the best I can. But each time I come back to this idea, every time I remember I am after God's work (not my plan), the pill slides a little further down, bringing more peace and less craziness in my brain. We need to admit we don't always know best, and confess that sometimes we are irrationally clinging to goals that do not make sense in God's kingdom. We have to see that being a person, a mom, a wife, an (insert whatever your main identity word is here), does not actually revolve around us, but around God's work, around His agenda, around His purpose for us in that role.

Why on earth would we want to miss the exciting work of God's plans being forefront in our lives? We really think we know what is best for us, but I know wholeheartedly that we don't. It's time for us to admit it, come face-to-face with the fact that our pouting is mostly about our selfish wants, and less about God's holy work. I want to want what God wants more than the other things I want (still with me?). More than I want to get my own way, more than I want to have everything under my control. I finally feel crazy and overwhelmed enough to admit I cannot figure out my life and my purpose on my own. It feels surprisingly good, I'm not sure why it always takes me so long, or why I constantly forget. The peace we can gain from simply allowing God's work to be the most important thing in our lives is completely unreal. It's not a fair trade, and we are definitely getting the better end of this deal.

Maybe this all seems a bit vague to you, so I'll tell you some tangible things I'll be doing to ensure God's work is my priority.

1. Reading my bible and praying for others will come before Instagram and Facebook. It seems like a no-brainer, but seriously, it can be a problem.

2. Speaking kindly to my children will be a daily goal, sometimes hourly, often every few minutes. Children forgive, but they are shaped by our tone, and this is something I am working really hard to get a grip on.

3. Homeschooling will come before my other priorities. Before trying to get caught up on business posts, or reading, I need to ensure I am using my time for my kids' education without resentment for how it inhibits my schedule. Their educational needs will change, and right now, and for the next three to five years, what they glean from my personal input is huge. It needs to be extremely important, set-apart, and seen as a glorious opportunity to fill my kids up with God's goodness and the beauty of the world He made.

So that's my general homeschooling agenda until summer. Overall, I'm seeing how the biggest investment opportunities we have revolve around people. People are influenced by people. Maybe they are motivated by dollars, by prizes, or prestige, but people rarely find peace, love, or a healthy identity because of those things. So in my big three I will be looking at how I can invest in others the way God would invest in them. Being a good friend, a reliable neighbor, a stable and comforting mother - these are the qualities that I want to see affecting my big three this year. And I'm convinced that as I follow God's lead in these ambitions, no matter what other hopes or dreams fall apart, I will be content knowing I've put a seed of God's love into all the passions I've pursued and into all the people I've invested in.

Reading and Writing.

I read an article last year that said reading does not necessarily make you a good writer. If this were the case we'd see a closer margin for how many kids per classroom excel in reading vs. writing. This article emphasized that it was being read to out loud and memorization of quality pieces of literature which bring us closer to the title of "excellent writer", not just plain old reading.

I agree, for the most part, but I also see in myself an ability to write with more ease and accuracy when I've simply been reading good books. I imagine the more I read, the better literature I read, and the more I commit certain passages to memory, the more my writing would improve. As I read good literature out loud to my children, I do see more improvement in my own vocabulary and ability to string together a better sentence, but alas, there are only so many hours in the day, and there are also so many dirty dishes and loads of laundry in my day.

Each day as I wade through what needs my attention and what can be set aside, I would almost always choose reading over dishes if I had no regard for my husband's time or his opinion of me. Oh yes, and my commitment to serve my family, let's not forget that. But really, I do spend a lot of time scrolling Instagram, checking for messages on Facebook, and browsing through Pinterest looking at beautiful homes, amazing color-schemes, and blossoming floral arrangements. Why? Why do I trade real work, profitable work, even work that is fun for me and helps me to reach my goals, for mindless scrolling and browsing?

Besides feeling more than frazzled some days, I recognize my desire for beautiful things. It's part of eternity and God's loveliness set on our hearts. There is joy in witnessing something amazing, something so lovely we fail to adequately express it to others. We get distracted looking for that beauty in all kinds of places and often forget to stay focused on the tasks piling up behind us. As I am doing now... I'd much rather talk about beautiful things than tell you about what I am attempting to do right now, which has little to do with beauty and more to do with commitment.

