Brave in Ordinary Life.

I have never considered myself a brave person. I've been told I am a few times, but I suspect my inability to keep my mouth shut is often mistaken as bravery.

I know a woman who is truly brave. She did not feel brave when her husband left, when she was raising her biological son and three adopted children who had endured trauma and neglect during their formative years. She felt scared, abandoned, confused, and unsure. My friend trudged on, totally oblivious to the work God was doing in her. Yes, she knew He was probably doing something, but she was not exactly excited about the turns her life had taken. God was uprooting many years of trauma in her own life in order to reveal His loving kindness. 

I had the amazing pleasure of meeting her the day before her husband left, and then we became the closest of friends about a year later. During the next few years, her house was foreclosed on, her ex stopped seeing the children, one of her daughters went from troubled to out of control. She moved in with a family, who later turned their backs on her and asked her to leave. She left willingly, hoping God would provide for them yet again. He did, though it wasn't a magical, suddenly ideal type of circumstance. Her daughter continued to spiral down, suffering from trauma so deep she still cannot acknowledge her pain. Today this daughter is still unable distinguish truth from lies, both from the outside and within her own mind, and wreaks havoc on the family whenever she has the chance. 

Through abandonment, debt, trauma, medical emergencies, loss of friendships, rejection, and parenting woes, my dear friend has remained steadfast in one thing: she knows God is working. 

Like I said, my friend would never call herself brave, although can now see how what she did was brave, without knowing it then. Now she knows she is truly brave, and she is unstoppable. I cannot believe I get to be her friend.

I have another friend, one whom I've only actually seen in person for a total of nine days. Three of those days, she was just a stranger in a room and I didn't even know her name. Another three of those days, I was speaking at a small conference and she was in the crowd. We only realized on day six that we had met before. The last three days, she was speaking to me, training me and a room full of others on becoming a tutor through Classical Conversations.

Over the course of the last four months, she went from being a homeschool mom getting back into a routine after a Disneyland vacation, to a mother unsure if her young son would live through emergency surgery. She went from thinking about catching up on laundry, to wondering if her son would have permanent brain damage, then to wondering what that almost certain damage would do to his life, to her life, and to her family's life.

If that wasn't enough, her and her husband decided that another young man, who also had endured a traumatic brain injury and had no family to call his own, should become a member of their family. She went from having three wild boys, to having four wild boys, two who would have special needs for a while, and very possibly forever. 

She also might not call herself brave. But through her life, and especially through the last several months, she has demonstrated a desire to see what God is doing, even if it includes circumstances she would rather not endure. 

These women exemplify a type of bravery we can all benefit from. They did not go into the world, seeking to strive against all odds, against impossible circumstances, or chances of death. They woke up, encountered something they did not expect, and still looked to God. 

I've been listening to the book Girls With Swords by Lisa Bevere (per the recommendation of friend #1 mentioned above) and I am inspired to be brave. I'm not seeking a way to make a global impact, though I hope to, but rather, a way to be brave in the regular events in my day. Bevere says if we consider ourselves daughters of the King, we are in a battle, and we are under attack. There is no middle ground, she says, we are either fighting or captive. If we think we are neither, we are captives and don't even know it. Satan wants to destroy us, not necessarily for what we are doing today, but for what we will do, for the life we will live. 

Am I living a life so opposed to the devil's work that I am a target? I often think not, but I'm beginning to wonder if I don't give Satan enough credit for the ways he attempts to undermine my spirit. I see most of my struggles as problems within myself, issues with my personality, or bad habits I have allowed to sink into my daily life. Since listening to Bevere's words of wisdom and encouragement, I am starting to wonder if these thoughts I let in are actually a ploy to make me weak, to give me doubt, and to shut me up before I help someone else turn to God in their difficulty. 

I've been thinking about this every day. When one of my children blatantly disobeys, my first reaction is usually some sort of disappointment, then frustration, usually followed by questioning my own parenting abilities or sin issues. But wait. What if I decided to remain confident in the ways God has gifted me and pursue that child with love, investing my best into them? Is there any time where this would not be a better response? Is it really humility to question everything we do, or are we succumbing to a lie, thinking confidence is a quality Christians should disdain? 

I can feel this idea and God's truth changing my heart. When I spend time acknowledging the spiritual warfare I cannot see, I suddenly see my daily woes as tiny obstacles God is able to conquer. It becomes easy to turn to God and say "Let's do it!" I have strength do endure, a willingness to suffer, and a hope that enables me to sleep well at night. In fact, seeing the eternal battle won, knowing I have a place on the winning side, almost makes me laugh at what I often feel is so difficult. 

Will this attitude land me a life like Job's? Maybe. But wasn't it worth it for him? Wasn't God honored, Satan proved wrong, and people thousands of years later encouraged? 

What do you think a brave person looks like? In what areas of your life could you act more bravely? 

