Winner!

Congratulations to Megan on winning a copy of Give Your Child the World! Thanks so much for reading my blog and commenting on my book review. I hope this book brings your family many adventures, including learning about lovely Canada :)

For all you other readers, I will be giving away many books this year... some pertaining to homeschooling, most not. I just love a good book, and any excuse to write more about books and buy more books is good for me! I'm willing to go great lengths to find time to read and review for anyone who is willing to hear me out (as you can tell from my photo of my unkept toes). If you really want to know about any of the particular books I've been reading, comment here and let me know what book you hope to win.

Thanks again for the support and participation. Until next time...

Should I?

In my last post about should, could and would, I told you to replace should with shall, could with can, and would with will. While I think those mostly hold true, I'm struggling with the replacement of should. Shall doesn't quite cut it, but I am lacking a nice "sh"-word. Jamie Martin, over at Simple Homeschool, posted a great article last summer on why we need to stop using the word should. We agree that should often stems from guilt, and that we need to see if those thoughts are legitimate. She suggests when we start saying "I should", it's better to ask "do I want to?".

I know many times when I've struggled through a should, I find that I don't actually want to, but other people seem to think I should, or my comparison problem has led me astray from my genuine desires. So instead of saying should, let's trying replacing it with desire, aspire, or strive.

Asking yourself if you should take action can be a hard question to answer. When guilt shows up and your mind starts reeling, should often comes in and tries to boss you around. It will say you aren't doing enough for your children, or that you are spending too much money on yourself, or tell you what endeavors deserve more of your time. Should will remind you of old hopes and desires, or even tempt you to compare yourself to the images you see of friends or even strangers on Social Media. Asking ourselves if we desire what should is telling us will help lead us down a path of action, rather than leaving us drowning in unsure waters.

While there are things we really should do (like feed our children, be kind to others, and to love God first and foremost), feeling guilt over what we should be doing all the time is not the way God changes our hearts. I'm not going to touch on concepts about what we shouldn't do right now, and maybe some other time I'll handle the idea of God's work in bringing us to repentance, but for now I'll stick with how God moves us to following Him intentionally and sifting out His voice from all the others around us. The Holy Spirit often comes at unexpected times, and rather than filling our thoughts with guilt over what we should do, he ignites passion and conviction, shows us what is possible, and makes a path for us.

Do you see should, could, and would in there?

The Holy Spirit Himself pours into us the alternative to these guilt-ridden words.

He gives us these instead: Desire. Can. Will.

These are the three words that help us move away from should, could, and would. We look at if we truly desire what should is telling us, ask if we are able to do what the task entails, and analyze if we are willing to do what it takes. In this way, we use our hearts, our minds, and our strength to walk into freedom from guilt. It is in this same pattern that we serve the Lord. We are told to "love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your might". This is Jesus' response to the Sadducees about what the greatest commandment is and I find it interesting that this same way of turning our hearts toward God can also be applied to straightening out a heart and mind swirling with guilt. His methods always lead to clarity and freedom, and I find great comfort in this.

So how do we start?

A good beginning question is always why. Why should I drink less coffee? Why should I spend less money on myself? Why should I invest my time in these specific places? Once you've got some answers there you'll be able to ask yourself if these shoulds are true, if you want to pursue them, and evaluate how important they are to you.

Don't be discouraged if your answers to these questions lead you to some not-so-fun revelations about the gunk in your heart. It's easy to know something is good, but it's another thing to want it for your life. I love coffee. I don't actually want to drink less, but it's possible that I want other things more. This is where we have to turn to the Lord to guide our hearts. When He places a desire within us, we can trust Him to give us the help we need to follow it.

I read this quote from Amy Carmichael the other day and it seemed very fitting for where we will head next...

"It is a safe thing to trust Him to fulfill the desire that He creates."

If you discover this should really is something you want for your life, but still feel incapable or lack the desire to follow through, you can rest in God's ability. You can trust Him to help you decipher this should and give you vision and desire. He will help take you from could and give you a plan for can. He will renew your strength and help make you willing to endure the sacrifice required to pursue that particular desire. He will make your desire big enough to conquer any fear, resistance, or reluctance still lurking in your mind and enable you to follow through on your plans.