At SheSpeaks, one of my sessions was with a publisher from Zondervan and she said one of the best things we can do is to read every day and write every day. Blogs, news articles, and letters don't count as reading. It needs to be real literature; even self-help doesn't quite make the cut. Emails and text messages, no matter how long, don't really count as writing either. There needs to be a level of commitment to reading great work and releasing what is in your mind.

I actually read or heard this same advice from two other sources within the six days I was out of state. Once from a "real" writing book, and another time was from an autobiography. Funny how God does that.

So here I am, writing today, at 9:15pm PST. Better late than never, yes? While I certainly don't think I'll commit to writing every single day, I am taking baby steps to writing more often, even when my thoughts are not fully formed, when there is no moral, lesson, or specific devotional-type theme in my writing. Madelein L'engle talks about how writing comes from your hands as much as it comes from your brain, so I'm taking her word and practicing putting my thoughts onto my blog, trusting the process, and hoping for progress.

As my life is about to get a little crazy this coming month, I hope to stay on here in an effort to not only keep you all updated, but also to sort through my thoughts a little. It's easy to forget the intensity of God's calling when you get back home and into the seemingly mundane task of keeping a home and rearing children, but I think writing more frequently will help keep my vision and His calling fresh.

What is that calling you ask? Well, I'm not completely ready to reveal everything, and I'm also not completely sure what it will amount to. I will say that despite being a person who wears their emotions on their sleeve, I've been very hesitant to admit the desires of my heart. It's scary to say "I want to pursue X, Y, Z." and see what happens. Plus, I love to over-analyze, so I always need to leave a little room for that. But even after sorting out the differences between selfish ambition and a calling from God, I realize that I have been slow to truly admit what I want.

In Psalm 139, there's a point where David is asking God for revenge, then he switches gears and talks about God knowing his beginnings, his heart, his earnestness. I feel like this now, like I want to ask God for something but I am a little scared, not just about the future, but of pursuing something that is out of a sinful desire. I keep coming back to how David handled it and saying to God "You know me. You know better than I do if this is from a pure heart. You take this desire and grant it or replace this desire with righteous motives."

This is where I am today. Admitting to God what it is I want, putting forth effort to pursue it, and trusting God to steer me and my family as we make decisions. In my role as wife (and certainly not the bread-winner) this gets a bit more tricky. I trust God to move my husband, but I'm a little more ready to leap at new opportunities and plan out all the details right away, so balancing my desires to move forward and figure stuff out with following my husband's lead and trusting him to make decisions, is faith-building to say the least. But, I can write, and I can read, and I can spend time every day doing at least one or the other.

This is a form of pursuing excellence. Even when I cannot make big decisions right away about our living circumstances, I can make decisions about how I invest in myself. It's hard to wait, to sit back, and support my family without pushing them into my plans, but losing myself in a good book and putting my thoughts onto paper (well, a computer really), is a great way to keeping investing in this vision and taking steps into the person I want to become. And really, who ever regretted reading Anne of Green Gables instead of mopping? Definitely not me.

Mercy, Not Sacrifice.

I've been thinking about this quote from the bible in Matthew 9:13 a lot recently.

"Go and learn what this means 'I desire mercy, and not sacrifice.' For I came not to call the righteous, but sinners."

Jesus was eating with tax collectors and the like, when the Pharisees began to question His disciples about it. Jesus tells them to think about this idea; mercy, not sacrifice. He wants them to know He is out to save the lost, not those who consider themselves righteous.

Jesus also recites this phrase again in Matthew 12:7, telling the Pharisees that yes, it was lawful to pick grain to eat on the Sabbath based on this same idea; mercy, not sacrifice.

This original phrase is found in Hosea 6:6 and says "For I desire steadfast love and not sacrifice, the knowledge of God rather than burnt offerings."

God was speaking to His people, telling them that their sacrifices were in vain if they did not turn their hearts back to Him. Jesus used this with the Pharisees to tell them God desired their hearts, not their attempts at living righteously.