Whatever thing you think you need in order to be brave, turn to God and ask Him about it. In homeschooling, living without a loved one, being more cheerful towards your family, taking flack at work, or dealing with stress from unending needs of those around you, God wants you to be brave. He wants you to look toward Him, see your circumstance clearly, and find joy in the fact that He has won over all. Big or small, impossible or ordinary, we are brave by showing up, over and over again. Whether we enter these circumstances willingly or not, when we look to Him as our source of help, we are brave warriors, fighting for the Heaven we are guaranteed to possess! 

Don't wait for a good cause, or important issue to decide to be brave. Practice being brave every day by not letting Satan discourage you. God has redeemed you, fought for you, and won. Despise discouraging thoughts, and put your mind on what is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent, and worthy of praise. Pretty much, set your mind on God, for He is all of these things, and He will strengthen your small, brave heart. You will be astonished at the circumstances you endure and your faith will grow as you see God holding you through every amazing, catastrophic, or even every ordinary day.

Keeping Sight of What We Value.

Back and forth, doubting and problem-solving.

This is how I spend too many of my days. Sometimes, the problem-solving revolves around entertaining the two-year-old, and other days I have been to all the corners of my mind in an attempt to console my worried self about Math. Lately, something seems to rear its head once a week and demand the dark side of my mind to brood and fret until I've "got it all figured out." It feels impossible to find peace in all of it, especially when kids talk back, or the toddler is whiney. My thoughts race, never finding a finish line, and there are not enough books in the world or decadent coffees that fit in my meal-plan to put my heart and mind at ease. I find myself frustrated all day long until I land somewhere, on some solution, to make this homeschooling gig more like a ride in the park, and less like a battlefield. When I get this way I really need to get grounded, to come full-circle, and go back to the place I started in order to find peace.

During the last several years, I have done enormous amounts research, made countless observations, and talked endlessly with my husband and friends. I've read hundreds of articles and far too many many books about education. We've prayed in, out, around, and about numerous opportunities, and still we have decided to homeschool. This is what we know to be best for the kids right now. I've written before about the need to be grounded, to be convinced of the path you are on, but I still need to remind myself.

When explaining math concepts feels worse than cleaning nasty toilets, I have to take a step back, recognize what I value in life, and see how this affects all of us with our choice to school at home. When I question if my kids are missing anything in their rigorous Math studies, I have to take a deep breath and admit it... Math is not my highest priority. There are days when making progress in Math is priority number one, but overall, my kids becoming Math experts is not my life's goal. Maybe if one child emerges as a Math genius, and expresses a desire to become more proficient, it might become my second goal in their schooling. But our ultimate goal has always been, and always will be, to educate my children about God and the world He made.

This doesn't mean all my curriculum is overtly Christian. It does mean everything they learn can be traced back to how God made all things, and holds the world together. It doesn't mean we do specifically "Christian" activities every day. It does mean we look to God in prayer every day, and study His word together. It means we learn about the world with the underlying goal to know Him and make Him known.

There are times when this goal is easy to pursue. It pleases my heart beyond all measure to hear my seven-year-old ask me questions about people, places, or natural things with an interest in understanding God's work in all of it. I'm happy to explain over and over again the mysteries of God's love and care for us, how we see His detailed mind in enabling us to express the concrete world with numbers. It's wonderful to talk about His consistency in each morning's sunrise, and His wonder in how the planets spin and move. To have the time to explain how a flower seed grows and sprouts is a magnificent gift I want to keep and cherish.

I wish knowing God and making Him know was more solid in my heart, especially during difficult times, because hashing it out over and over again every few weeks is quite the mental workout. I allow too many distractions and hold up endeavors higher than they deserve to be held. I have to think back to my true goal often. This is why fellowship with others on the same path is crucial. The world will tell you this "religious agenda" is a waste of time, that this is folly, sheltering, and a poor use of resources. And if you are listening to them, your long-term goal will get buried in all the dirt, needing to be dug out again, week after week. You might even have Christian friends who encourage you to bury that lofty idea. But hang tight, weary mother. Find a bag to tuck that beauty into. Carry it with you always. Don't sit back and simply compose arguments to fight on its behalf, but rather, secure the truth of God's word into your heart and mind. Allow His sovereign plans to bring peace to your soul. Trust in His ability to accomplish more than you could ever hope or dream.

Ephesians 3:30-21 says "Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen."

Don't let Math woes, sibling drama, discouragement in your weaknesses, or worry of the future rob you of knowing the great power God is willing to display in your life and your children's lives. It takes a lot of bravery to sacrifice your life, against what others suggest, and educate your children. If you are seeking to see God glorified, and willing to call on Him in all your struggles, He will do far more than you can imagine. The way He will show Himself through your life is not something you are guaranteed to see in your lifetime, so it will require your expectant faith and hopeful diligence. Don't lose heart!

Instead, pray. And while you pray, get a teensy bit practical too. Recently, I encouraged you to start reaching out to friends, inviting a person to coffee or tea, and writing an encouraging note. Now let's take it another step further:

This time, find three women who will help shape this homeschooling journey of yours.