All your shoulds cannot be overcome by simple practical solutions or sheer willpower. As a Christian, the best thing you can do is rely on God to produce everything you need to follow the desires He puts in your heart. Allow yourself time to think about this desire, whatever it may be. Don't distrust a desire because you can't see the path yet. And don't follow shoulds blindly because everyone else seems to be doing it. Use your mind to think about the truth behind each should, and bring them before the Lord.

Now that I've got you questioning your shoulds with intentionality, it's time to make you wait another week to find out what to do with could. The best way to fully tackle your shoulds is to take them all the way through these three words. Should I? Could I? Would I? See if you want to, ask if you really can, then dig down deep to find out if you are actually willing to do what it takes. Once you get to the end, you will see progress in your heart, soul, and strength. You will be renewed with vision, empowered with ability, and focused on achieving what you desire with a willing heart.

I love to witness God's freedom in these areas of my life. It's a beautiful thing that He places desires on our hearts and makes our paths straight enough to follow them. Not every desire of our heart is good, but you can trust Him to guide you when you are seeking Him earnestly and diligently. He is loving, and He will not should you to death. After all, His burden is light, and His yolk is easy. So inspect that desire and be ready to more forward.

If you are up for a challenge, write down several shoulds you find yourself saying this week. I'll make my own list too. Go through them in the evening and see where you end up. Like any sort of list, it often feels fabulous to cross items off, and getting rid of all your shoulds will help you rest easier at night. I can't wait to hear how it goes for you!

Giveaway Time!

That's right, it's time for a giveaway! Homeschooling or not, you will want to devour this particular book, along with the hundreds of books listed. This post does contain affiliate links, which means I make a few cents if you click and buy. Thanks for contributing to my writing endeavors ;)

The book I'm going to tell you a little about is called Give Your Child the World by Jamie Martin.

I first saw this book popping up on various social media accounts early this summer. These posts came from people like my local Classical Conversations director, Sarah Mackenzie at Read Aloud Revival, other dear homeschooling moms, and even random friends on Facebook who simply have an interest in giving their children a more global experience. If you have any interest in bettering your children's education or experiencing another culture despite your inability to immerse yourself in it, this book is definitely for you!

Right away I knew I was going to love Jamie Martin. I actually didn't realize she was a homeschooling mom until later in the book, as she certainly does not boast in her methods of educating her children or even endorse homeschooling exclusively. You can tell she genuinely loves learning about the world and sharing it with her family every chance she gets. She speaks in the beginning about how Story enables us to set aside worry and immerse ourselves in the present, even if we are reading about the past. I don't know about you, but I need all the help I can get with laying down potential problems and enjoying present circumstances.

Story is a big part of how we learn, and Jamie talks about it frequently in Part 1 of her book. She gives really practical tips on how we can introduce other parts of the world to our children from the comforts of home. Food, home decor, international news, and child sponsorship are just a few of the ways we can dip our toes into the waters of learning about the globe. Jamie gives very tangible examples on how to do this, but doesn't stay there too long. She reminds us over and over again that knowing our world and the people in it are important, fulfilling, even life-giving tasks, and we can gain ground in doing so every day.

So what exactly is in the book you ask? Too much to list here!

First off, Jamie explains the importance of global learning and being immersed in story, then she separates many categories of books for us to browse. There are multi-cultural books, and then books according to their continent, all sectioned by age groups with descriptions and anything pertinent us parents should know before diving in or allowing our older children to do so alone.

Thanks to Jamie and her book, I have a giant list of books to get from the library, and we've read a few of her suggestions already! It was fun to see books I'd read as a teenager listed as well and remembering what I learned from the people in all those pages. I plan to look through these lists and pick out some books for my kids based on people and places we'll be learning about this school year. For us, that includes the middle-east, some of Asia, and a lot of historical figures from Europe. With Jamie's book, I'll be able to easily look at what books will suit our needs this school year, one continent and age-group at a time.