The reason I have been thinking about these verses and this idea is because of how quick I am to name my own sacrifices. I give up free time, I exert my energy on home-cooked meals (mostly), I spend hours reading and researching about how to educate my children, then I actually spend bunches of hours teaching them not just math, but also social skills, every other subject, and about God. I give up mid-day coffee dates with friends and I have to bring my kids with me almost everywhere I go. I make a lot of sacrifices in the name of raising my children well, and this verse always left me feeling like I must be missing something. I feel like it's becoming more clear in my mind how I have been misunderstanding what kind of sacrifice God wants.

God doesn't want me to simply sacrifice everything for my family, He wants me to have mercy toward them, to have steadfast love be my guiding force. When I honestly evaluate my actions and intentions, they are not usually guided by steadfast love. I've never been one to claim perseverance as a quality I possess, either physically or mentally, but I see God working in me more and more to gain some ground in it. And being merciful to children day after day, really requires the perseverance only God can give.

To help explain it better, you can see mercy defined as:

- compassionate or kindly forbearance shown toward an offender, an enemy, or other person in one's power.
- the disposition to be compassionate or forbearing.
- an act of kindness, compassion, or favor.

Having mercy toward children can sometimes feel like wussing out, or letting the kids win, but a deeper look has shown me that having mercy on someone is usually still sacrifice, just dressed in different clothing. For instance, when I am patient and speak kindly to a child who has disobeyed, I am giving up my desire to express anger. When I choose to kindly help a child who is frustrated, I am sacrificing my own frustration and energy. When I decide not to complain, I am giving up a selfish desire to have my troubles be known.

Is this sinking in? Can you see how it works out?

Mercy is not just letting a person get away with doing wrong, it's doling out kindness, deserved or not. It's not giving what the natural world gives, but offering something better. It's working toward restoration instead of only allowing consequences. Mercy is sacrificing what you think should happen, to let love reign.

The picture of Jesus giving us mercy instead of eternal death needs to be our example. I'm not saying my kids never suffer consequences, but I'm looking more deeply at my reactions and motivations, sorting out what is sacrifice in order to lift myself up (like the Pharisees) or mercy toward people who need Jesus too. Jesus didn't hold up His sacrifice toward others as His proof of love, He simply acted lovingly in everything He did.

This concept is changing how I homeschool, how I discipline, and how I think about the things I am willing or unwilling to sacrifice. If I am willing to give up a career at this stage of my kids' lives to better their futures, shouldn't I be willing to do so kindly? If not, something has been lost. It shows me how I have held up my sacrifice as proof of my desire to live righteously, but have not looked at what God actually wants from me.

Steadfast love. Mercy. Compassion.

These are what I need to be giving. I need to let go of frustration in order to give steadfast love. I have to give up anger if I want to dish out mercy. I must let go of my own standard of what my kids should be able to do in order to have compassion toward them. And trust me, it takes a lot of bravery and guts to swallow that pride in our sacrifice and admit we could stand to love better.

I hope this is helpful for all you weary moms, homeschoolers or not. You will feel a burden lifted when you let go of your sacrifices and hang on to God's mercy. It is truly endless. I know it might feel like defeat to set those burnt offerings down, but you have victory in Him. He'll give you countless days of blessing with your family when you decide to give them love, mercy, and compassion, instead of just sacrificing for them. And the best part, it's never too late to start!

Criticizing Criticism.

If it seems a little hypocritical to criticize someone for being critical of other people, you are right. I am a naturally critical person, judging when I am not asked to judge, and often unable (or unwilling?) to keep my opinion to myself.  Which is why I need to take all of my ideas expressed in this blog post and live them out too!

In High School choir, our director gave the seniors symbolic gifts at the end of the school year, and my senior year, Mr. Graber gave out tool-themed gifts. He gave me a measuring tape for my constant ability to analyze and gauge how we were doing, what we should be working on, and how much more effort we would need to invest in order for a piece to become "concert ready".

I remember feeling honored, thinking his gift showed a hidden talent I possessed for understanding goals and measuring success. This is true to an extent, but the older I get, the more clearly I see how my constant evaluation of every circumstance, event, or action is bringing me despair instead of joy. Especially when it concerns the lifestyle choices of other people.

