It's almost here!
On Thursday I'm flying solo across the country to attend a Speaking & Writing conference! Ummm, that's a little crazy, considering how much of an amateur I am, or at least feel like I am. I haven't really been nervous yet, but over the weekend my mom was asking me more questions about it and the gravity of this expedition is sinking in. Lately I've actually been more nervous thinking about all the clothes I need to pack and figuring out if all my outfits (highly planned and coordinated) will actually fit in a carry-on. But overall, I feel really calm compared to my usual self.
I can't tell if I am just incredibly relaxed and happily content, or if I am totally deceiving myself and will be a basket-case in a couple days. I am definitely excited, a tiny bit nervous, and trying to figure out what books and notebooks I should bring. I'm also preparing a five-minute devotional I will give with a small group of women I've already met via email. God totally provided an interesting topic through so many different avenues there was no possible way for me to ignore it. Don't worry, I'll write it all up to post on the blog soon, possibly mid-flight.
I've been blessed by how many of my friends and family have expressed their excitement for me. Some of them seem more excited than I am! I've spent a lot of my time bouncing between two drastically different hypothetical situations. I keep feeling scared that the women there might be shallow, speaking only in cliches and vague ideas about being a "good Christian" or fearing that all of them will be light-years beyond me in knowledge, experience and ability, causing me to feel like this was a giant waste of time and money. I'm sure it will be somewhere between those two different imaginary happenings and I look forward to all the thinking, observing, and then attempting to put everything in my head into real, comprehendible language.
I have no idea what I will come away with, but I am especially excited for the session about presenting yourself as a professional speaker, and for the special lunch session for Compel members with Lysa Terkeurst. There are also some other homeschool moms I am hoping to meet up with the first morning - I'm praying at least a couple of them will be women I can connect with more long-term.
Overall, I'm most nervous about who I will sit with and the possibility of people not talking to me. I definitely feel more extroverted when I am without my children, so I am guessing neither of those things will be a major problem. Even if I sit alone a good portion of the time, I'm sure I will still be gleaning so much from all the speakers that I won't have time to dwell on it. And really, maybe it's silly to be nervous about such a minor thing, but it's a deep insecurity I have, and something I am trying to overcome by trusting in God's goodness and love for me.
How can you pray for me? Oh, thanks for asking ;) Pray for my husband home alone with the kids! Then, pray I feel God's presence there. I truly want to know Him more and get better at sharing His love and power to those around me. If that means pursuing writing and speaking more purposefully, then I want to go for it! But if I need to keep working diligently at becoming a better writer here on my blog and only pursuing the speaking stuff here-and-there as opportunities arrive, then I want to be content with that too. Either way, I want to get better at being purposeful with my time and intentional with my words, whether they are spoken or written, here on my blog, or in my text conversations, or in person with loved ones day-to-day.
Thanks for all your encouragement and excitement for this week of my life! I will write again soon and fill you in on all our house stuff too. Praying you see God's love and care in your life today.
Tuesday, July 19, 2016
Sunday, July 10, 2016
Pondering Home.
Good news, we sold our house!
This has been both a celebration and a source of stress. As I’m doing my best to trust God’s plans and stay a little distracted, I’ve found myself dissecting my thoughts. I keep wondering why this feels so hard. Is it just because it’s change? Or because we are unsure what city we’ll actually be moving to? I think there’s an eternal current under all of this, which can be a powerful reminder of hope and stability if I can keep it in mind.
As I stood in my kitchen one morning, looking at my lovely countertops, I felt sad that I would no longer be standing right there, fixing coffee or cereal or smoothies in the mornings. Someone else will be there, with their decor, their stuff, their routines. I’m not typically very sentimental about physical objects or places, so I just kept on thinking, trying to figure out where these intense feelings of loss were coming from.
While looking at 20+ houses over the last few weeks, while in homes that we liked (or even loved) I envisioned myself there, saw what my kids would be doing, or planned out what kinds of parties and events we would be having there. It was easy, and I didn’t think twice about not being in our current home. The sadness was dissipated, replaced by my excitement, adding a little anxiety about my to-do list, and awakening a hope for new memories and adventures.
You see, when there is some sort of “next”, we can at least guess about what will happen, and when we can rely on at least parts of it being good, we can leave despair behind and move forward with less fear. Without a “next”, we can only look on what was, leaving too much room for a giant hole of nothingness, impossible to fill with any real situation. Some of us are better at daydreaming that others, but sooner or later that daydream is shattered and we will be left looking for a place to rest where there is only a question mark.
In case you haven't tried it, resting in a question mark is impossible. Apart from trusting in God, you either cannot do it or you fool yourself and are actually trusting in something else. It’s like standing. You either stand somewhere or you don’t. If you are not standing, you are sitting, lying down, or moving in some sort of direction. So when your house sells, and you have not one single idea where you will be in 45 days, it’s like standing, but with no floor. The same feeling of falling will sometimes flutter in my chest as I think about how unknown all of this is, but that’s where God’s promises have kept me from despair, from questioning more than I should, or worrying when I should be sleeping.
I may not know what happens next, but I know what happens last. Someday, I will never have to worry about where I will live. Actually, I don’t even have to worry now, but it’s hard to stop thinking about everything that is going on in my life today. When I really consider the promise of having my eternity taken care of, my sin not holding me back, and my circumstances never being insurmountable or frightening, my breathing becomes slow, deep, and full of peace. My cares about the size of the kitchen, the state of the bathroom sink, or how much painting I will be doing seem more like exciting gifts and less like reasons to be crabby.
Ultimately, it doesn’t really matter where I will be in 45 days or 45 years. Many people look only to what they will gain during their life on earth, but ignoring impending death does not ensure life. It scares me to see how many friends of mine think life just ends, or if they don’t really believe that, they don’t think or talk about what will happen the day they die.
Just like I’m not disappearing from my house into nothing, your soul does not just disappear into nothing. I am going somewhere else. Your soul is going somewhere else. Do you know where? Do you care? Do you want to be sure?