So, do you want your own copy yet? Good! Because I have one copy to give out to one of you lucky readers! You can give a big thanks to The Blythe Daniel Agency and The Blog Spot for contributing to this giveaway. I was already reading this book when they offered to let me post a review and give away a copy of this wonderful book at their expense.

There are only three simple rules to participate:

1- Go and follow Jamie Martin on Instagram.

2- Go and follow me on Instagram.

3- Comment on this blog-post and tell me what country you hope to learn more about or visit one day!

See? So easy!

Next Friday morning I will post the winner, so come back to see if it's you!

In the meantime, think about how you encounter other places everyday in your normal life at home. Where was your shirt made? What Historical person came up randomly in conversation and where did they live? Think about a time you experienced another part of the world and share that story with your children. Opportunity to see more of the world from home is hiding under mundane routines, but it's so accessible, and I love that Jamie and her book have helped me uncover it for myself and for my family. Happy learning, see you next week!

Should. Could. Would.

Should, could, would.

I use these words all the time without thinking about the implications.

"I should take the kids to the beach soon..."

"I could participate in that blog link-up..."

"I would come to your playdate..."

Do you say should, could, or would a lot? I use these three words probably a hundred times a week, maybe even a day. I've been thinking about them quite a bit lately, considering if they are appropriate or rather, a sign of dysfunction in my life. At first I couldn't quite figure out why these words were failing me and I didn't understand why I kept using them, despite them not being very helpful. My unhappiness with these pieces of my vocabulary has revealed several areas of my life I am discontent with, but using should, could, and would has never helped me actually do the things should, could, and would always seem to suggest. Rather, when these words encroach on my thoughts and sentences, I find myself doubting God's callings, doubting my convictions, and feeling bad about my life in general.

I use should, could, and would most when there is something I think I want to do, but feel unable to do it, whether it's because of a busy schedule, a conflict of interest, or a general lack of motivation. Sometimes my reasons are legitimate. If my kids and I have been out of the house for lunch three days in a row, it's highly unlikely I will feel up for a picnic at the park - this is my introverted coping mechanism. But other times, the reasons I give after saying should, could, or would are a response to not taking the time to focus on whatever task, event, or desire is in front of me. I am noticing that in taking time to consider more carefully what I should, could, or would do, I am rewarded with greater confidence in my actions and relief from guilt over what I am not doing.

What I want to do is take each of these words and look at what really lies behind how we use them, and talk about how we can navigate our thoughts, emotions, and actions to use proactive words instead of these passive, guilt-loaded words. In this first blog post, I'm going to talk about all three words together, what is not so great about them, and get you thinking about what your life can look like if you use them less. Each week I'll go deeper into one word and see what we can do to stop saying should, could, or would and start saying shall, can, and will.

When I first started thinking about these words, I was in the shower, where all good thoughts pop into my head and 99% of them never come to fruition. However, this idea stuck with me all day, and all through the week. I kept noticing how often I think "I should do this, but..." or "I would do that, but..." and then I spotted a trend. These thoughts I had and these phrases I kept saying were all wishes, or hopes, or desires based on vague ideas of what a grown woman should be doing with her life. They were all things happening in an imaginary realm, none of them being founded on a specific rule, command, or obligation.

Consider the idea that I should drink less coffee. This is not really an actionable statement, not something anyone had suggested as a solution to any problem, yet it was provoking a lot of guilt in me. I would randomly think about how my stomach didn't always do so well with too much espresso, how our budget would be more lovely with less trips to Starbucks, and how I'd have fewer reasons to argue with my children if I didn't drive up to that brown building with them in-tow, but the thought "I should drink less coffee" never went anywhere after that. It hung over me like a little black cloud, following me to that drive-through, torturing me without reason or relent.

All of these thoughts - the should's, could's, and would's - are all statements that invite guilt but offer no solution. I started to think if there was a way to really dissect what is behind each should, could, or would, I could find a way to stop these frustrating phrases from following me around. So, instead of leaving my could right there, I spent some time thinking it through and wrote it down.

Here is the potential that lies in each word, a way we can springboard from each passive word and live it for real.

Should becomes shall.

Could becomes can.

Would becomes will.