Find one woman ahead of you on your journey, who can enlighten and encourage you. She probably needs encouragement too, but she can offer you advice from hindsight, motivation, and more. In turn, you will be giving her hope for future generations, encouragement that her work has not been in vain, and confirmation of her calling.

Find one woman in the same place as you. Have dessert together, read books together, and pray for each other as you let your children develop friendships around learning, God's word, and childhood adventure.

Lastly, find a woman further behind you. Don't go to her assuming she admires you, or needs your advice. Go to her with a genuine interest in knowing her better. She will be encouraged to see she is not alone, and feel blessed gaining from your personal investment in her life. Recommend books, give a listening ear, and be a safe person in which she can confide.

I need to work on being invested in these kinds of women in my life too. I have a few of these relationships, but I'm not always intentional about serving them or reaching out to them. I suspect I would feel a lot better giving of myself in this way, even if I never receive anything in return.

So this week, instead of doubting your calling, or being frustrated at the cost, cling to God's promise of abundant, eternal glory and seek out women to share it with. If bringing God glory through your homeschooling is not already a part of your plan, I highly recommend it ;) You will not regret playing a part in this plan. In fact, I would never have survived this long without committing to it! Your children will reap the benefits, as will those who see your commitment.

When you have discouraging days, pull out that pearl of great beauty, that hope which obliterates other temporal goals or ideas. See God's love in providing you a reason to look to Him, even if that reason is tears and errors on a Math worksheet. He can make all things lovely, and turns ashes into beauty every day. Let today be another day where those ashes bring clarity to your vision. Teaching Math has an expiration date, but seeing God's beautiful purpose in our struggles is perpetually more rewarding the more we turn aside to see it.

It can be embarrassing to admit our how our struggles and failures have actually brought forth goodness. It feels lousy to look at our trials and confess that we didn't know best, that it was not the end of the world, and then show how it all worked out for the better. But the more often we do this, the easier it will be. In fact, we should invite every opportunity to clearly see our values proved worthy before our eyes. It may seem scary, like admitting defeat, or succumbing to failure, but every time we see God's goodness displayed in our lives is actually a time for rejoicing. If we truly value knowing God, it doesn't matter what path leads us there. Seeing and savoring Christ will be worth suffering the greatest defeat... even if it's in Math.

Oh Sickness.

The sickness I've endured this winter has outworn its welcome.

The first few years Mark and I were married I never got a cold. Not once! I would brag about my immune system anytime illness was brought up. To be fair, I did have my share of stomach illnesses, but colds, bronchitis, allergies, I was definitely too good for all that.

This year, that story has changed. Thankfully, I've had far fewer stomach bugs, but I am on cold number four since November. Nine days, going on ten, if I don't wake up miraculously well tomorrow.

My kids have been so sweet. Cole has written me several cards, saying things like "I'm sorry you're sick" and "I hope you feel better." Sometimes after a coughing bout, he'll look at me sadly, almost with tears in his eyes, and say "I'm sorry you aren't feeling well mom." What a sweetheart!

But honestly, I'm not sure what else to say. I'm sick. I'd love to sleep more than a couple hours in a row. I'd love to fall asleep without coughing for an hour first. I'd love for my head to stop hurting, my nose to stop running, and to generally feel excited to be alive. But we pretty much always have wishes about life, right?

If nothing else, this illness is a reminder of those suffering illness far more permanent - or fatal - than what I have been dealing with this week. I am reminded that God does not promise me good health, and this has helped me be a tad more patient with my kids. I don't have the energy to respond as quickly or fiercely to their fighting or whining, and I see how most of our situations still turn out completely fine at the end of the day. Through all this sickness, I am also reminded that one day, I will never have to feel this way again, to feel exhausted beyond all means.

I was telling my husband how I've almost forgotten what it feels like to feel good. Honestly, my brain can't even go there. But can you imagine forgetting pain? Being so gloriously happy, full of energy, fulfilled so deep in your soul that you literally enjoy every single second more than you've enjoyed even one second before? Me neither. But it is our promise, dear Christian. Isn't that wild? Totally unfathomable!

The closest I get to imagining this is a scene from the movie Prince Caspian. Near the beginning, the children are whisked away to Narnia again, but this time, they are on the ocean shores, on a gloriously sunny day. The music, the lighting, the freedom and fun the children experience, makes me long for that day. To be able to put off every awful thing, every dreadful feeling, every sad memory and bask eternally in the light of God is something I can only imagine. My human mind cannot comprehend the magnitude of that gift. The tiniest glimpse of that future leaves me sad I am not able to see it today. I'm sure if I could really grasp it, if I could truly understand how amazing of a gift it is, I would live differently.

I am trying to remember these truths and not to despair in this temporary sickness.

"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing to the glory that is to be revealed to us."(Romans 8:17) and "For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison" (2 Corinthians 4:17). Paul was the expert on suffering, and he did so willingly! My illness is far from suffering willingly, but his strength in the hope of God's promises enables me to endure my temporary affliction.