It’s difficult for me not to obsess and cry and despair over these thoughts, about the loss of life that will occur at the end of your flesh, at the end of so many people’s time on earth. It is the promise of my soul going somewhere more delightful than my favorite daydream, more perfect than my best day, that enables me to function in all the unknown. I can sell my house and know that even in the worst-case-scenario, I’ll still be fine. Not because of my resilience, or my circumstance, or any kind of special blessing, but because Jesus has taken care of everything for me. He did it before I knew I would need it, before I was willing to admit I needed it. And He gives me glimpses every day of the fulfilling joy I will obtain when every earthly fear is shattered forever.
So there you have it, part of my brain on paper, I mean, computer ;) And now you know my struggle these days. Looking, hoping, being tempted to despair and being reminded again of God’s promise for me: a place with Him in eternity. If that is not glorious to us, the problem lies in our hearts, not in the value of Him. And if you don’t know what will happen when you die, I beg you to start thinking. Please don’t despair, but don’t be fooled into thinking a good life on earth is all there is to hope for. I may seem busy and in the midst of moving, but I am not too busy to talk about eternity… I could do that forever. So think away, ask away, and start searching for eternal peace instead of temporary happiness.
Friday, June 24, 2016
Stroganoff!!!
I know this is a "homeschooling blog", but homeschooling moms need to make dinner, and I am convinced this recipe will add some loveliness to your evening.
I am not even joking, this recipe is a MUST-HAVE in your regular routine. My husband actually found this recipe last summer when I was speaking at Practicum. When I got home and tasted his concoction I was floored. I don't think I've cooked many dishes this good, and if I ever open a restaurant (which is less likely than me becoming a model), this would make the cut. Take a look, then come back and read my alterations, because there are many.
First off, I just use ground beef. I cook one pound, then set it aside in a bowl.
I don't use shallots. Not for any particular reason, I just never seem to remember to buy any. I usually chop up half of a white onion.
Half the time, I forget to buy mushrooms! The recipe works fine without them, you just cook the onion (or shallots if you remember) and then hop straight to adding the broth. This time, I had a small package of white mushrooms hanging out in the fridge, so I just chopped them up and it still turned out stupendous.
Sometimes I don't have a can of beef broth, so I just make two cups of broth using the cubed bullion and water from my insta-hot and try to pour in about 14oz.
I never have cognac in my cupboard, in fact, I have never had cognac in my cupboard. I have no idea what it tastes like, though I have probably had it in one of those delicious fancy drinks I love to get on date nights. I just use red wine, because I almost always have a bottle in the wings or currently opened (then I usually poor myself a glass to drink off until dinner time). I like 13 Hands' Cabernet Sauvignon - so divine!
I have never even tasted creme fraîche, but my French-grown husband says it is amazing. I've used either half n half (though less of it), heavy whipping cream, or last night I used sour cream with a couple teaspoons of sugar on top.
Now that I have confessed how I don't actually follow over half the recipe, I will also confess that I have never eaten or served this recipe over noodles. Mark made it with mashed potatoes the first time and it was so amazing that I have just stuck with it. I don't regret it one bit!
I also do not follow a recipe for said mashed potatoes. I just peel four to six potatoes, slice them into sixths, boil starting with cold, salted water, and let them stay at boiling for about 15-17 minutes. Once strained, I add potatoes, about five Tbsp of butter, maybe 1/3 milk or half n half, a bunch of salt, pepper, onion powder and garlic powder into a bowl, then voila! Beat, serve, die from deliciousness.
Usually, I make roasted brussel sprouts with bacon for this meal, but it is super difficult to get the timing down for all the components. Broccoli was easier and everyone still enjoyed it. Every time I make this, I eat until I cannot eat another single bite. It's a little bit of work (especially if you do mashed potatoes instead of noodles) but it is worth the effort.
Let me know if you try it! I know I never regret making a mess of my kitchen with this meal. Bonus: the kids love it too!
I am not even joking, this recipe is a MUST-HAVE in your regular routine. My husband actually found this recipe last summer when I was speaking at Practicum. When I got home and tasted his concoction I was floored. I don't think I've cooked many dishes this good, and if I ever open a restaurant (which is less likely than me becoming a model), this would make the cut. Take a look, then come back and read my alterations, because there are many.
First off, I just use ground beef. I cook one pound, then set it aside in a bowl.
I don't use shallots. Not for any particular reason, I just never seem to remember to buy any. I usually chop up half of a white onion.
Half the time, I forget to buy mushrooms! The recipe works fine without them, you just cook the onion (or shallots if you remember) and then hop straight to adding the broth. This time, I had a small package of white mushrooms hanging out in the fridge, so I just chopped them up and it still turned out stupendous.
Sometimes I don't have a can of beef broth, so I just make two cups of broth using the cubed bullion and water from my insta-hot and try to pour in about 14oz.
I never have cognac in my cupboard, in fact, I have never had cognac in my cupboard. I have no idea what it tastes like, though I have probably had it in one of those delicious fancy drinks I love to get on date nights. I just use red wine, because I almost always have a bottle in the wings or currently opened (then I usually poor myself a glass to drink off until dinner time). I like 13 Hands' Cabernet Sauvignon - so divine!
I have never even tasted creme fraîche, but my French-grown husband says it is amazing. I've used either half n half (though less of it), heavy whipping cream, or last night I used sour cream with a couple teaspoons of sugar on top.
Now that I have confessed how I don't actually follow over half the recipe, I will also confess that I have never eaten or served this recipe over noodles. Mark made it with mashed potatoes the first time and it was so amazing that I have just stuck with it. I don't regret it one bit!
I also do not follow a recipe for said mashed potatoes. I just peel four to six potatoes, slice them into sixths, boil starting with cold, salted water, and let them stay at boiling for about 15-17 minutes. Once strained, I add potatoes, about five Tbsp of butter, maybe 1/3 milk or half n half, a bunch of salt, pepper, onion powder and garlic powder into a bowl, then voila! Beat, serve, die from deliciousness.
Usually, I make roasted brussel sprouts with bacon for this meal, but it is super difficult to get the timing down for all the components. Broccoli was easier and everyone still enjoyed it. Every time I make this, I eat until I cannot eat another single bite. It's a little bit of work (especially if you do mashed potatoes instead of noodles) but it is worth the effort.