I will go ahead and apologize now, because this post will leave you hanging just a little bit. I cannot hash it all out in one blog post (and I'm not entirely sure I can do it in four) but I will let you know where I am headed. We can think about each should we say in a way to help us determine if that thought is worthy of becoming a shall. We can look at each we could that goes through our mind and decide if it's important enough to become a can. We can consider each would we think about and figure out if it needs to become a will.

If I look at why I should drink less coffee I can come up with some really good reasons. Then, I can decide if those reasons are legitimate, if they are a good enough reasons to make a change. When I decide "I shall drink less coffee" I no longer have guilt about what I should be doing, and it's kind of empowering to say it out loud. If you say it with a British accent then it's even more fun. But more importantly, when I get ready to determine if this should really needs to become shall, I see more clearly how important the idea actually is, and I can live more in line with my beliefs, my core values, and my current abilities. It gives me freedom to live in the now, as my authentic self, without any guilt.

Whether or not I drink less coffee may not be very important in the grand scheme of life, but living in freedom every day is. And this is what we all want right? Freedom to decide for ourselves whether we really should do something, and trusting that we are taking action when we know it is right and good.

I hope reading through all my thoughts and insights on these words will be as helpful for you as it has been for me. In a world where everyone wants our opinion, efforts, and attention, this can be a simple way to kill the guilt-monster lurking in your mind. Not only will it help you rid of needless guilt, but you will know yourself better, and trust God's prompting in your life more. Living in this kind of freedom takes effort every day, but hopefully these little insights and changes in thinking will help you win that battle with less effort, less defeat, and more victory.

Come back next week and we'll take a look at should together. I dare you to tally up how many times you say it this week! You might be surprised ;)

Finally Moving.

We are finally moving. I expected it to feel a little surreal at this point, since we've been in limbo for so long, but being in the new house this morning felt normal, and good.

The house is in NW Portland and is a short 10-15 minute joyride for my husband to work. Seriously, a joyride compared to the brutality of taking Highway 26 pretty much any hour of the day. He will not miss that.

We still don't have a definite plan for how and when to move all the beds and big furniture over, and the owners are having AC installed for us, so we're waiting to see when that will be done before we leave our cool 73 degrees over here. We have several weeks before we need to be out, so we're taking our time, packing with that in mind, and trying to navigate the children's emotions more intentionally.

I knew having an actual house to live in would help everyone feel more at peace, but I underestimated how much the uncertainty had been tainting our days. All of a sudden, I have the willpower, maybe even the desire, to be kind and loving to my husband. Our oldest child can suddenly speak politely to me when I ask him to do something. However, our middle child is still bit confused about when we will be living where and what we will be bringing with us - guess we will be working on our communication skills this year! Jovi is still Jovi, so nap times are rough and you never know what will set her off. But wow, what a difference it has made in everyone's mood to have the house situation more settled.

There are still areas of our lives immersed in uncertainty. We are still trying to figure out our homeschool plan with a local CC, I really want to keep going to my CrossFit gym but don't know if I can commit to the extra hour in my schedule to accommodate commuting there and back three days a week, and again, we don't know exactly when we will be sleeping in the new place. Cole is signed up for soccer (which we still don't have a practice schedule for) and we are communicating with a local league to get Asher signed up for football. I'll be looking into swimming lessons and other activities for the kids this year, attempting to be out of the house a little more and trying to give all the kids opportunities to try new things. I know September may be just as busy as August, but at least we have keys to a real house to live in. Whew!

I really want to write more about how uncertainty taints our days, steals our joy, and how we can fight against it, but I am just too tired today. My body is toast and my brain is mush. This short post is my form of taking action this week, to say that "I blogged", and at least share with all of you a few of the little details you have asked me about.

This summer has been an incredibly stretching time for all of us, but I can see how God has used it to teach me so many things. I feel able to handle more (though I don't plan on asking for that particular blessing), I have a little more courage, a little more tenacity, and a lot more understanding of myself. It baffles me to see God using all these crazy circumstances to show His tender, powerful love, and maybe that seems odd for you to hear, but I see it more clearly now than ever.