But please do pray for me! I still want to be well, to take care of my family and give them my best. I hope you can relate to the weight of what it feels like to be sick for longer than you thought was possible. But don't stop there. Let those feelings and thoughts make you pursue knowing God more deeply, to rely on His promises more. In the midst of it, let it remind you to reach out to others whose suffering exceeds your own. We've all been down the road of illness, some further than others, and we can all walk alongside one another to find hope in more than just feeling better tomorrow. I hope that's what I get, but thank goodness God has more for me than just that!

My Encouragement to Encourage.

Ever find yourself browsing Facebook or Instagram, feeling like you are looking for something, but you're not exactly sure what? You open the app, scroll down, think about the people or places you see, tame your jealousy over your friend's amazing vacation, get to the point you last left off, close the app, and feel like something is missing? Or worse, find yourself even more cranky afterwards? I find myself doing this several times a day, despite never finding what my heart really needs.

I am pretty confident I go to these social media outlets looking for confirmation of the way I am living my life. I have a secret hope to receive some form of validation from someone I admire, telling me I am doing a good job, that my work is important, or that I am a special person, with a unique calling. Sometimes I see an encouraging word or hear from a dear friend, but mostly, I leave this time of browsing feeling empty, allowing Facebook to tell me I am not actually important.

It's easy to blame friends and family when dealing with these feelings, to think they are not living up to their role, to think they have neglected to let me know I am valuable. However, it's unreasonable to blame people for not doing the same exact things I am not doing. I cannot look at everyone else, see how they fail to encourage those around them, then fail to encourage those around me. I often grieve the lack of a mentor in my life, feeling disappointed that many of the older women today are not investing in the younger generation. I ask my friend "Where are all the 45 year old moms with high school kids? Why do I feel like they are all too busy for me?" and we chat about our opinions of how it is driven by our economy, World War II, or maybe even feminism. We concede that this doesn't all stem from one event or problem, and she always reminds me "We cannot let our disappointment in a lack of a mentor keep us from being that mentor to someone else."

My friend is right! But it is hard to follow through on this. It's hard to be a supportive friend when you feel unsupported. It's challenging to sacrifice for your family when you feel like they don't sacrifice as much for you. It's hard to devote time to your children when it feels like their demands are ever increasing. While all of these statements are true, it doesn't mean these things cannot be done. It's also very possible you have friends who feel the same way, dear ones who are struggling to serve others because they don't get the help they desire.

We all need more encouragement, but we can't keep sitting around, waiting for someone else to do it. This is where I am going to challenge you, and myself, to take the first step. My husband challenged me in this, after complaining about feeling some angst in a friendship. He said if I spent some time praying for her, my heart would soften to be more gracious, and I would start to truly desire to see her do well, instead of just looking at what I wanted her to do for me. Then, four days later, I read the same advice in a book on friendship. Coincidence? I think not! So, here is what I am going to do, and I hope you will do it with me.

1. Look at several of my friendships that seems a little stale, where I might have some general complaints or hopes for becoming deeper, and pick one lovely friend.

2. Pray for this woman every day this week. Pray for her circumstances, pray for her heart, pray for our friendship, pray for God's Spirit to move in both of us to love each other better.

3. Text or call said friend in an attempt to get together. Ask to get together for coffee, dessert, play-date with the kids, or even having the entire family over for dinner.

4. Write an encouraging letter. Not an email, not a text, nor a Facebook message, but a real, hand-written note. Use a meaningful card, a hand-painted note-card, or even just an ordinary, boring piece of paper. Everyone loves to get mail and practicing writing out encouragement to others will bless my heart as well.

Seems easy, right? But how often do we do this? I obviously don't because I have a drawer filled with unused blank note-cards. But I am going to make it a priority to do this more often. Plus, I will take any excuse to buy more cute stationary. See? I bought some already :)

The last couple years I have wrestled to understand why women's relationships are so complicated, why so many of us simply cannot or will not get along. I have actually had a fairly easy time with other women, and no one usually explodes suddenly at me, but I often feel alone, like my friendships could be better, deeper, and more satisfying. While I don't have a clear-cut solution, I believe these four steps will improve any relationship we have. Any effort spent on understanding your friend's circumstances or knowing more about the her will encourage both of you and will probably leave her feeling genuinely thankful to know you. Don't do this in an attempt to make people like you, but truly turn your heart to God, to your friend, and seek to see how God is using your friendship to shape you for His eternal purposes.

I am going to be doing this each week. I might slip in a few other letters or cards to random friends too, just to practice encouraging others and spread the love. If we put forth effort to fill each other with God's love and His Word, we will all find ourselves a little more filled up, with less desire to find encouragement in places where little exists. You might even find yourself browsing Facebook less and caring more for the other women in your life.

Hebrews 3:13 says "Exhort one another every day, as long as it is called "today," that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin."

It is so good for us to give each other words from God. Not words on what we hear God telling our friends to do or not do, but words about who they are in Christ. Let's give our friends words affirming their pursuit of holiness, service, excellence, and greater faith. In doing this, we keep each other from sin, we strengthen each other for the tasks ahead, and grow in our love for one another.