Let me know if you try it! I know I never regret making a mess of my kitchen with this meal. Bonus: the kids love it too!
Wednesday, June 15, 2016
Summer Hiatus, Sort Of.
Hello there! Been a while, right?
We've had a few interesting weeks around here. I will update you on all the news and let you know how the summer will look for my blog.
I have had a rough couple of weeks in my own mind. I hate to even say "I struggle with depression" because what happens in my mind is not what I imagined depression to be like, but I'm starting to see that I do struggle with some sort of depression. It isn't completely debilitating, but I get sad, and a little too into my own head, making it hard to function sometimes. I over-think, I feel tired and exhausted, frustrated at things in my life and things not pertaining to my life, then I get mad about my thoughts feeling so heavy and crippling. It's a weird cycle, and it's really hard to break.
I'm not on any medication, and I don't know if I will ever be. Whenever I feel myself spiraling I start thinking about the question of finding help medically. Is it bad? Not necessarily. Do I need it? Again, not necessarily. Would it be helpful? Maybe. So when do I decide to take action? How bad do I need to feel in order to seek out help? Is there honor in struggling through when there is no real danger? How much does my family need to see me struggle and fight to find joy in the life God has given me? Or would they benefit from just having me be more "happy" on a regular basis? Then I keep asking myself these questions over and over again.
I've always been a bit melancholic, so all the questioning and deep thinking has been the norm for me since I can remember. I hope by writing about this struggle, you can see an example of what depression might look like, that you might give me grace when my writing gets a little "heady" or pessimistic, and that you would pray for me when you my words are few and sparse.
Another reason I have been a little absent the last few weeks is that we have decided to sell our house!
Last summer, we put the house on the market for 30 days thinking if it sold we would move, but if not, we'd stick around for another year. It didn't sell, so we stuck around. Early this April my husband and I said we'd still stick around for another year, and possibly buy-out my in-laws if they were ready to get out of the city. After a month of praying and talking together, we decided we weren't ready to take on such a big financial burden to stay in a place we don't love, and Mark's parents are pretty well done with city life too. So here we go, listing the house and waiting for it to sell.
We had open houses this past weekend, and I'm really hopeful this hot market will give us a quick, painless sale. The last three weeks I've been packing and cleaning like a mad-woman. It's so good we finished our schoolwork early, and that I am not speaking at practicum this summer. I will still be attending practicum for CC next week, as I'll be a tutor in Milwaukie again next year, so June is kind of a crazy month.
I am doing something super awesome in July though, and I am SO excited! I am going to a Speaking/Writing conference called SheSpeaks where I will be getting my heart, soul, and mind filled with all sorts of wisdom, advice and practical help with fulfilling my dream of writing and speaking. It's in North Carolina, and since my husband is amazing (and since it was only $100 difference) I'm flying over to Boston for a few days afterwards to visit my big sister! I've never seen the Atlantic Ocean before, or really any of the states or historic sites on the East Coast, so to say I'm really looking forward to it is a giant understatement.
I hope to write and tell you all about SheSpeaks and my trip to Boston both during my time there and shortly after, but no promises on that timeline ;) I might be packing and viewing houses like a crazy person. But I do hope to spend a good chunk of time this summer plotting and planning some more for this blog. I'd love your input too! Do you want me to talk more directly about homeschooling? Or do you prefer more general topics about life, parenting and learning overall? Any certain subjects you want to see my brain tackle? I have a bunch of my own ideas, but I really want to be able to share and write about topics that interest you!
So there you have it. That's my life right now. If you want to see pictures and other updates, follow me on instagram @jojococamo
Hope you are having a fabulous summer!
We've had a few interesting weeks around here. I will update you on all the news and let you know how the summer will look for my blog.
I have had a rough couple of weeks in my own mind. I hate to even say "I struggle with depression" because what happens in my mind is not what I imagined depression to be like, but I'm starting to see that I do struggle with some sort of depression. It isn't completely debilitating, but I get sad, and a little too into my own head, making it hard to function sometimes. I over-think, I feel tired and exhausted, frustrated at things in my life and things not pertaining to my life, then I get mad about my thoughts feeling so heavy and crippling. It's a weird cycle, and it's really hard to break.
I'm not on any medication, and I don't know if I will ever be. Whenever I feel myself spiraling I start thinking about the question of finding help medically. Is it bad? Not necessarily. Do I need it? Again, not necessarily. Would it be helpful? Maybe. So when do I decide to take action? How bad do I need to feel in order to seek out help? Is there honor in struggling through when there is no real danger? How much does my family need to see me struggle and fight to find joy in the life God has given me? Or would they benefit from just having me be more "happy" on a regular basis? Then I keep asking myself these questions over and over again.
I've always been a bit melancholic, so all the questioning and deep thinking has been the norm for me since I can remember. I hope by writing about this struggle, you can see an example of what depression might look like, that you might give me grace when my writing gets a little "heady" or pessimistic, and that you would pray for me when you my words are few and sparse.
Another reason I have been a little absent the last few weeks is that we have decided to sell our house!
Last summer, we put the house on the market for 30 days thinking if it sold we would move, but if not, we'd stick around for another year. It didn't sell, so we stuck around. Early this April my husband and I said we'd still stick around for another year, and possibly buy-out my in-laws if they were ready to get out of the city. After a month of praying and talking together, we decided we weren't ready to take on such a big financial burden to stay in a place we don't love, and Mark's parents are pretty well done with city life too. So here we go, listing the house and waiting for it to sell.
We had open houses this past weekend, and I'm really hopeful this hot market will give us a quick, painless sale. The last three weeks I've been packing and cleaning like a mad-woman. It's so good we finished our schoolwork early, and that I am not speaking at practicum this summer. I will still be attending practicum for CC next week, as I'll be a tutor in Milwaukie again next year, so June is kind of a crazy month.
I am doing something super awesome in July though, and I am SO excited! I am going to a Speaking/Writing conference called SheSpeaks where I will be getting my heart, soul, and mind filled with all sorts of wisdom, advice and practical help with fulfilling my dream of writing and speaking. It's in North Carolina, and since my husband is amazing (and since it was only $100 difference) I'm flying over to Boston for a few days afterwards to visit my big sister! I've never seen the Atlantic Ocean before, or really any of the states or historic sites on the East Coast, so to say I'm really looking forward to it is a giant understatement.