My Facebook feed is filled with numerous opinions expressing discontentment, judgement, or critical evaluation of someone, some thing, or some event. I come across far too many blog-posts about the grumpy woman at Target, articles about the president's mode of transportation, and books about the terrible consequences of disciplining your children. All day long, I am bombarded with critical opinions from other people via social media. Even at the grocery store, at the gym, and sometimes even at church, we voice problems with our world, dissatisfaction and struggle, rather than seeing goodness, speaking kind words, or offering encouragement.

Aren't you tired of it? Don't we all just want to hear something lovely? Something uplifting?

I do. I'm sure you do. Which is why I am writing this. Yes, this is another blog-post falling into the same critical category as all of the things driving me crazy. But, I hope the end goal is much better.

There is a time and a place to be critical. For instance, while editing my blog posts. I need to judge the use of my words, the clarity of my sentences, and the continuity of the entire idea I aim to express. I need to be critical when choosing books for my children to read, or for my own personal reading. After all, I don't want to put random junk into my children's minds or spend my own precious time engrossed with ideas of little benefit. I should also be critical about the food I feed my family. I want to nourish them with food, not just grab something cheap and easy from a box or can.

Here's where we cross the line. Do I need to be critical about a stranger's blog post and leave a snarky response? Or should I just evaluate politely, maybe even privately? Should I speak up about my friend feeding her child fruit snacks, or should I only evaluate that decision for my own family? Is it wise to preach "organic or die" or should I simply make that choice for myself and influence others through action, speaking up when appropriate situations arise?

It will be helpful for each of us to draw these lines where we see fit. We don't need to hyper-analyze every circumstance we could possibly find ourselves in but what we desperately need is security in our own choices, and guidelines for appropriate behavior. Sounds a little too simple, right? It is definitely simple in concept, but living it out is another thing.

How can we apply this idea of being secure in our decisions, and act well in every circumstance? Is it better to have a detailed method of response to friends who feed their children fruit snacks, or should I simply have a general guideline for how and when I speak out against true atrocities? And mind you, I don't consider fruit snacks to be an atrocity. There are times when we will need to wade through complicated issues, and make important decisions on when to speak up and when to remain silent, but unless you are living in a literal war-zone, you probably don't need to hyper analyze everything you encounter every day.

I suggest we make a continued effort in being the people we want to be, rather than having a set of strict guidelines to keep ourselves constantly in check. This is the difference between following the law and following Jesus. It is better to keep your heart tender to the leading of the Holy Spirit than aiming to mold your life according to a single church policy. It is better to be respectful and kind toward all people than to set your guidelines for who deserves respect and analyze each person you meet. Your joy will be more profound when seeking to obey the Lord in Spirit than worrying about how to keep each rule every day.

It might be easy for you to be critical of this suggestion, citing that some may take advantage of their freedom from the law, but I think it's time we stop concerning ourselves so much about those skirting the law while chasing their flesh, and concern ourselves more with loving the people we encounter. God is able to convict their hearts, far more able than you are. A critical spirit will drive them from your presence, but an understanding heart will engage their mind and make them open to the Spirit's voice.

Like I said, there are times to be critical, but probably not nearly as often as we think. And when it comes to interacting with each other, our criticism is devastatingly contagious.

If you want to see a real-life demo of the spread of this disease, watch your family objectively for a day. This is when I am most discouraged with my failures. When I wake up critical, grumpy, and demanding, I see my eldest son being impatient, frustrated, and bothered by his siblings. I see my second son being discouraged by his own mistakes, and my little girl assuming we are all out to make her life miserable. All of this snowballing from a few small remarks I made, about how they clear their dishes, or how they put away a toy.

This should not be so! Once again, I look at my long-term goal for my family: to know God and make Him known. When I watch my children clear their own dishes, do they see God from what I say? When I wait for my slow-poke to put on shoes, does he feel a loving presence over him? When I am impatiently talking to the cashier at Target, do my kids see me loving a stranger, or does the stranger see God's patient kindness? Or are my constant evaluations of everyone else's behavior and performance fuel for anger and discouragement, creating a divide between myself and others?