I'm seeing how there is opportunity to feel comfort in His presence, feel His vast greatness, and experience His infinite love every day, every place I go. I'm seeing how His Spirit permeates all places, and it is my stubborn, distracted heart that keeps me from receiving the gifts of His presence. For instance, driving along the freeway one day I was tempted to despair, to think only of all the problems I had, and the tasks I needed to accomplish, but a quiet request from my son for worship music initiated a time of beautiful closeness with God that I had not expected. How often do I miss those moments? How often could I feel His presence instead of occupying my mind with the problems in my life?

If all of our house-hunting troubles were nothing more than a tool to draw me closer to Him, it will definitely have been worth it. I would never have asked for it, and I don't particularly want to do it again, but it has strengthened me in a way I am taking great joy in. I am more settled with how He has made me and how He is working in me. I don't know that I've ever been so content with who I am becoming, which just further confirms that through uncertainty and difficulty, God works to give us peace in His plans. What a beautiful, unexpected blessing it has been.

Thank you for all your prayers and asking me about how we are doing. I'm happy to report a deep peace that is about more than just finding a place to live, but one that is dwelling in my heart more securely every day. And I pray you can find that peace in Him too.

Dealing with Disappointment.

We have had an unusual amount of disappointment the last few months. Thankfully, nothing we have experienced has been life-threatening, or even completely life-altering, but disappointment is one word that has encompassed our house-hunting since June.

My friend Heidi (the homeschooling, literature-pro, Khan Academy-introducing friend) shared something interesting at a speaker training session that resonated with me. She was actually sharing what someone else shared with her at a group event, telling us that most of our disappointment doesn't stem from our actual circumstances, but from our expectation of circumstances. She suggested that we build models in our minds of how we think our lives will be, or how our circumstances will turn out, and our disappointment usually stems from when those models get torn down, flipped upside-down, or even slightly altered.

Heidi gave the example of driving into a parking lot. Let's say you drive in and the only spot is in the back so you happily drive over there and park. Now, let's start over. This time, when you first enter the parking lot, there is an open spot in the middle, but as you approach, someone else beats you to it, taking your dearly beloved spot. Right away, you see another open spot near the back and park there begrudgingly, while dealing with a small heap of frustration and your less-than-pleasant attitude. Is this making sense? The same parking spot in the back of the parking lot was both welcome and despised in these situations. The difference was not in the location of the spot, but in your expectation, in the model you built in your mind which was quickly destroyed.

In all this house-hunting, Mark and I have built so many models. First, of a property outside of Beaverton, then maybe a large lot in Milwaukie. Hmm, back to Beaverton, maybe Tigard or Hillsboro, maybe a really nice home this time and we'll have less yard. Change of plans, let's look at Gladstone! Gosh, that didn't work out, maybe Tualatin might work instead. Yes! Offer accepted! We visit again two days later and let the kids enjoy the enormous back yard while hearing from the inspector that a large mortgage and a 30 year commitment might not be the best deal for endless list of needed repairs on this 20 year old house. You see where I am going with all this?

So many models, too many ideas of what our life might look like, and lots of destroyed visions along the way.

After many days of soul-searching, talking, praying, and more looking on the internet, we have decided to look at renting. Well, we did for several days, then we looked at homes for sale again, and came back to the idea of renting once more. Things are not turning out how we envisioned. We are not completely disheartened, because we know God's plans are best, even when they seem less than fun. And right now, we are only dealing with grief from the models we built in our hearts and minds, not with any real loss or tragedy.

As we've looked at many homes this week, we are trying to be less picky. We're only renting, so the yard doesn't need to be as big, the house as nice, or the layout as convenient, but it's still really hard to settle for all of it. It's tough to commit to living somewhere that is less than what we were hoping for. Unless we die, or unless Jesus comes back, this will not be the last place we live. I understand and I'm totally fine with living with less, but, I'm still finding it hard to jump in and say yes.