I hope to write and tell you all about SheSpeaks and my trip to Boston both during my time there and shortly after, but no promises on that timeline ;) I might be packing and viewing houses like a crazy person. But I do hope to spend a good chunk of time this summer plotting and planning some more for this blog. I'd love your input too! Do you want me to talk more directly about homeschooling? Or do you prefer more general topics about life, parenting and learning overall? Any certain subjects you want to see my brain tackle? I have a bunch of my own ideas, but I really want to be able to share and write about topics that interest you!
So there you have it. That's my life right now. If you want to see pictures and other updates, follow me on instagram @jojococamo
Hope you are having a fabulous summer!
Tuesday, May 24, 2016
Turning Failure into Faith.
Growing up I was naturally athletic, fairly artistic, and overly ambitious. These traits have been part of me as long as I can remember. In school this meant I was often the "teacher's pet" and I did fairly well in most subjects and activities. In my late teens however, I started to see a problem crop up more and more: I was nearly incapable at handling the frustrations of being bad at something.
I took a beginner's piano course in college. I had played the trumpet in Elementary school and for a while in Jr. High, then I had done choir for six years afterwards, so I figured adding piano to my list of accomplishments would be a fairly easy task. Nope. It definitely wasn't.
I wasn't terrible, but I knew I'd never be considered gifted or excellent. I started slacking when it came to practicing and skipping a few classes here and there. By the end of the semester I was horribly behind on my hours and the fear of failing this class threatened me daily. The last two weeks I spent an absurd number of frustrating hours in the piano lab, attempting to log enough practice hours to earn a C. It worked, just barely. Never again, I thought, No more piano.
I didn't think about it much at the time, but I definitely avoided activities with potential for failure after my piano experience. I called it "Sticking with what I'm good at". A year or so later, my husband called it "avoiding what you're bad at".
Playing tennis brought out these same frustrations. I was naturally athletic, and probably pretty good for a beginner, but I knew I could never commit myself to becoming excellent at Tennis. It killed me! I hated it. I hated losing, I hated practicing knowing I was still going to stink, and I hated the irrational feelings that followed my attempts at playing.
Somehow, I had equated being excellent at an activity with being a worthwhile person, with being liked by others, or valued by leaders. In all my learning years, I was generally valued for my talents, accomplishments, or good behavior. Coaches were thrilled to have an ambitious, talented athlete on their team. Teachers loved my eagerness to learn and do what is right. Leaders at church appreciated my attentiveness and desire to know God better. But very few of them showed their appreciation for me in just being myself, uniquely created by God.
I know it's natural for adults to notice those who are excelling, to see and encourage those who have potential and desire success, but for me, this perpetuated my deep need to be excellent at everything I do. My personal bent in this area continues to create a lot of insecurity, striving, and anxiety in my daily life. It is partially how I am wired, but our culture also supports the idea that we create value in ourselves by being particularly excellent at something interesting and important. I have to intentionally undo this desire to be known for my achievements by focusing on God's excellent desires. None of us will find lasting fulfillment in accomplishment and success alone. God has something much bigger and much better for us.
He wants to show His love for me and move me to freely give His love to others. Through Jesus He has declared me righteous and He wants me to point others toward His glorious gift. He gives me peace in all circumstances and wants me to offer peace to all I encounter.
The list goes on: obedience, kindness, mercy, sacrifice, praise, patience. There are endless ways we experience and show the love of God, and enjoying the excellent achievements He gives us is only one of the ways we encounter Him. When I despair in my failed attempts, I act like God's goodness is unavailable in places where I am not perfect. When I do my best then wallow in worry over the outcome, I treat God's plans as untrustworthy. When I lack confidence in my talents for fear of what others will think, I treat God's intentional design of my life like a careless toss of the dice.
God is the farthest thing from unavailable, untrustworthy or careless. He has better plans for us after this life than anything we can achieve during our life on earth. And we have opportunity to participate in God's plans here on earth every day, in simple, easy ways.
When we love people despite their weakness, we give them God's love. When we recognize others' patience, we are evidence to them that God sees their efforts. When we encourage a person during a time of failure, we prove to them God's ability to meet them where they are. When we notice a small, special part of someone, we give them evidence of God's creative spark in their soul.
There are endless ways to give God to others, and to see Him in our lives. Like I said earlier, being excellent at something impressive is just one thing, only one way to see Him working in our lives. Being a dependable friend or persisting in doing good are tangible ways to be excellent at showing God to world around us. Being kind to your children and finding the good in hard situations are beautiful gifts to those around us. Bringing peace to your family and providing for tangible needs of those around you are enduring, fruit-bearing sacrifices.
Do not despise the little things. Do not strive after only big things. Do not let being excellent at one thing define your worth. Do not be discouraged with failure and closed doors. Put aside your desire for obtaining a great name, and desire instead to obtain fulfillment in Christ. Don't set your heart on finding fulfillment in what you can achieve in this life. Set your heart on God's plans for you to live a life of praising Him rather than seeking praise for yourself. Treasure the ways God is preparing you for eternal joy. Hope in what comes after this life is done. Only then will your failures feel small and insignificant. See what God sees in you, and search for what only He can reveal.
"Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Matthew 6:19-20
If all of this makes sense, but you cannot get your heart to agree, you are not alone. I am right there with you. It is still good for you to set your mind to the task. It's a wonderful opportunity to practice humility and admit you cannot do it yourself. Wait for God to change your heart and be willing to take the step forward, obeying even if your heart is not enthusiastic. He is good to us, and He will pull you in. He will not leave you in despair forever. Your ability to excitedly chase after God may come and go, but it does not make the prize any less wonderful. Go for it anyway. Walking, running, crawling, or inching, it's all still forward motion.
I took a beginner's piano course in college. I had played the trumpet in Elementary school and for a while in Jr. High, then I had done choir for six years afterwards, so I figured adding piano to my list of accomplishments would be a fairly easy task. Nope. It definitely wasn't.