I think you see what I am saying now. Our critical spirits cause separation. Our voiced opinions of performance spread discouragement. Our constant disappointment with other people's choices spread a fear of never living up to expectations.

Break the cycle, stop voicing your disappointment, and turn your criticisms into prayers. It's easy to see what we don't like in other people, and hard to admit what we don't like about ourselves. But the sooner we confess our failures and commit to living well despite them, the sooner we are back on the path God has for us.

It is freeing to put that measuring tape down, to simply enjoy the people in our lives without constantly checking to see if they are living the way we think they should. I'm always surprised by how much more my children accomplish when I set aside my critiques. They act better, love more easily, and live with confidence. This form of excellence is what I am after, for myself and my children. But it will never be found when criticism is the reigning spirit. Love of truth, honor, justice, purity, loveliness, and praiseworthy things are what will bring that joy of fellowship, with my family and with those I encounter every day. Let these things reign in your life more than methods, criticisms, or behavioral expectations. Trust me, you will see the difference and wonder what took you so long!

Homeschooling When Service is Not Your Gift

It's no secret; service is not my greatest strength. It doesn't matter what setting I am in, it almost never crosses my mind to jump up and serve. I can be at a pot-luck, with kids at a social event, or with family at a party and everyone else around me may be helping in some way while I am sitting around chit-chatting. During the first several years of our marriage, I cannot tell you how many times I went to a family event and, after the meal, I would be the only woman in the room not washing dishes, or clearing plates, or helping children. My husband's family is well-gifted (and practiced) in service, and also in manners, so it took me a while to notice this weakness of mine.

I can't recall anyone ever telling me I was bad at serving. When I am serving, I do it well, and try not to complain, but I am not naturally drawn to most forms of service. On every single strengths survey I have ever taken, service has come up as my lowest scoring trait. Always! Teaching is usually somewhere near the top, which lends itself well to homeschooling. Knowledge, or rather, the desire to learn, and ambition, are often some of my top strengths as well. While these are wonderful traits to have when you desire to educate your children at home and have high hopes of changing the world, service is absolutely necessary too. In fact, if you cannot serve joyfully and continually, this homeschooling gig will be a struggle. And too often I despair in the weight of this struggle.

There are so many parts of homeschooling I love. Seeing my children learn to read, being with them as their minds understand a difficult or new math concept, guiding them to make connections between historical people and places they have seen on a map - these are all experiences I would hate to miss. Watching them grow in their knowledge is exciting, invigorating, and confirmation of this path we are walking. However, offering my time endlessly, while doing dishes, and helping my children learn manners, and social etiquette, while also taking them to the library, the rock museum, the park and more, might be a task better suited for those who love to serve.

Does this mean I should give up? Resign to put them in a more formal school setting? I don't think so, not yet at least.

To accomplish these tasks I will have to learn, practice, and ask for help with the skill of service. The Lord has been so gracious in helping me endure for this long, but I can feel myself starting to crumble under the pressure. All these service-related tasks in my day feel like heavy obligations. When other tasks begin to appear during my week, like nursery duty, a big project, or hosting people in my home, I feel the quick tingle of adrenaline hit my heart and try to take deep breaths.

To many people, these tasks are simply expected, a normal part of life. But for me, they feel like an eternity of doing things I am terrible at, or running a marathon when I can barely jog an entire mile. Before I begin my enormous list of service-related tasks, I am already despairing, looking to when I might be able to find a free half-hour to read. When I arrive at my free half-hour, I am tired, exhausted, and then despair over how short half an hour is. This is when I curl up on the couch and tire myself out by thinking endlessly about what I can possibly do to rid myself of serving so much.

If you are gifted in service, this might seem pretty comical. I assure you I am only being slightly dramatic. In one sense, I cannot help what my brain naturally does with all of these challenging tasks. It just goes, and goes, and continues going down that path of weariness and dread for a long time. But, I can make valiant efforts to keep my brain from traveling too far down that road.