So make your list! Choose one friend this week. Pray for her every day. Pray for her family, reach out to her, and make time for her. Trust in God's work and know your efforts will not be in vain.

The book on friendship I mentioned is called A Friend in Me by Pamela Havey Lau. I met her at a recent writer's connection meeting and she is simply lovely. Her desire to have women grow in their relationships was evident as she spoke. Her vulnerability and willingness to share her experiences just confirms how she lives out what she encourages other women to do. I hope you'll buy her book and take her compassionate advice to heart.

Lastly, tell me how it goes for you! I want to know who you reached out to, who responded, and what you saw from the whole experience. I will be checking in, so do your homework and get ready to allow God to add His blessings to your labor.

Ordinary Days.

Homeschooling is filled with ever so many uneventful days. This is often a great blessing, but can also cause some of us moms to daydream about grand days, bustling with success and fulfillment. With this in mind, I'll give you the rundown of a "normal" day for me. This is not a day filled with impossible obstacles, nor a day filled with numerous monotonous chores. This day is like many others; ordinary.



Morning:

My husband usually gets up a little before me, and does a large part of the breakfast routine, depending on which kids got up first. He makes coffee while helping the kids get cereal, toast, juice and yogurt. I usually help a little too, making smoothies for any who is in the mood, but mostly for myself.

After breakfast, the kids are supposed to go get dressed and brush teeth. This usually involves lots of thumping, laughing, arguing, and several demands from the littlest one. On this morning, we decide to hit up the library and coffee shop before we go to the store. The boys each take 15 minutes to do some Khan Academy while I read my bible and try to down my smoothie.

Once we've gotten dressed, gathered books, tied shoes and packed a snack, we pile into the car and try to find a parking space near the library. Our favorite coffee shop is only a block from the Library and on a Tuesday morning, parking is not usually the stressful endeavor parking in Portland tends to be. We walk down to the library to discover they aren't open! Why do I always forget they open so late? Off to the coffee shop to kill 20 minutes. The kids find a deck of cards and "play poker" while I order drinks. Lots of white chocolate and whipped cream went on, which all but one child thoroughly enjoyed :)

Back down to the library. The kids race down the block & shout back "It's closed!". What? That's weird, it's 10:03am. I look at the door, realize it's only Tuesday, and the library doesn't actually open until noon today. Oh well. Plot twist. Off we go to Target!

Dollar section, paper section, kitchen section, and groceries. Despite me saying no a few times about looking at toys, the kids do fairly well. Whew! Back in the parking lot, I finally make my six-year-old hang onto the cart because he is consistently, completely unable to stay within 15 feet of me while walking to the car, or really anywhere we go. I can't say I really enjoy saying "Cole, come closer to me please!", and I can't say it has actually changed his behavior. Oh well, no energy to deal with that for the moment.

We use the 20 min drive home to torture ourselves. The two-year-old has a new wand, which makes magical sounds. The six-year-old has a new balloon thing, shaped like a Ninja Turtle head, which he blows up and enters his world of pretend. His imagination is all narrated at a lovely volume, with lots of karate type of sounds. The seven-year-old wants to blast Owl City. After letting all of this be, and convincing people to keep to themselves, I just drive, wide-eyed, and do my best to not think about the chaos.

Afternoon:

Unload groceries, make lunch, read while I diffuse arguments and discontentments at the table. Soon, I put Jovi down for a nap. Despite being a terrible sleeper for most of her life, she actually goes down for naps and bedtime pretty easily; the problem is staying asleep.
We hop right into reading for Cole, spelling for Asher and then some read aloud time reading from our History book. The goal is always to get in some schooling and some down-time for me before Jovi wakes up. Today's workload is pretty light, and thanks to Khan Academy, I can work on reading with one child while the other does math mostly independently. Yesterday we had almost three hours to do all this! Such a blessing. Today, a little more than one hour will have to do. And, as usual, Thumbelina is requested right when I ask my girl how she slept. I don't feel like dealing with tears, yelling, two-year-old despair, and the like, so we concede and laugh at the high level of cheesy-love involved in this movie.

Honestly, I have no idea what happens between 4pm-5pm most days. I think I typically either catch up on emails, scroll Instagram, read articles, or stare off into space and wonder if life will always feel so ordinary but so difficult. The kids go outside for a bit, get muddy, then find ways to get into arguments around the house every 15 minutes.

Evening:

Around 5-ish, I start making dinner. Usually I can get the kids to read (while earning stars for TV time), color or entertain Jovi in her room. My husband, Mark, is usually home just before 6pm and we try to enjoy this time together. We talk with the kids, catch up on each other's days, talk about future plans, manage the chaos level at the table (again) and just generally try to keep our spirits and energy high for a few more hours.

After dinner, the boys often get to play soccer on the Play Station 3 with Mark, or some nights, they play together while Mark manages the kitchen for me. Jovi will often go downstairs to visit and read books or play games with Mark's parents (they have their own living space in the basement level). I either do dishes, sneak off to read a book, or contemplate the purpose of my existence on a couch. Most the time, I ignore the children and read a book, like every mom needs to do every once in a while. I just do this a little too often. I mean, I aspire to be a "real" writer someday, so it's more like homework, right?