I wasn't terrible, but I knew I'd never be considered gifted or excellent. I started slacking when it came to practicing and skipping a few classes here and there. By the end of the semester I was horribly behind on my hours and the fear of failing this class threatened me daily. The last two weeks I spent an absurd number of frustrating hours in the piano lab, attempting to log enough practice hours to earn a C. It worked, just barely. Never again, I thought, No more piano.
I didn't think about it much at the time, but I definitely avoided activities with potential for failure after my piano experience. I called it "Sticking with what I'm good at". A year or so later, my husband called it "avoiding what you're bad at".
Playing tennis brought out these same frustrations. I was naturally athletic, and probably pretty good for a beginner, but I knew I could never commit myself to becoming excellent at Tennis. It killed me! I hated it. I hated losing, I hated practicing knowing I was still going to stink, and I hated the irrational feelings that followed my attempts at playing.
Somehow, I had equated being excellent at an activity with being a worthwhile person, with being liked by others, or valued by leaders. In all my learning years, I was generally valued for my talents, accomplishments, or good behavior. Coaches were thrilled to have an ambitious, talented athlete on their team. Teachers loved my eagerness to learn and do what is right. Leaders at church appreciated my attentiveness and desire to know God better. But very few of them showed their appreciation for me in just being myself, uniquely created by God.
I know it's natural for adults to notice those who are excelling, to see and encourage those who have potential and desire success, but for me, this perpetuated my deep need to be excellent at everything I do. My personal bent in this area continues to create a lot of insecurity, striving, and anxiety in my daily life. It is partially how I am wired, but our culture also supports the idea that we create value in ourselves by being particularly excellent at something interesting and important. I have to intentionally undo this desire to be known for my achievements by focusing on God's excellent desires. None of us will find lasting fulfillment in accomplishment and success alone. God has something much bigger and much better for us.
He wants to show His love for me and move me to freely give His love to others. Through Jesus He has declared me righteous and He wants me to point others toward His glorious gift. He gives me peace in all circumstances and wants me to offer peace to all I encounter.
The list goes on: obedience, kindness, mercy, sacrifice, praise, patience. There are endless ways we experience and show the love of God, and enjoying the excellent achievements He gives us is only one of the ways we encounter Him. When I despair in my failed attempts, I act like God's goodness is unavailable in places where I am not perfect. When I do my best then wallow in worry over the outcome, I treat God's plans as untrustworthy. When I lack confidence in my talents for fear of what others will think, I treat God's intentional design of my life like a careless toss of the dice.
God is the farthest thing from unavailable, untrustworthy or careless. He has better plans for us after this life than anything we can achieve during our life on earth. And we have opportunity to participate in God's plans here on earth every day, in simple, easy ways.
When we love people despite their weakness, we give them God's love. When we recognize others' patience, we are evidence to them that God sees their efforts. When we encourage a person during a time of failure, we prove to them God's ability to meet them where they are. When we notice a small, special part of someone, we give them evidence of God's creative spark in their soul.
There are endless ways to give God to others, and to see Him in our lives. Like I said earlier, being excellent at something impressive is just one thing, only one way to see Him working in our lives. Being a dependable friend or persisting in doing good are tangible ways to be excellent at showing God to world around us. Being kind to your children and finding the good in hard situations are beautiful gifts to those around us. Bringing peace to your family and providing for tangible needs of those around you are enduring, fruit-bearing sacrifices.
Do not despise the little things. Do not strive after only big things. Do not let being excellent at one thing define your worth. Do not be discouraged with failure and closed doors. Put aside your desire for obtaining a great name, and desire instead to obtain fulfillment in Christ. Don't set your heart on finding fulfillment in what you can achieve in this life. Set your heart on God's plans for you to live a life of praising Him rather than seeking praise for yourself. Treasure the ways God is preparing you for eternal joy. Hope in what comes after this life is done. Only then will your failures feel small and insignificant. See what God sees in you, and search for what only He can reveal.
"Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Matthew 6:19-20
If all of this makes sense, but you cannot get your heart to agree, you are not alone. I am right there with you. It is still good for you to set your mind to the task. It's a wonderful opportunity to practice humility and admit you cannot do it yourself. Wait for God to change your heart and be willing to take the step forward, obeying even if your heart is not enthusiastic. He is good to us, and He will pull you in. He will not leave you in despair forever. Your ability to excitedly chase after God may come and go, but it does not make the prize any less wonderful. Go for it anyway. Walking, running, crawling, or inching, it's all still forward motion.
Friday, May 13, 2016
Mercy, Not Sacrifice.
I've been thinking about this quote from the bible in Matthew 9:13 a lot recently.
"Go and learn what this means 'I desire mercy, and not sacrifice.' For I came not to call the righteous, but sinners."
Jesus was eating with tax collectors and the like, when the Pharisees began to question His disciples about it. Jesus tells them to think about this idea; mercy, not sacrifice. He wants them to know He is out to save the lost, not those who consider themselves righteous.
Jesus also recites this phrase again in Matthew 12:7, telling the Pharisees that yes, it was lawful to pick grain to eat on the Sabbath based on this same idea; mercy, not sacrifice.
This original phrase is found in Hosea 6:6 and says "For I desire steadfast love and not sacrifice, the knowledge of God rather than burnt offerings."
God was speaking to His people, telling them that their sacrifices were in vain if they did not turn their hearts back to Him. Jesus used this with the Pharisees to tell them God desired their hearts, not their attempts at living righteously.
The reason I have been thinking about these verses and this idea is because of how quick I am to name my own sacrifices. I give up free time, I exert my energy on home-cooked meals (mostly), I spend hours reading and researching about how to educate my children, then I actually spend bunches of hours teaching them not just math, but also social skills, every other subject, and about God. I give up mid-day coffee dates with friends and I have to bring my kids with me almost everywhere I go. I make a lot of sacrifices in the name of raising my children well, and this verse always left me feeling like I must be missing something. I feel like it's becoming more clear in my mind how I have been misunderstanding what kind of sacrifice God wants.