The simplest trick I use to help me jump into a service-related task is to start without thinking too much. When I jump off the couch and announce "Cole, time for spelling!" and simply get to it, I am more quickly rewarded with being finished (duh, right?)! Plus, I've reached a rewarding milestone for where my strengths lie; accomplishing an important task. I get to cross spelling off my well-planned homeschool calendar, and I don't have to think about it anymore. The "undone" doesn't haunt me the rest of the day. Yes, I still spent a chunk of time and energy serving, but I also got to taste the rewarding fruit from it.

I can see God working on me in this area of being able to serve without hating life by helping give me some wisdom in how my curriculum choices affect our days. You already know I am a control-freak, but I'm finally becoming willing to give some things up. For instance, Math. No, I am not giving up the subject entirely, but I am beginning to let Khan Academy teach for me in order to preserve my serving time for other tasks in need of my effort. I would prefer to be hyper-involved in leading the kids in their math progress, but that is becoming an expensive trade-off. With the time and effort Saxon requires, I consistently have less patience and less time to read books, take walks, or create art with all three kiddos. I have less time overall to manage my home, and less flexibility to leave my home when math is still calling. I will admit, I am a little nervous the boys might "miss something" when I am not the person leading every skill introduction, but I am attempting to trust God, trust the process, and give up some control for a better home life.

Homeschooling is definitely primarily a service-oriented job. I need to come to terms with this. Despite my reluctancy, this year I can see myself slowly growing in this area. I have no problem with the other aspects of homeschooling more suited to my gifting and this gives me some hope. I can research curriculum and plan our entire year, then come away feeling ready for that marathon. I can talk to person after person, sharing all the ins and outs of classical education, Charlotte Mason, beautiful books, and wonderful adventures, leaving each conversation ready to engage in another. Sharing and learning fuel me for life! Understanding the importance of service, and letting that deeply impact me in a way that leads to revitalization in my soul, eh, that is hard work. Work I cannot do by myself. Work I desperately need God to do in my heart.

Giving up my preferences is the first step in letting God direct my heart toward service. I have to look at our home life and let that guide my curriculum choices a little more. I need to look at my kids' emotional responses to my frustration and let that motivate me to be patient and kind. I'm not exactly sure what else I need to do, but mostly, I need to be open to change. Both change in our daily life and God changing my heart and mind. Change is always hard, but it is also one of the few things guaranteed in our daily life. Circumstances, prices, jobs, cars, friends, health, houses; everything will change at some point.

Changing often feels a bit like admitting I was wrong. Like if I change my curriculum, I am saying "Oops, I guess I shouldn't have done that!" but this is not true. It's okay to change, to see the benefit of learning from what you were doing and then to be excited for what you will be doing. It is better to change with cheerful expectancy than glum remorse. It's also okay to spend the majority of your day serving, doing menial tasks, and possibly feeling like your accomplishments are small. Small does not mean unimportant, and important is made up of many small things, no matter what field, industry, or task you are involved in.

Homeschooling against and despite your weaknesses is a sharpening, challenging task. But it isn't impossible. And you will see fruit in it. If you are feeling discouraged, find the root. See that challenge or problem for what it is worth and look honestly at what is does to your family. Making homeschooling less discouraging will probably mean some type of change; in your heart, in your obligations, in your curriculum, in some way. And if you make that change out of love and sincerity, it will bless everyone involved. Even if you are not incredibly excited about said change, but go into it looking for the goodness it will bring, you will be blessed and grateful for it too.

If nothing else, when you feel discouraged about how hard serving your family feels, know I am right there with you! And then email me, or text me, and remind me we won't feel this way forever.

Just Do It.

My husband works for Nike. No, this isn't a Nike plug. But their slogan is incredibly applicable to my life situation for many reasons. 

Years ago, my husband gave me some great advice. I wasn't asking for it at the time and surprisingly, it still stuck well. He was emptying the dishwasher for me and I honestly have no idea what I was doing - maybe standing there in the kitchen doing nothing? Zoning out after a rough day with the boys? Anyway, he goes to put the strainer away and asks "Where does this go again?". 

I will admit, it was not my best moment. I can't say I reacted well. Even writing it out now I feel pretty ridiculous. We had lived in that house for over a year, he was the primary dishwasher-emptier, and the strainer was a hot commodity in our kitchen. Annoyed, I answered "Sheesh, under the corner cupboard. Why do you always forget? You put it down there all the time." He was so cool and collected. He replies "Is there any reason why you can't just say that nicely?" 