The idea of taking a "less than" house right now could feel like taking a step back in life, but it is here I am reminded that living with less, or even living with lower quality, is completely acceptable. In fact, we often see more of God's glory and kindness toward us when we have fewer earthly possessions. Living "the good life" is more than just having the next best thing or waiting for something more wonderful. Having a better house or a better car or a better job may never come. God does not promise a life that is blessed with an abundance of material goods, and in all of this house-hunting I am reminded that God's promises are not just for our lives on earth, but are ultimately eternal. While I do experience so many material blessings in my day-to-day life, they are not the end goal of my obedience to God, they are not something I place my hope in as I walk in faithfulness to His calling.

I know I am learning an incredible amount from all this back and forth. God is definitely strengthening my faith in His goodness and in His unknown plans. He is pushing me to trust Him despite external circumstances calling for me to figure things out apart from Him. I know my ways are not His ways, that my thoughts are not His thoughts. While Mark and I are nearly clueless about what this next year of our lives will look like, He is not. In fact, God has gone to seemingly extreme lengths to rapidly dash away all of our plans. It may not seem like this fact is worth rejoicing in, but I know I can. Why? God is giving evidence to us that He has a particular plan, still unknown to us, but particular enough to close door after door after door.

It would be easy for me to mope (and trust me, I have my moments), but it is more important that I make an effort to trust God's ways. It's important for my kids to see me hoping in God's plans even when they are wildly different than my own. It's important for my husband to come home to a wife who does not crumble when daydreams do not turn into reality, a wife who strives to align her heart with God rather than self. It's important for my friends to know that I am committed to a life of serving the Lord and not to chasing selfish ambition or material possession.

None of these things are easy to do, and unless I really know God, they would be impossible. His Spirit is faithful though, putting thoughts in my mind, planting true hope in my heart, and bringing friends and family alongside to support us along our trail of broken models. We may never have a "better" home, or a bigger yard, or an easier life, but with every dashed model lies a glimmer of hope, a vision of God's hands becoming more and more active in the direction of our lives. While our minds are still lacking a vision for His plan, we see him rolling up His sleeves, moving things around and preparing our circumstances more specifically. I have such hope in being part of His glorious plan, that these innumerable closed doors seem more like preparation than rejection.

This summer I am getting loads of practice in letting the models of the life I want be crushed when I discover that God has a model all His own. I am becoming willing to throw them out and think of them no more. I am getting better at asking myself questions like "If my model is not God's model, then what am I really after?" and thinking more deeply about where my desires are rooted. I see more opportunities to be active in my daily life and spend less time building models that are soon to be broken down and tossed aside. I have more time to sit before the Lord, study His word, and align my heart with the model He is building for my life.

So how about you? Do you build models? Which model in your life are you clinging to? Which one has been the hardest to let go?

I share all of these thoughts, ideas, and experiences for several reasons. I want to be honest, and keep you updated. I also want you to see some of my weakness, to understand the back-and-forth of our decision-making. But mostly, I want you to become brave enough to willingly strike down and destroy the models you have built that do not honor the Lord. Do you desire a life God does not have planned for you? Are you willing to trade your model for His? Even if you aren't, admitting this is not news to Him. He already knows. But allowing yourself room to be honest is a brave first step, one I know God desires.

I may never be a pro at building the same model in my heart that God desires for me. I may never easily set those models aside without God doing the work of tearing them down. But I do want to be more courageous in watching Him take apart my shallow dreams, trusting His all-knowing plans will be more than enough to fill my heart and my life with joy. Are you willing to give up your model-building for joy? For contentment? For a better marriage, or a more fruitful (but possibly less productive) life? I might not always be willing, but I am today, and now is always a good time to begin.

Reading and Writing.

I read an article last year that said reading does not necessarily make you a good writer. If this were the case we'd see a closer margin for how many kids per classroom excel in reading vs. writing. This article emphasized that it was being read to out loud and memorization of quality pieces of literature which bring us closer to the title of "excellent writer", not just plain old reading.

I agree, for the most part, but I also see in myself an ability to write with more ease and accuracy when I've simply been reading good books. I imagine the more I read, the better literature I read, and the more I commit certain passages to memory, the more my writing would improve. As I read good literature out loud to my children, I do see more improvement in my own vocabulary and ability to string together a better sentence, but alas, there are only so many hours in the day, and there are also so many dirty dishes and loads of laundry in my day.