God doesn't want me to simply sacrifice everything for my family, He wants me to have mercy toward them, to have steadfast love be my guiding force. When I honestly evaluate my actions and intentions, they are not usually guided by steadfast love. I've never been one to claim perseverance as a quality I possess, either physically or mentally, but I see God working in me more and more to gain some ground in it. And being merciful to children day after day, really requires the perseverance only God can give.
To help explain it better, you can see mercy defined as:
- compassionate or kindly forbearance shown toward an offender, an enemy, or other person in one's power.
- the disposition to be compassionate or forbearing.
- an act of kindness, compassion, or favor.
Having mercy toward children can sometimes feel like wussing out, or letting the kids win, but a deeper look has shown me that having mercy on someone is usually still sacrifice, just dressed in different clothing. For instance, when I am patient and speak kindly to a child who has disobeyed, I am giving up my desire to express anger. When I choose to kindly help a child who is frustrated, I am sacrificing my own frustration and energy. When I decide not to complain, I am giving up a selfish desire to have my troubles be known.
Is this sinking in? Can you see how it works out?
Mercy is not just letting a person get away with doing wrong, it's doling out kindness, deserved or not. It's not giving what the natural world gives, but offering something better. It's working toward restoration instead of only allowing consequences. Mercy is sacrificing what you think should happen, to let love reign.
The picture of Jesus giving us mercy instead of eternal death needs to be our example. I'm not saying my kids never suffer consequences, but I'm looking more deeply at my reactions and motivations, sorting out what is sacrifice in order to lift myself up (like the Pharisees) or mercy toward people who need Jesus too. Jesus didn't hold up His sacrifice toward others as His proof of love, He simply acted lovingly in everything He did.
This concept is changing how I homeschool, how I discipline, and how I think about the things I am willing or unwilling to sacrifice. If I am willing to give up a career at this stage of my kids' lives to better their futures, shouldn't I be willing to do so kindly? If not, something has been lost. It shows me how I have held up my sacrifice as proof of my desire to live righteously, but have not looked at what God actually wants from me.
Steadfast love. Mercy. Compassion.
These are what I need to be giving. I need to let go of frustration in order to give steadfast love. I have to give up anger if I want to dish out mercy. I must let go of my own standard of what my kids should be able to do in order to have compassion toward them. And trust me, it takes a lot of bravery and guts to swallow that pride in our sacrifice and admit we could stand to love better.
I hope this is helpful for all you weary moms, homeschoolers or not. You will feel a burden lifted when you let go of your sacrifices and hang on to God's mercy. It is truly endless. I know it might feel like defeat to set those burnt offerings down, but you have victory in Him. He'll give you countless days of blessing with your family when you decide to give them love, mercy, and compassion, instead of just sacrificing for them. And the best part, it's never too late to start!
"Go and learn what this means 'I desire mercy, and not sacrifice.' For I came not to call the righteous, but sinners."
Jesus was eating with tax collectors and the like, when the Pharisees began to question His disciples about it. Jesus tells them to think about this idea; mercy, not sacrifice. He wants them to know He is out to save the lost, not those who consider themselves righteous.
Jesus also recites this phrase again in Matthew 12:7, telling the Pharisees that yes, it was lawful to pick grain to eat on the Sabbath based on this same idea; mercy, not sacrifice.
This original phrase is found in Hosea 6:6 and says "For I desire steadfast love and not sacrifice, the knowledge of God rather than burnt offerings."
God was speaking to His people, telling them that their sacrifices were in vain if they did not turn their hearts back to Him. Jesus used this with the Pharisees to tell them God desired their hearts, not their attempts at living righteously.
The reason I have been thinking about these verses and this idea is because of how quick I am to name my own sacrifices. I give up free time, I exert my energy on home-cooked meals (mostly), I spend hours reading and researching about how to educate my children, then I actually spend bunches of hours teaching them not just math, but also social skills, every other subject, and about God. I give up mid-day coffee dates with friends and I have to bring my kids with me almost everywhere I go. I make a lot of sacrifices in the name of raising my children well, and this verse always left me feeling like I must be missing something. I feel like it's becoming more clear in my mind how I have been misunderstanding what kind of sacrifice God wants.
God doesn't want me to simply sacrifice everything for my family, He wants me to have mercy toward them, to have steadfast love be my guiding force. When I honestly evaluate my actions and intentions, they are not usually guided by steadfast love. I've never been one to claim perseverance as a quality I possess, either physically or mentally, but I see God working in me more and more to gain some ground in it. And being merciful to children day after day, really requires the perseverance only God can give.
To help explain it better, you can see mercy defined as:
- compassionate or kindly forbearance shown toward an offender, an enemy, or other person in one's power.
- the disposition to be compassionate or forbearing.
- an act of kindness, compassion, or favor.
Having mercy toward children can sometimes feel like wussing out, or letting the kids win, but a deeper look has shown me that having mercy on someone is usually still sacrifice, just dressed in different clothing. For instance, when I am patient and speak kindly to a child who has disobeyed, I am giving up my desire to express anger. When I choose to kindly help a child who is frustrated, I am sacrificing my own frustration and energy. When I decide not to complain, I am giving up a selfish desire to have my troubles be known.
Is this sinking in? Can you see how it works out?
Mercy is not just letting a person get away with doing wrong, it's doling out kindness, deserved or not. It's not giving what the natural world gives, but offering something better. It's working toward restoration instead of only allowing consequences. Mercy is sacrificing what you think should happen, to let love reign.
The picture of Jesus giving us mercy instead of eternal death needs to be our example. I'm not saying my kids never suffer consequences, but I'm looking more deeply at my reactions and motivations, sorting out what is sacrifice in order to lift myself up (like the Pharisees) or mercy toward people who need Jesus too. Jesus didn't hold up His sacrifice toward others as His proof of love, He simply acted lovingly in everything He did.
This concept is changing how I homeschool, how I discipline, and how I think about the things I am willing or unwilling to sacrifice. If I am willing to give up a career at this stage of my kids' lives to better their futures, shouldn't I be willing to do so kindly? If not, something has been lost. It shows me how I have held up my sacrifice as proof of my desire to live righteously, but have not looked at what God actually wants from me.
Steadfast love. Mercy. Compassion.