I was a little shocked, mostly because I really couldn't think of a good reason! What did I think my harsh tone would accomplish? Did I really think replying with a poor attitude and a demeaning spirit was going to somehow help his brain store that information better? It was a little embarrassing. I'm so grateful my husband is such a laid back person, willing to reconcile at the slightest hint of an apology. I halfway mumbled, "Uh, well, I guess not." and he just went happily along, unloading the rest of the dishwasher. 

This encounter is recalled in my memory at least once a week. It applies to virtually every heated conversation you might have, and in my childrearing and homeschooling this little nugget is a frequented piece of advice. When I feel like raising my voice, if I can recall this little thought and "Just Do It", our day goes so much more smoothly. When I feel exasperated at a child who cannot shower in less than 20 minutes, if I can kindly remind him to finish up quickly, our entire interaction is pleasant instead of me feeling shame in how I spoke, and him feeling the guilt of my scorn. When I walk into a giant disaster in virtually any room in our home, if I can ever so sweetly remind my children how to treat their toys, or my stuff, or encourage them to clean up what they aren't using, everyone has much kinder hearts toward one another.

I just have to do it. Fake it 'til you make it. This is not a bad thing! Why would faking a pleasant tone (which most young children won't even realize is fake) be a bad way to talk to our children? Why would speaking kindly instead of explosively ever be a poor decision?  That poor decision of speaking in anger or frustration is a decision I make too often. But my husband's little piece of advice has been a life-saver for me. I forget to grab hold of it many days, but I can see myself making small steps toward speaking in love more consistently. Don't misunderstand me, I don't always feel like being loving, and I don't expect to ever feel like a loving person all the time. I am human. I will mess up. I will never be perfect all the time or react the right way all the time. None of us will.

This is why I think "Just Do It" applies so well to these types of situations. When we know love is the best option, but we cannot muster the courage to genuinely love in that moment, we can use loving words to prevent the onslaught that might otherwise occur. We can choose a pleasant tone to guide our children, guiding them away from shame or fear, and guarding our hearts from escalating into  turmoil over our sin. Truthfully, we can never muster genuine love in ourselves anyway, it is a gift from God. Ask for this gift from Him, ask to feel loving toward your husband, your children, and the people you encounter every day. But don't sit there and wait to feel loving, starting wars with your words and damaging your littles along the way. You're never too far gone to start practicing kind words. And actually, maybe the further gone you are, the more your loved ones will see the change. 

So please, Just Do It. Speak kind words. Even through clenched teeth. It is still better than the alternative. And while you are at it, give those kind words to those you love via email, Facebook, the phone, in person, even to the random stranger behind the coffee counter. There can never be too many kind words floating around. They are free, they redeem so much more than we can imagine, and they offer you an entryway into a legacy of kindness few leave behind these days. Don't worry about how terrible your habits might be, or how far you'll need to go in order to be labeled "kind" by those you know. It's so much better to start now than waiting until tomorrow. Just like moaning over how long it'll take to get in the shower and get ready, it takes longer to do it the longer you wait to start!

Feel free to steal from my easy list and dive in on that kind-words-habit tonight.

Instead of:

- Hey, don't touch that!

- Come on, finish that math paper right now!

- Goodness gracious, can you get any slower?

- Why did you leave your plate out again?

- What were you thinking? 

Say:

- No, no. That's not for touching sweety.

- Keep going on that math paper, you can do it!

- Let's try to move a little faster. Can I help you out?

- Hey bud, looks like you left your plate on the table again. Can you clear it please?

- Hmm, why did you do that? What did you think was going to happen?

I know this seems kind of cheesy, and maybe you think this is being totally fake. But I cannot tell you what a difference it makes in our day when I am intent on speaking love to my family, even on days where I feel it is an impossible task. It is amazing what humbling myself and being obedient in this small thing does for my heart towards all of them. In turn, their love for me becomes even more evident, spurring us all on together towards love and goodness. What can it hurt? Give it a try and tell me what you think! I'll leave you with this wisdom from Solomon…

"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up strife." Psalm 15:1