Once the kiddos are in bed around 8pm, my husband and I chit chat, watch a movie, or do work-related things. Tonight, he works on an app for a company he's involved with on the side, and I work on fulfilling a small jewelry order. I decide to put on an audio training or two from Compel and listen while I work (and my husband endures or ignores this all rather well while he works). It's easy to get distracted or inspired, so I make a few other necklaces too. I want to go to the gym early tomorrow, so I finish up and turn in at about 10pm.

I'm learning to dread these simple days less. There is still room to impact the world on these uneventful days, inexplicably filled with chaos. We are made up of a million experiences, and the impact my joy will have on my children is more than I can ever fathom. From all of this, what I really want you to know is you are not alone. Millions of people are living life, enduring boring days, then doing it again tomorrow. Our days can be mind-numbing, exhausting, boring, enlightening, filled with grief, or filled with joy, and God uses them all. It's impossible to know what they are all for or how they can possibly be used to produce holy fruit, but each one gives you the opportunity to see something beautiful. If you can find that beauty, pass it onto your kids, and show them who has made it beautiful, this is something to be treasured! Don't pass it up.

When you feel like your life is too boring, too uneventful, or too normal to really impact God's kingdom, turn to God for peace and assurance. Our place before Him is not determined by how lively or important our days seem. There is an entire realm of activity we cannot see, a universe of spiritual warfare we cannot understand, and Satan would love for us to feel meaningless, useless, or too simple to be important. But those are all lies. Your persistent faith in service will do more good in that war than a one-time, awe-inducing, flash-in-the-pan type of adventure. Keep going, keep pursuing Him, and show your children you will never stop trusting God's faithfulness in your beautiful, but possibly monotonous, life

Romans 8 always gives me confidence in God. Read it, and let this give you courage and joy. He desires to give joy and hope in what He has already provided, and what He will provide for us in eternity. It will be worth it!

Romans 8:31-39 says:

"What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His won Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things? Who shall bring a charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. Who is he who condemns? It is Christ who died, and furthermore is also risen, who is even at the right hand of God, who also makes intercession for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? As it is written:

'For your sake we are killed all day long;

We are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.'

Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

All the events going on in these verses seem grand, powerful, and important, but they apply to us "regular moms" too. Don't let anyone tell you a simple, boring, ordinary life is less worthwhile, less impactful, or less important. Keeping your hope in God's love for you while living in constant exhaustion-inducing monotony is a challenge worth rising up to. Be willing to do anything, to go anywhere, to sacrifice anything, or pursue anything in the name of Christ, but don't be ashamed if that calling is serving the smallest member of your household. As Jesus says in Matthew 35, "Assuredly, I say unto you, in as much as you did it to one of the least of these, my brethren, you did it to me." This will have a reward you will not want to miss! Chin up.

Homeschooling When Service is Not Your Gift

It's no secret; service is not my greatest strength. It doesn't matter what setting I am in, it almost never crosses my mind to jump up and serve. I can be at a pot-luck, with kids at a social event, or with family at a party and everyone else around me may be helping in some way while I am sitting around chit-chatting. During the first several years of our marriage, I cannot tell you how many times I went to a family event and, after the meal, I would be the only woman in the room not washing dishes, or clearing plates, or helping children. My husband's family is well-gifted (and practiced) in service, and also in manners, so it took me a while to notice this weakness of mine.

I can't recall anyone ever telling me I was bad at serving. When I am serving, I do it well, and try not to complain, but I am not naturally drawn to most forms of service. On every single strengths survey I have ever taken, service has come up as my lowest scoring trait. Always! Teaching is usually somewhere near the top, which lends itself well to homeschooling. Knowledge, or rather, the desire to learn, and ambition, are often some of my top strengths as well. While these are wonderful traits to have when you desire to educate your children at home and have high hopes of changing the world, service is absolutely necessary too. In fact, if you cannot serve joyfully and continually, this homeschooling gig will be a struggle. And too often I despair in the weight of this struggle.

There are so many parts of homeschooling I love. Seeing my children learn to read, being with them as their minds understand a difficult or new math concept, guiding them to make connections between historical people and places they have seen on a map - these are all experiences I would hate to miss. Watching them grow in their knowledge is exciting, invigorating, and confirmation of this path we are walking. However, offering my time endlessly, while doing dishes, and helping my children learn manners, and social etiquette, while also taking them to the library, the rock museum, the park and more, might be a task better suited for those who love to serve.

Does this mean I should give up? Resign to put them in a more formal school setting? I don't think so, not yet at least.

To accomplish these tasks I will have to learn, practice, and ask for help with the skill of service. The Lord has been so gracious in helping me endure for this long, but I can feel myself starting to crumble under the pressure. All these service-related tasks in my day feel like heavy obligations. When other tasks begin to appear during my week, like nursery duty, a big project, or hosting people in my home, I feel the quick tingle of adrenaline hit my heart and try to take deep breaths.