Each day as I wade through what needs my attention and what can be set aside, I would almost always choose reading over dishes if I had no regard for my husband's time or his opinion of me. Oh yes, and my commitment to serve my family, let's not forget that. But really, I do spend a lot of time scrolling Instagram, checking for messages on Facebook, and browsing through Pinterest looking at beautiful homes, amazing color-schemes, and blossoming floral arrangements. Why? Why do I trade real work, profitable work, even work that is fun for me and helps me to reach my goals, for mindless scrolling and browsing?

Besides feeling more than frazzled some days, I recognize my desire for beautiful things. It's part of eternity and God's loveliness set on our hearts. There is joy in witnessing something amazing, something so lovely we fail to adequately express it to others. We get distracted looking for that beauty in all kinds of places and often forget to stay focused on the tasks piling up behind us. As I am doing now... I'd much rather talk about beautiful things than tell you about what I am attempting to do right now, which has little to do with beauty and more to do with commitment.

At SheSpeaks, one of my sessions was with a publisher from Zondervan and she said one of the best things we can do is to read every day and write every day. Blogs, news articles, and letters don't count as reading. It needs to be real literature; even self-help doesn't quite make the cut. Emails and text messages, no matter how long, don't really count as writing either. There needs to be a level of commitment to reading great work and releasing what is in your mind.

I actually read or heard this same advice from two other sources within the six days I was out of state. Once from a "real" writing book, and another time was from an autobiography. Funny how God does that.

So here I am, writing today, at 9:15pm PST. Better late than never, yes? While I certainly don't think I'll commit to writing every single day, I am taking baby steps to writing more often, even when my thoughts are not fully formed, when there is no moral, lesson, or specific devotional-type theme in my writing. Madelein L'engle talks about how writing comes from your hands as much as it comes from your brain, so I'm taking her word and practicing putting my thoughts onto my blog, trusting the process, and hoping for progress.

As my life is about to get a little crazy this coming month, I hope to stay on here in an effort to not only keep you all updated, but also to sort through my thoughts a little. It's easy to forget the intensity of God's calling when you get back home and into the seemingly mundane task of keeping a home and rearing children, but I think writing more frequently will help keep my vision and His calling fresh.

What is that calling you ask? Well, I'm not completely ready to reveal everything, and I'm also not completely sure what it will amount to. I will say that despite being a person who wears their emotions on their sleeve, I've been very hesitant to admit the desires of my heart. It's scary to say "I want to pursue X, Y, Z." and see what happens. Plus, I love to over-analyze, so I always need to leave a little room for that. But even after sorting out the differences between selfish ambition and a calling from God, I realize that I have been slow to truly admit what I want.

In Psalm 139, there's a point where David is asking God for revenge, then he switches gears and talks about God knowing his beginnings, his heart, his earnestness. I feel like this now, like I want to ask God for something but I am a little scared, not just about the future, but of pursuing something that is out of a sinful desire. I keep coming back to how David handled it and saying to God "You know me. You know better than I do if this is from a pure heart. You take this desire and grant it or replace this desire with righteous motives."

This is where I am today. Admitting to God what it is I want, putting forth effort to pursue it, and trusting God to steer me and my family as we make decisions. In my role as wife (and certainly not the bread-winner) this gets a bit more tricky. I trust God to move my husband, but I'm a little more ready to leap at new opportunities and plan out all the details right away, so balancing my desires to move forward and figure stuff out with following my husband's lead and trusting him to make decisions, is faith-building to say the least. But, I can write, and I can read, and I can spend time every day doing at least one or the other.

This is a form of pursuing excellence. Even when I cannot make big decisions right away about our living circumstances, I can make decisions about how I invest in myself. It's hard to wait, to sit back, and support my family without pushing them into my plans, but losing myself in a good book and putting my thoughts onto paper (well, a computer really), is a great way to keeping investing in this vision and taking steps into the person I want to become. And really, who ever regretted reading Anne of Green Gables instead of mopping? Definitely not me.