These are what I need to be giving. I need to let go of frustration in order to give steadfast love. I have to give up anger if I want to dish out mercy. I must let go of my own standard of what my kids should be able to do in order to have compassion toward them. And trust me, it takes a lot of bravery and guts to swallow that pride in our sacrifice and admit we could stand to love better.
I hope this is helpful for all you weary moms, homeschoolers or not. You will feel a burden lifted when you let go of your sacrifices and hang on to God's mercy. It is truly endless. I know it might feel like defeat to set those burnt offerings down, but you have victory in Him. He'll give you countless days of blessing with your family when you decide to give them love, mercy, and compassion, instead of just sacrificing for them. And the best part, it's never too late to start!
Friday, May 6, 2016
Getting Familiar.
I've been thinking a lot lately about becoming familiar with things: art, school, routes to places in town, music, routines, eating habits, and exercise. You've probably heard the quote "Familiarity breeds contempt", and while this quote is attributed to many different people throughout history, the oldest claim to author I could find was Aesop. I feel this way at times, begrudging the regular, familiar duties of life, but when I think more deeply about the idea of becoming familiar with something or someone, I see how familiarity breeds a level of comfort and happiness in my life.
My first lightbulb moment with this idea was on the flight back from Thailand after my first trip around to that side of the globe. I had been gone for 12 days and while I was tired and ready to be home, I didn't feel particularly homesick. I thoroughly enjoyed the food in Thailand, the friendliness of the people, and seeing all the lush, tropical greenery was an experience I will never forget. But still, the moment I started seeing golden oak trees, red maples, and leaves covering the autumn landscape of Washington, my heart was leaping without my consent or even the slightest encouragement. I kept saying "I don't know why, but seeing the landscape here just makes me so happy!".
I remember feeling really surprised at how a familiar landscape could incite such a response in my spirit. I do love the Fall, and each year seeing the leaves change colors brings me some level of excitement, but when you have a time of separation from familiar places or things, the thrilling rush of being reunited is even more intense.
I see this in our schooling all the time. Most recently, our kids studied George Frederick Handel and his composition Water Music during our time at CC. We colored a picture of Handel, talked about the orchestra, I shared about his life and where he lived, then we listened to the song a couple times. We took note of the repeating portions of the song, which instruments echoed other instruments, and chatted a little about what we imagined happening while the music played. Cole especially took to the music and easily remembered Handel's full name, as he has a stuffed cat named Frederick.
Fast-forward three weeks later to our opening session at CC. One of the other tutors came up front and demonstrated playing some music on her clarinet. She played a few small pieces, and before the third she said we might recognize the tune. As she began, Cole jumped from his chair and looked at me with huge eyes, bouncing, trying to still whisper but hardly containing himself, "Mom! It's Water Music by George Frederick Handel!" and continued to bounce his little bum on his chair until she finished the refrain.
I have never seen a kid so thrilled to hear Water Music. It was his familiarity with the music made it exciting! The same goes for art. During our Language Lessons this year we studied a piece by Andrew Wyeth called The Master Bedroom which featured a sleepy dog on a tidy bed. Several months later, we happened to be leaving Goodwill when Asher pointed out a picture. The same exact print, nicely framed (and nicely priced) was sitting on a bottom shelf! Of course we bought it, and now it sits as a lovely reminder of the way God has taken seemingly meaningless tasks in our homeschooling and brought excitement into them. That print at Goodwill would have gone totally unnoticed by us had we not studied it earlier in the year.
Susan Schaeffer Macaulay talks about this concept in her book For the Children's Sake. We try to make art fun for children by taking them to art museums, but in reality, to make it exciting and impactful for them, we need to teach them art first, then take them to a museum where they will encounter the beloved pieces they have already studied. It will be far more ingrained in their minds, education, and experience.
Obviously, familiarity does not guarantee interest, but a certain level of exposure and knowledge to important and beautiful people, places, and things, gives our children a greater chance at finding something they can pursue with passion. Exposing them to a base knowledge of classical music gives them access to different paths they would not have access to otherwise. Teaching children about famous artists and what the world was like for those people gives them more chances to connect the dots of history, art, humanities, and more.
On a day to day basis, familiarity for us adults means we can do our jobs without a lot of decision-making. We know where our spoons are, we know what cupboard to get a coffee mug from, and we know which button to press when we want to heat up our coffee for 30 seconds more. Aesop might be right in that this level of familiarity can make life feel boring, making us feel resentful, but that is why I prefer George Santayana's quote: "Familiarity breeds contempt only when it breeds inattention".
Let the topics you introduce to your children become familiar enough for them to recognize out in the world, then give them opportunity to find those familiar ideas somewhere new. Help them to know the names of important people, places, historical events, and music so that they can recognize it instantly in a book, in conversation, or on the radio. Not only will you be boosting their confidence in their ability to know the world they live in, you also make it far more exciting. Not just for them, but for you as well. Witnessing the joy beaming from your children over the information they retain, understand and expand upon is one of the most rewarding experiences for a parent.
This all sounds lovely right? But how do you start? I feel lucky that CC makes it pretty easy for us, giving us plenty of information to memorize and digest. But if you are going this alone, without a community or someone giving you a foundation to start from, you can still do it! Here is one practical way to start.
- Pick something you love: a work of art, a well-known historical event, an important person you admire, a president, an orchestral instrument, etc.
- Find out several things about your chosen item or person.
- Print out some pictures, related objects, portraits of people involved, or maps of the area.
- Talk about it! Just tell your children what you know, emphasizing a few important pieces of information.
- Two more times that week, talk about it some more. Ask the children to tell Dad about it over dinner, or to draw a replica of the art or portrait of the person.
- Find a book from the library where this topic will come up again. It can be a book fully devoted to the person or topic, but it doesn't have to be. Just make sure they encounter this same topic somewhere slightly unexpected.
- Lastly, wait and see where else it comes up! Maybe at the grocery store, where the art or portrait of a famous person will show up, or maybe even at Goodwill.
This method of introducing a topic and finding it in more places is probably my favorite part of homeschooling. It's confirmation that the world is far more connected than we realize, and that God intertwines all kinds of things together in our lives. If you have having trouble thinking of a topic to start with, here are some fun topics that have worked well for us.