To many people, these tasks are simply expected, a normal part of life. But for me, they feel like an eternity of doing things I am terrible at, or running a marathon when I can barely jog an entire mile. Before I begin my enormous list of service-related tasks, I am already despairing, looking to when I might be able to find a free half-hour to read. When I arrive at my free half-hour, I am tired, exhausted, and then despair over how short half an hour is. This is when I curl up on the couch and tire myself out by thinking endlessly about what I can possibly do to rid myself of serving so much.

If you are gifted in service, this might seem pretty comical. I assure you I am only being slightly dramatic. In one sense, I cannot help what my brain naturally does with all of these challenging tasks. It just goes, and goes, and continues going down that path of weariness and dread for a long time. But, I can make valiant efforts to keep my brain from traveling too far down that road.

The simplest trick I use to help me jump into a service-related task is to start without thinking too much. When I jump off the couch and announce "Cole, time for spelling!" and simply get to it, I am more quickly rewarded with being finished (duh, right?)! Plus, I've reached a rewarding milestone for where my strengths lie; accomplishing an important task. I get to cross spelling off my well-planned homeschool calendar, and I don't have to think about it anymore. The "undone" doesn't haunt me the rest of the day. Yes, I still spent a chunk of time and energy serving, but I also got to taste the rewarding fruit from it.

I can see God working on me in this area of being able to serve without hating life by helping give me some wisdom in how my curriculum choices affect our days. You already know I am a control-freak, but I'm finally becoming willing to give some things up. For instance, Math. No, I am not giving up the subject entirely, but I am beginning to let Khan Academy teach for me in order to preserve my serving time for other tasks in need of my effort. I would prefer to be hyper-involved in leading the kids in their math progress, but that is becoming an expensive trade-off. With the time and effort Saxon requires, I consistently have less patience and less time to read books, take walks, or create art with all three kiddos. I have less time overall to manage my home, and less flexibility to leave my home when math is still calling. I will admit, I am a little nervous the boys might "miss something" when I am not the person leading every skill introduction, but I am attempting to trust God, trust the process, and give up some control for a better home life.

Homeschooling is definitely primarily a service-oriented job. I need to come to terms with this. Despite my reluctancy, this year I can see myself slowly growing in this area. I have no problem with the other aspects of homeschooling more suited to my gifting and this gives me some hope. I can research curriculum and plan our entire year, then come away feeling ready for that marathon. I can talk to person after person, sharing all the ins and outs of classical education, Charlotte Mason, beautiful books, and wonderful adventures, leaving each conversation ready to engage in another. Sharing and learning fuel me for life! Understanding the importance of service, and letting that deeply impact me in a way that leads to revitalization in my soul, eh, that is hard work. Work I cannot do by myself. Work I desperately need God to do in my heart.

Giving up my preferences is the first step in letting God direct my heart toward service. I have to look at our home life and let that guide my curriculum choices a little more. I need to look at my kids' emotional responses to my frustration and let that motivate me to be patient and kind. I'm not exactly sure what else I need to do, but mostly, I need to be open to change. Both change in our daily life and God changing my heart and mind. Change is always hard, but it is also one of the few things guaranteed in our daily life. Circumstances, prices, jobs, cars, friends, health, houses; everything will change at some point.

Changing often feels a bit like admitting I was wrong. Like if I change my curriculum, I am saying "Oops, I guess I shouldn't have done that!" but this is not true. It's okay to change, to see the benefit of learning from what you were doing and then to be excited for what you will be doing. It is better to change with cheerful expectancy than glum remorse. It's also okay to spend the majority of your day serving, doing menial tasks, and possibly feeling like your accomplishments are small. Small does not mean unimportant, and important is made up of many small things, no matter what field, industry, or task you are involved in.

Homeschooling against and despite your weaknesses is a sharpening, challenging task. But it isn't impossible. And you will see fruit in it. If you are feeling discouraged, find the root. See that challenge or problem for what it is worth and look honestly at what is does to your family. Making homeschooling less discouraging will probably mean some type of change; in your heart, in your obligations, in your curriculum, in some way. And if you make that change out of love and sincerity, it will bless everyone involved. Even if you are not incredibly excited about said change, but go into it looking for the goodness it will bring, you will be blessed and grateful for it too.

If nothing else, when you feel discouraged about how hard serving your family feels, know I am right there with you! And then email me, or text me, and remind me we won't feel this way forever.

Giving Meaning.

I have been in a funk off and on the past month. Maybe it's been more like the better part of a year. I get like this every so often and sometimes it takes me a while to get back to "normal". Whatever that really means.

Early in our marriage, these funk days were pretty problematic. My husband wanted to help by getting me out of the house, but I wanted to sleep all day.  He wanted to go have fun, but I wanted to sit and figure everything out. Eventually, I realized a lot of these "funk" days were just bad days. The type of days where you wake up in a mood and nothing can lift you out. I learned to hang on, wait out the sad feelings, try to forget the swirling thoughts, and not make any important decisions until a few days later, when I felt a bit more stable. This often works pretty well for me, at least, it did until I had several children!