- The Great Pyramids
- Vincent Van Gogh
- Beethoven
- Bach
- The Seven Wonders of the Ancient World
- Geodes and Thunder Eggs
- the Flute
- Andrew Wyeth
- Georges-Pierre Seurat's A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte
- George Washington
- Abraham Lincoln
- The Huns
- The Roman Empire
- Volcanoes
- The Mediterranean Sea & prominent countries in Europe
Come back and tell me what you tried! The first attempt is always the hardest, but soon it will be a familiar (and lovely) process, one with many rich rewards for your entire family.
My first lightbulb moment with this idea was on the flight back from Thailand after my first trip around to that side of the globe. I had been gone for 12 days and while I was tired and ready to be home, I didn't feel particularly homesick. I thoroughly enjoyed the food in Thailand, the friendliness of the people, and seeing all the lush, tropical greenery was an experience I will never forget. But still, the moment I started seeing golden oak trees, red maples, and leaves covering the autumn landscape of Washington, my heart was leaping without my consent or even the slightest encouragement. I kept saying "I don't know why, but seeing the landscape here just makes me so happy!".
I remember feeling really surprised at how a familiar landscape could incite such a response in my spirit. I do love the Fall, and each year seeing the leaves change colors brings me some level of excitement, but when you have a time of separation from familiar places or things, the thrilling rush of being reunited is even more intense.
I see this in our schooling all the time. Most recently, our kids studied George Frederick Handel and his composition Water Music during our time at CC. We colored a picture of Handel, talked about the orchestra, I shared about his life and where he lived, then we listened to the song a couple times. We took note of the repeating portions of the song, which instruments echoed other instruments, and chatted a little about what we imagined happening while the music played. Cole especially took to the music and easily remembered Handel's full name, as he has a stuffed cat named Frederick.
Fast-forward three weeks later to our opening session at CC. One of the other tutors came up front and demonstrated playing some music on her clarinet. She played a few small pieces, and before the third she said we might recognize the tune. As she began, Cole jumped from his chair and looked at me with huge eyes, bouncing, trying to still whisper but hardly containing himself, "Mom! It's Water Music by George Frederick Handel!" and continued to bounce his little bum on his chair until she finished the refrain.
I have never seen a kid so thrilled to hear Water Music. It was his familiarity with the music made it exciting! The same goes for art. During our Language Lessons this year we studied a piece by Andrew Wyeth called The Master Bedroom which featured a sleepy dog on a tidy bed. Several months later, we happened to be leaving Goodwill when Asher pointed out a picture. The same exact print, nicely framed (and nicely priced) was sitting on a bottom shelf! Of course we bought it, and now it sits as a lovely reminder of the way God has taken seemingly meaningless tasks in our homeschooling and brought excitement into them. That print at Goodwill would have gone totally unnoticed by us had we not studied it earlier in the year.
Susan Schaeffer Macaulay talks about this concept in her book For the Children's Sake. We try to make art fun for children by taking them to art museums, but in reality, to make it exciting and impactful for them, we need to teach them art first, then take them to a museum where they will encounter the beloved pieces they have already studied. It will be far more ingrained in their minds, education, and experience.
Obviously, familiarity does not guarantee interest, but a certain level of exposure and knowledge to important and beautiful people, places, and things, gives our children a greater chance at finding something they can pursue with passion. Exposing them to a base knowledge of classical music gives them access to different paths they would not have access to otherwise. Teaching children about famous artists and what the world was like for those people gives them more chances to connect the dots of history, art, humanities, and more.
On a day to day basis, familiarity for us adults means we can do our jobs without a lot of decision-making. We know where our spoons are, we know what cupboard to get a coffee mug from, and we know which button to press when we want to heat up our coffee for 30 seconds more. Aesop might be right in that this level of familiarity can make life feel boring, making us feel resentful, but that is why I prefer George Santayana's quote: "Familiarity breeds contempt only when it breeds inattention".
Let the topics you introduce to your children become familiar enough for them to recognize out in the world, then give them opportunity to find those familiar ideas somewhere new. Help them to know the names of important people, places, historical events, and music so that they can recognize it instantly in a book, in conversation, or on the radio. Not only will you be boosting their confidence in their ability to know the world they live in, you also make it far more exciting. Not just for them, but for you as well. Witnessing the joy beaming from your children over the information they retain, understand and expand upon is one of the most rewarding experiences for a parent.
This all sounds lovely right? But how do you start? I feel lucky that CC makes it pretty easy for us, giving us plenty of information to memorize and digest. But if you are going this alone, without a community or someone giving you a foundation to start from, you can still do it! Here is one practical way to start.
- Pick something you love: a work of art, a well-known historical event, an important person you admire, a president, an orchestral instrument, etc.
- Find out several things about your chosen item or person.
- Print out some pictures, related objects, portraits of people involved, or maps of the area.
- Talk about it! Just tell your children what you know, emphasizing a few important pieces of information.
- Two more times that week, talk about it some more. Ask the children to tell Dad about it over dinner, or to draw a replica of the art or portrait of the person.
- Find a book from the library where this topic will come up again. It can be a book fully devoted to the person or topic, but it doesn't have to be. Just make sure they encounter this same topic somewhere slightly unexpected.
- Lastly, wait and see where else it comes up! Maybe at the grocery store, where the art or portrait of a famous person will show up, or maybe even at Goodwill.
This method of introducing a topic and finding it in more places is probably my favorite part of homeschooling. It's confirmation that the world is far more connected than we realize, and that God intertwines all kinds of things together in our lives. If you have having trouble thinking of a topic to start with, here are some fun topics that have worked well for us.
- The Great Pyramids
- Vincent Van Gogh
- Beethoven
- Bach
- The Seven Wonders of the Ancient World
- Geodes and Thunder Eggs
- the Flute
- Andrew Wyeth
- Georges-Pierre Seurat's A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte
- George Washington
- Abraham Lincoln
- The Huns
- The Roman Empire
- Volcanoes
- The Mediterranean Sea & prominent countries in Europe
Come back and tell me what you tried! The first attempt is always the hardest, but soon it will be a familiar (and lovely) process, one with many rich rewards for your entire family.