While homeschooling kids, a funk day is a recipe for disaster. I try to make these days good for the kids, but sometimes I totally lose my cool. Then I live with the regret, the analyzing of every decision I've ever made, and then try to repent and apologize for my bad behavior, all while also trying not to actually admit I have a problem.

This problem has been cropping up in weird places lately. For instance, I used to love taking naps. When my second son was a baby, I took four or five naps each week until he was 18 months old. 18 months! After having my daughter two and a half years ago, I've taken about ten naps total. And most have been on the couch while she watched Frozen or Thumbelina. Part of this is because I literally do not have time to nap, but another part is the insane guilt I feel about sleeping when there are other things I could be getting done. It doesn't matter what those things are - folding laundry, washing dishes, making jewelry, reading books, working out - I cannot stand the idea of forfeiting an important activity to catch up on a little sleep.

I've been having the same problem at bedtime. How can I go to bed at 9:30pm when I could potentially get another hour of reading in, or online training, more earrings made, or folding laundry? Okay, maybe not the laundry.

Every day I have this burning desire, or sometimes a weighty obligation, to cram in as much meaningful, productive, important activity into my day as possible. The more items I check off my list, the better I feel. But lately, I am still going to bed with this strange uneasiness, even on my best days. I'm still frustrated, disappointed, feeling unaccomplished, still longing, but I can never really put my finger on why.

Finally, the other night, I had an epiphany: I keep looking at my day, for whatever I accomplish or achieve, to give meaning to my life, to make my activities and efforts worthwhile and important. I see how my kids act, how clean my house is, and how my meal plan is coming along (don't worry, it's not) and then at 11pm I try to convince myself I lived a day worth living. And it's not working. I mean, I've known it hasn't been working, but I've been stuffing that suspicion down for a while. The other night, I finally nailed down this problem.

I don't give my life meaning. God gives my life meaning. His work, His timing, His agenda. Not me, not my kids, not my efforts, or personal accomplishments. It's so simple, it feels a little crazy! But if I can manage to turn to Him and say "There it is. There's my day. Thank you for letting me live it. I cannot wait to see what you do with it." then I can go to bed, resting fully in His promise to redeem my life and I can finally sleep well, sleep happily. And I will wake up happy. Or at least not filled with dread. It's a heavy burden to try and make my homeschooling, stay-at-home life be meaningful. I know it's a blessing to my kids and husband, but it often feels small and unimportant in the grand scheme of life.

My kids' lives will be meaningful, because God makes them meaningful. My efforts to give my kids a fun dessert will be meaningful, because God makes meaning out of my service. Instead of trying to figure out what is the best possible way to make my time meaningful for those around me, I can tune into God, see the gifts of His beauty all around me, and enjoy it! The most wonderful part about this is how He often takes tiny, unexpected things, and makes them immensely meaningful for the unsuspecting person. How awesome is that? It doesn't rely on me! I just have to show up with a willing heart. I've been incredibly independent and controlling since I was pretty small, so it's weird I haven't figured this out before. My desire to control meaning, to control what makes my life valuable, actually inhibits me from enjoying the life God has given me. I mean, my husband has told me this maybe 1,000 times, more or less, but I feel like I am finally seeing how it practically works out in my day. I hope this is a helpful insight I can to pass along to those of you experiencing the same dread I was navigating.

Do you plan activities based on how important you think they will be for your kids? Do you go on adventures with a grand plan for how your family will remember the day? Do you pick out books for them to read, hoping they love it as much as you, then are unable to shake the disappointment when it doesn't work out how you hoped? Our hopes for a meaningful, important life are normal. But, they are set in the wrong places. Our God is bigger than an activity, an adventure, or a book. He is everywhere, working in everything, and you don't have to plan one second of it. Yes, you should plan dinner, and maybe some fun family outings, but you don't have to consider or carry the burden of how meaningful they will be. There is no level of performance necessary for God to use any particular moment to shape your child's life.

Let's take a little pressure and self-reliance off our plates. It will be good for our souls. And it will be healthy for our families as well. Of course, I'm still working this all out in my family, but I don't doubt God. I know trusting Him for an outcome is always a safer bet than trusting myself. He has already given us more than we realize, more than we can ever take advantage of. So expect a little more from Him, yet again. Hand Him that plate of meaning. Let Him show you what all those goodies are and how they were made. It might require you to wait, to trust in Him more, but it'll also allow you to enjoy the time you spend waiting to see what else He has concocted for you. This makes tomorrow way more exciting. Heck, it might even make Mondays really good too!

Last thought, and a mostly related verse to remind you of what we have in Christ:

"He who did not spare his own son but gave him up for us all; 

how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?" 

Romans 8:32

God gave you the very best gift while you were His enemy. Now, as part of his team, He alone will give your life, your efforts, and your sacrifices meaning. Give it all to Him.